How to Work "No Contact" To Your Advantage (a Mini-Tutorial)

[Harry Wilmington]

Greetings, all!

So, one of the major concepts talked about on these boards is the act of going "No Contact" on a woman. However, in reading many of the postings asking about how NC works, it's obvious that many guys still don't quite get 3 things:

1. When to use it
2. How to use it
3. Making it work most effectively

So, I thought I'd give a mini-tutorial for some of the newbies on here on how to work this whole "No Contact" thing most effectively. As always, I do not spout out things on here that haven't worked for me in real life - with that said, these are ways I've effectively used "No Contact" to have exes/former FWBs wanting to re-connect with me.

1. WHEN TO USE IT

The main problem a lot of guys have with NC is they try to use it on girls they are interested in, but the girl hasn't show any actual interest in THEM. No bueno: if you have that girl friend that's constantly talking to you about other guys but isn't giving you signals she wants to date you, the probability of you being able to attract her by suddenly going NC on you is slim, and - quite frankly - a waste of your time.

NC should be used on girls that have some form of attraction to you, ranging from marginal (i.e. she hangs out with you a lot and has given you flirtatious signals yet hasn't gone out with you yet) to head-over-heels (i.e. girlfriends, longtime dating partners, fiances, wives). At the point where you notice their attraction in you starting to lessen, using NC can be a great way to give her enough time and space away from you to start missing you, to the point where they reach out to you in hopes of rekindling that strong connection.

2. HOW TO USE IT

For guys that are ready to try and go the whole NC route, you have to remember two things: one, this isn't a short-term strategy - like, you going NC on a girl for 1 to 10 days isn't usually going to be enough time to make her realize that she hasn't seen you as much as she used to, or get the feelings of missing you and wanting to see you, so you have to go into it knowing it could take 3 to 6 months (or longer) to get the results you want; and two, when using NC, you have to go into it with the thought that she may not reach out to you, and that you could end up losing contact with her FOREVER. It's one of the risks you have to be willing to take - and, on a positive note - it's one that will help you to become less and less attached to the outcome of having to have a specific girl, which will, in turn, make your MORE attractive to women.

How to use it is pretty simple: whether it's a girl that's dumped you, or you dumped her, or you took her out on a couple of dates and then got the "Let's just be friends" speech, your action after these events is to ignore her completely. Depending on the situation you may give her a warning beforehand (i.e. with the LJBF speech you may respond to her with "Sorry, I'm not in this just to be friends - nice talking to ya though" then walking off), but the end result is the same: no texting/messaging/calling/smoke signaling/trying to "accidentally" run into her... none of that stuff. You simply disappear and go about your life (ideally improving upon it). You also remind yourself that she isn't the only girl in the world that will find you attractive, and go out there and hit up other girls. I've gotten so good at this process that I usually start to forget whatever girl it was I was so interested in that rejected me since I've usually got 2 or 3 new ones ready to go after me.

Meanwhile... well, there are plenty of threads on here about a woman's "hamster wheel" turning in her head, wondering why you're not contacting her. Suffice to say, after x-amount of time, the woman will start to miss you - both for the attention and for all the good times you showed her - and probably reach out to you. If she does, CONGRATS! It means NC has worked...

BUT...

3. MAKING IT WORK EFFECTIVELY

...just because she reached out to you doesn't mean she's completely ready to take you back. Nor does it mean that she thinks you've been able to move on without her - after all, if you respond to her upon her first contacting you, all she'll think is you were playing a game this whole time, all the while secretly wanting her to hit you up. And, in order to make NC work as effectively as possible, she has to have a REAL sense that your life is actually fine without her, and that, for you, taking her back is BARELY an option. This will make it so that she FEELS like she's in REAL danger of not having you in her life if she doesn't shape up and act right.

So, how can you accomplish this? Easy...

STEP 1: When she first contacts you, do NOT respond. At ALL.

Most of the time, the first contact back will be within 1 to 2 months, and either be a phone call or text saying something non-committal like "Hey, how r u?" or "Long time no see, what's up?" This is a teaser - she's trying to see if she still has you in the palm of her hand, and if this whole "no contact" thing was just a ruse to make her jealous or something. DO NOT RESPOND. Let it go to voicemail, erase the text... do anything but respond to it.

