I don't see my social skills getting any better

[SayWhat]

Hi

For the last year I've been working on my social skills as I believe these are my greatest weakness.

I used to not know what to say to people and if I said something I would quickly shut up as to not bother them or that I simply thought what I was saying was none of their interest. And I also thought if I say just neutral stuff and keep it as short as possible, people would like me a little bit. I find this better as doing what I want and some people don't like me and some do.

This is why I don't have that many friends, I know a lot of people, but just a few of them I can call friends.

This as you can imagine bothered the hell out of me. So the last year I tried to change this. I went to university so I came in contact with a lot of new people; I started waitering so I could train it by coming in contact with even more people; I started a new hobby so I could talk to people who have the same interests.

But this all didn't work, in fact I feel worse than before. If I see other people, they are talking, they can make others laugh,... I simply can't do this, I'm always thinking about what the other will think of me, or what I can say to sound interesting or make them laugh.
I tried all kinds of stuff like just listening to them, repeating key words, asking questions about them and not talking about me, repeating the last word they said so they would go deeper into it,... But nothing, I just can't do it and I don't know why...

 

[YAboi]

listen to harry wilmington podcasts

 

[SayWhat]

I can't seem to find them, can you point me to it?

 

[YAboi]

I can't seem to find them, can you point me to it?

www.stoplosingwomen.com/

 

[3agle 3yes]

Though I agree you should read the link, let me contribute.

Let's zero in on your problem...

I used to not know what to say to people and if I said something I would quickly shut up as to not bother them or that I simply thought what I was saying was none of their interest. And I also thought if I say just neutral stuff and keep it as short as possible, people would like me a little bit. I find this better as doing what I want and some people don't like me and some do.

...But this all didn't work, in fact I feel worse than before. If I see other people, they are talking, they can make others laugh,... I simply can't do this, I'm always thinking about what the other will think of me, or what I can say to sound interesting or make them laugh.
I tried all kinds of stuff like just listening to them, repeating key words, asking questions about them and not talking about me, repeating the last word they said so they would go deeper into it,... But nothing, I just can't do it and I don't know why...

I don't often quote Bible verses, but this came to mind:

"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" Mark 8:36.

What good is it if everyone values you, when you don't value yourself?

Clearly you want people to like you so you can feel valuable.

Ironically, the kind of people many like are those who ALREADY value themselves regardless of what people think.

What happens outside, happens INSIDE first.

 

[asa_don]

your problem is you worry too much of what others think of you, that shouldn't bother you in the least. just relax, loosen up and engage in conversation. not everybody can be naturally funny, some guys are serious but have sarcastic comments that make people laugh. you need to find out what style works best for your personality. just start talking and don't give a sh1t, you will find yourself more relaxed and spend more time talking than thinking. if people don't value what you have to say then those people you don't need around.

listen to harry wilmington podcasts

why are you promoting his stuff? :crackup: lol.

 

[YAboi]

why are you promoting his stuff? :crackup: lol.

Cos it's in audio form and is well thought out and packaged and is almost conversational in its explanations almost like your bro is talking to you on how to get laid.

 

[Don-Kong]

OP, you need to feel worse to get better.

You've engaged in exposure, a key method in overcoming anxiety, and this is always always challenging. This is a good sign. You've been proactive in self development. Another really good sign.

You should ask what it means to you to be sociable as it appears like you are comparing yourself against what you perceive in others in different situations.

Be like a scientist when you reflect on these things and be compassionate towards yourself. Challenge your thinking. Is it really true? What evidence do I have to believe this, how can I test out how confident I am with others, can I rate it for myself instead of rating myself against an imagined number in others?

 

[FairShake]

I honestly believe there are people that are just not made to be extroverted talkers. There are people that are simply made to be thinking introverts with a few good friends.

As long as you aren't ALIENATING people your social skills are fine.

The problem is your energy, not your skills. If your introversion is what's holding you back you have to make a strong effort to be extroverted. You need to stop worrying about what people will think of you. Everyone I know who is extroverted doesn't care (as much) about what other people think about them as, say, myself. Remember you aren't naturally this way so prepare yourself that it will be awkward. Know that going in and I think it may be less of a hindrance.

 

[SayWhat]

Thanks all for your responses.

The problem is, I think I am an extrovert, I love being around many people (only when it comes to talking, I hate it because of the reasons in my first post). Another reason I think I'm an extrovert is because of my past, I used to be so self-confident, but a break-up from over 5 years ago, has turned me in a negative spiral.

An example from today:

Like I said, I'm a waiter and today there was this match from my country at the world cup. When we made our first goal, the entire bar was celebrating of course, but I just stood there, I was thinking "if I would cheer as loud as everyone, what would they think of me, I would look so stupid". And yes I realize this is stupid, as no one would care at that moment.

But this leads back to when I look at myself in the mirror, I basically see a nerd with a nerdy face. Even though I'm completely not a nerd in the computer kind of way or any other way. I've been told I'm pretty by several girls. I just can't get over that nerdy feeling and the fact I think I have an ugly face and I don't know why... Or does this relate back to the fact I want everyone to like me?