So...how did I end up at this silly website?
I grew up on the internet. When I was younger, even as a freshman in high school, I had stumbled across and read some PUA material. I had tried to incorporate it but I think overall it just made me weirder. I wasn't ready for it, I didn't fully understand it, and it was a bad environment to implement it. The mean things I took away from it, that were valuable lessons, was something along the lines of "Just don't be that ***** who is naively wrapped around some girl's finger. Stand up for yourself"
That's all good and well, except that I didn't understand exactly how "that *****" ended up in his position in the first place. and THAT is EVERYTHING.
I was not successful in high school. Not even once. I had a lot of **** going on in my personal life and I was not mentally or emotionally prepared to step up. Literally 0 sexual experience with girls throughout high school, even though I know several had crushes on me and I was just too naive to notice or too scared of the consequences to follow through.
Don't get me wrong. I was never totally lost. It always just seemed like something that could be put off till later...like something that would happen...eventually...
All of this theory, maybe one day it would become useful. Girls could wait until later.
BUT THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
Until girls have entered your life...Until you know how it feels, the pain, the rush...ALL OF THESE WARNINGS/ADVICE ARE EMPTY AND MEANINGLESS...
There is only one way to learn. That is THROUGH EXPERIENCE. After you have had the **** kicked out of you, you can benefit from an older homie dropping some wisdom on you. Any other way just wouldn't be "right", even if it worked...I knew how to flirt. I had made out with a fine (8/10) girl at a party before. So I never felt totally hopeless, but as I got older I really didn't like being a virgin.
_____________
Fast forward to college. In the first term, there is a really slutty, short 6/10 in my dorm who has been obviously flirting with me. After going to a party for a bit, we go back to my place...blah blah we make out for about 45 min, i finger her...I say what do you wanna do...she says anything you want...I say I wanna **** you...she says but I'm a virgin blah blah blah. She gives me my first (awful) bj.
I try to be a gentleman but I admittedly said some stupid things. The next day was weird. She wanted to talk. She said I remind her of her past BF that I'm an ******* etc etc. We have never really talked since. She has tried to make me all jealous and **** but she has probably learned by now that I'm not having it, because I'm just not attracted to her.
___________________
Next experience with a girl was just me making out with some girl at a party. It turned out she had/has a serious crsh on me (we talked on facebook). She's actually pretty damn cool but just doesn't cut it in the looks department (5-6/10). I told her my feelings after she said that she liked me.
___________________
Next I would like to fast forward to the next girl, whom I actually have a lot of respect for (which I now realize after my "relationship" with the MOST RECENT GIRL, who will come later).
Well she also lived on my floor and we had been hanging out a lot more, getting to know each other. I'll make the story short. She had a bf. Meanwhile, this girl had been sleeping in my bed (still no sex...I still dont believe in cheating). They break up. School is about to end and we have our thing. I lose my virginity (oh, and I performed as bad as possible! I hadn't been masturbating. hah!) She's really sweet but not all that attractive (6-6.5/10), she's cool, etc...I've had interesting conversations with her.
I'm grateful to her. No, i really am! I couldn't have asked for a more gentle transition into relationships and being intimate with a girl. Now that I think of it she had emotional problems but no obvious red flags except sluttiness / loving sex.
But what did it make me want? It made me want more...
__________________
Let me first emphasize, up until this point I already had the seeds of DJ planted in my head. I knew not be a little ***** ass ***** and not to cave in. I knew to be flirty and playful etc. But where I had gone wrong is that I considered Players to be jaded losers who generalized all their "wisdom" from a very specific subset of girls (trashy, slutty bargirls). In that case, i thought to myself, I don't want those girls. Sex seems so inconsequential, so fleeting...so...NOT WORTH WORRYING OVER. But what I would really like is the whole package...a girl who is sweet, caring, who makes me better, who is going to be around for me...These DJ rules do not apply to this, I told myself. I want that kind of relationship, and I am going to do what it takes to get it when I find a girl whom I think is worthy...
I had read stories, before, many stories over my lifespan on varoius internet forums...and I thought, how could these guys be so naive? Well...
She's beautiful. As soon as I first saw her, I knew I wanted to know her better. She's smart, clever, witty, deep ....AMAZING.
^(((this is what I THOUGHT. This is what I couldn't bear to admit wasn't true, after I had idealized her into what I WANTED TO HAVE...But it wasn't REAL)))
I wanted to have a relationship with her, but she had a boyfriend. Still, I hung out with her over the summer...we became closer...Eventually I said to myself, this is too much (because she has a boyfriend), and cut off contact.
It was hard for me. To sleep at night. To...not see her or talk with her. After about 2 weeks, she was texting/messaging and I caved in. She mentioned that her and her boyfirend were "on a break" now. I figured cool, how about I make another shot at this
Now allow me to summarize the rest briefly ,to get the main lessons across:
This girl has SERIOUS ISSUES. We talked so much...I slowly start to reveal my feelings. Then in a series of conversations, everything comes out. Her daddy issues, her trust problems, the fact that she has never actuall seriously emotionally cared about one of her boyfriends before...and get this, she says:
"I don't want to hurt you. you make me realize how broken i am."
and in SO MANY WORDS, She kept sending me vague, ambiguous, unclear messages about how she "LIKES" me "A LOT", but "isn't ready" "is going through too much" etc etc
and for a while, I actually bought it!!! This poor girl, I thought, she loves me and look how unlucky this situation is!!
