I have a problem with intimidating people

[AAAgent]

I have a problem with intimidating people. I'm assuming that's why i don't get along with most guys.

I've lost a lot of friends over the years and i think its because i intimidate them. I make them feel less manly or something. Now i obviously don't do this all the time. I'm actually real friendly, nice and chill but i'm pretty black and white with control in general. I watch all my boys back when we're out and i act like an older brother to all their girlfriends.

I'm nice and i'll tolerate a lot of BS but there is no middle ground and i will snap instantly. Especially if i feel disrespected. My friends really value my loyalty, honesty and my trait of sticking by through thick or thin.

I've noticed that in the past in fights, i would either scare off the person or we would fight and after it was over, even if i lost or the other person had the upper hand they would be scared to continue because of the way i would be acting.

When i get angry or when i threaten people no one will stand up and they will usually back away. At least people i know. I also tend to put myself in a dominating position when i get angry and take control of everything.

Yesterday this one girl within my social circle that's known to be a super b1tch almost got into a fight with me. She's has almost gotten into a fight with atleast 4 people within the group but one guy in the group likes her and another is close friends with her and they tolerate it. I don't really talk to her but i try to keep cool even though her *****yness pisses me off.

We are leaving dinner after a night of heavy drinking and i find a camera infront of me which i grab by accident instead of my phone. I ask the guy next to me whose it is and he say's its HBcrazy's. So i grab it put it infront of her and say "don't forget your camera." . She then gives me this b1tchy look which i already find disrespectful but i ignored it. she then adds on "you take it." . In my head i'm thinking wtf do i look like? I ain't your boyfriend. so i said "Take your own damn camera." She then continues with her b1tch a$$ stare and says "What did you say?" so i respond "You heard what i said........(pause)" she then starts with her line that i hear her always spout..."Who the fvck do you think you are." Before she finishes i say "b1tch stfu. If you want we can take this somewhere else. I'd like to see anyone here stand up for you..... I dare anyone of them to stand up to me." 5 seconds passed.

No one stood up, not because they didn't like her...some of them obviously didn't because of her attitude but some did. No one stood up because i believe they were scared or didn't want more drama. I then continue and say "Yeah, i didn't think so. So HBcrazy, what are you going to do." She then tries to come at me which i just stand there and watch as people hold her back. we continue this outside of the restaurant in which she says "What, are you going to hit me?!" this pissed me off even more because in my head, i'm like b1tch, u spout all this sh1t and disrespect people all the time and we all tolerate it, and u think because you're a girl that i will tolerate disrespect.

I continue with "How about this, i'll let you hit me 3 times first before i hit you. Wait, no, you can hit me 5 times. That's sounds fair. After your 5 hits, if you can take my hit and still get up then its over. But HBcrazy, i'm telling you now, you're not getting up." this riled her up even more, where she starts making chinese racial slurs and attempts to come at me. We split up groups to cool off. where she attempts for another 2 hours to find me and fight me. We do meet one time and she runs up to me and i walk up and get in her face. In the end, they tell me to apologize and be the bigger man in which i do and surprisingly she tells me she's sorry too in a sincere way. I walk away and leave. I've never heard about her apologize to anyone before.

During the dinner she's talking sh1t about how she hates chinese people while speaking in korean to the other korean people and i understand korean but i just ignore her ignorant a$$ (this b1tch is in love with my other chinese boi and they were hooking up in the club earlier. trifling these b1tches are, all they want is attention). Then the camera thing ensued.

Anyway, the guy she was hooking up with (they have mutual feelings) didn't stand up for her. I know after that act he probably won't hang out with me even though we acted cool and drove home together.

 

[AAAgent]

not sure what to do about this. I will tolerate certain disrespectful things that happen if i can pass it as a joke, accident, etc. and i always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know fighting isn't always the answer but it just instinctively happens and then i get an urge to fight.

I've always stood up for myself and what i believed in but obviously i'm handling it the wrong way. My close friends that are still here all tell me that. I probably only have 3 close real friends. All my other friends keep me around either because of my status (family own's a club), because they think i can fight for them, they think i'm cool or know people (this was more so in college).

Maybe it just works out that way because the 3 friends i do have left will actually have my back no matter what while all the friends that left, wouldn't fight for their own friends let alone me.

 

[Pierce]

Don't let noone disrespect you. I don't give a f**k man. I think you did everything right except trying to fight a girl.

 

[Twitch]

I am sure you are a pretty good person. Loyalty to friends is a trait I need to improve on.

You do sound like an a-hole though. In conversation you are hooking people in such a way that they are subtlety prodded to respond in a rude way.
You: Don't forget your camera(a nice gesture)
Her:b1tchy stare* You take it.
You: Take your own damn camera.
Her: What did you say?
You: You heard me.
Her: Who the fvck do you think you are?
You: B1tch shut the fvck up. *Calling people out and stuff*

You simply lost control of your emotions. She influenced your behavior. She emotionally dominated you. Fortunately situations like this can be halted by diffusing the situation.

