I don't like it...

[Dash Riprock]

How many other DJs get into this conundrum:

You're casually dating a chick for a couple months. It's been good so far, fun, good chemistry, taking it slow - you see each other once/week, maybe a phone call, a text, in-between dates. You start to dig her a little more as time goes by. She's brought up the exclusivity thing in the past and you say, “it's a little soon, lets see how things go.” So you continue having fun, DJ-ing her, and she's into you.

Now, I'm pretty sure another guy has emerged on the scene. I haven't said a word either way and have played it off and basically ignored it. Probably because I didn't give her "exclusivity" (and I'm sure not going to ask for it now, it's not the man's job).

Still not 100% sure I should give her exclusive rights (that's a big deal to me), but I don't like the idea of this dude romancing her either.

I know 90% of all guys ARE AFCs (especially in Boulder, CO, more like 99%), but my ego/warrior/King Leonidas instinct is speaking loud today: I DON'T FVCKING LIKE IT. S**t, my ego and testosterone are my #1 asset and #1 Achilles heel at the same time. I'm super competitive and HATE to lose at anything, so this sort of thing doesn't mix well with me even though over the years I've learned to hide it. The skill is called CONTROL.

BUT, when someone is trying to canoodle my girl (I consider her my girl too), I react, albeit silently.

This happened once before a few years ago. When I caught wind, I called the girl and told her I didn't like it--and that was it. She dumped the guy, cancelled travel plans with him and we dated for 2 years.

Anyone else dealing with this?

 

[Gangster Of Love]

How do you even know a guy has merged on the scene? This can be a fictional character that she's trying to pretend is in the picture, an advanced tactic to get you to comit. That guy can also be a character that only exists in your head, therefore making the job a lot easier for her.

What do you want? If you don't know, and if you are getting jealous, maybe that should tell you what you want.

Perhaps she is a lot more skilled at using some of these advanced tactics to get what she wants, than you and other girls you've been involved with.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Still not 100% sure I should give her exclusive rights (that's a big deal to me), but I don't like the idea of this dude romancing her either.

What do you want?

 

[joekerr31]

let me get this straight?

you told her you don't want to be exclusive yet and now you are upset that maybe she is seeing someone else.

what's the problem? you didnt want to be exclusive. unless what you meant was that YOU wanted to date other people but you wanted her to JUST date you.

grow up man. i dont mean that as an insult, but you are acting like a chic. saying you want one thing, and then when thats what you get, getting all upset over it.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Dash,


Turf Wars...Ownership Games...Testosterone-driven Greed...a "wake-up call" that you could possibly lose the "right" woman for you if you DON'T make a decision, maybe?


It could be ANY "one" or NONE of the things I just mentioned. But in order to find out, ONE question you could ask yourself would be:

"Would I WANT this woman so badly right now if another guy was NOT in the picure?"

And perhaps your answer to that question will put you on a path to uncover your subconscious motivations for you now being tempted to buy "the rights" to this woman using the currency of exclusivity.

And also, remember this:

Despite SOME of what you may here on this website and in this community at large, a woman is not ALWAYS being an unreasonable, dream-killing, controlling bytch for wanting to be with you AND ONLY you.

Sometimes, believe it or not, it CAN mean that "she" is a good judge of what a REAL man is. It could be that she's a woman who has found what she's been looking for in YOU, and has declared her search "OVER"----because your consistently being a DJ in her presence has finally actually "WORKED" to it's FULLEST extent. (gasp!!!).

Just something to think about...


Peace...one day.

 

[Last Man Standing]

If she is not a virgin then assume she is currently getting sexed!!! Girls don't wait for a guy unless she is a virgin!!! They hate to be alone and if they are not virgins then there is nothing stopping them from opening their legs to anyone who tickles their fancy!!

All women want a devoted relationship!!!

 

[STR8UP]

Ever heard the saying, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? That saying was probably invented during a situation like this.

Went through the same sh!t with a chick last year.

I know where you're coming from. You spend a little time around a chick and even if it isn't serious or exclusive you will still start to see her as "your turf". and when someone invades your turf you feel the desire to defend it.

Unfortunately, if a chick is looking for a relationship and you don't step up to the plate, she won't hesitate to take the next opportunity to latch on to someone who WILL.

The key here is to stay in control. If you let her see that she has rattled your cage, YOU LOSE.

