I cheated : now I feel like s**t

[jophil28]

Perception is at least half of reality, but really its probably more than that.

Please can we NOT debate this fluff anymore. It was debated in another thread and we wound up with two polarized views. Drop it please.

 

[edger]

I cheated on my GF this weekend.. I am 33 years old.. Was with my ex-wife for 12 years and had many exclusive GFs before and after the ex-wife. I have NEVER cheated on a significant other until now.. I really feel like a piece of slime.. How do I get past this?

Don't feel guilty. Why? Because, in all probability, she'd do it too(if she was with some AFC). Most women aren't true and are ruthless. Very few women are good human beings. I'm not saying your chick would cheat if she were with an AFC or not, I'm just saying, according to statistics, most women would.

 

[ketostix]

I think what it comes down to is personal values. We all have different values, and we take actions in life, and have experiences, that challenge these values each day.

When you take everything away, wealth, popularity, the media, strip everything away down to the core level..your personal values define you..as a man.

Knowing what your values are, and making decisions based on your values..the right decisions, for you...will lead you to finding an inner peace and happiness that nobody can challenge.

You are a rock. You can take anything that life throws at you, with a positive mindset, and succeed.

While cheating may not be a crime, there is still a victim...there is a person on the receiving end that could be hurt by being decieved that way.

I think that when we make choices, we ought to own up to them. Taking the easy way out is weak, IMO.

I think we have 2 issue going on here. The first issue is whether you feel cheating or whatever "offense" is wrong. This is where I tend to agree with you and dislike moral relativism as well. And the second argument is once you've done something you believe is wrong, then how do you rectify it? This is where I diverge a little from you and actually agree to a large extent with Azanon. I'm not really sure the best way for both parties to rectify a wrong to another person that is mostly an emotional wrong would be bringing it up to their attention.

 

[RedPill]

Pre-Calculus and Discrete DJ Math

LL,

I can't believe nobody has pointed this out yet.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=129475

I've been through a divorce after a 12 year relationship, and after getting axed from that, this doesnt feel nearly as bad.. Even though I had more in common with this chick than I ever have with any other, including my ex wife or any of the 50 others I have dated over the past 3 years.. ahh well, what can ya do?! sarge on I guess!!!

In the thread referenced above, dated 8/25/07, you wrote about "getting dumped for saying the L-word". Today is 2/11/08, or five-and-a-half months later. Let's say for a moment, conservatively, that there was at least a two-week turnaround from this previous chick nexting you and when you started dating the latest. In reality it was probably a bit longer than that.

How (and why) did you manage to get yourself into this position of exclusivity this quickly? The voice with which you write this thread makes it sound like you were practically engaged to this woman and in the throes of passion made fukk to another in a moment of complete helplessness.

Do you get oneitis with all the chicks you date for a few weeks? According to you there's been many exclusives. How many in the 50 over three years are you considering exclusive? That's an average of a new one every 3.1 weeks.

I mean this with all the love in the world bro: grow the fukk up.

Really man, what you need to do, especially after spending your entire 20s in a failed marriage, is start dating non-exclusively.

I double-dog dare you to play the field, keep your options open, and under no circumstances put yourself into one of these self-imposed monogamous situations again until you can emotionally emancipate yourself from the almighty vagina.

It sounds as if your identity has lost itself somewhere out in the Pink Sea. Perhaps a better alternative would be to take some time off from all these broads and go immerse yourself in some pursuits of self-introspection. Go write your Walden, man. Find your Zen.

 

[jophil28]

OK not taking sides but Mr Positive did not make a strawman argument. He referenced your logical basis Azanon. It follows logically the way he presented it.

I agree. DING ! Mr P wins , Azanon comes second.

 

[joekerr31]

There are two types of people in this world. Some accept responsibility while others will justify.

One of the many attributes of HIGH CHARACTER is accepting responsibility for your actions.

95% of the population will perceptually justify their behavior.

Look at your PERCEPTION, and you will see who you are.

agreed.

a MAN accepts responsibility. a woman justifies. there's a lot of men out there who are actually women.

the ONLY thing you will die with, or without, in this life is your self respect.

 

[joekerr31]

I've already addressed all of this; 1. why I don't believe it's cheating and 2. Your straw man. Lets move on.

as long as you lead the other person to think that the relationship is monogomous, it's cheating.

if you don't lead them to believe its exclusive, then its not technically cheating.

its pretty simple.

 

[joekerr31]

Don't feel guilty. Why? Because, in all probability, she'd do it too(if she was with some AFC). Most women aren't true and are ruthless. Very few women are good human beings. I'm not saying your chick would cheat if she were with an AFC or not, I'm just saying, according to statistics, most women would.

and surprise surprise, most women have very little self respect and self confidence.

so if you want to live like a woman, if you want to let women define what is 'right and wrong' in yoru world, then go to it.

good luck with that 'system'

 

[drmeathead]

telling her does no one any good at this point unless rumors begin to swirl about this cheating. if there isnt a logical way for her to find out then she should never know. however he does owe telling her himself first rather than her hearing it from someone else or worse yet walking in on it.

