Hypothetical Q: Marraige IL

[slickaz]

Alright, since this is the MATURE MAN forum, im guessing we can be mature about this and discuss this topic.

I just got back from a friends wedding. 26 and married.

I noticed around me 80 to 90% of the guys brought their gf's along.
Of these id say 50% had live in girlfriends. They have all the signs of romance comedy hollywood movie, the dog, the SUV, the gf, the pink stuff in the house etc.

Here is my questions:
Seeing this got me worried.
One day, i too will get married (like everyone on here i presume) and pre-that i will test the waters by living with the woman i want to marry.

How would you keep the IL of your live in girlfriend high?
How would you keep the IL of your wife high?

I was looking at the groom and i was wondering that to myself, if he wanted to enjoy his married life, they should share a high IL for each other right?

How?
How would he control the pace of relationship?
How would he still show that he is the MAN?
and make sure she knows that his NO means NO?


That has been on my mind alot lately, because the more weddings i go to, i wonder which one of the bridesmaids im going to be taking home that night. But the next day i wonder, i gotta stop waking up next to random women that end up crying because SHE is not waking up to her new husband, or she wishes it was HER wedding the day before.. (Women are such selfish beings)


anyway, please advise.

 

[The Logical Player]

a man who is ready for marriage will not have any questions that need to be answered

just remember that

QUESTIONS = NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO AVOID THE TRUTH

 

[slickaz]

listen...dude..I got nothing against you like them other dudes do...but seriously, you made NO sense in your post.

The heading says HYPOTHETICAL.

as in IF one was in the running for getting married, how to keep her IL up, when you are living with her, during the marriage and in the very long run.

The question was NOT : Im having questions before getting married, why am i having questions. Give me the truth!

so please.answer the question with relevant information.

I Want to know how the DJs, eg, Rollo and the lads here keep their wives and live in girlfriends IL up day in day out.
If its possible?
does it come down to who wears the pants?

I didnt know if i should feel bad for my friends that are getting married or not, hence why.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

This is a good primer.

Read this whole thread first:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=135399

Next read this, starting at post #34 & again at #69:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=115398&page=2

And finish with this (post #3):

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=117072

Chew on these for a while and then tell me what you think the most common underlying principles are and post them here.

 

[496 Alcamino]

Slick,

I'd like to add to what was posted for you here. I've been having trouble posting. So before I do a detailed reply, If this short test post sticks, I'll be back.

496

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Slickas,
Familiarity breeds contempt,if you would have them keep a high interest level,DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THEM.

 

[496 Alcamino]

Slick,

I'm not taking sides, or here to validate, I'm here to say that In this case TLP has a very valid point. Provided I'm interpreting his reasons for this satement to you.

I don't think the "has no questions before marriage" was a wrong comment at all. It was just a super short cliff notes version of what should be said. Kind of a short, raw, truth if you will.

I saw the intent of your post as that at some point in your life you think you would like to be married. That before you do get married you think you would like to live with the woman first.

So the point I see as VERY valid (hypothetical case or not) is that the ONLY time you shold walk down the aisle is when ANY question you had, about marrige to this person, has already been answered to COMPLETE satisfaction.

The answers to those questions are what you seek through dating, a relationship. living together, and so forth. Her actions through out this process are what is going to answer all of your questions about marriage. Especially the biggest questions of all. I she really the right one? Can I spend my life with her?

If you think you might have a woman who qaulifies, I'm might suggest this. Look at it like you gave her a huge blank chalk board and a piece of chalk. As you go through the dating and mating game together, she is going to write her story on that chalk board for you. There is no eraser either. She can't take stuff back.

So how you two relate in good times, bad times, etc. all gets written on that board. Is she loyal?, does she flirt?, has she got a brain? or whatever your list of questions is, qaulifactions, are. Your interaction with her, over time, will answer the big questions.

Lesser women, who do not deserve you, will automatically weed themselves out by their actions. As long as you let them.

If you go AFC, you will NEVER get the true answers to your questions on her behavior or worthiness.

To me the only way for you to get VALID answers to your questions is to be 100% the man you must be. How do you feel best. If you don't want pink stuff in your house, a dog, and the SUV than those should be part of your "non-negotiables". Meaning you must also be MAN enough to walk away if your non-negotiable list is screwed with.

If shes writing stuff she did on that blackboard, that you don't like reading, you need to decide when you are walking away. The moment you do not walk away, you have just gone AFC.

If she appreciates the fact that you have character (which is the true word for a non-negotiable list), and the back bone to live your life by your character, her IL in you will remain high.

