I finally got some answers and understand why I get rejected

[Jariel]

This is a follow up to a thread I started here:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=187050

To summarise, I seem to attract women very easily, can get laid easily and my initial impression leaves them wanting more. But after a period of time, usually when I start to like her and want more, I get rejected. It happens over and over and has been causing me a lot of despair.

Well, I went for a drink with a friend today who I also dated for a while. I explained how I'd just been rejected again and how confused I am by the whole situation. I asked her if she knew what it could be. She was hesitant, but I could tell she had an idea. I urged her to tell me, even if it was just her personal guess.

"Well, Jariel, you're this big and bad looking guy. You're really sexy and fit, but you don't act that way. You act too cute and friendly and you make a joke about everything! I am amazed how quick you are and how you can turn anything into a funny story or joke, but sometimes people want to be serious."

It was already making a lot of sense so I asked her to elaborate.

"You're quite immature. I'm not saying that's a bad thing when it's among mates, but it's not what a girl wants. I mean, when I first saw you I thought you would be rough and broody, and dominant...that's sexy to me, and to a lot of girls. But the way you act makes you look like a bit of a softy....maybe you're too fun and approachable if that makes sense"

It was strange to hear how many of my better social qualities were working against me. but it was making sense.

"You've got a really sharp wit and I find your humour hilarious. Loads of people do, but if you joke around on dates as much as you do around me, that's not good. I mean, it is really great to start with because it's great to see you're this down to earth guy and not full of yourself, and it lifts the mood, but I can see how it can wear thin with a girl you're supposed to be dating or shagging, especially if you allow no time for serious conversation or any personal connection. Maybe that's why they're into you at first then lose interest after a few dates and struggle to get anything serious going."

What my friend had said was consistent with my experiences. I remembered the woman who recently dumped me saying that I seem younger than I actually am. She also called me cute a few times, which set alarm bells ringing. I also remember joking about some of the kinky stuff we did during sex and that she told me if I keep joking about it, she won't feel like doing it again.

I also remember my ex girlfriend moaning about me joking too much and getting really upset about it.

Now, I am very dominant and aggressive when it comes to sex, and i've never had any complaints when it comes to sex. The problem is obviously when we're not having sex because I don't maintain this attractive personality beyond that....and so girls aren't interested in me beyond that.

I feel as though I've got some very useful feedback here. Basically it seems that my personality is inconsistent with my look, that I need to show more of my serious side and drop the cute stuff altogether.

My friend also added, "When we first started hanging out and dating, you showed me a serious side of yourself that not many people see and I really liked that. I was disappointed when you started joking around because I wanted to to feel like I had something deeper with you, rather than seeing what everyone else sees."

Perhaps some of you can relate to what I've written here or have some points to add. I do feel like a lot of it is true and gives me something to work with.

 

[gaspipe]

This is a follow up to a thread I started here:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=187050

To summarise, I seem to attract women very easily, can get laid easily and my initial impression leaves them wanting more. But after a period of time, usually when I start to like her and want more, I get rejected. It happens over and over and has been causing me a lot of despair.

Well, I went for a drink with a friend today who I also dated for a while. I explained how I'd just been rejected again and how confused I am by the whole situation. I asked her if she knew what it could be. She was hesitant, but I could tell she had an idea. I urged her to tell me, even if it was just her personal guess.

"Well, Jariel, you're this big and bad looking guy. You're really sexy and fit, but you don't act that way. You act too cute and friendly and you make a joke about everything! I am amazed how quick you are and how you can turn anything into a funny story or joke, but sometimes people want to be serious."

It was already making a lot of sense so I asked her to elaborate.

"You're quite immature. I'm not saying that's a bad thing when it's among mates, but it's not what a girl wants. I mean, when I first saw you I thought you would be rough and broody, and dominant...that's sexy to me, and to a lot of girls. But the way you act makes you look like a bit of a softy....maybe you're too fun and approachable if that makes sense"

It was strange to hear how many of my better social qualities were working against me. but it was making sense.

"You've got a really sharp wit and I find your humour hilarious. Loads of people do, but if you joke around on dates as much as you do around me, that's not good. I mean, it is really great to start with because it's great to see you're this down to earth guy and not full of yourself, and it lifts the mood, but I can see how it can wear thin with a girl you're supposed to be dating or shagging, especially if you allow no time for serious conversation or any personal connection. Maybe that's why they're into you at first then lose interest after a few dates."

