I am self-whipped

[FightingApathy]

I know what is wrong with me; I know why I am here and why I have failed as a man.

I am self-whipped; I am my own nagging *****.

Rather than caring about what someone else thinks to the point of paralysis, I care about what I think to the point of paralysis.

I constantly monitor, analyze, and critique my own actions in order to find out what I think and feel about them and about myself.

I follow myself around, constantly judging, "suggesting", and complaining.

I am afraid of how I will react to my changed words and deeds.
I am afraid that I won't like the new me.
I am afraid that I will not respond to the new me.

I cling to myself for fear of losing everything if I leave and try for something better, even if that something better is a whole new me.

What I thought was the piercing eyes of others glaring at me was actually my own mind's eye.

What I thought was me trying to read the minds of others was actually me trying to read my own mind.

What I thought was me trying to predict the words and actions of others was actually me trying to gauge my own opinion of myself.

As Pook and others have said, what I seek is not acceptance and gratification from a woman, but from myself.

I am trapped in AFC-dom, but in this case, the AFC and the ***** he tries to please are the same person - and that person is me.

I need help.

 

[Blurred Elevens]

I don't really know why I'm posting this, guess I just need to share and maybe get some others point of view on what I just did.

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible.

I've known this woman for a while, and she's known that I don't want a relationship, only because my friend has told her that's how I feel. We've been ****ing for a while, and she's obviously very attracted to me. She's been playing games, and has round-a-boutly told me how she doesn't want to be my "ho", and that she doesn't work like that. She then told me tonight that she was going to start "dating" this one guy. She threw it at me out of left field tonight, and I was like, you've told me all this **** that you want to be with me, and now you're playing games. Then I was like, let's resolve this **** right now. She sat on my lap and was kissing and hugging on me, and I told her that she wasn't good enough for me, and that she couldn't "be kind enough" to me for me to be in a relationship with her. I told her that I refused to be abused, and she asked if I wanted her to leave. I said, "yeah", and she left......

What do y'all think of that? I hope it's over with her, the hard part is that she's a really good friends roommate, and I know I'll be seeing her again.....that's what ****ing blows.

 

[Blurred Elevens]

Crazy girl I hope to have kicked to the curb....

I don't really know why I'm posting this, guess I just need to share and maybe get some others point of view on what I just did.

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible.

I've known this woman for a while, and she's known that I don't want a relationship, only because my friend has told her that's how I feel. We've been ****ing for a while, and she's obviously very attracted to me. She's been playing games, and has round-a-boutly told me how she doesn't want to be my "ho", and that she doesn't work like that. She then told me tonight that she was going to start "dating" this one guy. She threw it at me out of left field tonight, and I was like, you've told me all this **** that you want to be with me, and now you're playing games. Then I was like, let's resolve this **** right now. She sat on my lap and was kissing and hugging on me, and I told her that she wasn't good enough for me, and that she couldn't "be kind enough" to me for me to be in a relationship with her. I told her that I refused to be abused, and she asked if I wanted her to leave. I said, "yeah", and she left......

What do y'all think of that? I hope it's over with her, the hard part is that she's a really good friends roommate, and I know I'll be seeing her again.....that's what ****ing blows.

 

[Blurred Elevens]

sorry, i ****ed up and posted my thread here.....twice.....duurrr!