How would you have handled this?

[The Duke]

Last night I was helping my ltr with some paint work at her rental house. Her son is helping us as well. She is short on funds, can't really pay the mortgage if she is not taking in rent, and she is not much of a painter. Basically there is a ton of work to do in a short amount of time.

She gets mad at her son because he had the whole day off and didn't do any of the work he said he would do. She tells her son to get his stuff and leave.

After a few minutes the son comes to me and asks what he could work on. So I put him to work. I've spent the last 5 days painting which has consumed all of my free time. I've done 80pct of the work entirely myself. Hell yeah I'm going to take all the help I can get. Getting this kid motivated is always challenging and now he was asking what he could do.

Basically now she is pi$$ed at me because I told him he could work after she told him to leave. I just wanted to keep peace and thought she was over reacting.

Truth be known she is probably pissed at herself because she couldn't keep her cool and get what she wanted out of her son and I was able to.

I understand that I may have undermined her parental authority, but I don't think I did anything wrong. The moral of the story is the work needs to get done and everybody needs to get along. I made that happen.

I did what I thought was right. Its like she was on a power trip fueled by anger and she wanted to tell her son off so she could feel like she had control and it didn't work out that way.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm with the right chic.......I wasn't raised to function like this. My family always discussed things in a rational and respectful manner. Hardly ever any drama.

 

[5string]

I assume you are not the father. Sh!t like this is why I always advise not to get with a single mommy and I speak from experience. You ask if she's the right chick.

I doubt it brother.

 

[Aristippus]

Women getting pi$$ed for no good reason is nothing new. Any time you're in a long-term relationship, conflicts and disagreements will come up. As long as you're getting more good than bad out of the relationship, this is probably just the occasional disagreement that is part of being in a relationship.

I can't judge the entire relationship based on one situation. I'm just saying that this could just be a little hiccup in the relationship and not a huge ordeal, IF you're satisfied with the relationship overall.

You could always tell her what someone said in an earlier reply. "If you feel like you need to discipline your son, then go ahead. Kids need to be disciplined. But that doesn't change the fact that I need a hand at the house. So I'm going to let him help me out.".

A lot of women use nagging and annoying behavior when they ask their family to do things. So they get extra resistance. Then you come along and ask her kid to do something, and you're normal or friendly when you request something and you get no resistance because you're not nagging the person to do it.

There's usually a lot less resistance when you're not nagging the person to death. Nagging usually adds resistance where there is none. Even if he was avoiding the chore, the nagging only amplifies the resistance that's already there. Anyway, I think just being firm but calm with her, and using undeniable logic, and being more persistent and more stubborn than she is will give you control back.

Women really are like children. They have to be led. You can give them a measure of freedom but under NO circumstances are they to lead the relationship. They are no more fitted to lead than children (when it comes to relationships, unless you're just a complete screw-up). They do ok when it comes to being managers in the workforce.

I think one reason they're not fitted to lead at home relates to contextual conditioning. They've been conditioned to have unrealistic expectations in relationships and think that you're supposed to cater to their every whim. This creates the spoiled brat syndrome. One other possibility is that they wouldn't be fit to lead even at work, if it weren't for the fact that in the workplace there are rules and they won't tolerate that sh*t there. Her a$$ would be fired if she tried the sh*t on the owner that she would try on her man or husband.

There's probably also some contextual conditioning as far as the workplace goes. She's been conditioned through the rules and expectations set up at work, to behave a certain way. Since her behavioral expectations are different at work, she behaves differently. And since the consequences are there, it reinforces the desired behavior.

The general rule in any setting is..... DON'T REINFORCE BAD BEHAVIOR! In the dating realm this seems to be the opposite of what most guys do. They reward bad behavior, therefore reinforcing it. If they simply ignore the bad behavior and it persists, then the behavior is self-reinforcing, meaning that with lack of reward or punishment the behavior by itself will continue.

At that point you either punish the behavior or you could reinforce a different behavior and the bad behavior might simply go away. Basically you're ignoring the old and rewarding a totally different behavior and the old behavior might no longer serve a purpose. Then there's the double-edged sword of rewarding the desired behavior and punishing the bad behavior.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I was helping my ltr with some paint work

For free, right? And she has the nerve to complain about the manner in which her unpaid labor gets done? If she was so poor that she needed charity, she wouldn't have investment property. She's taking advantage of you, and she still finds something to b!tch about.

 

[Aristippus]

Belt quoted a line from you. "I was helping my ltr with some paint work."

This reminds me of something I told a friend of mine. I said that women LOVE to use that word "help". You're not "helping" them. You're doing things for them. The word "help" implies that that person is doing the task and you're there assisting her. Ummmmm. I don't think so.