 

[edger]

and surprise surprise, most women have very little self respect and self confidence.

so if you want to live like a woman, if you want to let women define what is 'right and wrong' in yoru world, then go to it.

good luck with that 'system'

No, you're right, cheating is wrong, I'm just pissed(and expressing it) that most women are the way they are. It just sux though when you're in a relationship with a chick, and during that time you have hot women who cross your path that wanna sleep with you, but you decline because you've committed to someone. Then your chick fux you over, and you sit there and say to yourself, "F*ck, I should've tapped that while I had the chance, damn..she was f*cking hot".


But I still don't see how cheating projects insecurity. I don't see the relevance.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Well, if logicallefty comes back and questions why his thread was derailed....we'll just blame the straw man.

This way, none of us can be held accountable..and we can successfully dodge any and all responsibility.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

as long as you lead the other person to think that the relationship is monogomous, it's cheating.

if you don't lead them to believe its exclusive, then its not technically cheating...

That's why I can sleep at night.

 

[joekerr31]

That's why I can sleep at night.

the thing is though its easy to fix jsut about any mistake. you only need 2 things in order to fix a mistake...

1) the courage to be honest
2) the courage to live with the outcome of being honest

while owning up to your mistakes is hard to do, and the outcome may not be what you'd like, one thing i can guarantee.... one will be able to sleep at night.

see, cheating actually hurts the cheater more. because the cheater is actually lying to themselves more than anyone else.

and the lie they are telling themselves is 'im a good person.' (because hey, don't we all think we are good people?)

but when they go and cheat and then don't own up to it, they are living a lie. on the one hand they are telling themselves they are good person, and then on the other they are doing something they would not want someone to do to them.

in order to cope with this, people rationalize. im a good person, i only cheated because [fill in the blank]

but its the cheater who loses the most because its the cheater who loses self respect. and living without self respect ain't no way to live if you ask me.

 

[joekerr31]

btw, thats also why its easier for women to cheat, because women concern themselves less with self respect.

its also why they rationalize away their actions so easily.

but the key to being a mature man is not to become more like women. the key is to pity them for they live in a world of shadows, of make believe, one where there is no self.

and while women may accept this reality, its no way for a MAN to live.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Two things:

1. Own your actions (which the OP has done without realizing how heavy a load it was going to be).
2. Morality (like perceptions) is a personal thing. Once someone attempts to impose their morality upon others the turmoil begins. Morality is like religion, everything is fine until you cross paths with someone who believes something different, instead of respecting their right to their perspectives it becomes a battle about who's right. It's all perception.

 

[logicallefty]

Thanks for all of the replies guys.. I may not be a regular here anymore but damn I love this site.. Always good advice..

To try and answer some of your questions:

We started dating almost immediately after I got dumped back in August, but the exclusive thing is only about a month old. It has been more implied on her part. She introduces me to people as her BF now and makes comments like "you better not be f*****g anybody else". I remain very aloof in those conversations. I feel like I am leading her in the wrong direction simply by not saying anything, I guess..

Between August and now I have slept with 3 women other than her. It's been a really good few months for me. This one last weekend was the first one sense the exclusive chatter started, which is why the guilt.. What made me do it? I had just went out with some friends, and had even pissed the GF off by telling her I was going out with my friends without her.. Met this chick through a mutual friend. Drank, talked, hit it off. Decided that we wern't ready to call it a night when the rest of the crew was. Said she would "stop" at my place for a couple final beers because it was on her way home.. That was that.. I even used the condoms and beer that the GF had just bought and left there 2 nights earlier..

Really, what I really need is to find some way to tell the GF that I don't want to be exclusive, but I still do want to date her. I do not want to end it at all, and I am afraid it's reached the point where it's exclusive or nothing..

 

[Last Man Standing]

She introduces me to people as her BF now and makes comments like "you better not be f*****g anybody else".

She is not your wife!! She is just another one of your hors - don't let hors decide your fate!!!


Morality (like perceptions) is a personal thing. Once someone attempts to impose their morality upon others the turmoil begins. Morality is like religion, everything is fine until you cross paths with someone who believes something different, instead of respecting their right to their perspectives it becomes a battle about who's right. It's all perception.

Francisco, replace the word "morality" with "immorality" - then your sentence makes sense!! Immorality is what causes conflicts!! Morality is the standard!!

No such thing as "perception" - - it only means you don't know reality!!!

 

[joekerr31]

if you haven't stated that you are exclusive then its not technically cheating.

the fact that she doesn't have the balls to say to you 'i want you to commit to us exclusively' and instead tries to assert that through covert communication, is her problem, not yours.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Really, what I really need is to find some way to tell the GF that I don't want to be exclusive, but I still do want to date her. I do not want to end it at all, and I am afraid it's reached the point where it's exclusive or nothing..

Why would you want to date someone when you don't want to be exclusive? It's as if you don't like getting wet yet you want to go swimming.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Immorality is what causes conflicts!! Morality is the standard!!

Whose?