Humor help, oneitis

[CleverBastard]

Maybe we should start with the rules I'm breaking.

I have oneitis.
Going to break two strikes.

A little about me: Self described nerd, surprised at how often this angle works.

Story:
So six months ago I was tutoring this girl. (You'd be surprised at the amount of attractive women who need tutoring). She finished with the class and I didn't do anything to attract her (in an LTR at the time). Since then I've found out significantly more about her. These revelations made me significantly more attracted to her.

Since I discovered this forum (5 years ago) and got a grasp on the general idea I haven't had any women trouble. Sure, I'd get rejected but, what are you really looking for.

Before you read on I should add that I never had any reason to believe that this girl is interested in me, she's not, but I know I can get there if I can get a little face to face.

So I still have this girls number and I call her and leave her a straightforward message about getting lunch with a little humor.

No response. So 3 days later I happen to be up in her area of town (she lives like 30-45 minutes away, but I happen to be moving up there). I give her a call, leave some generic message to get lunch right now, no call within the hour.

The standard response here of course is to let it go, find someone else etc. I'm not this easily distracted, if this weren't an exceptional case I wouldn't consider firing a third. Frankly, I'd be happy with a "not interested". The trick is that this is an especially shy girl. She is also extraordinarily nervous about meeting people. Any thoughts about shy girls in general? I find "don't bust on them" to be really useful. Also she's foreign in some kind of way, some humor doesn't always seem to translate.

So I have her email address. The theory is if I can write some sort of humorous non-clingy email, I can get a dialogue started, then I'm pretty sure I'm good from there. The goal here is not necessarily to create attraction but to get her out of her shell. I'm fairly certain I've got the attraction bit handled from there. So I'd like a little proofreading of the email to make sure its not insane or creepy or wimpy. The things I find funny you often have to do a great deal of work to puzzle out the joke and I'm not entirely sure if someone reading it will get it. So if anyone is interested in helping, reply here and I'll pm you my proposed email.

I know I don't want to chase, but this is taking place in a vacuum. I have no risk here. The only point of me figuring this out would be to get this girl.

tl;dr: AFC has oneitis. Needs humor help.

 

[Chickfight]

Maybe we should start with the rules I'm breaking.

I have oneitis.
Going to break two strikes.

A little about me: Self described nerd, surprised at how often this angle works.

Story:
So six months ago I was tutoring this girl. (You'd be surprised at the amount of attractive women who need tutoring). She finished with the class and I didn't do anything to attract her (in an LTR at the time). Since then I've found out significantly more about her. These revelations made me significantly more attracted to her.

Since I discovered this forum (5 years ago) and got a grasp on the general idea I haven't had any women trouble. Sure, I'd get rejected but, what are you really looking for.

Before you read on I should add that I never had any reason to believe that this girl is interested in me, she's not, but I know I can get there if I can get a little face to face.

So I still have this girls number and I call her and leave her a straightforward message about getting lunch with a little humor.

No response. So 3 days later I happen to be up in her area of town (she lives like 30-45 minutes away, but I happen to be moving up there). I give her a call, leave some generic message to get lunch right now, no call within the hour.

The standard response here of course is to let it go, find someone else etc. I'm not this easily distracted, if this weren't an exceptional case I wouldn't consider firing a third. Frankly, I'd be happy with a "not interested". The trick is that this is an especially shy girl. She is also extraordinarily nervous about meeting people. Any thoughts about shy girls in general? I find "don't bust on them" to be really useful. Also she's foreign in some kind of way, some humor doesn't always seem to translate.

So I have her email address. The theory is if I can write some sort of humorous non-clingy email, I can get a dialogue started, then I'm pretty sure I'm good from there. The goal here is not necessarily to create attraction but to get her out of her shell. I'm fairly certain I've got the attraction bit handled from there. So I'd like a little proofreading of the email to make sure its not insane or creepy or wimpy. The things I find funny you often have to do a great deal of work to puzzle out the joke and I'm not entirely sure if someone reading it will get it. So if anyone is interested in helping, reply here and I'll pm you my proposed email.

