I'll try not to make this story too long so I will make it as short and understanding as possible. But if it is just go to the bottom to get to "THE POINT". Sorry I had to express my life lol. Thanks for the time and the help.
I've never kissed, dated, sexed with any girl and I'm 20 years old. I have a problem with this girl that I have had an interesting relationship with in the past 5 years. We were never boyfriend/girlfriend, but we always seemed to have a close relationship with each other. Basically we meet when I was 14/15 and we got to know each other for about 2 years. So after this we keep communicating like maybe once a week. She went through different relationships at her school and I didn't at mine. At 17 I was falling in love with this girl we hung out a little like at home but never a real date, we never did any real kissing but just pecks, and we almost had sex but for some reason I didn't cause it wasn't at the right time and I felt like I was disrespecting her and her family understanding it was in her house in her living room. And we never had any kind of serious talk about it at all.
So at this peak I decided to tell her how I felt about her because some friends of mine kept pressuring me too. So I was telling her how I felt and that I loved her and wanted to be in a relationship and the only answer she could give me was "I don't know, I need time, I like you, but IDK." And I was like what is going on she isn't really like this. But I started thinking well maybe she is in a relationship right now but she didn't want to tell me so I gave her time and didn't bother her but kept in contact subtly for like maybe a month.
After that my best friend ,that was pressuring me the first time, was telling me to move in and tell her ME YOU TOGETHER NOW! Before that happened He eventually meet her when he was bringing me home. I didn't really want him to meet her because he would bang every girl he meet. Or at least almost every girl he meet. So as a week went by she still was acting that same way when I was asking if she would like to be in a relationship with me in that You ME TOGETHER kinda tone and it didn't work. Come to find out as I was pursing her she started saying that she heard some things about me that I was gay, banging other guys, she didn't want that, along with IDK yet, and I need time. I knew who probably was telling her something that wasn't true, but didn't want to assume cause he was my best friend.
So I went to go talk to her and I see both of them in her house. So my best friend and I left to have a word. I didn't want to fight him cause I only wanted to KILL HIM. So I didn't get into anything physical and basically he told me in a bit of a nice way “Its your fault and Your lost”. So I ended up going to my front porch and made one last phone call to her and was questioning her about all that was said. I was telling her it wasn't true but at that point I didn't know what she believed cause she couldn't make up her mind. So as I was sitting on my front porch. from a distance since we were living in apartments. I see my best friend with his car and she gets in the car and left at like 11pm and her brother told me she didn't get back until like 3am. And so yes I was torn, used, thrown, in a dumpster.
So at that point I just exiled myself from everyone I knew, and went into a massive depression for about 2 months, I started skipping school, crying out of no where, cutting myself, drinking cleaning products, and just doing stupid stuff until my mother figured out what I was doing and tried to stop me but I wouldn't. And then my older brother got feed up about this depression confronted the girl, my so called best friend, and her family. But at this point he never told me what he talked about to the or what happened, and eventually as time went on I guess my mind began to repress those bad feelings and I started doing things to cover it up and try to forget about it. But there were things I had to accept or create an oath with myself so I wouldn't fall into something like this again and feel a sense of safety I guess.
1. Was to not care about living or dieing.
2. Not caring if I were single for the rest of my life.
3. Making goals to become successful but never being able to reach those goals to keep me busy.
4. And understanding that I am not here for my life but everyone else’s so I would be so busy helping people I could forget about what I desire, want, and sometimes even need.
Which this plan that I had seemed to work cause I couldn't remember anything that happened with her, me, or my best friend after I started putting all of this into play. But even after I made this plan we still communicated like we were friends. She even went with me to my prom cause I still had these hidden feelings for her that I couldn't understand, and I couldn’t remember much of anything that happened in the past. And it has been like that until now.
So that was the story back then and now I am about to move out of this house and purse my dreams that I have wanted for so long. At this point she is going to a university that’s not here where we lived when we first meet. But, she comes and visits all the time and we talk like we did from the beginning, once a week.
Now this is the problem, lol. For some reason I still LOVE THIS GIRL! When I actually saw her when she came from her university all those feelings came back that I had once before, but I couldn't remember anything with her and my best friend. So my cousin has been telling me to pursue her before she leaves for the fall semester. Before that even ends I will be moving away and won't see them at all for a good while. He tells me to go for her because she has always seemed to like me over any other person she's ever been with. He didn't really know everything that went on with her and me, neither could I remember what I went through with her. But I did feel for some reason my mind was having second guesses about even talking to her at all. The only problem is I want her so bad. And what makes it so bad when I was about to pursue her all over again my brother reminded me of the event that my mind had repressed and I remember everything that had happened and all the feelings. He never told me what he talked to them about until now. He said he went to all of them and told them that it was wrong what my best friend did and that She needs to make up in her mind if she wanted me or not. He also told them that I was ruining myself at home in my depression because of this whole situation. He told me that even when he said that she never answered Yes or No. She kept saying I DON'T KNOW. So he just left it like that. He just now recently told me all of that and I didn't know what to think in my mind. And I am looking for answers but at this point I don't know what to do because I want her.