To add to that if YOU remain smart, well dressed, articulate, sexy, strong, playful,..................(add in whatever YOU require to be happy).......than her intrest level will NEVER fade. The moment you lose yourself as a man, your relationship and your very manhood are in deep, deep trouble.

IMHO the only women you should ever consider being with was attracted to you because of your character. Meaning the total package of you. Your mind, body, and spirt as a man. Never change your character unless it's for the good. The right woman for you will never lose intrest because of that very thing. You are a true man. Why would you or her want anything less in your lives?

 

[The Logical Player]

when people who still have doubt or questions get married, they get all of their answers when they live a miserable life together, or when they get divorced.

Only the ULTRA-CONFIDENT should get married - that would be the solution to this marriage disaster in the United States.

 

[Sinistar]

One day, i too will get married (like everyone on here i presume) and pre-that i will test the waters by living with the woman i want to marry.

You have a marriage goal-state / mindset. This will be your undoing as you will be marrying simply to be married. Also, testing the waters by living together is foolish. Don't move in together until you are married or are engaged and close to being married. I've tried the live together thing to "test the waters" - doesn't work. You give up everything, she gains everything.

How would you keep the IL of your live in girlfriend high?

Easy, don't move in together. By keeping your own identity you'll keep her IL cranked right up until the day you decide she's good enough to be the mother of your children. If she can manipulate you into moving in together you've just failed one of the biggest tests - she knows she'll be able to get you to cave to just about anything else after that.

How would you keep the IL of your wife high?

Easy - don't change who you are. She'll constantly see/know that you are desirable to other woman yet she'll know you've picked her. She wants to feel that way (contrary to what 99.9% of the rest of the world would have you believe).

How would he control the pace of relationship?
How would he still show that he is the MAN?
and make sure she knows that his NO means NO?

If you have to ask this, it means you still have a ways to go and thus this is not a good time to entertain living together or getting married. As you experience more women (and more life) you'll start to realize what women really are. They are not a threat. They are not to blame. The list goes on. You will eventually realize that you and only you are responsible. You will have to lead. You will have to say no and mean it and stick to it. The woman wants you to be that way. What better way to be sure of that than to test you in every way possible. When you start seeing women differently you will find that it is not as difficult as it sounds because you won't fear them (or fear the 'mystery' of them).

That has been on my mind alot lately, because the more weddings i go to, i wonder which one of the bridesmaids im going to be taking home that night. But the next day i wonder, i gotta stop waking up next to random women that end up crying because SHE is not waking up to her new husband, or she wishes it was HER wedding the day before.. (Women are such selfish beings)

Re-read this - yuck! So you're going to marry one to keep her from crying. As I stated earlier, kill off this married goal state. Kill of this knee-jerk need to make women around you happy. The answer is in your own question. You need to become more selfish! Put yourself and your goals and your friends and family first. The better women out there will find that very reassuring and desirable. They will want to compliment and be a part of that. The will want you to lead and make decisions.

 

[samspade]

Marry a foreign chick.

 

[speed dawg]

when people who still have doubt or questions get married, they get all of their answers when they live a miserable life together, or when they get divorced.

Only the ULTRA-CONFIDENT should get married - that would be the solution to this marriage disaster in the United States.

Great post here.

Player if you framed your posts differently you could be a h3ll of a poster.

 

[slickaz]

You have a marriage goal-state / mindset. This will be your undoing as you will be marrying simply to be married.

Re-read this - yuck! So you're going to marry one to keep her from crying. As I stated earlier, kill off this married goal state.

You need to become more selfish! Put yourself and your goals and your friends and family first. The better women out there will find that very reassuring and desirable. They will want to compliment and be a part of that. The will want you to lead and make decisions.

Hey Sinistar,
i dont think you are getting what i am asking, I am not saying i WANT to get married. Or get married now. or get married ever.

I guess ive been to 5 weddings in the past 2 months, and to see these guys get married at such a young age sort of got me thinking, what would their exit strategy be.

The way i wanted to come across was, today, I can pick up a chic, say NO when i need to, and walk out of her life when i need to. But for him, he's gotten married, technically divorce should not be an option, how would he control his frame if he could NOT walk away. He HAS to fix the drama in the relationship to sleep comfy at night right?
Imagine the number of sh!t tests he would face on a weekly basis?

Just the thought of being in that situation scares me, and worries me.

Today i can call a FB up and have her over for 2 days, send her home on the third. But can you, to a wife?

If you think you might have a woman who qaulifies, I'm might suggest this. Look at it like you gave her a huge blank chalk board and a piece of chalk. As you go through the dating and mating game together, she is going to write her story on that chalk board for you. There is no eraser either. She can't take stuff back.