What my friend had said was consistent with my experiences. I remembered the woman who recently dumped me saying that I seem younger than I actually am. She also called me cute a few times, which set alarm bells ringing. I also remember joking about some of the kinky stuff we did during sex and that she told me if I keep joking about it, she won't feel like doing it again.

I also remember my ex girlfriend moaning about me joking too much and getting really upset about it.

Now, I am very dominant and aggressive when it comes to sex, and i've never had any complaints when it comes to sex. The problem is obviously when we're not having sex because I don't maintain this attractive personality beyond that....and so girls aren't interested in me beyond that.

I feel as though I've got some very useful feedback here. Basically it seems that my personality is inconsistent with my look, that I need to show more of my serious side and drop the cute stuff altogether.

My friend also added, "When we first started hanging out and dating, you showed me a serious side of yourself that not many people see and I really liked that. I was disappointed when you started joking around because I wanted to to feel like I had something deeper with you, rather than seeing what everyone else sees."

Perhaps some of you can relate to what I've written here or have some points to add. I do feel like a lot of it is true and gives me something to work with.

Well there was a post a while back dealing with the issue you raise oncerning congruency or the lack thereof. Basically when you start acting in a manner opposite to the type of person that attracted her in the first place, she loses interest.

Actually women have lost interest in me for not escalating fast enough. There have been various times when Ive emitted much sexuality in the beginning and then tried to act as a gentlemen during the date(s) by not making a sexual move when I had a chance. I lacked congruency and therefore I got rejected. As the result, Ive done much to correct this and noticed that my success rate has increased accordingly.

There was one time for example when I had a date with one of the hottest women I ever met. Actually met her online. Easily as close to a 9 as possible. At the bar the topic of discussion veered to sexual positions. We leave and she offers me a ride in her car. I foolishly denied the request saying that my car was close enough which it was, but then it hit me later that she wanted to isolate me so I can make a move on her. You guessed it. She never returned my calls after that.

So yes, I totally understand and agree with the premise of your thread.

 

[yuppaz]

I've got similar issues (I believe). You can "Let out" your masculinity when your f*ckin, but it doesn't stay out at other times. Sometimes I (maybe you...who knows) have behaviors that I do without thinking to keep people from getting to really know me (I'm pretty funny, don't take life that seriously etc.) and letting my masculinity come out. Dominance & Drive, confidence etc. Don't know why I have a hard time with that, prob something to do with how I grew up (on eggshells around a bunch of narcissists, was always having to lighten the mood vs. being able to assert myself). I'm seein a shrink to work through it. It's a tough balance, you need to be able to be dominant and protector, but also be normal and fair minded. If you haven't always been like that your whole life it will prob take time (is my guess). There was some book on masculinity, wish I could remember the name but it was pretty good about getting in touch with your inner masculinity. When I was getting into that I was doing very well with women on all fronts.

Good luck

 

[SamTheHobit]

Maybe a balance of the two. You don't want to change your entire personality, for women.

 

[Kirro]

Jariel, once again I feel I'm too young to advise you but its fairly simple, you have to act how you look. You're 34 & its all good to faff about with the mates, & you sound like an awesome dude to be around(given that I'm 21). That said, you've just gotta learn to be a bit more serious around the ladies.

It shouldn't be too hard, just try to tone down the lightheartedness a bit. However I've gotta say, judging from the actions of these women & your friend, it reinforces why I can't stand females around me for too long. Nothing against them but they sound lame, life is serious enough as it is with all the crap going on around us, deep emotional connects are the last thing on a dude's mind when he has so much sh!t to do.

That said, if you want em around longer, you know what you gotta do.

Oh & clear your inbox brah.

 

[iqqi]

Do you play the clown because you are insecure?

 

[Jariel]

Thanks for the input guys. I had spotted the issue with being consistent with your looks not so long ago and even started a thread here on the subject. However, I never really considered it beyond sex.

My friend and I were discussing female equivalents, like hot feminine looking women who act like lads, swear a lot and fart. We also discussed these women who do exactly what I do. They look really sexy, and when you're getting to know them and they're being cool, you build them up in your mind, but as soon as they get comfortable they start acting cute or dizzy and trying to be funny. I agreed, it's very offputting and can really kill off that sexual attraction.

Obviously I don't want to change my entire personality, but I definitely have to tone down on the joking and cut out all the cute and soft stuff. Having a sense of humour is always good, but not so good when it becomes your identity and you are perceived as "the funny guy" or "the clown" - not a very attractive image.