I know I don't want to chase, but this is taking place in a vacuum. I have no risk here. The only point of me figuring this out would be to get this girl.

tl;dr: AFC has oneitis. Needs humor help.

A few things. First off, what kind of revelations did you have? Does her pvssy fart out Xbox'es or something? What makes her so special? because if you've been on this forum at all you'll realize that every guy who is afc for a girl he actually doesn't know that well thinks she's special.

You know you can get there if you have some face to face time? So what about all that face to face time you spent tutoring her? I mean sure she had a boyfriend, but you could have atleast planted some seeds and behaved in a way that she would find you sexually attractive. You have to understand that when a girl places you in that platonic zone, she basically see's you as a girl. You don't have a d!ck and balls to her. That's why it's so hard to attract a girl after this, because she'll be wondering "why is this d!ckless bastard hitting on me?" You don't treat shy girls any differently from normal girls, you just get license to initiate more and be more persistent.

It appears she doesn't even want you as a friend, since she rejected your lunch offer which isn't exactly the most sexually aggressive move.

Another thing, voice mail?? I don't know what it is about monologue's that afc guys like so much, but anything other than a "hey, call me back" is a nono is my book. You definitely don't try to be cute and funny while asking her out on one when you have no romantic connection whatsoever. Just call once and maybe again in a couple of days and if she still doesn't reply shoot her a "Are you secretly the princess of (wherever she's from) or something? it's impossible to get a hold of you."

Now you want to send her a long ass email? It doesn't matter what it's contents are, the act itself comes off as needy.

You're trying to make something out of nothing. You don't have much to work with. Not saying it's impossible, but it sure as hell won't be achieved with voice mails and emails. What you need to do is a ballsy move to make her completely change her impression of you. Go for broke and I don't mean some pvssy ass declaration of love. I mean send her a text charged with sexuality. Show up on her doorstep and ask her out. Sure, you'll most likely get shot down like Osama bin laden, but believe me it has a higher chance of getting her than playing it safe and at least you won't be wasting any more time with it since you'll get a clear answer.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

I mean send her a text charged with sexuality. Show up on her doorstep and ask her out. Sure, you'll most likely get shot down like Osama bin laden, but believe me it has a higher chance of getting her than playing it safe and at least you won't be wasting any more time with it since you'll get a clear answer.

I appreciate where you're trying to come from, but with guys like the original poster, I hate giving them a sliver of hope in situations where there is no hope. Because they'll hold onto this silly dream for as long as they can.

The girl showed no interest from the start. Then he called her and got no response. Then he called again - got no response. Now he's talking about emailing. She's not interested. Sending her an email is desperate. Showing up on her doorstep is downright creepy.

This is just a waste of energy. No girl is special enough to be worthy of all this effort. Well, at least no girl that you haven't banged. Maybe if it's a good girlfriend, and you cheated on her, and now you wanna win her back...okay, call, email, send flowers...

This is just one girl who showed ZERO interest. Learn to walk away.

 

[Chickfight]

I appreciate where you're trying to come from, but with guys like the original poster, I hate giving them a sliver of hope in situations where there is no hope. Because they'll hold onto this silly dream for as long as they can.

The girl showed no interest from the start. Then he called her and got no response. Then he called again - got no response. Now he's talking about emailing. She's not interested. Sending her an email is desperate. Showing up on her doorstep is downright creepy.

This is just a waste of energy. No girl is special enough to be worthy of all this effort. Well, at least no girl that you haven't banged. Maybe if it's a good girlfriend, and you cheated on her, and now you wanna win her back...okay, call, email, send flowers...

This is just one girl who showed ZERO interest. Learn to walk away.

Yeah, but I believe in them learning the hard way, which he will eventually anyway, but he'll waste a lot less time this way Some guys obsess over a girl for years before they finally man up enough to get horribly rejected.

I agree that showing up at her doorstep will have the potential to be disastrous as hell, but a few guys can pull it off. Unfortunately most the guys who could, would never bother with pursuing such a lost cause. He's obviously not just going to give up, so may as well give him a game plan.

