I am losing interest in my girlfriend

[Crissco]

Hey all. Been a while since I have posted here but I have a bit of an "issue" lately I would like opinions on.

Backstory:
I am 38 years old and currently in a long term relationship. I met my current girlfriend a year ago. We started off casually then it transferred over to a relationship. At first we were very hot and heavy. Then we moved in together. Things were / are great overall my issue is the s*x. She is super horny all the time and I am just not giving it to her. She gained some weight over the last year and im not fully attracted to her as I was when we first started dating so I have been denying her a bit. Im not getting into the nitty gritty details but I am just tired lack of attraction and dont feel like having sex most nights anymore. Its a me problem here, I admit that. Shes all over me everyday. Its me pushing her away.

What to do?:
Do I continue to live and stay with her hoping she will lose weight and the attraction will come back? Other than the sex everything is PERFECT pretty much, we connect well. FYI she does like to workout but only does it when motivated, not "determined" like you should be

OR

Do I break up with her and find someone else? Like sais other than the s*x mostly everything is good on the bright side and im happy.

This is a tough one for me fellas.

WWYD and why?

 

[Doctor Europeo]

Other than the sex everything is PERFECT pretty much, we connect well.

I thought it was a lost cause until I got to this part. This is hard to find ime.

Would you be happier alone? Would you be happier on the other side of the coin where only the sex is perfect but everything else is off? Is it possible you are going through a "grass is greener" phase?

Consider tagging BeExcellent. She usually has great perspective on LTRs

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Moving in that quickly is never a good idea as you are now finding out as to why

Is she interested in changing that? Have you discussed that with her? If she went back to looking the way she did when you met would that change things?

How much weight has she gained?

If everything else is perfect, I sense you might have some sort of fantasy realtionship that you have built up in your mind as to what it will be like and when things fall short you start looking for something to take it's place in search of that...but it sounds like you have a relationship based on reality, not fantasy.

I would think long and hard about what's important to you in life before you make a decision based on that being the only thing "bad".

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

Sex is important, and I say this as a guy who has a low sex drive. It doesn't have to be mind blowing or super frequent or whatever, but there needs to be good sexual chemistry and mutual enjoyment.

It's not your fault for losing attraction to her. You can't control who or what you're attracted to - the boner test cannot lie. When you date someone there is an implied contract that both parties will maintain the status quo (their weight, income, stability, whatever).

I had a somewhat similar experience with my last serious GF a few years ago. She was very sweet and kind and I liked her a lot but the sex was awful and I found myself losing attraction to her as a result (among other small reasons). I ended up breaking up with her because I wanted to move to another state and at that point I was already looking for a way out.

I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet but first see if you can help her lose the weight again.

 

[Crissco]

I thought it was a lost cause until I got to this part. This is hard to find ime.

Would you be happier alone? Would you be happier on the other side of the coin where only the sex is perfect but everything else is off? Is it possible you are going through a "grass is greener" phase?

Consider tagging BeExcellent. She usually has great perspective on LTRs

Grass is greener phase, absolutely 100%

 

[Crissco]

Moving in that quickly is never a good idea as you are now finding out as to why

Is she interested in changing that? Have you discussed that with her? If she went back to looking the way she did when you met would that change things?

How much weight has she gained?

If everything else is perfect, I sense you might have some sort of fantasy realtionship that you have built up in your mind as to what it will be like and when things fall short you start looking for something to take it's place in search of that...but it sounds like you have a relationship based on reality, not fantasy.

I would think long and hard about what's important to you in life before you make a decision based on that being the only thing "bad".

Agreed yes, i do build thing up in my head. Generally though i am happy with her and do love her emotionally, we both invested a lot over the period of this year, went through a lot of hardships, deaths, gains..etc so its a lot at once

 

[Crissco]

Sex is important, and I say this as a guy who has a low sex drive. It doesn't have to be mind blowing or super frequent or whatever, but there needs to be good sexual chemistry and mutual enjoyment.

It's not your fault for losing attraction to her. You can't control who or what you're attracted to - the boner test cannot lie. When you date someone there is an implied contract that both parties will maintain the status quo (their weight, income, stability, whatever).

I had a somewhat similar experience with my last serious GF a few years ago. She was very sweet and kind and I liked her a lot but the sex was awful and I found myself losing attraction to her as a result (among other small reasons). I ended up breaking up with her because I wanted to move to another state and at that point I was already looking for a way out.

I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet but first see if you can help her lose the weight again.

Bold. Yes i want to move to Texas to get out of where im at now, im looking for a way out also, but dont have the funds right now so im stuck.

2. My love for fitness goes unmatched, i love it so much. Due to injuries i did gain some weight myself but im still muscular and look good to most people (not me i am critical of myself).