Some examples:
You: Don't forget your camera(a nice gesture)
Her:b1tchy stare* You take it.
You: No thanks. *Set camera on the ground and switch subject

At this point if she continues to be belligerent you could simply ignore her. She will just look stupid.

You: Don't forget your camera(a nice gesture)
Her:b1tchy stare* You take it.
You: Take your own camera.(From this conversation you swore first, prompting her to swear in response)

Her: What did you say?
You: You heard me.
Her: Who the fvck do you think you are?
You: My name is AAAgent. What is yours?(Really anything to throw her for a loop would be good here, your name your favorite flavor ice cream, just something to break her pattern) *Control Frame*

The earlier you break the pattern the better.

I may not be good at most aspects of game, but I am pretty good at diffusing aggressive situations. What does it matter if someone disrespects you? It doesn't change your worth in anyway. Not tolerating disrespect doesn't mean you have to explode.

 

[AAAgent]

i was just scaring her, if anything i would have just sat on the b1tch.

this girl has tried to fight 2 girls within the group, countless girls outside the group and has pissed off 2 guys within the group.

twitch, i'm not really wired to diffuse well when i'm disrespected, especially by someone who thinks they are entitled and can get away with everything. Girl think's she hot sh1t.

anyway's i don't laugh unless the joke is funny and i don't scratch unless i have an itch. If this was a nice girl/guy that lost their temper in a once in a blue moon thing then i would have ignored it. I've ignored this girls bvllsh1t so many times.

i'm not exactly innocent either since i've gotten in trouble for fighting.

 

[ArcBound]

Good for you AAgent. A lot Asian guys (not all) I know don't stand up to girls and take sh!t from them. Difference is, you have self-respect. Your mom and dad put you on this planet not to be some b!tche's camera holder, but to live life on your own terms. If a woman acts like a b!tch to you, and says b!tchy things to you.... you have the right to treat her like a b!tch.

Maybe this situation could have turned out better if turned the other cheek but I feel you have been doing that for a long time already.

 

[AAAgent]

Well i guess i only "explode" when i'm really angry but most of the time, i will say stuff like i posted above in a normal and calm voice, i don't really like to yell since it attracts attention. I might even smile when i say this stuff.

Yeah i guess i shouldn't have said i would hit her but the b1tch deserved it to a point. She better not fvck with me again or next time i'll just sit on her till she cries. For me i've been diffusing all the fights/arguments i haven't gotten into (that's how i see it). You can't diffuse them all right and the ones that cross the line usually are the ones that go too far. I fvkin helped carry this girls bags earlier into the hotel room we were staying at to be nice.

What does it matter if someone disrespects you? It doesn't change your worth in anyway.

I've been working on being friendlier and trying to diffuse situations and this has turned me into a very BLACK and WHITE person. I'm either super nice and friendly or crazy.

I don't even think its my physical actions that people don't like, its more like the words i say and how i make them feel that make it so extreme.

 

[Chickfight]

*****es like that arent worth getting worked up over

 

[Kerpal]

she then adds on "you take it."

I would have said "Nice, free camera!" and put it in my pocket.

 

[JLW]

It's hard for anyone on this forum to give a good assessment on how you acted towards this girl since we were not there to actually see it.

You just need to look at yourself and your actions as objectively and impartially as possible with no bias. Really think to yourself, "Was I being a jerk there, or was I justified in acting that way?". It helps to put yourself in the other person's shoes who you are arguing with so you can see their side.

We can't really give you input on the way you are acting since we do not know the context in which the things were said, what the tone of voice was, etc. etc.

 

[AAAgent]

i don't think i was entirely wrong except for telling her i'd hit her but i'm trying to think of my attitude in general of pushing people away, especially guys with this attitude. After thinking it through many times, i get the feeling that i emasculate them.

 

[Joe Stud]

were you once a boxer? Did you get hit a lot?

there is an old term called "punchy" where an old boxer hears a bell ring (or other non-threatening trigger), and he starts swinging at everyone.

:woo: :trouble: :nono:

 

[AAAgent]

haha i think it was the way i was brought up. My dad was brought up that way as well in HK. He used to tell me stories about triads n stuff back then. He always taught me fighting always comes second as a last resort but never let anyone take advantage of you (if they do it the first time, there will be a second, etc. He told me to let the person know, if they wanted to take advantage of me that even if i would lose, they would get hurt. There is no free lunch.). He said he saw alot of people get recruited into the triads and do things they will never forget. He said he was lucky to have a strict mother who kept watch on him. I think the furthest he made it to was errand boy. But that was back when gangs/mafia's were still running public.

And yes i did box before. I trained as an amateur but never fought. I have sparred a few times. My dad was a fighter back when he was younger. Not sure for what though, possibly street fighting or underground.

