I cheated but she didn't break up with me

[AlexTheGreat]

Hi guys, long time no see on the site! I've been doing my own thing for the past few years and they were going strong; but now I've fallen into a rut. I've been with my girlfriend on and off (mostly on) for the past 2 years, since summer 2010.

Last summer (2011) I went on an exchange program and banged a girl there. Right before leaving, I had broken up with my girlfriend, but we got back together (for what I thought was only sex as I had made it clear that I didn't want to be in a relationship while away). Anyways, I didn't really follow my own advice, and we had webcam-sex and stuff while I was away. At the same time, I did my thing.

I initially broke up with her cuz I was getting annoyed at all the pressure she was putting onto me, but realizing how much I missed her, I contacted her and we spent lots of time together before my departure (making her think we were back together).

Anyways, long story short, after I got back, I was 100% faithful to her; I got my urge to bang other women out. I come back, she was waiting for me, and we go good. Along the way, she indicates to me that I'm not meeting all her needs, but she's still with me.

About 3 weeks ago, during a brain fart of mine, she asked me whether I had already cheated on her, and I confessed. She immediately became angry and started crying (as is normal), but didn't kick me out. We talked about it, I tried to recomfort her, and for a while it went ok. We had amazing sex these past few weeks, even with this. However, she's giving clear signs that she's not that much into me anymore (and that she's using me for sex); but I want to rebuild my relationship with her as I see her as a great potential wife and mom. I know I screwed up with the cheating, and I know I screwed up with my delivery: she asked for details and I gave her some, after which she cried even harder and was more hurt.

The thing is, she hasn't broken up with me, but is saying that she doesn't know whether she loves me or whether she sees a future with me anymore. I keep telling her that I love her (I know, mistake), that I'm not the same guy anymore (which is true) and that we can work this out.... but I fear that without breaking up and restarting, she will not forgive or miss me.

We clearly still have a strong emotional bond between us; but I want to nurture that into rebuilding a new relationship, where the past will be left behind (there's too much baggage right now over things I've done and how I didn't take care of her needs).

We are great together, but I want her to see that.

What is the best step to take from here? I know I need to work on myself, but we are great for each other and I want her to miss me to start rebuilding her attraction towards me.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Um... geez... where do i begin...

I want you to memorize and repeat the following words in your head:

I DID NOT CHEAT ON MY GIRLFRIEND.
I DID NOT CHEAT ON MY GIRLFRIEND.
I DID NOT CHEAT ON MY GIRLFRIEND.

You broke up with her before going on vacation. Meaning, at the time, you were not together with her. Cybersex does not mean you were still dating, it means you were using each other for physical purposes, much in the same way you used the other girl during your trip.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, and therefore had nothing to confess.

However, now that you've framed it as though you DID cheat on her, she will never be able to let it go. It doesn't sound like a brain fart to me, guy - it sounds like a freudian slip that you wanted her to know about subconciously because you don't really want to be with her. The fact that you've broken it off with her before indicates this. You can try to fix it for purposes of your own ego, but girls never forget, and it's only going to make things harder now.

 

[Scars]

NEVER admit to cheating unless she proves solid evidence, then STILL deny.

If you're ever caught or confess, you can expect your girl to cheat on you at anytime. In her eyes, she has a "get out of jail free" card.

Good luck.

-Scars

 

[AlexTheGreat]

Thanks for the replies guys. I'll learn that lesson for next time (even though I won't be cheating again)

We spoke. She called me, and the conversation was pretty cold. At some point, I asked her what had changed between Sunday (when we had amazing sex where she came multiple times) and Monday (when she was very cold). She answered that she "thought things through", at which point I told her I also reflected and that although I love her from the bottom of my heart, I understood that I was the cause of her pain and that for the both of us to heal, we had to put distance between us.

I could hear her crying, telling me some stuff about how "I'll start dating other girls right away", to which I repeated that I love her, and that I don't want to hurt her any more. I told her that I would do anything in my power to restart the relationship on a blank slate, but that at the moment, there are so many negative emotions between us that it wouldn't work out. I repeated that the other girl meant nothing, that I love her and that it's not easy for me to say this, but that it's best. I took full responsibility for what happened, told her how I understood how hurt she was about the relationship and everything that happened.

Then I ended the conversation. She told me she "still likes me and would miss me", which in the back of my mind I am secretly hoping for.

But in the meantime, I am going no contact, for her and for myself.

It feels like I am messing up and screwing up any chances at reconciliation, but at the same time my man-logic dictates that staying and trying to work things out would have had the exact same results, albeit on a much drawn-out time scale. I'm hoping that there remains enough chemistry between us (sexual or mental) that she will miss; enough to reignite a spark in her heart.