 

[CleverBastard]

A few things. First off, what kind of revelations did you have? Does her pvssy fart out Xbox'es or something? What makes her so special? because if you've been on this forum at all you'll realize that every guy who is afc for a girl he actually doesn't know that well thinks she's special.

It actually farts wii's, but I think that is kind of beside the point.

No I mean I get it. There isn't a way for you to distinguish this situation from every other one that's basically exactly the same. Things that might distinguish it are: 1) I have other plates spinning. 2) I'm not terrified of the thought of being rejected.

You know you can get there if you have some face to face time? So what about all that face to face time you spent tutoring her? I mean sure she had a boyfriend, but you could have atleast planted some seeds and behaved in a way that she would find you sexually attractive.

This is all obviously true, and trust me if I could go back and change my behaviour I would. Also it was me in the LTR not her. (Not to my knowledge anyway). I'll be honest there was a bit of don't sh1t where you eat running through my head.

You have to understand that when a girl places you in that platonic zone, she basically see's you as a girl. You don't have a d!ck and balls to her. That's why it's so hard to attract a girl after this, because she'll be wondering "why is this d!ckless bastard hitting on me?" You don't treat shy girls any differently from normal girls, you just get license to initiate more and be more persistent.

That is totally exactly what she's thinking! :crackup:

Like you said though, I feel like I have license to be more persistent here which is why I think not throwing in the towel yet may be appropriate.

It appears she doesn't even want you as a friend, since she rejected your lunch offer which isn't exactly the most sexually aggressive move.

On the upside I won't have to pull myself out of the friendzone. Lunch is all I really have time for with this girl right now. Do you have a theory about any more sexually aggressive mid-afternoon moves?

Another thing, voice mail?? I don't know what it is about monologue's that afc guys like so much, but anything other than a "hey, call me back" is a nono is my book. You definitely don't try to be cute and funny while asking her out on one when you have no romantic connection whatsoever.

I should say this wasn't a monologue. Maybe two sentences. Funny when asking her out is bad? Sh1t I've been doing this all wrong.

Just call once and maybe again in a couple of days and if she still doesn't reply shoot her a "Are you secretly the princess of (wherever she's from) or something? it's impossible to get a hold of you."

So third call? Why not do the same with an email. I have a slight suspicion that she just might be out of country.

Now you want to send her a long ass email? It doesn't matter what it's contents are, the act itself comes off as needy.

This is probably true.

You're trying to make something out of nothing. You don't have much to work with. Not saying it's impossible, but it sure as hell won't be achieved with voice mails and emails. What you need to do is a ballsy move to make her completely change her impression of you. Go for broke and I don't mean some pvssy ass declaration of love. I mean send her a text charged with sexuality. Show up on her doorstep and ask her out. Sure, you'll most likely get shot down like Osama bin laden, but believe me it has a higher chance of getting her than playing it safe and at least you won't be wasting any more time with it since you'll get a clear answer.

These are insane ideas. I love them. I'm totally on board with the theory. The problems as I see them are. If I send a sexually charged text message I'm far more likely to get no response from this girl than a negative one. I also can't show up at her doorstep because I haven't the faintest idea where she lives. Nor do I have a non-desperate reason for being there.


It is perhaps necessary for me to add here, I can walk away from this. What I don't want is regret. I'm stubborn and unless I get a clear answer I will undoubtedly concoct any number of scenarios in which doing nothing has botched it. Rejection >> regret. I don't really understand what the downside is here. We're going what? From her thinking I'm d1ckless to desperate. That's really gonna keep me up at night. If I get a "Stop calling me" or a "Not interested" or a "WTF." I will sleep soundly.

 

[CleverBastard]

I appreciate where you're trying to come from, but with guys like the original poster, I hate giving them a sliver of hope in situations where there is no hope. Because they'll hold onto this silly dream for as long as they can.

