I feel like a nightlife downer

[The LadyKiller]

I recently relocated to begin a new job. Since the company is pretty big in size and a lot of the employees are the same age, the people we meet and befriend are all going to be from work.

In this regard, I do ok on the surface. I am naturally outgoing, so meeting people is no problem and I have a few solid friends (plus a large number of acquaintances). Though it appears I know people, I have a tough time being able to go out on the weekends. A lot of people are working on the weekends (the place runs 24-7), but there are still some people I know who I would go out with.

The problem is this: If people are hanging out in someone's apartment, if people want to go out and get a quick lunch, I'm in. But when these same people want to go out for the night or are having a party, I am "forgotten." Sometimes, I am still able to go because one of my close friends will also be going and they will let me know. The host/other people going out act typically fine that I'm there too! Otherwise, I'm out of luck. It's frustrating. Why am I cool during the day, but at night I'm out of the loop?

Though I am posting on this forum, I haven't been sitting doing nothing about this; I've made attempts to achieve consistency. If I try to plan something with people, a number of them will skip out at the last minute. I've tried what I thought was best, saying, "Hey, if you guys are going out, give me a head's up, I'm down for doing something." They'll say they will let me know...but usually don't.

My question is, what should I do? What is the best way to go about getting invited out? I do not enjoy doing "nothing" on the weekends. I'm not ugly and I'm not a mute (I'm also not crazy nor do I drink a lot by any stretch), but something is there. My only theory is that people think me being an extremely hard worker = I must be a bore away from work. I am laid back towards others at work and like talking to people, but am intense when it comes to getting the job done.

 

[The LadyKiller]

Any suggestions? My goal is to get the message across without being overly pushy about it.

 

[J Roc]

go out by yourself and find REAL friends. these co-workers are not your pals.

 

[The LadyKiller]

I'm not going to bars or out alone. There was a thread awhile ago about how going out solo is weird. Also, it's just not that much fun, you have nobody to hang out with.

Hoping for some advice on how to go out/have fun with people. Once again, given the setting, it's going to be with people from work. I get along with them and do some things during the day, it's just a matter of transitioning that into something at night and being involved.

 

[FairShake]

You might come across as annoying, uncool, or weird. Perhaps some combo of the three. People will often invite out people who they don't even like if they fit in with the rest of the group on nites out so it may not be that they don't like you.

You probably just don't fit in. Which is something that you can't change easily other than by being a continued presence. You said you have people that sometimes invite you. Go when they do. It will be better than not going at all.

In the meantime, find yourself a couple solid friends and spend time with them so while you may be annoying, uncool, or weird at least you won't be needy. You won't need them.

 

[The LadyKiller]

Im the the exact same boat. In my case I ignored and offended the UG's in the group so that may be the cause, since I generally get invited to guy-only events. Blatantly dis-invited to weeked mixed events though.

I at first wondered if there was something wong with me because I do know that the group has excluded people in the past for being annoying but I dont think that is the case in my situation. Could be in yours though. If you are not getting along with people and relaxed in the work setting then they might not think you're a fun person.

I seem to get along fine with people at work. I am very outgoing/gregarious, which I'm sure works both for and against me. I don't ignore/offend people, but something has to be there. Regardless, I don't think I'll ever receive an answer.

You might come across as annoying, uncool, or weird. Perhaps some combo of the three. People will often invite out people who they don't even like if they fit in with the rest of the group on nites out so it may not be that they don't like you.

You probably just don't fit in. Which is something that you can't change easily other than by being a continued presence. You said you have people that sometimes invite you. Go when they do. It will be better than not going at all.

In the meantime, find yourself a couple solid friends and spend time with them so while you may be annoying, uncool, or weird at least you won't be needy. You won't need them.

This could certainly be possible. I don't see myself as weird/uncool; I feel I self-assess well, but it's never 100%. As for annoying, while I don't feel I invade anyone's zone, I do talk a lot (by nature - even though I don't talk about myself a lot), and that could always play into it.

Maybe I don't fit in, like you said. As I mentioned above, I don't think I'll ever know if that's true and/or why. I get along with them perfectly fine at work.

 

[MikeOck]

Maybe you could ask one of the people at work, who you consider to be a solid friend, what they think the problem is? You'd have to do it in a way that they know you wouldn't get upset if they told you the honest truth, and you would have to look at it as a learning experience because having a friend honestly tell you that something is "wrong with you" can hurt anyone's feelings. If they are honest with you and you don't take it the wrong way (get upset/offended/hold a grudge against the group), perhaps it would be something you could work on so you would be more accepted by this group.

Otherwise you (and we) are just taking shots in the dark here.