STEP 2: When (or if) you decide to respond, you need to be ready to "control the situation"

After the first calls/texts get ignored, she may wait between 1 to 2 more months before she reaches out. By that time, quite a bit of time will have passed, to the point that her thoughts and nostalgia over you will REALLY have her wanting to be with you again. At which point, you'll probably get a text or call from her, only this time it won't be fluff - she'll get straight to the point and ask if you two can talk. It will probably sound kinda like begging, which means YOU now have the power in the situation.

In order to keep that power, though, you can't be quick to jump onto her suggestion. Best idea is to sound unsure of whether you two should meet up in the first place... then, after she asks you a few more times (thus making HER be the one to beg for YOUR attention), you reluctantly agree to meet up. YOU decide where that meeting should take place - at your place, at a restaurant, etc. - and YOU determine the time, as well as how long the meeting is when you get there.

STEP 3: Hear her out

When you meet up with her, she'll probably want to do fluff talk at first. Don't fall for it - ask her to get straight to the point (in a nice, yet commanding way. I'd go with "so, you wanted to talk?" so as not to fall into random banter). Then, let her say what she has to say, WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. This part is VERY important, as what she says will help you better determine what you're going to say to her afterward. For example: if she comes in with "I miss our friendship, and I was hoping we could hang out again," your response - that you're still not interested in just a friendship - is going to be different than if she comes with "I miss you, and I want to be with you again."

STEP 4: Make a definite "indefinite" decision about you and her

Assuming this NC thing has gone the right way, she should be wanting to date you again or, if you weren't dating before, at least be open to going on dates with you. Inside, you're probably excited, right? BUT, you don't want to seem too eager to take her up on her offer. Instead, what you do is, after saying whatever it is you feel you have to say, tell her you'd be interested in seeing her again on a TRIAL basis. Basically, you're telling her you're open to dating her again, but that if any B.S. pops up, YOU will be the one getting rid of HER. It's the best way you can set it up because (a) it doesn't make you look desperate to have her back, and (b) she knows to be on her best behavior because you CAN, in fact, live without her (as is now evident by your weeks/months of no contact with her).

And that's it! That's the best way I have found no contact to be the most effective. Feel free to add your own two cents to this post below. Lastly... CLICK ON THE LINK IN MY SIGNATURE, I'M AWESOME!!

 

[Riprock713]

See the problem I think for most guys is they actually do this in order to get their ex back, and from what I have learned it should be a strategy to use in order to get over your ex. which is exactly why I'm using it, although I know my ex wont be in contact with me I wouldnt use it to get back with her anyways.

 

[Yewki]

It seems there's still confusion about NC. It should be clarified there's different types of NC. Dropping someone completely to avoid all future contact I would call complete NC, aka moving on. Then there's different variations (durations) of short term NC which are used on someone who you're interested in but hasn't justified being dropped. When she's disrespected you with too many red flags, you should always drop her though. Have dignity.

The main problem a lot of guys have with NC is they try to use it on girls they are interested in, but the girl hasn't show any actual interest in THEM

Actually this is a perfectly good situation to go complete NC. If you've made some moves and she reciprocates no interest... move on.

if you have that girl friend that's constantly talking to you about other guys but isn't giving you signals she wants to date you, the probability of you being able to attract her by suddenly going NC on you is slim, and - quite frankly - a waste of your time.

I would argue the opposite. Going anything but complete NC in this situation is a waste of time. You shouldn't have even become friends with her to begin with if you're attracted to her and she's not responding. You advocate being an emotional tampon to someone you want to have sex with?

NC should be used on girls that have some form of attraction to you

You should clarify you're talking about short term NC here. Never go complete (or even long term) NC when a girl is interested in you, unless you're not interested in her. Sieze the opportunity.

For guys that are ready to try and go the whole NC route, you have to remember two things: one, this isn't a short-term strategy - like, you going NC on a girl for 1 to 10 days isn't usually going to be enough time to make her realize that she hasn't seen you as much as she used to, or get the feelings of missing you and wanting to see you, so you have to go into it knowing it could take 3 to 6 months (or longer) to get the results you want;

If you plan to go NC for longer than like a month, and still hope for future contact, that's quite pathetic and you should probably focus your time and energy on the root of the problem: being beta.

Nor does it mean that she thinks you've been able to move on without her;

Instead of trying to convince or trick someone that you've moved on... you should actually just f*cking move on. If you get her back by pretending not to be a pathetic beta, history will likely repeat itself. Work on yourself first and foremost.

 

[SmooveMooves]

Some solid advice in your post, but I think you should venture away from writing it in steps.