The girl showed no interest from the start. Then he called her and got no response. Then he called again - got no response. Now he's talking about emailing. She's not interested. Sending her an email is desperate. Showing up on her doorstep is downright creepy.

This is just a waste of energy. No girl is special enough to be worthy of all this effort. Well, at least no girl that you haven't banged. Maybe if it's a good girlfriend, and you cheated on her, and now you wanna win her back...okay, call, email, send flowers...

This is just one girl who showed ZERO interest. Learn to walk away.

Jeez. How much effort do you think I've wasted here. The most time consuming thing I've done is post here, and that is of benefit whether I get this girl or not.

 

[CleverBastard]

Yeah, but I believe in them learning the hard way, which he will eventually anyway, but he'll waste a lot less time this way Some guys obsess over a girl for years before they finally man up enough to get horribly rejected.

I agree that showing up at her doorstep will have the potential to be disastrous as hell, but a few guys can pull it off. Unfortunately most the guys who could, would never bother with pursuing such a lost cause. He's obviously not just going to give up, so may as well give him a game plan.

I really appreciate it. I also promise not to obsess over this girl for more than 3 weeks. This does not dominate my life. The kick in the pants about this girl I definitely needed, many fish in the sea. I know. This is just an unlikely combination of qualities.
I'm a scientist first and my revelation came when I was reading the most interesting microbiology paper in a long as time, felt like I recognized the writing style, and lo and behold she's one of the coauthors. I then found out from some googling that she shares a large number of my hobbies. Is this more common than I think it is? I mean I don't believe in the one, but I do believe in the statistically significant.

 

[CleverBastard]

Anybody want to help me out and tell me how lame this email is?

 

[CleverBastard]

Hey,

So I'm not sure whether I've got the wrong number or I'm making you terribly uncomfortable. To account for these two possibilities we have the advent of the non-linear email. Perhaps you've played these book-based adventure games in the past. Perhaps you haven't. Luckily this is simple. If you haven't received a message from me please scroll down to the paragraph marked "[clever]'s been calling strangers X-D", if you have received a message from me but found it strange and are simply hoping I not call you again please scroll down to the paragraph marked "man, this guy 's weird." As I'm a big believe in options if you've received this email in error please go to the paragraph labeled "Who are you and why are you emailing me"

[Clever]'s been calling strangers X-D:
I have several jobs up near [some places] for the months of May and June. I was wondering if you were about, as I'd like to eat out with you. (Dyslexics and Masters of Double Entendre' may find this sentence highly offensive. My apologies if you have dyslexia. If you are a Master of Double Entendre' its your own damn fault.) (Sticklers for language will find that I have too many words to properly befuddle dyslexics and M.o.D.E.s, consider "with" a bonus word. Your prize in these trying times. Now you will be able to concate additional ingredients onto your food. Your Royale Burgers shall have cheese!) I'm not terribly aware what sort of real food they have up there. Though if you are a fan of ethiopian food I know of a couple places. If this interests you please go to the end marked "Thanks,\n[C. Bastard]". If this has made you uncomfortable please go to the paragraph marked "Man, this guy's weird". If you have reached this message in error, please contact your webmail administrator.


Man, this guy's weird:
Frankly even if you didn't skip straight here you likely ended up at this paragraph, because indeed [clever] is weird up in here. If you'd like me to stop inviting you to lunch let me know. I don't usually bite and I'm hardly ever bitter. I've attached a form letter that you can copy and paste:

Dear [clever],

WTF.

Thanks,
A. [Misspelling of name #1]

The important things to note in this letter are its simultaneous cordiality and simplicity of form. You may use ellipses, question marks, and exclamation points to taste, but they are perhaps unnecessary. Where the above letter has cruel beauty the below example seems cold and offputting by comparison:

Dear [clever],

...WTF!

Thanks,
A. [Second misspelling of last name]

Sets of ellipses are much like pairs of glasses, one pair makes you look clever, several make you look crazy. Also the combination of the exclamation with the pause leads to some strange possible pronunciations, especially with the letters in all caps. Shouts and pauses are silly, and no one wants to sound silly. Using a question mark might be preferable:

Dear [clever],

...wtf?

