Yeah I go through this sh!t, lol.
I can't get any connection with women beyond fvcking them. In part because they're all shallow bytches who are not worthy of getting anything more than my dyck. But another part of the equation is that I've become kinda rigid in protecting my own feelings. I hate exposing myself and being in a vulnerable position, I try so hard to be immune to any disappointment that I rob myself of my own potential.
Why do you think I am so passionatetly trying to convince Desdinova that he's walking the wrong path? It's because I feel the tendency to walk that path too now and then... But I won't, I never will, I will never give up.
I find it very difficult to maintain balance between protecting my feelings on the one hand and optimizing my chances of achieving a deeper connection with a nice woman on the other hand. I have a good life and have accepted that chances of sharing that life with a woman are slim. Yet, deep down I hope I will, someday...
It ends when it ends, you know. When you throw up a coin 99 times and it shows heads every single time, it's natural to give up on the hope that it will ever show tails. But chance is a funny thing, the 100th time might actually be tails but you won't experience that because you threw the damn coin away after 99 times of bad luck...
There is always hope!
But staying hopeful is just one challenge. The other is to keep improving yourself and keep optimalizing the circumstances to achieve what you wish for. You got a lot of issues, Tenacity, your upbringing was seriously compromised and it left scars all over your inside.
Same thing here, I had to endure lots of negativity as a child and I sometimes feel like the whole purpose of my life is to overcome that negativity. People are supposed to get a good, loving, positive upbringing so they are ready to develop into happy adults. But when that upbringing wasn't there, you'll struggle with becoming happy later on in life.
I'll admit something here...
I meet good girls now and then, through work, social life etc. You know, girls who grew up in that warm, positive, loving environment and are just mentally healthy! I recognize them right away... They are always reasonable, they try to avoid conflict, they are just nice to other people and expect to get it back. That's because this is what they've learned as children form their parents: When you're good to others, they'll be good in return. Their parents also gave them a positive attitude and emotional balance, which enables them to deal with it whenever another person isn't good to them. It doesn't make them hold back, they'll STILL keep treating others nicely and expect to get it back, coz that's the standard they experienced while growing up. When people don't treat them nicely in return, that's an exception to the rule they've always experienced.
They don't hold a grudge or feel the tendency to raise up their guard with other people because of this ONE person who fvcks them over.
Things were the opposite with me. I learned that treating my parents nicely, only set me up to get hurt by them. I learned that I always had to keep my guard up emotionally coz they were abusive... See, to me the standard is that peolple are gonna treat me bad and hurt me when I act nice to them. Getting nice behavior in return is the exception to the rule, that's what I've learned. So my basic attitude is to go into interactions with that mindset: keep your guard up, don't just act nice to the other person and expect it to be returned.
But when you act that way to people, they're not gonna be nice to you anyway lol!!!! Self fulfilling prophecy and all that...
To make a long story short, when I talk to those good girls, deep down there's this realization that I am different and that I don't fit in with a woman like that. It makes me feel insecure and it confronts me with my own shortcomings, and all the pain and negativity that CAUSED these shortcomings. When I think about these things, I feel a tendency to get depressed, curl up on the floor and just be miserable....
Truth is, I would have a very hard time handling myself in a serious relationship with a good woman!
I try not to think about these things consciously. I just keep focusing on making a career, going to the gym, having lots of fun in life, fvcking hot women etc. And I do! I do have a great life in many regards and when it comes to the physical aspect, I am quite succesful with women. In the meanwhile, something keeps missing and deep down there's that feeling of misery. I am too busy enjoying life to consciously realize it, but in moments of quiet, that feeling of misery boils up to the surface from deep down inside of me. No matter how many things I achieve in my life, deep down those feelings of mis misery still rot inside of me...
I don't want to address those feelings and all the negativity I experienced as a child. Like I said, it evokes strong feelings of depression and misery when I think about this stuff. I have to prepare sh!t for work tomorrow, I have to go to the gym and meet up with a friend afterwards. If I allow myself to think about those bad things, it will paralyze me and I'd rather sit at home feeling depressed instead of doing all the other things I'm supposed to do.
So I don't, I don't think about them. Just occasionaly, like now that I'm writing this post. Better to leave that sh!t buried, it has too much of an impact on me.
But at the same time, and that's the whole point of my post, YOU CAN'T LEAVE IT BURIED. Coz this sh!t right here is the biggest reason why I'm a guy in his mid 30's who never found himself a nice girl, started living together, started making babies and do all that sh!t a healthy human being is SUPPOSED to do! Forget about feminism, forget about beta pussies fvcking up the market, forget about society inflating women's egos, forget about all the arrogant bytches and the fact that the market SUCKS.... Coz when you don't have your things straight and don't adress such deep issues like this, you will never be happy. Even if the market and all those outside factors would line up for you, you wouldn't be able to take advantage of it coz YOU are still fvcked up.
It takes one to know one, Tenacity. I know you are also fvcked up and as long as you don't deal with it, you'll never achieve what you truly want. I'm not saying I have the answer, I struggle myself. I'm just telling you how it is...
