How would you handle this?

[Danton1975]

I have been involved with a girl in an LTR for 4 years. For reasons that are too long to cover here, about a year ago, I told her our relationship was a dead end and that she should be dating others as I was moving on. It took her a while to stomach that thought, however, she jumped back into the dating pool and because she is a very attractive girl, soon afterwards she was dating 2 men at the same time, keeping the relationship casual and had only reached the point of kissing them (according to her) when I decided I wanted her back and entered the fray.

She was very mistrustful in the beggining because I had hurt her feelings majorly, and it took an intense period of courtship...roughly 2 and a half months for me to gain her back slowly. Last night we had sex for the first time since 6 months or so. With her...(she claims at least) it takes her a while to gain back the trust of someone and have sex...even kissing, means a lot to her. I know this because even when we kissed the first date...that took me literally months to build up to but ever since I had her total devotion I think.

When we were in vacation about 3 weeks ago I checked her text messages, where she was writing to her previous guy she was seeing, the main one I think, that she no longer wanted to be romantical with him and his response was: "OK but just don't push your buddy away."...then a couple of days ago, I had another opportunity to check her messages (and yes...I know it's bad but a bit of investigative work will save me a load of pain in the future) and there was an exchange about a week ago in text messages between her and him...basically him saying I am going to X town with my buddies, she saying..."I miss you, we should meet this Friday, it's my turn to buy dinner. The cards have surely been stacked again us lately" I think It had to be Friday because we had an overnight date Tue, Wed, Thur, and one this Sun.

Bottom line, I am jealous, but I have not let it shown and have tried to be both ****y and funny in this situation without handling my power away. I always was the most willing to walk away from our relationship and thus had the power from day 1, but I think the intense 2 and a half months of courting have hurt me a bit and I feel the power balance has shifted towards her, though there have been hundreds of "I love you's" flying around on both sides, her saying it as often as I have.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't give a **** who she dates or sees, and didn't...but this relationship has the potential for something greater so in this case I care. Can you give me a read in this situation? Do you think I am overanalyzing this, or she may be still interested in the other guy and keeps him in the wings just in case I turn away from her again? Or worse? How would you act?

***Also...before you guys comment on why should I spend this much time and effort with a single girl. It's because she literally turns on all my attraction switches, and though I am a decent looking guy, with game, confidence, self-control, and humor and could get many girls I am perfectly happy seeing only her and have been the same way for the last 4 years. That's why I want you to help me troubleshoot this. I appreciate all your responses.***

 

[kingy]

dude that is completely un-acceptable behaviour. confront her and ask, be willing to walk away. sounds like cheating thoughts at least.

 

[thecurtainfalls]

Well it really depends how much you REALLY like her. If you really think she's a quality chick and potential long term material (and therefore you might be willing to overlook some stuff in the short term), look at things from her point of view. You totally dropped her and forced her to accept that you didn't want to be with her any more. This has a certain psychological effect on a person, and certainly hardened her to you a lot more than 2 and a half months of sex and romantic dinners can cure. Did you expect her to be alone pining for you for a year or two?

If she is a quality, attractive girl, don't be surprised that there were other guys interested. You kind of damaged the relationship when you did what you did, so keep that in mind moving forward and understand that things might not be exactly the same. She's not going to snap back into the mindset of being totally trusting of you, and rightfully so in a sense.

 

[Danton1975]

This has a certain psychological effect on a person, and certainly hardened her to you a lot more than 2 and a half months of sex and romantic dinners can cure. She's not going to snap back into the mindset of being totally trusting of you, and rightfully so in a sense.