Thanks,
A [Third misspelling of last name]

This is however especially confusing to those careful with their words. As "...wtf?" in this context most clearly stands for where 's the flan? While I know that many Ethiopian restaurants may not sell flan, I've got to say that it isn't the most important (though it is perhaps a highly imported) dish in the world and your obsession with it will likely be your downfall. If however you'd like to be invited to lunch, don't let your shyness get the best of you, stop eating the flan and come join me for lunch. Assuming you're in the area, because, if I may be frank, anywhere else is kind of a trek.


Who are you and why are you emailing me?:
I dunno. Awkward. [This links to an awkward youtube video]


Thanks,
[C. Bastard]

[This is all small text]
[Clever Bastard] is a [something somewhere]. He spends his spare time tutoring and making people uncomfortable. To find out more about [Clever Bastard] visit his wikipedia page [Link to random comic]
If you have any questions or comments please contact: XXX-XXX-XXXX or our corporate office at: [Phone number of Carl's Jr.].

To unsubscribe from this email list please send us an email with the subject "unsubscribe" and the body text "You Bastard\nError Code: 8311".

For comments on the odd grammatical rules used in this email please contact: 1-800-GRAMMAR.

Small text is often used to add unnecessary volumes to email regarding legal restraints. It is no different in this case. Our EULA states that by reading this email you have used up about 15 minutes of your time. [Clever] assumes no legal or criminal liability for this use of time.

This email may contain confidential information and is private, as such please forward it to your five closest friends (or your five closeted friends, literally or figuratively) (Addendum: Literally closeted friends may have trouble checking email).

User Testimonial:

"Definitely forward this email, if you don't small children will weep at your embarrassment." --Andrew Jackson

"I knew a dude who didn't forward this email, one day later his boyfriend broke up with him !!1!" -- Frmr. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi

"If you buy these E-Stamps for each time you forward an email, and get your friends to buy them from you. You'll quickly become a millionaire" -- Charles Ponzi

"[Clever]? [Censored] [Clever]!" -- A kind suggestion offered by Mother's Against Drunk Driving

For an uncensored version of this email, please confirm you are over 18 by continuing to read. Please insert the first profanity that comes to mind in place of the censored words. (Hey! Its the only version of mad-libs that was ever played by teenagers)

For a sexy version of this email add the words "If you know what I mean" to every third sentence, paragraph titles ending with colons count as sentences.




tl;dr -> facepalm.

 

[Iceberg]

Whoa.

I've had some very lovely girlfriends over the years... And none of them are worth effort applied to the novel you just wrote to a chick you've never touched.

Even if the girl were interested...which she isn't...could you imagine all the pressure this email puts on her? It's one thing to go on a friendly hang-out with a person. Hey...maybe something romantic happens, maybe it doesn't... But this stuff just reeks of weird obsession. From the second you meet up with someone with this level of desperation, you'd just feel like they were waiting to slip a wedding ring on your finger.


"Hey. Didn't know if you got my message, or if I'm writing a total stranger...but I was thinking we should grab lunch soon. I'll be in your town for (blah blah), and I'd love to catch up."

That's all you'd need to say. Not this final thesis paper that you wrote. Good god.

 

[CleverBastard]

Really...I banged it out in all of about 12 minutes.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

Just out of curiosity....what reaction are you envisioning this woman having to this email?

She's going to read that and say "This is a guy I want to have a drink with." ??

 

[BadNews]

You're really going off the deep end aren't you? You have NO relationship with this girl...I guarantee you this will scare her away. ITS INSANE! There is WAYYYY too much pressure. Things should be lite/fun/easy going...not THIS (whatever it is). Either, figure something out that is a little more casual...OR, come to terms with the fact that she's ignored you twice now and move on.

just my 2 cents

 

[scammbone]

That novel you typed is stressful as fvck. Please don't send that to her.