 

[Sega Genesis]

Consider tagging BeExcellent. She usually has great perspective on LTRs

^^I agree with @Doctor Europeo, @BeExcellent has great insight into LTRs; as a woman I have learned a lot from her. So I hope she chimes in!

In the meantime I have a couple of questions and comments.

How much weight has she actually gained?

Does she know how you feel? That you've lost your attraction/desire? Do you have that type of emotional intimacy and communication where you wouid feel comfortable talking about it? Without her losing her shyt over it?

Do other men find her attractive? Is she still physically attractive generally despite the weight gain?

Where I am going with this is might it be possible it's not just about her weight? Could it also be because you've become more like good friends and roommates given it's been a year and you live together?

You also began as friends and sometimes when friends become bf/gf, after the novelty wears off, the relationship loses its sexual luster because the foundation was always just a friendship.

The fact that she is always so thirsty for you is not helping! She is making a big mistake which many women make. Using her sexuality to lure you back in. In talking to men in relationships, it typically does the opposite. They feel pressured and suffocated.

Especially when it becomes obvious what they/you need is a bit of space and distance!

It may in part be because she feels insecure by your withdrawal and seeks sexual intimacy in order to reconnect and bring you back to how you felt in the beginning and for validation.

This may also be why you have lost your desire. She is no longer a challenge. No longer a mystery. She is too available.

It IS possible to maintain a level of mystery, challenge and desire in LTRs.

Esther Perel discusses this in her videos and books. I highly recommend for anyone in a LTR.

Personally I think you moved in together too soon and you've become too comfortable. Boredom has set in which is the kiss of death in many LTRs.

Just my opinion and some things to consider, it's not uncommon in friends turned bf/gf relationships.

Good luck!

 

[Prepostereax]

everything is PERFECT pretty much, we connect well

dang, the only nymphos I know/knew came with cluster-B traits (one certified BPD, the others I didn't stick around long enough to figure out which)

She can't have put on too much weight in only a year?
If it's noticeable, maybe there's stressors like work/family.
If it's a lifestyle change, well, you're living together so you have some impact here (like, don't buy junk food, etc)

she does like to workout but only does it when motivated

She is super horny all the time

So dial your lovemaking into high-intensity conditioning sessions where you're the equipment.

 

[BadBoy89]

Yeah is a common problem for men. With older women, men are happy with everything other than sex. They don’t really want it, older women do.

I had the exact same issue, She was older, divorced, bit overweight and always wanted to have sex and I refused. But I liked her company as well as her cooking and cleaning for me.

I would suggest to keep her, and get a hot 23 year old mistress, preferably from South Korea.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Yeah is a common problem for men. With older women, men are happy with everything other than sex. They don’t really want it, older women do.

I had the exact same issue, She was older, divorced, bit overweight and always wanted to have sex and I refused. But I liked her company as well as her cooking and cleaning for me.

I would suggest to keep her, and get a hot 23 year old mistress, preferably from South Korea.

Not a problem for me...I'm like 7/11 open 24/7 for that.

 

[jhonny9546]

It's the hormones.

The only real question is, if she could lose weight, would you still be attracted?

 

[Clockwerk50]

Depending on your age, bodies won’t stay the same, and neither will your standards, tastes, priorities, or what you find attractive. Long-term relationships require adapting to those changes rather than expecting someone to remain exactly as they were when you first met them.

At the end of the day, if you’re looking at your significant other and the weight is pissing you off, then it’s probably not a great relationship to begin with, you’ve already mentally checked out and are looking for a reason to leave, or the two of you simply value different things in a partner. As an example, some people place a higher value on physical appearance, while others place a higher value on compatibility, companionship, etc.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

You say "hope" she loses weight? Is your frame not strong enough to command her to lose weight? You don't have to be a hard-@ss but u can help her lose weight and become more attractive, for ex: go Christian Grey style and hire her a personal trainer, buy her a new outfit that ur attracted to, etc. If she does not follow your lead then next her but if her personality is right but the weight is an issue, then consider those options maybe...

 

[plumber]

What to do?:
Do I continue to live and stay with her hoping she will lose weight and the attraction will come back? Other than the sex everything is PERFECT pretty much, we connect well. FYI she does like to workout but only does it when motivated, not "determined" like you should be

OR

Do I break up with her and find someone else? Like sais other than the s*x mostly everything is good on the bright side and im happy.

This is a tough one for me fellas.

WWYD and why?

Might not be just you. If she is aggressive with you... it might turn you off where submissive will turn you on... just a thought.

Are you attracted to other women or just not wanting any of it as much... this is a big point to divide the issue. Is it libido in general that is down or just with her....

If its general libido then check hormone levels. Its common for something to slide a little and lower libido yet most everything else is fine. think canary in the mine... this can usually be improved. for example a guy in great health will usually wake with wood....

If its just her... and your excited for others then its a different topic.