Until after talking with numerous people and lots of thought, I realized it : she's just not into me. and this is how she manages her pain control. She thinks she's doing me a favor by preserving our "friendship" and sparing me the truth. Meanwhile she wants to string me alone because she wants the validation (she told me she has literally had multiple guys this summer confess their feelings to her! Jeez, no wonder this whole thing was a bigger shock for me than for her!! The whole thing was probably scripted. She brought up her family, then kept hinting, then a few days later she drops the "oh, im just too broken. its not you, it's me" line...HAHAHHA)
OR.... She really is that screwed up and it's not gonna happen anyway!
And guess what...IT HURTS. But I'm getting over it! Because I realize it's not the end of the world.
I feel like I"ve had my first REAL insight into the minds of girls and it scares the **** out of me.
This girl seemed so well adjusted on the outside, but guess what...
THE MOST PERFECT ONES ARE USUALLY THE ONES WITH THE MOST ****, THE MOST PAIN INSIDE, WHO HAVE LEARNED TO HIDE IT THE BEST.
I can't believe how naive I was, but I'm also amazed at how much I've learned.
And not only am I not interested in chasing random ***** right now, I'm also not interested in a serious relationship. Because I know it will either come around or it won't, and exerting effort is useless.
So that's where I am now. and you know what I'm going to focus on?
NOT GIRLS.
But IMPROVING MYSELF.
Because you know what I think...?
THIS GIRL DID ME A FAVOR.
All those girls who ****ED WITH YOU did you A FAVOR!!
How??
All these **** tests, all this bull****, is designed to determine whether YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
I wasn't truly confident in myself, and she sensed it.
Some guys are so good at bull****ting they get the girls without actually believing. That works for them.
That's not what I want. I want to believe in myself. I want to think I'm the ****. and I'm going to make it happen. And you should too. So you'll know in the future, if it doesn't work out, IT'S NOT YOU that's the problem! And I don't blame her.
Because I know she probably isn't even aware of all the ****ed up **** going on in her head. I know she's had a tough past and that it really is nothing personal. It's not my fault (well, it kind of is, but you understand)
(by the way, I have cut off contact with this girl)
Thank you, that's all. I just had to get some things out and I hope ya'll enjoy the read.
I grew up on the internet. When I was younger, even as a freshman in high school, I had stumbled across and read some PUA material. I had tried to incorporate it but I think overall it just made me weirder. I wasn't ready for it, I didn't fully understand it, and it was a bad environment to implement it. The mean things I took away from it, that were valuable lessons, was something along the lines of "Just don't be that ***** who is naively wrapped around some girl's finger. Stand up for yourself"
That's all good and well, except that I didn't understand exactly how "that *****" ended up in his position in the first place. and THAT is EVERYTHING.
I was not successful in high school. Not even once. I had a lot of **** going on in my personal life and I was not mentally or emotionally prepared to step up. Literally 0 sexual experience with girls throughout high school, even though I know several had crushes on me and I was just too naive to notice or too scared of the consequences to follow through.
Don't get me wrong. I was never totally lost. It always just seemed like something that could be put off till later...like something that would happen...eventually...
All of this theory, maybe one day it would become useful. Girls could wait until later.
BUT THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
Until girls have entered your life...Until you know how it feels, the pain, the rush...ALL OF THESE WARNINGS/ADVICE ARE EMPTY AND MEANINGLESS...
There is only one way to learn. That is THROUGH EXPERIENCE. After you have had the **** kicked out of you, you can benefit from an older homie dropping some wisdom on you. Any other way just wouldn't be "right", even if it worked...I knew how to flirt. I had made out with a fine (8/10) girl at a party before. So I never felt totally hopeless, but as I got older I really didn't like being a virgin.
_____________
Fast forward to college. In the first term, there is a really slutty, short 6/10 in my dorm who has been obviously flirting with me. After going to a party for a bit, we go back to my place...blah blah we make out for about 45 min, i finger her...I say what do you wanna do...she says anything you want...I say I wanna **** you...she says but I'm a virgin blah blah blah. She gives me my first (awful) bj.
I try to be a gentleman but I admittedly said some stupid things. The next day was weird. She wanted to talk. She said I remind her of her past BF that I'm an ******* etc etc. We have never really talked since. She has tried to make me all jealous and **** but she has probably learned by now that I'm not having it, because I'm just not attracted to her.
___________________
Next experience with a girl was just me making out with some girl at a party. It turned out she had/has a serious crsh on me (we talked on facebook). She's actually pretty damn cool but just doesn't cut it in the looks department (5-6/10). I told her my feelings after she said that she liked me.
___________________
Next I would like to fast forward to the next girl, whom I actually have a lot of respect for (which I now realize after my "relationship" with the MOST RECENT GIRL, who will come later).