I don't think I have to explain who I am but sometimes I feel like I just make every mistake possible when it comes to doing anything with girls that I want. Because this isn't the only girl I have tried to get in a relationship that I wanted. She was just the best choice out of all the others I tried. Plus the others made it kinda clear that they just wanted to be friends. So I just stopped pursing them. But when this happened I just gave up on women period. Cause I felt like I could never get the girl I wanted. And what would be the point of getting a girl you wouldn't even want?
The other problem is the fact that I am a virgin I don't look at it like its a special thing even though every girl I know has told me it is. I also don't look at it like its a problem. But I think it is even more of being a problem and not a special thing when the person you lose it too isn't a virgin. And how many nice looking women with a good personality is a virgin!? The girl I have been talking about the past 5000 paragraphs is definitely wife material. I know this cause I know her. And she is the one I would marry for the rest of my life. But the point is I never asked her if she was a virgin. She always seemed like a virgin because a lot of guys that went out with her were acquaintances or friends of mine and many of them told me they could never get her in bed. She also was always talking about achieving her goals before she got into anything with any guys. Even when my best friend told me that they didn't do anything at his house while trying to apologize to me (which I just didn't believe him). That’s just so hard for me to believe the fact that she is a virgin. Which she is definitely the one I would want to be with and have the special sex with being a virgin.
If she isn't a virgin I just feel like either looking for a virgin that is like her (which is to hard to find), or just sexing with every girl I've could get even if I don‘t want them. I mean I have had the chances with other girls to sex with but I would have been unsatisfied so I didn't, which kinda made it seem like there was something special with holding my virginity until I meet someone who is a virgin that I would be satisfied with. I don't know if that is selfish way of thinking, but that’s kinda what it came to when I was trying to get into a relationship with this girl.
"THE POINT"
-I want this girl
-She’s wife material
-She looks good
-We've been through stuff, (or I've been through stuff)
-We've known each other for like 5 or 6 years
-We still talk like we're good friends
-She acts like she likes me
-But she can't make up her mind
-I'm worried if she's not a virgin cause I am.
-I'm worried if she lost her virginity to my best friend
-The past haunts and its hard to get rid of
At this point I just don't know what to do.
A. Drop her and forget about everything and pursue my goals.
B. Or try to keep a good connection with her in spite of all I don’t know that bothers me.
I've never kissed, dated, sexed with any girl and I'm 20 years old. I have a problem with this girl that I have had an interesting relationship with in the past 5 years. We were never boyfriend/girlfriend, but we always seemed to have a close relationship with each other. Basically we meet when I was 14/15 and we got to know each other for about 2 years. So after this we keep communicating like maybe once a week. She went through different relationships at her school and I didn't at mine. At 17 I was falling in love with this girl we hung out a little like at home but never a real date, we never did any real kissing but just pecks, and we almost had sex but for some reason I didn't cause it wasn't at the right time and I felt like I was disrespecting her and her family understanding it was in her house in her living room. And we never had any kind of serious talk about it at all.
So at this peak I decided to tell her how I felt about her because some friends of mine kept pressuring me too. So I was telling her how I felt and that I loved her and wanted to be in a relationship and the only answer she could give me was "I don't know, I need time, I like you, but IDK." And I was like what is going on she isn't really like this. But I started thinking well maybe she is in a relationship right now but she didn't want to tell me so I gave her time and didn't bother her but kept in contact subtly for like maybe a month.
After that my best friend ,that was pressuring me the first time, was telling me to move in and tell her ME YOU TOGETHER NOW! Before that happened He eventually meet her when he was bringing me home. I didn't really want him to meet her because he would bang every girl he meet. Or at least almost every girl he meet. So as a week went by she still was acting that same way when I was asking if she would like to be in a relationship with me in that You ME TOGETHER kinda tone and it didn't work. Come to find out as I was pursing her she started saying that she heard some things about me that I was gay, banging other guys, she didn't want that, along with IDK yet, and I need time. I knew who probably was telling her something that wasn't true, but didn't want to assume cause he was my best friend.
So I went to go talk to her and I see both of them in her house. So my best friend and I left to have a word. I didn't want to fight him cause I only wanted to KILL HIM. So I didn't get into anything physical and basically he told me in a bit of a nice way “Its your fault and Your lost”. So I ended up going to my front porch and made one last phone call to her and was questioning her about all that was said. I was telling her it wasn't true but at that point I didn't know what she believed cause she couldn't make up her mind. So as I was sitting on my front porch. from a distance since we were living in apartments. I see my best friend with his car and she gets in the car and left at like 11pm and her brother told me she didn't get back until like 3am. And so yes I was torn, used, thrown, in a dumpster.