And btw, that (your email) is what is meant by putting in way too much effort. What has this girl done to deserve you fawning over her. If shes not DTF, or hasn't shown you the slightest bit of flirty inclination to demonstrate that she is interested...MOVE ON! Constantly trying to contact her makes you seem desperate, which is never attractive.

 

[Chickfight]

Good, now find out where she lives, break in and start setting up clues for her to follow leading up to you, completely nude in her bathtub.

 

[joverby]

I'm really confused by that email, this makes me feel a little better about my crazy obsessed episode I had lately with my GF.

 

[CleverBastard]

Good, now find out where she lives, break in and start setting up clues for her to follow leading up to you, completely nude in her bathtub.

Well I tried this, you bastvrd. Didn't go nearly as well as you implied it would. Turns out she has a gay brother. I should have made my clues more gender specific or at least less sexual. Here I am sitting alone naked in a bathtub, and THAT happens...


Kidding aside, I clearly don't get this. This doesn't read despwerate or clingy to me at all. Apparantly it is. Could I get some details, other than that its too long?
Example: When you make the double entendre joke its just fvckin creepy.

I honestly found this funny, but maybe it was the troll humor of it,the meta humor rather than the email itself. Again I don't mind crashing and burning here. I don't want to be anassh0le though. Where is the pressure coming from specifically? A great deal of the email isn't meant to be read but appear to be a signature its all in small font, looks like the legalese you get in every spam mail you've ever gotten.

I know I've gone off the deep end but it isn't this girl, Isve been living out here.

 

[Audiophile]

tl;dr -> facepalm.

Goddamn. I can't believe I just read that, and I can't believe someone actually wrote it with the intention of sending it to a woman he fancies.

Clever, WTF MAN.

This doesn't read desperate or clingy to me either, it just reads "fvcking weirdo". You are coming off as a huge dork due to the way you actually compose the message, as well as the length. It's as if you are trying way to hard to elicit a laugh, which you may actually get (at the strangeness of this letter). I laughed due to it being, as you said "troll humour", but this isn't something you should ever consider sending to a romantic interest.

Please listen to the advice you've been given. This girl clearly has no interest in responding to you, because if she did, she would DAMN SURE find a way to contact you.

 

[Iceberg]

Kidding aside, I clearly don't get this. This doesn't read despwerate or clingy to me at all. Apparantly it is. Could I get some details, other than that its too long?
Example: When you make the double entendre joke its just fvckin creepy.

I spent 10 minutes writing a long response to you, and then I deleted it all.

Because I realize that if you've been visiting this site for the past 5 years, and you don't realize how writing a 5-paragraph essay to a woman is desperate or clingy, then you're not as much of an intellectual as you think you are.

It's one thing to leave a voice mail or two. It's a new level of weirdness to send this email.

And like i said, if you don't understand that, then you just dont get it.

 

[BadNews]

Kidding aside, I clearly don't get this. This doesn't read despwerate or clingy to me at all. Apparantly it is. Could I get some details, other than that its too long?

The details about why its needy/clingy? ITS COMING ON WAY TOO STRONG DUDE! You hardly know this woman. Tutoring her for a semester (read: a couple hours per week maybe?) hardly constitutes the basis for any sort of relationship, ESPECIALLY given the way you described your interactions during those study sessions.

She doesn't know you, you don't know her. This is TOO much in her face at once. You WILL scare her away. You'd be better off sending an email reading:

"Hey, I tried to call ya a couple times but not sure if I have the right number or not haha! We should get together for dinner sometime next week! Lemme know!"

Bam, simple...to the point...NOT a whole lot of pressure. She doesn't want to read a goddamn book (and even though she isn't supposed to read the whole thing, she eventually WILL read the whole thing). She doesn't want to have 101 choices to make. She doesn't want to feel like "wow, this guy put a TON of effort into this crazy email."

I see the humor in it, I really do...but she won't; she would have to be a VERY strange girl to find this humorous rather than creepy. There is just too much effort put into it, and it's not casual whatsoever. Too much effort when you have NO relationship with this girl = AFC and just a little weird.