Well she also lived on my floor and we had been hanging out a lot more, getting to know each other. I'll make the story short. She had a bf. Meanwhile, this girl had been sleeping in my bed (still no sex...I still dont believe in cheating). They break up. School is about to end and we have our thing. I lose my virginity (oh, and I performed as bad as possible! I hadn't been masturbating. hah!) She's really sweet but not all that attractive (6-6.5/10), she's cool, etc...I've had interesting conversations with her.
I'm grateful to her. No, i really am! I couldn't have asked for a more gentle transition into relationships and being intimate with a girl. Now that I think of it she had emotional problems but no obvious red flags except sluttiness / loving sex.
But what did it make me want? It made me want more...
__________________
Let me first emphasize, up until this point I already had the seeds of DJ planted in my head. I knew not be a little ***** ass ***** and not to cave in. I knew to be flirty and playful etc. But where I had gone wrong is that I considered Players to be jaded losers who generalized all their "wisdom" from a very specific subset of girls (trashy, slutty bargirls). In that case, i thought to myself, I don't want those girls. Sex seems so inconsequential, so fleeting...so...NOT WORTH WORRYING OVER. But what I would really like is the whole package...a girl who is sweet, caring, who makes me better, who is going to be around for me...These DJ rules do not apply to this, I told myself. I want that kind of relationship, and I am going to do what it takes to get it when I find a girl whom I think is worthy...
I had read stories, before, many stories over my lifespan on varoius internet forums...and I thought, how could these guys be so naive? Well...
She's beautiful. As soon as I first saw her, I knew I wanted to know her better. She's smart, clever, witty, deep ....AMAZING.
^(((this is what I THOUGHT. This is what I couldn't bear to admit wasn't true, after I had idealized her into what I WANTED TO HAVE...But it wasn't REAL)))
I wanted to have a relationship with her, but she had a boyfriend. Still, I hung out with her over the summer...we became closer...Eventually I said to myself, this is too much (because she has a boyfriend), and cut off contact.
It was hard for me. To sleep at night. To...not see her or talk with her. After about 2 weeks, she was texting/messaging and I caved in. She mentioned that her and her boyfirend were "on a break" now. I figured cool, how about I make another shot at this
Now allow me to summarize the rest briefly ,to get the main lessons across:
This girl has SERIOUS ISSUES. We talked so much...I slowly start to reveal my feelings. Then in a series of conversations, everything comes out. Her daddy issues, her trust problems, the fact that she has never actuall seriously emotionally cared about one of her boyfriends before...and get this, she says:
"I don't want to hurt you. you make me realize how broken i am."
and in SO MANY WORDS, She kept sending me vague, ambiguous, unclear messages about how she "LIKES" me "A LOT", but "isn't ready" "is going through too much" etc etc
and for a while, I actually bought it!!! This poor girl, I thought, she loves me and look how unlucky this situation is!!
Until after talking with numerous people and lots of thought, I realized it : she's just not into me. and this is how she manages her pain control. She thinks she's doing me a favor by preserving our "friendship" and sparing me the truth. Meanwhile she wants to string me alone because she wants the validation (she told me she has literally had multiple guys this summer confess their feelings to her! Jeez, no wonder this whole thing was a bigger shock for me than for her!! The whole thing was probably scripted. She brought up her family, then kept hinting, then a few days later she drops the "oh, im just too broken. its not you, it's me" line...HAHAHHA)
OR.... She really is that screwed up and it's not gonna happen anyway!
And guess what...IT HURTS. But I'm getting over it! Because I realize it's not the end of the world.
I feel like I"ve had my first REAL insight into the minds of girls and it scares the **** out of me.
This girl seemed so well adjusted on the outside, but guess what...
THE MOST PERFECT ONES ARE USUALLY THE ONES WITH THE MOST ****, THE MOST PAIN INSIDE, WHO HAVE LEARNED TO HIDE IT THE BEST.
I can't believe how naive I was, but I'm also amazed at how much I've learned.
And not only am I not interested in chasing random ***** right now, I'm also not interested in a serious relationship. Because I know it will either come around or it won't, and exerting effort is useless.
So that's where I am now. and you know what I'm going to focus on?
NOT GIRLS.
But IMPROVING MYSELF.
Because you know what I think...?
THIS GIRL DID ME A FAVOR.
All those girls who ****ED WITH YOU did you A FAVOR!!
How??
All these **** tests, all this bull****, is designed to determine whether YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
I wasn't truly confident in myself, and she sensed it.
Some guys are so good at bull****ting they get the girls without actually believing. That works for them.
That's not what I want. I want to believe in myself. I want to think I'm the ****. and I'm going to make it happen. And you should too. So you'll know in the future, if it doesn't work out, IT'S NOT YOU that's the problem! And I don't blame her.
Because I know she probably isn't even aware of all the ****ed up **** going on in her head. I know she's had a tough past and that it really is nothing personal. It's not my fault (well, it kind of is, but you understand)
(by the way, I have cut off contact with this girl)
Thank you, that's all. I just had to get some things out and I hope ya'll enjoy the read.
