I don’t drink,,, disclose or not pre date

John9999

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I am a 53 year old male. Just had a first date end about 30 minutes ago. Everything was great except that she seem to make a big deal over the fact that I don’t drink. I had a problem as a teenager and I’ve been clean and sober for 34 years. She said she likes to go to wine tastings and go to Napa and would want her guy to enjoy that with her.

This is not the first time this has been a No-go issue for me with some women. So here’s the question. Do I bring this up before a first date? And just get it out-of-the-way so that if it’s a problem we don’t do the first date and waste time and money?
 
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MrWood

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Continue on how you want... She likely uses "wine tasting" to meet guys.
She thinks that men who go to wine tastings have money... hint: shes not the one.

I dont drink often (i poke the smot) and I hate wine and hate the smell of alcohol on a woman's breath...
yet I will ask a girl out for "coffee or a sweet wine"

I observe... HOW she drinks, can she stop? Does she get sloppy? Does she tell drama stories, etc.
Allowing a woman access to alcohol is a great way to judge character.
 

KindredSpiritzz

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I would think women would view it as a positive if you don't drink, especially at our age. I hear women complain that lots of guys they meet online are drunks. I always tell women i aint much into drinking. I'd mention that before a first date, then she knows and you dont waste your time if she needs a drinking partner.
 

Mauser96

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I am a 53 year old male. Just had a first date end about 30 minutes ago. Everything was great except that she seem to make a big deal over the fact that I don’t drink. That is HER problem, not yours I had a problem as a teenager and I’ve been clean and sober for 34 years. She said she likes to go to wine tastings and go to Napa and would want her guy to enjoy that with her. "No problem , I hope you find him". She simply isn't a good fit for you. No biggie.

This is not the first time this has been a No-go issue for me with some women. So here’s the question. Do I bring this up before a first date? And just get it out-of-the-way so that if it’s a problem we don’t do the first date and waste time and money?

It's up to you, but never be ashamed of beating an addiciton. This is why you keep your first dates inexpensive. You shouldn't be spending alot of money on a complete stranger. If a woman is so shallow that she doesn't want to date you because you don't drink, either because you beat an addiction OR you simply don't want to drink.....then she is not a great woman anyways.
 

rando5495

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Her wine tasting in Napa is so far in the future to make it completely irrelevant. You are a guy, and therefore have 'male-privilege' (IE women not wanting to take responsibility; that's our thing) enough to make and set the first dozen dates. Hence it's in your hands to 'frame' things however you want for whatever you want (be that a one night stand, or something more serious).
 
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EyeOnThePrize

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I am a 53 year old male. Just had a first date end about 30 minutes ago. Everything was great except that she seem to make a big deal over the fact that I don’t drink. I had a problem as a teenager and I’ve been clean and sober for 34 years. She said she likes to go to wine tastings and go to Napa and would want her guy to enjoy that with her.

This is not the first time this has been a No-go issue for me with some women. So here’s the question. Do I bring this up before a first date? And just get it out-of-the-way so that if it’s a problem we don’t do the first date and waste time and money?
every time it's come up women look at me with admiration, i've never had a woman see it as a negative, because i don't see it as a negative. maybe i simply don't attract those kind of women. i don't drink because i think it's stupid and unnecessary, i can have a blast without it. i save money, i don't make stupid mistakes, and i become the most lively at the party while everyone is passing out, getting sick, and throwing up. i wake up the next morning hydrated, refreshed, having had a great time the night before. why even mention your troubles with it 34 years ago? it's not a big deal and it's none of her business. if she wants to order drinks then say 'hey i'm going to stick with water, i gotta get some stuff done tomorrow.' or whatever. let her deem you as a 'light drinker', who cares. a woman that's into you will not let something so trivial be a deal breaker. a healthy woman will admire you and feel inspired to stop drinking herself. you must have explained it in a shameful way or something. be proud of being sober, drinking is like throwing sand in a fine tuned machine, there's no logically sound reason to do it, even if your goal is to have a good time.

besides wine tastings are about tasting the wine, you're not supposed to swallow it. does she even know what she's talking about?
 
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2Rocky

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It is pretty simple. You say," I don't mind if you drink....I don't. Thanks."

If she presses it, just say "There are a lot of things I choose to not do. Drugs, smoke, eat brussel sprouts...Just not my thing."

Another approach is to say you are allergic to it, and it makes you ill. Think Gluten Free.


The point is she doesn't have to change her life, it is your choice. Truth be told these wineries are cool places to visit, and talking about the soil and growing conditions to make a certain type of wine is pretty interesting. Usually being the DD you get a deal on the wine tours.

Now if she wants to go out and get numb every weekend, you don't need that.
 

Barrister

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Definitely would not bring it up before the first date. You could come off uptight before anything even happens. If you take her out and are doing everything else right it won't matter to her that you don't drink (if it does then good riddance anyway). However, if you make a point of it prior to the date it will either not make a difference or will be seen as a negative. In no way would it possibly help you.
 