If I'm doing all the work and you know absolutely NOTHING about what it is I'm doing, and without me it wouldn't get done, I'm NOT "helping you". I'm doing it for you. I'd suggest getting out of the habit of using the word "help" when it comes to doing things for women.

I think it downplays the value of what you're actually doing for her and subconsciously gives the woman more credit than she deserves. Bottom line. You DOING it for her. You're not "helping" her. SHE'S not the expert and you just some little "helper" handing her the tools while she gets it done. Men lead and get things done. They don't "help".

 

[Alvafe]

I agree with belt and aristippus, you are not helpng you are doing all work alone, if she was there she would see her kid there helping, not let you work alone, if she nags again just tell her, then you do all work alone and leaves, if the work is all done, ask her so how much she will pay for your work.

 

[The Duke]

I just got off the phone with her and told her exactly what Danger said
("Do 80 percent of the work like I have and then tell me you would have denied his help when he offered it. Until then, fix your issue with your son instead of taking it out on me.")

She didn't like it and tried to reinvent the "issue" as something else every time I put her in the corner.

I told her the problem with single mommies and a guy can't ever win.

I thought I'd settle down and try and make it work one last time. I just get tired of the constant struggle. They whine and ***** when they don't get what they want. Rarely content.

 

[scrouds]

If for some reason I was involved in a LTR with a SINGLE MOMMIE,
And for some odd reason I'm painting her rental house
And I wasn't getting paid
And I wasn't getting a piece of the rent
And I was doing 80% of the work

I would have simply said "oh well"

If she pushed the issue I would probably leave.

 

[Aristippus]

There's nothing wrong with being the "man of the house" and handling things the man would handle(even if you're not living together). Men are stronger than women and in general, men are more capable when it comes to heavy work or do-it-yourself repairs. The problem is when the woman shows a lack of appreciation for your efforts. It shows a lack of respect for you, for your time, and your effort. Your time is your life. If she doesn't appreciate that, then you either correct her or if the problem becomes too serious and is too damaging to you, you dump her.

If she loves you and has enough good qualities, and if the relationship in general is good, then she may be worth training when it comes to one problem area. You're the only one who can decide if she's worth training. I hate to say this but even the good ones usually need some training if you get into a long-term relationship. That's just the way it is. If you have a woman who is used to dealing with men who suck up to them and who cater to their every whim, you're going to have to give her an attitude adjustment. She's not used to having a real man in her life. You have to correct her. You have to make rules and stick to them and she has to pay the consequences if she breaks those rules.

 

[The Gambler]

There's nothing wrong with being the "man of the house" and handling things the man would handle(even if you're not living together). Men are stronger than women and in general, men are more capable when it comes to heavy work or do-it-yourself repairs. The problem is when the woman shows a lack of appreciation for your efforts. It shows a lack of respect for you, for your time, and your effort. Your time is your life. If she doesn't appreciate that, then you either correct her or if the problem becomes too serious and is too damaging to you, you dump her.

If she loves you and has enough good qualities, and if the relationship in general is good, then she may be worth training when it comes to one problem area. You're the only one who can decide if she's worth training. I hate to say this but even the good ones usually need some training if you get into a long-term relationship. That's just the way it is. If you have a woman who is used to dealing with men who suck up to them and who cater to their every whim, you're going to have to give her an attitude adjustment. She's not used to having a real man in her life. You have to correct her. You have to make rules and stick to them and she has to pay the consequences if she breaks those rules.

That's some good stuff right there. Good stuff.

The Gambler

 

[betheman]

...She gets mad at her son because he had the whole day off and didn't do any of the work he said he would do. She tells her son to get his stuff and leave...

sort of away from the main point but if she does this to her own son, what chance do you think you have should things bottom out between you two?

 

[Aristippus]

betheman,

That point is probably irrelevant and I'll explain why. Teenagers and young adults these days are lazy. It's possible her son has a history of persistent laziness and needs a swift kick in the a$$. This is probably not the first time she's had a problem with getting him to do chores. He's probably a late teen to early twenties kid who's been coddled too much by an over-protective, but nagging mother.

She nags. He sits on his lazy a$$. She gets angry and this cycle has happened over and over. She's probably near the point where she's already considered kicking him out or him moving out so he'll grow up and become a man. She'll either make empty threats and continue to do so or one day she may get fed up to the point where she gives him an ultimatum and he has a certain amount of time to get a job and to get his own place.

Totally different situation and not related to a scenario where a relationship goes sour. If it ever got to that point the original poster should have enough interests and love freedom enough that exiting a relationship gone bad is not something to be feared but welcomed. Whether the means to that end is him leaving and breaking it off first or her telling him to leave, in the end all that matters is the end result. Not being trapped in a toxic relationship.

Note: This is a "what if" scenario. Ultimately it's up to him to make the judgement and decide where the relationship stands right now. All we can do is give limited feedback on the limited information we have based on general principles which would govern our behavior. The idea is that these principles are flexible because they can apply to many different scenarios.