So at that point I just exiled myself from everyone I knew, and went into a massive depression for about 2 months, I started skipping school, crying out of no where, cutting myself, drinking cleaning products, and just doing stupid stuff until my mother figured out what I was doing and tried to stop me but I wouldn't. And then my older brother got feed up about this depression confronted the girl, my so called best friend, and her family. But at this point he never told me what he talked about to the or what happened, and eventually as time went on I guess my mind began to repress those bad feelings and I started doing things to cover it up and try to forget about it. But there were things I had to accept or create an oath with myself so I wouldn't fall into something like this again and feel a sense of safety I guess.
1. Was to not care about living or dieing.
2. Not caring if I were single for the rest of my life.
3. Making goals to become successful but never being able to reach those goals to keep me busy.
4. And understanding that I am not here for my life but everyone else’s so I would be so busy helping people I could forget about what I desire, want, and sometimes even need.
Which this plan that I had seemed to work cause I couldn't remember anything that happened with her, me, or my best friend after I started putting all of this into play. But even after I made this plan we still communicated like we were friends. She even went with me to my prom cause I still had these hidden feelings for her that I couldn't understand, and I couldn’t remember much of anything that happened in the past. And it has been like that until now.
So that was the story back then and now I am about to move out of this house and purse my dreams that I have wanted for so long. At this point she is going to a university that’s not here where we lived when we first meet. But, she comes and visits all the time and we talk like we did from the beginning, once a week.
Now this is the problem, lol. For some reason I still LOVE THIS GIRL! When I actually saw her when she came from her university all those feelings came back that I had once before, but I couldn't remember anything with her and my best friend. So my cousin has been telling me to pursue her before she leaves for the fall semester. Before that even ends I will be moving away and won't see them at all for a good while. He tells me to go for her because she has always seemed to like me over any other person she's ever been with. He didn't really know everything that went on with her and me, neither could I remember what I went through with her. But I did feel for some reason my mind was having second guesses about even talking to her at all. The only problem is I want her so bad. And what makes it so bad when I was about to pursue her all over again my brother reminded me of the event that my mind had repressed and I remember everything that had happened and all the feelings. He never told me what he talked to them about until now. He said he went to all of them and told them that it was wrong what my best friend did and that She needs to make up in her mind if she wanted me or not. He also told them that I was ruining myself at home in my depression because of this whole situation. He told me that even when he said that she never answered Yes or No. She kept saying I DON'T KNOW. So he just left it like that. He just now recently told me all of that and I didn't know what to think in my mind. And I am looking for answers but at this point I don't know what to do because I want her.
I don't think I have to explain who I am but sometimes I feel like I just make every mistake possible when it comes to doing anything with girls that I want. Because this isn't the only girl I have tried to get in a relationship that I wanted. She was just the best choice out of all the others I tried. Plus the others made it kinda clear that they just wanted to be friends. So I just stopped pursing them. But when this happened I just gave up on women period. Cause I felt like I could never get the girl I wanted. And what would be the point of getting a girl you wouldn't even want?
The other problem is the fact that I am a virgin I don't look at it like its a special thing even though every girl I know has told me it is. I also don't look at it like its a problem. But I think it is even more of being a problem and not a special thing when the person you lose it too isn't a virgin. And how many nice looking women with a good personality is a virgin!? The girl I have been talking about the past 5000 paragraphs is definitely wife material. I know this cause I know her. And she is the one I would marry for the rest of my life. But the point is I never asked her if she was a virgin. She always seemed like a virgin because a lot of guys that went out with her were acquaintances or friends of mine and many of them told me they could never get her in bed. She also was always talking about achieving her goals before she got into anything with any guys. Even when my best friend told me that they didn't do anything at his house while trying to apologize to me (which I just didn't believe him). That’s just so hard for me to believe the fact that she is a virgin. Which she is definitely the one I would want to be with and have the special sex with being a virgin.
If she isn't a virgin I just feel like either looking for a virgin that is like her (which is to hard to find), or just sexing with every girl I've could get even if I don‘t want them. I mean I have had the chances with other girls to sex with but I would have been unsatisfied so I didn't, which kinda made it seem like there was something special with holding my virginity until I meet someone who is a virgin that I would be satisfied with. I don't know if that is selfish way of thinking, but that’s kinda what it came to when I was trying to get into a relationship with this girl.
"THE POINT"
-I want this girl
-She’s wife material
-She looks good
-We've been through stuff, (or I've been through stuff)
-We've known each other for like 5 or 6 years
-We still talk like we're good friends
-She acts like she likes me
-But she can't make up her mind
-I'm worried if she's not a virgin cause I am.
-I'm worried if she lost her virginity to my best friend
-The past haunts and its hard to get rid of
At this point I just don't know what to do.
A. Drop her and forget about everything and pursue my goals.
B. Or try to keep a good connection with her in spite of all I don’t know that bothers me.