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Kamadev

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every time it's come up women look at me with admiration, i've never had a woman see it as a negative, because i don't see it as a negative.
I don't drink either. I've shared the same experience as EyeOnThePrize above, or in some cases they start stumbling over themselves trying to say "Oh, well, I don't drink THAT much," as if they're afraid I'm judging them (which I can quickly resolve by telling them I'm completely fine if they drink, it's just my personal preference not to). If it comes up, "I've just never gotten into it" plus a joke about how it saves me money usually goes over well.

I usually do not bring it up on a first outing unless they do. Often if I'm just grabbing coffee/tea/juice/dessert, it may not even come up. I still go out to bars, depending on the girl, but I go to places where I know I can order tea or other non-alcoholic options.

But yes, OP, I'd say if it has repeatedly been a "no-go" issue for you in the past, either a) you need to cultivate greater abundance and outcome-independence so you just move on to the next girl, and/or b) you ask yourself honestly if you're maintaining frame during this part of the conversation or if you are coming across as inadequate or defensive (even if you do not mean to be) when you answer a woman's question about alcohol.
 

MrWood

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dont ask dont tell... disclose if asked.

Odd as it seems... I have a paralized arm, its skinny and floppy and ugly. I almost never disclose until after (I think) they see it, notice it.
It never seemed to make any difference on a date, in the sack or otherwise. I also drink very little. I smoke and 98.5% of the last 10yr of dating and relationships, they didn't smoke.

It likely a good idea for you to make a decision if you are ok with them drinking
 

thinker

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I only tell them if they bring it up. When I've told women I have always had very positive reactions , some will even light up immediately. I think one of the reasons is because it communicates that I am a naturally fun guy.
 

jaymbrs

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I'm a drinker and I couldn't date a woman who didn't drink. Alcohol is a drug and you want those who around to feel the effects of it as you while drinking. It loosens you up. I also like breweries. Can't really plan a date there with a non-drinker. It's a compatibility thing.

But to answer your question I think saying it upfront is the wisest thing to do. It'll save time for both of you.
 
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2Rocky

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Wait who is vetting whom? If you don't drink, you might as well sift out any woman for which that would be a problem.
 

oldmanofthesea

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I don't drink either. I used to be worried about it after quitting... "How will women react," I wondered. I'll never know if any women ghosted me because I didn't drink, but more often than not, most women love it. They say they wish they could stop, or admire me for having the willpower to not drink, or they say I could be a good inspiration for them. I think a lot of women have been burned by alcoholics, or just secretly love the idea of not feeling compelled to drink all the time because their date is.

I will say that most women don't like weakness in men, hereditary, emotional, or others, so the strength factor of you ability to go sober and stay sober is something they find very admirable, but alcoholism and substance abuse (even if in your past) is often a red flag to them. I think it goes back to the evolutionary lizard brain that wants to mate with the strongest possible stock. Substance abuse can be viewed as a "flaw" in some eyes. So I would avoid giving that as a reason for quitting and just say you made the decision long ago to be as healthy physically and mentally as possible and alcohol wasn't part of that equation.

Any woman who won't date you because she values her drug more than you has done you a huge favor by screening herself the fvck out! Seriously, there is a problem if alcohol is that important and plays that much of a central focus in someone's life.

Be proud. You should be.
 

sangheilios

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Not sure how old this woman is, but if she is rejecting you based off of something like that I think she did you a favor.

Stuff like this may be relevant to people in high school and perhaps college/early twenties, where heavy partying and drinking are normal and fairly expected. However, once you get past a certain age, in my opinion 25+, your life should be far more focused on other things that build towards a stable life.

That's why women when they are in their teens and early twenties generally go for guys that are fun and exciting to them, party a lot, etc. However, when women get older they start to value things like stability, resources, etc. Unfortunately, there are many women who don't really grow past the teenager type stage and they generally go for the wrong guys time and time again who pump and dump them.
 

Trump

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She said she likes to go to wine tastings and go to Napa and would want her guy to enjoy that with her.
You can easily go with her. Just spit the wine out after tasting it.

This is not the first time this has been a No-go issue for me with some women.
‘Hey Jessica, I know the perfect guy for you. Name is John9999, he is handsome, rich, tall, educated. But there is one major issue.”
‘What is it? He’s married?”
‘No no. He just doesn’t drink.”
‘What the hell? How could you even THINK of setting me up with a tall, handsome, rich, educated man who DOESN’T drink? How stupid are you?”

Sweet.

Do I bring this up before a first date?
Sure.

And just get it out-of-the-way so that if it’s a problem we don’t do the first date and waste time and money?
Good idea.

But you also have to check with her to see what she doesn't drink. If she doesn’t drink coffee or Coke, you are screwed, you can’t date anyone.
 
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