So how you two relate in good times, bad times, etc. all gets written on that board. Is she loyal?, does she flirt?, has she got a brain? or whatever your list of questions is, qaulifactions, are. Your interaction with her, over time, will answer the big questions.

Lesser women, who do not deserve you, will automatically weed themselves out by their actions. As long as you let them.

BRILLIANT answer bro, I think you got exactly what i was asking and answered well. This is an analogy i would like to use even in my possible future LTRs.

Thats not to say i WANT an LTR, what im saying is HYPOTHETICALLY if i was to ever get into one, I will use the clean slate n chalk analogy to rate the compatibility.

Rollo - I will read all of those to get a better picture and then post back. Thanks for that.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

how would he control his frame if he could NOT walk away.

He who believes in his/her reality the most controls the frame. You must ALWAYS believe in your High value REGARDLESS of the existence of the other person. you must always BELIEVE that any interaction is more beneficial to them than it is to you, and it is only on your terms. And you must demonstrate that you BELIEVE this more than they believe the contrary. You must shape you reality so strongly that others see it is the obvious choice for their reality.

Anyone that walks the earth with this kind of self belief and frame control will likely become a cult leader, a founder of a religion, or a U.S. president, as it ain't easy.

They way you've posed your question though, with examples you've given is like asking how you can eat chocolate ice cream all day long and not get fat.

Getting married at such a young age is a clear demonstration of FRAME SURRENDER.

In order to control the frame AFTER marriage, you must have set it early on, like before you've communicated verbally.

Having such a strong frame, and living together, getting married BEFORE thirty are mutually exclusive.

 

[samspade]

But for him, he's gotten married, technically divorce should not be an option, how would he control his frame if he could NOT walk away. He HAS to fix the drama in the relationship to sleep comfy at night right?

Just because one is married does not mean the option to walk away is absent. It must ALWAYS be there, or the man is entering into marriage with a busted frame, shall we say.

Yes, in a marriage, this is more difficult. It's the nuclear option. But it's there. The real AFCs are the ones who feel they need to "fix the drama" when the drama is grounds for dismissal. "She cheated and I'm upset, but I think with some therapy we can work on this..." You've seen/read about it a million times.

Yes, when there are arguments and unfortunate episodes, they need to be worked through. This is why if you DO marry, you find someone playing for your team, to borrow from Rollo. America and Canada have their differences, they bicker sometimes, but they play for the same team. America and Iran do not - they are adversaries with fundamental differences that cause friction when they rub up against each other. Not to get political, it's just an analogy.

In fact, I believe a married man who is always ready to walk away probably endures far fewer sh!t tests than a man with the mentality that he's stuck in marriage with no escape valve.

 

[Tazman]

Can't stress the finances enough. For the love of god, please think about your finances (prenup) before you even think about any of this. I'm pretty sure you heard the latest news about some of these (male) celebrities who are losing MASSIVE chunks of the wealth they built through their own blood, sweat and tears. Money is what's really going to break you, and/or children if they're involved.

 

[Hemingway]

Be a challenge

Chew on these for a while and then tell me what you think the most common underlying principles are and post them here.

The underlying principle is "be a challenge," but it is difficult to know how that translates without specific examples. Your last referenced post (#3) comes closest to the kind of advice I need in this way. For example, the garbage. Very practical advice.

Most of the anti-AFC advice is difficult to apply in a LTR. Like "wait two weeks to call a woman after she gets flaky on you" just won't work if you live with her. I find that kind of advice difficult to apply.

Here's one: "the next time she gives you an order, you can say something like: 'Yes, sir Master Drill Sergeant, sir!' Get right in her face, snap to attention and salute her. (Make a mockery of the situation.) Then follow her instructions. Next, go back to her and say, 'Task completed Master Drill Sergeant, sir, Private Franko awaiting further orders, sir.' That will get your message across." It will also earn the silent treatment.

Rollo, you talk quite a bit about Shyt Tests but the thing I need to continuously remember is, most tests can be dealt with just by ignoring them. I do not have to take every communication seriously and respond to it. The same tool can be applied when she is getting overly dramatic with me. But women are emotional and they will tend to get in your face if you ignore them for too long.

Sometimes I make mistakes when I don't know how far to take it. She is asking something of me, and I keep remembering not to be too predictable or malleable, but I act like a jerk instead of a confident gentleman. In an effort to not be boring and bring new drama to her life, she wonders what planet I just got back from. Not the result I was seeking.

The thing I am doing most differently from when I was a married AFC, is to take a stand and say the word "no" when it's appropriate. But I'd like to try to apply other DJ principles, and they are hard to distill.