I am crushed and I don't know what happened

[samspade]

You are right, I think she got a dude that is esy avalible and willing to commit but of course I'm not sure.

Speculating about the next guy (or other guy if it's cheating) is mental masturbation and narcissistic thinking. It's a waste of time. I've been there. "Oh, she just wanted a pushover," or "she wanted to ride the c0ck carousel" or whatever. This kind of thinking always flows back to you. It supposes that you and the other guy are zero-sum 2-dimensional dudes and that she lacks agency in her decisions. More importantly, it feeds the ego and pushes against personal growth and change. That is, if you weren't serving up what she ordered and he was, you can feel like you weren't the problem or that there's no need to learn and improve after this.

Do your best to bulldoze all thoughts of her, him, and anything else out of your brain, but not before taking stock in how you would handle such situations differently. As an example, in the past for me it's been a reluctance to disappoint people or to be honest about my goals and desires. I'm a more brutally honest person now and it saves a lot of long term discomfort.

NOTE that I'm suggesting you learn and grow, not beat yourself up over what you could have done - the past is the past.

 

[rz11]

Speculating about the next guy (or other guy if it's cheating) is mental masturbation and narcissistic thinking. It's a waste of time. I've been there. "Oh, she just wanted a pushover," or "she wanted to ride the c0ck carousel" or whatever. This kind of thinking always flows back to you. It supposes that you and the other guy are zero-sum 2-dimensional dudes and that she lacks agency in her decisions. More importantly, it feeds the ego and pushes against personal growth and change. That is, if you weren't serving up what she ordered and he was, you can feel like you weren't the problem or that there's no need to learn and improve after this.

Do your best to bulldoze all thoughts of her, him, and anything else out of your brain, but not before taking stock in how you would handle such situations differently. As an example, in the past for me it's been a reluctance to disappoint people or to be honest about my goals and desires. I'm a more brutally honest person now and it saves a lot of long term discomfort.

NOTE that I'm suggesting you learn and grow, not beat yourself up over what you could have done - the past is the past.

I agree with you, however if I have done something right during these years is to take responsibility for what happened in my relationship and use it to improve myself. That is the reason why I was able to turn around a situation that seemed hopeless and get my girl to be back hell over heels in love with me after I had shown insecurity.

Comparing myself with the other guy I think is indeed a waste of time as well as mental masturbation but my idea was not to rationalize about why she is with him and not with me but rather to understand what it could lead a girl to take a similar situation. I say this because the situation with me was very good, something I deduce from her actions and not from what she said. However, I believe that the reason to start dating a former friend who had been in orbit for years (that I do know) has been the call of hypergamy and prioritizing a "Long term mating strategy" over a "Short term mating strategy", something that is a very common behavior and that many of you will have lived more times than me.

Anyway, the main problem I see in all this is what both @Spaz and @Epic Days have reflected about my frame of mind. All my life I have felt the need to seek the approval of others. Getting good grades, being the best in my promotion, being in good shape, saving my relationship, etc. And while many of these actions are positive in themselves, the reason for achieving them was not. It is absolutely important that I put myself as the reference point in my life and realize that I don't have to prove sh*t to women or anyone else as they have taught me all my life. Which doesn't mean avoid opportunities for self improvement.

Thanks @samspade

 

[Epic Days]

Anyway, the main problem I see in all this is what both @Spaz and @Epic Days have reflected about my frame of mind. All my life I have felt the need to seek the approval of others. Getting good grades, being the best in my promotion, being in good shape, saving my relationship, etc. And while many of these actions are positive in themselves, the reason for achieving them was not. It is absolutely important that I put myself as the reference point in my life and realize that I don't have to prove sh*t to women or anyone else as they have taught me all my life. Which doesn't mean avoid opportunities for self improvement.

Thanks @samspade

Here is a good way for you to reframe. I used it substantially at first. Not only is it effective but it’s true.

Even the most feminine male amongst us has abilities and creativity that women can only dream of having. Women struggle their whole lives thinking they are equal but will forever struggle trying to obtain a man’s inherent gift. His creative mind.

 

[Epic Days]

OP- First of all women do not ghost as a test. That's ridiculous. I used to give dating advice TO women on a female dating forum so I would know.

And she did not get over you at the drop of a hat.

The other guy (and possibly more guys) were always in the picture until she finally decided to monkey branch.

It looks "sudden" to you because you believe she wasn't spinning plates and that you were the center of her world. She's the REAL seducer in this game. You were just one of her pawns.

Priceless. Hahaha

 

[rz11]

OP- First of all women do not ghost as a test. That's ridiculous. I used to give dating advice TO women on a female dating forum so I would know.

And she did not get over you at the drop of a hat.

The other guy (and possibly more guys) were always in the picture until she finally decided to monkey branch.

It looks "sudden" to you because you believe she wasn't spinning plates and that you were the center of her world. She's the REAL seducer in this game. You were just one of her pawns.

Could be, if not spinning plates for sure prospecting. If I'm honest all this months of no contact I didn't even blink at the possibility of contacting her, but it is now that I see she's with another dude that I don't like the situation. I think is my ego whats hurting, but I'll take the loss as a man and use the experience to get better.