The bad thing is that now even if you decided today that you HONESTLY want a relationship with her, you can't do anything about it.

The way I see it you don't have any choice at this point. You HAVE to take a step back. Best case, it puts you back in the drivers seat. Worse case, you avoid the grief you're gonna experience if you don't put some distance between you.

If you weren't emotionally invested in her it would be a different story, but since you ARE, it's gonna eat at you day and night to be thinking about some other dude fukking "your" girl. And if you DO want a relationship from her all you're gonna do is drive her away with your current mindset.

 

[grinder]

As long as you remain the better man you will not lose them to another.

If you give in to jealousy and insecurity you are no longer the better man.

 

[blueguy]

I'm super competitive and HATE to lose at anything

I think to an extent we are all competitive, and I can relate to that feeling. But this one is self-defeating. Don't compete against another man for her or let these controlling thoughts enter into you. If you happen to lose her, instead, make yourself a better man. That is the real competition! Brush it off, walk away. You can only win battles when they are against yourself.

 

[Phyzzle]

You can do what I did in a similar situation: "hey, if we're still together on September 15th, let's be exclusive." She will certainly be very good to you for the next 2 weeks.

But is this is the same woman who hung around without having sex for 3 months?

If this is still the case, you guys should just give up on this "mexican standoff relationship". It looks like she can't have sex without commitment, and you can't commit to a woman who doesn't lust for you.

 

[WestCoaster]

I'm confused

You didn't want exclusivity, and now you do? But now you want it only because you assume there's another guy?! Huh?

You're getting reversed DJed.

Also, in every relationship I've been in and for most guys I know, there's this thing called the "pullback." Basically it's just a sh-t test, but the pullback is a tried and try method by women. It's to test your manliness vs. AFCness.

What happens is you're cruising along nicely in your relationship (usually 3 weeks to a month in) and all of the sudden the woman says, (pick one or more):

1. "I need more space."

2. "I want to slow things down."

3. "I don't think it's going to work out."

... And there are others. A few times I've blown up and wimped out, thus cashing in my chips at any chance of a relationship. Surprisingly, one woman took me back despite my getting angry.

A few other times I just acted confused and hurt. Again, this caused dumping finale.

One time I act like I didn't care ... that brought confusion upon the woman. She wasn't sure what to do with me.

But the sure-fire way that had them running back was I said, "I'm disappointed, but I understand," and then my next actions were to date others. When it was found out that I'd quickly got back on the dating scene, they come running back in a hurry.

They want control, don't give it to them.

 

[STR8UP]

One time I act like I didn't care ... that brought confusion upon the woman. She wasn't sure what to do with me.

That's EXACTLY what I did with the chick I dated last year.

That's why I always say the most powerful thing a guy can do when a woman does or says something stupid (or throws you a sh!t test or starts seeing another guy or whatever) is to WALK AWAY. If a woman expects you to display emotion and you keep your cool it sends a VERY powerful message that she isn't NEARLY as important to you as she thinks she is.

When this chick emailed me she says "Just wanted you to know I started dating someone...blah, blah......I don't want you to be upset.....blah, blah......If you want to talk about this call me.....blah, blah.....But I still want to come to your party on saturday, so let me know if you want me to be there...."

To which I replied "Congrats, hope it works out for you. See you saturday".

And that was that. I know she didn't expect my reaction.

Had I so much as called her or mentioned anything about it later, she would have had what she needed to write me off. But I didn't give her the satisfaction. As much as I wanted to say a thing or two, I bit my tongue. And because I did, to this day she is still obviously perplexed by my lack of emotion. Saw her a couple of weeks ago, and right in the middle of having a great time enjoying some drinks and dancing with a group of friends at a club, she walks over to me and says, "Wow, you must really hate me, huh" Totally out of the blue and out of context.

I got that email LAST NOVEMBER. Why would she still be bringing this up?

It's great to be "in the know".

 

[KontrollerX]

Just curious but how did you react to her question Str8up?

 

[STR8UP]

Just curious but how did you react to her question Str8up?

I wasn't going to get into a big discussion while I was enjoying myself on my only night out (or any time for that matter) so i pretty much blew it off. As soon as I have "that talk" with her she will have her resolution. Why would I give her the satisfaction?