 

[betheman]

betheman,

That point is probably irrelevant and I'll explain why. Teenagers and young adults these days are lazy. It's possible her son has a history of persistent laziness and needs a swift kick in the a$$. This is probably not the first time she's had a problem with getting him to do chores. He's probably a late teen to early twenties kid who's been coddled too much by an over-protective, but nagging mother.

She nags. He sits on his lazy a$$. She gets angry and this cycle has happened over and over. She's probably near the point where she's already considered kicking him out or him moving out so he'll grow up and become a man. She'll either make empty threats and continue to do so or one day she may get fed up to the point where she gives him an ultimatum and he has a certain amount of time to get a job and to get his own place.

Totally different situation and not related to a scenario where a relationship goes sour. If it ever got to that point the original poster should have enough interests and love freedom enough that exiting a relationship gone bad is not something to be feared but welcomed. Whether the means to that end is him leaving and breaking it off first or her telling him to leave, in the end all that matters is the end result. Not being trapped in a toxic relationship.

Note: This is a "what if" scenario. Ultimately it's up to him to make the judgement and decide where the relationship stands right now. All we can do is give limited feedback on the limited information we have based on general principles which would govern our behavior. The idea is that these principles are flexible because they can apply to many different scenarios.

do you have any kids? have you any idea how single mothers, more often than not, worship their sons? i.e. they can do no wrong! Im not defending them but if she is prepared to kick her son to the curb, who lets not forget, did come and ask what he could work on, how does she view those in her life who are not born to her?

 

[Burroughs]

In the old days you would be able to give this biatch a solid backhand and tell her to go fry something up for dinner...and be grateful she has a man willing to even give a fvck about a kid from another daddy....

deadbeat

can't pay mortgage.....

you're helping....AND SHE YELLS AT YOU...WTF!!!!

now she wants to 'reinvent the issue'? dude!

I mean the sheer audacity...you are dating the single mother...lowering yourself to her level..and she has the nerve to criticize you for trying to make peace.

you know why she yelled and biatched?!

because to paraphrase bill burr 'you couldn't hit her' she could yell at you for no reason and you couldn't do a thing about it.

just retarded...leave this cvnt immediately..it will never get better...men should not tolerate an OUNCE of disrespect from his women....EVER

 

[Aristippus]

Anybody can reach thresh-hold and if she's been dealing with persistent laziness and a son that won't grow up and take care of himself, yes, even a mother that "worships her son", as you put it, will eventually get fed up and tell him it's time to shape up or ship out.

I know because I'm engaged to a single mom who gave her son a time limit to find work and his own place. In this case he's actually a good kid and does some things. He's just a late teen who's a bit lazy around the house and for a while wasn't putting enough effort into finding work. He's getting his act together and is moving out. It will be good for him. He's starting to take some responsibility and that's good. Overall he's a good kid that just needed a swift kick in the pants. He's 19.

Bottom line is, who cares? If the relationship becomes f-ed up beyond repair, no man worth anything should want to stay in that situation. Whether that exit is taken on his own or agreed upon by her, the exit should be welcomed over the alternative of living in misery.

 

[Desdinova]

There's some serious gold star posts in this thread. Aristippus, I don't know where the hell you came from, but I DO hope you stick around!

I thought I'd settle down and try and make it work one last time. I just get tired of the constant struggle. They whine and ***** when they don't get what they want. Rarely content.

There's two main things that I keep in mind when it comes to women...

1) A woman should be a compliment to you, never an embarassment.
2) A woman should add to your overall happiness. If she's taking away from your overall happiness, then she should be removed from your life.

 

[The Duke]

betheman,

That point is probably irrelevant and I'll explain why. Teenagers and young adults these days are lazy. It's possible her son has a history of persistent laziness and needs a swift kick in the a$$. This is probably not the first time she's had a problem with getting him to do chores. He's probably a late teen to early twenties kid who's been coddled too much by an over-protective, but nagging mother.

She nags. He sits on his lazy a$$. She gets angry and this cycle has happened over and over. She's probably near the point where she's already considered kicking him out or him moving out so he'll grow up and become a man. She'll either make empty threats and continue to do so or one day she may get fed up to the point where she gives him an ultimatum and he has a certain amount of time to get a job and to get his own place.

You nailed it sir. You must have been a fly on the wall! That is precisely whats going on. She's disappointed in her son and worries he won't turn out like she had hoped. These days it seems there are way too many kids like this.

She must have came to her senses/and or felt bad because she came home from work early and cleaned my whole house.

I told her from now on don't expect the level of help she's been getting from me. She understands.

Good Advice Desdinova.

 

[Aristippus]

Desdinova. Thanks. I'll be sticking around for a while.