It has also brought to my attention how I try way too hard to be humble. It's as though a lot of these women put me on a pedestal, build me up to be this great catch, and I feel I have to step down and act more humble. A lot of my humour is quite self-deprecating too, where I tell little anecdotes that portray me as being quite foolish.

I definitely have a lot to work with, but I'm glad I've got some kind of direction now. It's been so difficult getting dumped and rejected over and over, with no indication why.

 

[Jariel]

There have been various times when Ive emitted much sexuality in the beginning and then tried to act as a gentlemen during the date(s) by not making a sexual move when I had a chance.

I did the same thing earlier this year. I decided I wanted something more long term and decided to try and play the gentleman more. It ended up with me getting "you're a nice guy, but..." rejection and one girl told me she didn't feel any sexual chemistry.


Yuppaz: I know what you mean. I have trouble being dominant outside of the bedroom too.
When I was younger I had some issues with anger and got into a lot of trouble, but in later years I did everything I could to control it, most of which involves laughing and joking at issues that would normally annoy me or learning to put on a fake smile and bite my tongue. I'm thinking that I may be overcompensating and this could be one of my problems.

Maybe a balance of the two. You don't want to change your entire personality, for women.

I agree completely. I must drop the cute and soft sh1t, but a bit of humour here and there can't be so bad.

Nothing against them but they sound lame, life is serious enough as it is with all the crap going on around us, deep emotional connects are the last thing on a dude's mind when he has so much sh!t to do.

That's how I feel. I hate drama and I find that sometimes the best way to deal with bad things is to joke about it and not let it get to you. But then I have to admit, that's my way of shrinking away from these things instead of dealing with them.

Do you play the clown because you are insecure?

I asked myself the same question because it often is a sign of insecurity, but I have found the more confident I get the more I joke around. I reached a point after splitting with my long term ex that I wasn't going to care what people think of me, and it's at this point I started making fun of things/people/myself and joking around.

That said, I do find myself feeling uncomfortable when people put me on a pedestal and I have this need to try and bring myself down. I really don't know why I do that.

 

[Ease]

Its not to do with congruency, its to do with being serious.

Your friend was completely correct in her description of what she and other women find attractive. You need to be serious at least half of the time, being a clown kills your air of masculinity.

This isn't about 'social skills' or 'being yourself' either. Being a clown too much is not good in any aspect, not because it is a sign of insecurity but because it is the opposite of masculinity. Watch your role models and emulate.

 

[old_skoolr]

Never use self depricating humour it just lowers your social value.

 

[Jariel]

You guys are right. I wish I'd have seen it sooner, but I think I got caught up in making people laugh and being popular among my peers I just figured I must be doing a good thing.

It's also reminded me of an exe gf. We started off so well and had this amazing connection, and during that time we were spending a lot of time just talking, debating and it was all mature and serious. However, I started going overboard with the joking, teasing her and making light of everything and things started falling apart. I actually felt the connection breaking and started to feel like she was irritated by me.

And yes, I definitely need to knock off the humour that humbles me too much. I have noticed with that, it invites other people to laugh at me and make jokes at my expense too.

Naturally I have quite a dry sense of humour and I feel that's something I can pull off - in moderation - while maintaining my masculine edge.

Basically, I need to become more aware of how I'm acting and think before I speak/act.

 

[PokerStar]

very interesting thread...

Being Filipino I have the "I'm 34 but I look and act 25" thing going on.

I've always thought the reason why I look and feel so young is that I love to laugh, joke around and enjoy myself. Which is what I thought would attract women. it works to an extent.

But after reading this thread I thought to myself, how much more successful I can be in attracting, if I toned my sarcasm and wit down a notch.

I will try it out and I will report back to you guys.

 

[Luke]

This pretty much anwears my questions aswell.

I was being too unserious with girls that it never really bothered me to reach the emotional connection because I was fed up making fun all the time.

thank you for sharing OP!

 

[Jariel]

I'm glad this post is helpful to some of you guys. A lot of us who learn seduction from forums like this tend to go to extremes to begin with, whereas moderation seems to be the key.

Hopefully this will help us move forward. Keep us updated!

 

[Mike32ct]

Its not to do with congruency, its to do with being serious.

Your friend was completely correct in her description of what she and other women find attractive. You need to be serious at least half of the time, being a clown kills your air of masculinity.