 

[joekerr31]

her: "Wow, you must really hate me, huh"
me: "I don't believe in hate - total waste of energy"
her: "ummm ok"
me: smile and go flirt with some other girl

her: "Wow, you must really hate me, huh"
me: "why? did you kill someone i love?"
her: 'what?"
me: "unless you killed someone i love why would i hate you?"

her: "Wow, you must really hate me, huh"
me: "I hate that the dolphins didn't win the superbowl. why would i hate you?"
her: (a wtf look on her face as she realizes a football team means more to me than her)

her: "Wow, you must really hate me, huh"
me: "People only hate things they don't understand. So no, I don't hate you."
her: "what are you saying?"
me: "exactly" (then walk away)

 

[Mr.Positive]

I think we've all gotten this sh!t test before. The next time a woman says, "You really hate me, don't you?"

I'm going to say, No, and look deep into her eyes and say "I love you, I've loved you the first day I laid eyes on you." I'll grab her hand and say "your touch lights my soul, and your love will keep me warm for all eternity". (Tell her what she wants to hear).

Then, spot the nearest HB, go competely into a zombie-like trance staring at her.

Mutter "Hot babe!! Big Knockers!! Gotta go!! See ya later love.."

Then chat up the HB.

 

[Phyzzle]

^^ Ha Ha. That sounds like Doc Love.

Non-reacting is good, but you can really mess with her mind if you want. "I'll never love anyone like I love you, so keep in touch" get up and wander off.

 

[edger]

I think we've all gotten this sh!t test before. The next time a woman says, "You really hate me, don't you?"

I'm going to say, No, and look deep into her eyes and say "I love you, I've loved you the first day I laid eyes on you." I'll grab her hand and say "your touch lights my soul, and your love will keep me warm for all eternity". (Tell her what she wants to hear).

Then, spot the nearest HB, go competely into a zombie-like trance staring at her.

Mutter "Hot babe!! Big Knockers!! Gotta go!! See ya later love.."

Then chat up the HB.

LOL! Sarcasm/****y-funny at it's best.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

DASH, just for sake of clarification, is this the same girl who's been holding out on you and only giving you oral from this thread?:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=128121

Or this one?:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=127433

Or this one?:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126051

Or this one?:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=125319

Now, I'm pretty sure another guy has emerged on the scene. Probably because I didn't give her "exclusivity" (and I'm sure not going to ask for it now, it's not the man's job).

So you believe your being exclusive with her would've been a defense against her interest in a new guy? Heh,..I wonder how many men currently going through a divorce now thought the same of their wives?

Ibut my ego/warrior/King Leonidas instinct is speaking loud today

King Leonidas has OPTIONS. This is why he isn't exclusive, he has more than one plate spinning for months at a time. A Prince's attention is a commodity that other women should compete for. If one disregards this (for whatever reason) a Prince has 3 more begging for his time because they can appreciate this. Powerful men jealously guard their most precious assets - their options and their ability to manuever. An LTR should be an unavoidable by-product of this appreciation, not bourne from an ultimatum or an obligation. That is the surest path to a destructive relationship. Women want to be associated with a man who's identity they can respect, admire and appreciate because it reflects on their own ability to be associated with it.

(I consider her my girl too), I react, albeit silently.

Because you are ALREADY exclusive with her. You limit yourself, you censor yourself, you pass on very good options because you are exclusive with her now. You try to make that mental separation and tell yourself you're still free to explore other options, but you're really only stroking yourself if you're not spinning more plates in the real world. You would never have started this or any of your other threads bemoaning 'exclusivity' if you were truly spinnng the plates you should. You simply wouldn't care because you'd have the confidence of knowing you had other, real, opportunities.

Your real fear is of non-exclusivity. "If I don't tell her we're going steady she'll leave me for the other guy", "If I don't tell her she the only one, she might be the ONE that got away"

This happened once before a few years ago. When I caught wind, I called the girl and told her I didn't like it--and that was it. She dumped the guy, cancelled travel plans with him and we dated for 2 years.

Ah, you must mean the span of time from December of 2005 to June of 2007 where your threads dropped to nothing here on SS? And how did this work out for you?

 

[Gangster Of Love]

RT, you're on fire. I'm sure you've been told in the past that you'd make a great detective.

Sure sounds like she exhausted the sex card, now she pulled the main trump card, "Exclusivity" and it is working like a charm. These are some of the oldest tricks in the book, yet they work way too often.