I had to cancel a date due to farting attacks!

[Last Man Standing]

The proper term is "flatulence", but I didn't think many of you would understand that term.

This is a delicate topic, especially when you are on the sending end, originator, of this horrid pestilence!!

I had a date lined up, but the night before the occasion I drank 12 beers, ate a 12 inch pizza - with extra cheese, had a side dish of refried beans with 12 mozzarella sticks, and for dessert I had a 12 ounce bar of Hershey chocolate w/Almonds - finishing off with 12 ounces of tomato juice.

Needless to say it wasn't a good morning, or day, night or week!!!!

I had a bad case of the "hibby jibbies" and it was not within my powers to overcome such attacks, since I was the culprit of such indulgence!!

So I succumbed to the powers within and decided, based on sound judgment, that it was best not to have her endure my internal suffering and thus canceled the date that night.

I told her that I was physically ill but that my spirit was willing, so I rescheduled the date, for a more convenient time, she agreed. As I was on the phone I tried to hold in my intestinal grievances but I was powerless and a few awkward sounds escaped, I fear loud enough for her to hear and pass judgment against me - it was not a good second impression.

The odor of my farting activity was so bad that I bought a car deodorizer - "evergreen fresh" and pinned it to my nose! Hell, that made it worse - it made it smell as if I was in a forest of dying vegetation mixed with rotting entrails! It was so bad a few days later that I had to cancel the second date, to her chagrin, and to my demise! She didn't want to see me anymore - she said that she smelled something "'fishy" with my avoidances. I told her, "Baby, it has nothing to with fish!!!" She didn't get the inside joke - she hung up on me!

Have you guys ever experienced such a self-inflicting misfortune?

 

[MacAvoy]

nothing to this extreme but i don't mind havin a laugh at your expense

 

[SamePendo]

:crackup:

I fart all the time. Not smelly farts though. Comes with eating so much. I just go on open air spacesand have a grip of how to fart so that it doesn't sound, and the light smell that may emit from some of them, is blown away by the open air, just make sure to be in motion. The guy behind you will take the blame for your flatulence!

 

[Last Man Standing]

This dude (see link) has too much tine on his hands, and so do I for searching this... http://www.heptune.com/farts.html

 

[Obsidian]

are you f*cking serious?

there's absolutely no reason why it should last longer than a day. Try eating healthier, and also learn to control the flatulence. Don't let it control you!

you may need to eat some magnesium oxide pills or something

 

[Night Owl]

You are what you eat p you're body is telling you something. Put (c)rap in, get (c)rap out - simple.

Eat better and you will not have the problems... QED

 

[KarmaSutra]

I'll add a new Law just for LMS:

Karma's Law #41 - Do not go anywhere near 'HORS or oDORS.

 

[KarmaSutra]

You are what you eat p you're body is telling you something. Put (c)rap in, get (c)rap out - simple.

Eat better and you will not have the problems... QED

Completely untrue. Every time I broil flounder and steam brussel sprouts I have the fo shizzles so bad I need a hazmat team called out.

I know people at my gym who're vegans and nutrition fanatics who have horrible ass gas.

 

[KontrollerX]

LMAO, a gem of a topic if there ever was one.

 

[swifTy]

this is some funny ****. nice one LMS.

 

[Master Bates]

are you f*cking serious?

there's absolutely no reason why it should last longer than a day. Try eating healthier, and also learn to control the flatulence. Don't let it control you!

you may need to eat some magnesium oxide pills or something

Farting has nothing to do with healthy eating. Hell I probably fart more now that I eat healthy than when I just ate junk food.

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

That was a epic story!! :crackup:

 

[ducaro]

That was a good laugh LMS. May be you should get the Robert's 'Toot Tone'!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCB3PyCF10s

You should consider writing humour:wave:

 

[L B]

I have experienced such misfortune and have learned. Have you ever heard of anti-gas pills?

 

[Last Man Standing]

are you f*cking serious?

there's absolutely no reason why it should last longer than a day. Try eating healthier, and also learn to control the flatulence. Don't let it control you!

you may need to eat some magnesium oxide pills or something

Haha, it was a joke kid. Thanks for the advice anyway - that is what I like about guys - we always gives solutions to all problems!!

Dudes here tend to lack the humor gene so I have to humor myself sometimes - I laugh out loud at my own jokes - yeah, I'm lonely!

That was a good laugh LMS. May be you should get the Robert's 'Toot Tone'!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCB3PyCF10s

You should consider writing humour:wave:

Haha, the Toot-Tone - only a man would think of such a device!

Actually I think I can write better comedy skits then what I see on TV shows - but it is tough to get into Hollywood production - you have to have connections or be a known comic.

 

[zerocelcius]

:crackup:

 

[Cableguy]

I remember years ago riding down a country road with this chick on our first date. Top down on my convertible RX-7, tunes blasting, cruising at around 70.
Damn Taco Bell. I had to fart so bad I couldn't stand it any longer. Now, never in a million years did I think she'd smell it. After all, top down in a convertible at 70 miles an hour gets a good bit of air circulation going sooo.....I buried one deep in my seat. I suspected I might be in trouble when it turned out to be one of those searing hot, 1000 degree bombs. A few seconds go by and she was like "Oh my God, what's that smell?" I think I mentioned something about passing a dead skunk on the side of the road or something. Then it hit me again. Thinking the first one was a freak of nature never to be duplicated, I let another one go. She looked over at me and point blank asked me wtf my problem was and suggested I see a doctor.

 

[Jerky Boi]

Needless to say, I have never eaten that much in one day. (I don't believe) haha. I have however experienced that on a date. The sensation is the most unnerving feeling in the world. It always seems like it comes at the worst and most inconvenient times. I feel ya man. That sucks that she quit calling you, but stuff like that happens.

 

[KarmaSutra]

My recipe for disaster:

If you guys want a surefire way to clear a room for at least 30 minutes here is your answer:

Eat 2 cantaloupes
1 bag of chili cheese fritos
a Baby Ruth
and chase that down with two warm pepsi's.

My lord. After 20 minutes you'd think a skunk was doing tae-bo in your intestines.

Be sure you're in a safe zone though, sharting is quite possible.

:crackup:

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I hate when I think I'm in an empty room and I fart and someone walks in. It especially sucks if it's a cute girl.

It's like my farts subconsciously attract people.

"I feel someone is going to fart in this room....I must go to it."