This isn't about 'social skills' or 'being yourself' either. Being a clown too much is not good in any aspect, not because it is a sign of insecurity but because it is the opposite of masculinity. Watch your role models and emulate.

I generally agree. I think humor is overrated in the game. Furthermore, I think ****y/funny, ball busting, "never giving her a direct answer," etc. is seriously overrated. I actually improved when I started being more serious.

You're an intelligent guy Jariel. I can tell from your posts. I bet women would enjoy deeper, more serious conversations with you. Plus, it will give you a more serious masculine air to go with your fit body.

 

[Jariel]

Thanks Mike! I agree with you on humour being overrated. A touch of c+f and neg hitting here and there is cool, but when I think back it has done my relationships more harm than good in the long run.

I'm debating whether I stand any chance of repairing the damage I've done with the woman I was seeing recently. I'll wait a couple of weeks and see how I feel, but I'm thinking it could be impossible to change that last impression.

 

[tryst type]

I also used to get same responses as your female friend told you.

Basically it comes down to this, being funny is great in the very first moments of a girl to help bring down walls/create comfort but as soon as that happens you need to shift into a more "serious" way of communicating with sprinkled humor here and there to keep things on the right track.

 

[sstype]

Jariel,

Add me to the anti-clown crowd.

Being too smiley, laughing and joking all the time, trying to be the "funny" guy, always trying to have the perfect suave/****y/teasing response to everything will at best, cause people to not have much respect for you, even if they like you. At worst, it'll make people think you're just an annoying clown trying too hard to impress.

I know this firsthand because I was always that guy.....I was also the guy with few friends and lots of people who preferred to avoid me altogether. I cringe when I think about how I used to be vs. how I am now. The change in people's attitude towards me was like night and day when I stopped being an annoying douche and started taking myself a little more seriously.

A little bit of lightheartedness peppered in will make you shine way more than someone who defines his reality as one big joke. If you're going to be a full-time comedian then at least charge for it. There's something to be said about the man who keeps to himself, speaks only when necessary, and let his actions define who he is.

 

[DanelMadr]

First, being narcistic psychopath and tough serious m@therfvcker score major points with chicks. It just makes them wet. Why?
From evolutionary point of view being a psychopath gives you major tactical advantage.
Strategically not so much because psychopaths tend to f@ck up their children and eventually a crowd of ordinary men will come for you to kick your brain out. Look at Ghaddafi or other f@ckers like him (Saddam, Lukashenko, you name it).

So one might say, it is quite allright to be a hardazz a little more. Not to wussy out, not to seek for approval etc. And that is true.

Seeking ones balance...nothing wrong with that.

But I tell you what the main problem is.

You can't seek for balance consciously. You can't analyze yourself. You can't do that. Because the You analyzing you is not You. It is your fvcking ego trying to find excuses, trying to make you act like a clown so people like you and when they don't, it tells you "That is because you were too nice. You need to be more serious."

No man, trying to fine tune your act is just like giving your rusty car a new paint.

The good news is. Your engine is rusty because you don't use it...all you do is painting the hood. Once you stop thinking and just go...all rust will be gone and you will one with your car.

Stop taking yourself too seriously. Kill the ego. Yes you are taking yourself too seriously...this article is your evidence.

How to kill an ego? Ego the little scared boy brain who wants to be liked, who wants to give you artificial identity or purpose like playboy, lawyer, son, father, whatever...
First just recognize it... it tells you "If you say that it will make you look bad." or "If you don't answer that you will lose respect." or it just makes you angry or sad. Listen to it, let it speak, observe. And eventually you will recognize it and you will stop taking orders from it.

Egoless Jariel probably will pull less girls than Jariel the Serious or Jariel the Clown but he won't mind. He will just float naturally through life, no acting, no stressing, totally in accord with the universe and with the true self.

I never had too much self confidence or self esteem. But to my surprise I had fvcking big ego. There are too kinds of people with huge egos....Psychopaths and Nice Guys.

But you can see the ego only after you truly acknowledge that you are an IDIOT. I know people say it or think it quite often, put themselves down etc. But they don't really mean it. There is always some excuse, some reason for what they did or didn't do or said or whatever.

Ego gone is like a salvation.

We are nothing but a dust. It doesn't mean to stop making world a better place. It just mean not taking credit for it ;-)

 

[FairShake]

So you're too funny? Dude, I think she's shining you on. Funny gets you far.