Great insight. She has almost literally told me the same thing. Do I think she is potential long term material? Absolutely. That's why I have gone through the steps I have. Trust me, were it otherwise it wouldn't have been worth the trouble. Now...for a classic story on how I almost ruined the night by being jealous. As I mentioned I had read her text message to the other guy referring to them meeting Friday (today) for dinner. I will also tell you she is a very nice person which was what initially attracted me to her and I think she feels a bit guilty for dropping this other guy so this may explain the dinner. Anyway...the thought of her going to dinner, with a guy she had started a relationship with drove me nuts the whole evening. She had been feeling sick for the last 3 days, flue and all, and was taking Nyquil and by today she had almost lost her voice completely. She texts me saying to text her because she wouldn't be able to talk and was trying to rest her voice. The jealous me thought...aha, interesting, she is trying to have a quiet dinner with the other guy. I call her twice in the evening around 8:00...no answer. I think "definitely has been heading to dinner"...so I text her twice. The first text 9:03: "Where are u?"...The second text around 9:46 "?"
No answer. So I know now for sure she is at dinner. I am steaming mad, and say fu&ck it, and head over to her place to confirm she is not there. We live 15 min apart. I knock on the door, and hear her teacup Yorkie bark...I knock again...nothing. Yet, there is light inside. On my third knock she opens the door, surprising the heck out of me. I did not expect her to be home at all. She is completely drowsy with NyQuil and been sleeping for the last 4 hours and had lines of the towel she was resting her head on all over her face. On the table besides the couch there is a dinner plate and unfinished grapes so I know she has been eating by herself. She tells me her Blackberry was on silent and I cover up my visit with the excuse that I came to pick up my laundry, which I dropped off at her place during one of our overnight dates. Pretty good cover actually and I don't think she suspected any foul play, but yet again it teaches me never to assume anything ever again. I never show jealousy as I know how damaging it is, especially to the guy, and the one time I did I almost made an ass of myself.

Moral of the story...I am spinning out of control and this is a first for me in 34 years. I need to grab the reigns and cool it, or I am bound to make some strategic mistake that is going to cost me in the relationship with her. The problem is, I am falling for her worse than all her previous 4 years combined and this coupled with her being careful not to get hurt again and taking hesitant baby steps, is just fueling the fire worse. Any other thoughts or advice? Mainly...what should I make of her text messages to the other guy? I don't want to misread the situation. Am I making too big of a deal out of it, or is there reason for concern

 

[WaterTiger]

First you dump her because you don't see a future with her...now you decide you can't live without her?

What prompted this HUGE change of mind dude?

 

[Danton1975]

First you dump her because you don't see a future with her...now you decide you can't live without her?

What prompted this HUGE change of mind dude?

Simple. While we were dating for 4 years she was my girlfriend and I was married with a 4 year old son. Then, when I told her to go date others because i wasn't going to leave my wife and son for her, eventually she took me up on it. Her doing that made me realize we had something special as I started missing her more and more. On her end, she could never fully move on to new relationships (according to her words) and I told myself "hold on here...my marriage is doomed as it is already. Why should I not be with her, since I enjoy her company so much and we have incredible chemistry with each other?" So now, I am in a 130 sqft hotel room, preparing to go through a divorce, so that her and I could be together...however, now we have the freedom we didn't have before and I am all in, as in 100% with her. Where will it end? I have no idea but it's both exciting and draining as hell.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

Simple. While we were dating for 4 years she was my girlfriend and I was married with a 4 year old son. Then, when I told her to go date others because i wasn't going to leave my wife and son for her, eventually she took me up on it. Her doing that made me realize we had something special as I started missing her more and more. On her end, she could never fully move on to new relationships (according to her words) and I told myself "hold on here...my marriage is doomed as it is already. Why should I not be with her, since I enjoy her company so much and we have incredible chemistry with each other?" So now, I am in a 130 sqft hotel room, preparing to go through a divorce, so that her and I could be together...however, now we have the freedom we didn't have before and I am all in, as in 100% with her. Where will it end? I have no idea but it's both exciting and draining as hell.

Focus on one thing at a time. Get the divorce, THEN get the girl. Noone wants a head case going through a divorce, this is true for men and women alike.

Break off all contact until the ink is dry on your split, and you are not living in a hotel room. Then give her one chance, one phone call, to respond. If you lose her, you lose her...so be it. There are thousands of fish in the sea.