I guess i'll rephrase my anger which was worded as losing control as just seeking to fight. I can control my adrenaline to a certain extent, i know who's an enemy and who's not. I don't randomly swing. When i walk towards my target i already know how to diffuse object that get in my path (object being other people). Most of the time when i allow myself to fight its because i have decided in my mind it would be quicker to solve this physically then to try to talk to this person.

--------

i really am not sure if i mind losing these friends. At this point, now that they're gone i actually don't value them. The real friends i do have actually have the ability to control me if i ever lost control either by talking or physically. My best friend tells me that sticking up for myself is the right thing to do and he likes how i don't tolerate bs but says i shouldn't always get physical. It's gotten better since i was younger though.

The only real people i ever got along with were girls, and after the majority of them lose hope in trying to get me, they disappear as well.

 

[Teflon_Mcgee]

Twitch is right. There is a time and a place for everything and you need to learn that.

Your problem is not that you are intimidating. It is that you KILL A FUN VIBE and put all friends into an awkward position because you are SO WORRIED about being respected.

You are that guy.

As a guy, if one of my friends acted like that, my response wouldn't be to respect him. It would be to label him as an irritable b*tch (akin to feminist woman on her period who's trying to prove here equableness.)

Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm not trying to rag on you, I'm just telling you that you really need to think about the ways in which you handle these situations.

 

[AAAgent]

I'm not worried about being respected, I just don't tolerate disrespect. Respect is earned and i won't demand such a thing either from people (its either something people give you or don't). Disrespect is the same way and i won't tolerate something i don't deserve.

Fighting does kill fun but the b1tch killed my fun when she started talking sh1t thinking i couldn't understand it. After i let that sh1t go she had to give me attitude for giving her her camera.

I've definitely killed a lot of fun in the past.

 

[Joe Stud]

no biggie, u will be fine. live n learn.

 

[jtlancer]

AAAgent a lot of people in this thread are IMHO telling you what
you want to hear. I'm not gonna do that. I think that you have too
much anger and your description of your behavior is bordering on being
a bully. I challenge you to eliminate the term 'disrespect' from your life
for a month. Don't write, say, or act on the thought of disrespect.
If it comes up then just put the thought aside and move on to something
else.

There is obviously a part of you that sees that it is time, now,
for you to move past all this childish foolishness and begin the
rest of your life. Do it.

 

[AAAgent]

AAAgent a lot of people in this thread are IMHO telling you what
you want to hear. I'm not gonna do that. I think that you have too
much anger and your description of your behavior is bordering on being
a bully. I challenge you to eliminate the term 'disrespect' from your life
for a month. Don't write, say, or act on the thought of disrespect.
If it comes up then just put the thought aside and move on to something
else.

There is obviously a part of you that sees that it is time, now,
for you to move past all this childish foolishness and begin the
rest of your life. Do it.

The first sentence may be true, who knows.

The second sentence may also be true besides the bully part. I never let anyone in my life bully me nor did i bully anyone in my life. Bullying is when you take advantage over someone for your own benefit leaving them at a disadvantage or worse than they started off.

I don't disrespect people unless i'm about to beat their a$$. Maybe everytime i get the urge to fight i should just smile and laugh (honest opinion here. not mocking anyone.)

Last sentence, i'll try that paired along with my answer to the third sentence. I'm going to be one happy camper haha. In all seriousness though, i don't really come in contact with THAT many situations where a month would make a difference. It may seem like i get into physical altercations a lot but its nowhere near the scale of multiple times a month. At least on an average basis it doesn't.

Hope you're not a pacifist dude because that's not what i'm trying to become. I'm just trying to maintain control.

 

[powpow]

hey dont worry about it. its a life situation and you learned something new. pretty good.

the only thing is that maybe you seemed a little overly confrontational, which kind of indicates a little weakness. I notice (present company excluded) that poor people do this a lot - like they REALLY got something to prove. theres a lot of little people that will take shots at you man, you just gotta treat them like little kids and let them get riled up about it while you stay calm and play it off. Ive learned thats the best way to come out on top.

unless youre in the mob, then you cut their ****in jacobs off to prove a point. but most people arent in the mob, and the aforementioned tactic usually works best. talleyrand used that stuff all the time, and hes the man.

all the best brother

 

[HolyG]

My two cents

You did everything fine up until you said you were going to hit her...lol if you have to slap a hoe then fine, but otherwise don't walk around threatening to sock them in the face.

If it was me....when she was disrespecting chinese people in korean...I would have waited till the end of the night, called her a ***** in korean and walked away lol


And one more thing...the way to win a argument is NOT TO GET ANGRY. The person who emotionally reacts first is the weaker one....you can cuss a mofo out lol its all good, but just do it with a devil may care attitude. Don't get angry at a *****. Would you blow your stack at a 4 year old?