The thing with dating and male and female interactions is that nothing's set in stone. There are way to many variables, and each women and situation is different.

I know your trying to sell your manuals and promote your website and shít. But if you're in it to help men, for real, even a little bit. You'll stop with these 'manuals' & 'tutorials' & 'Ultimate guides'. And start producing more philisophical material.

Like what mindsets to have. Ways you should carry yourself. And general ways to approach situations.

That way, you're giving the foolish men who should turn to you, tools to deal with women and situations. Rather then guides they'll surely follow to the T and outrage when they realize their particular situation doesn't quite match.

There is no jump manual on Game.

Stop trying to write one.

 

[Peña]

Sounds like playing games to me.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Hey all:

Thanks for the responses thus far. Be it agreeing with the post or having insights I may not have thought of or clarified, I appreciate the respectful dialog (hopefully it will stay that way, but... lol)

Anyway, I did want to respond to one comment in particular:

Some solid advice in your post, but I think you should venture away from writing it in steps.

The thing with dating and male and female interactions is that nothing's set in stone. There are way to many variables, and each women and situation is different.

I know your trying to sell your manuals and promote your website and shít. But if you're in it to help men, for real, even a little bit. You'll stop with these 'manuals' & 'tutorials' & 'Ultimate guides'. And start producing more philisophical material.

Like what mindsets to have. Ways you should carry yourself. And general ways to approach situations.

That way, you're giving the foolish men who should turn to you, tools to deal with women and situations. Rather then guides they'll surely follow to the T and outrage when they realize their particular situation doesn't quite match.

There is no jump manual on Game.

Stop trying to write one.

For starters, thank you for the response. I want to clear up any misconceptions people may have about the advice I give as it pertains to other outside ventures associated with said advice...

1. I am aware that, with dating, nothing is "set in stone." However, many of the same variables DO come up time and time again, to the point where, if you are observant, you can catch these patterns and realize that, while they may not be true of ALL interactions, the PROBABILITY of being able to predict how the interaction will go can be hypothesized. It's just like when people on these boards say "don't tell a girl how you feel about her directly or she'll be scared off." This is not true with EVERY girl - some girls want to hear that wordy crap all the time - and is therefore not technically set in stone... BUT, the PROBABILITY of being able to do something like this and keep the girl attracted is very, very LOW. All my advice is based on the probability of it being successful or not - so, as with this guide, the way I've laid out the "No Contact" plan has worked for me MORE than it hasn't - thus, my reason for posting it here in the first place.

2. If you look way, way, waaaaaaaaaay back at my earlier postings here on SS, I've been posting advice in step and/or manual form since day one - BEFORE I had a website, and BEFORE I had stuff to sell. I have found that, for myself, navigating through the dating world wasn't that easy for me until I started learning how to do the correct actions and putting them into steps. Dating, like any other skill, can actually be made into a linear sequence of events (i.e. steps) that can result in you getting the girls that you want more often than not - which is how it's been able to work for me. Thus, the reason I place my advice this way. Do I have stuff to sell at my site? F--K YEAH I do - it's taken me a lot of hours, money, trial and error, etc. to learn some of the things I've learned to be successful, so there is a charge for some of it. BUT, I don't feel bad about it at all - I have tons of FREE articles at the site, along with over 228 FREE podcast with well over 60 hours of advice, AND I post advice on here for free... and out of everything I do, I have TWO programs I sell for under $40 (and a 3rd one on the way). So, given the ratio of free advice given to sold advice, the complaint is really not valid.

3. With that said, I DO see your point in making an effort towards focusing on the general mindset. All of the steps given in this post - and with NC in general - were given with the ultimate mind frame that the guy should be prepared to move on. It just so happens that - again, in my experience - when I've have this mind frame and really go through with it, girls from my past have hit me up. It's happened at least 5 or 6 times that I can remember, which is why I mentioned that it's easier to get these girls back if you go NC to give the impression that you can live without them - the mindset being that you need to believe you really CAN live without them. However, for newbies on here that are scared that NC might not work, I wanted to let them know that even though they should be trying to move on, the result of doing that is that NC CAN work to get a girl back, even if it's not always the best idea.

So, hopefully that clears up a few things about this post. Carry on, people!

 

[mikey2012]

NC is subconscious. There isn't a strategy to it. It's a way. If you are spinning plates then you wouldn't really care..

 

[Pardner]

Harry you are an idiot still trying to get people to buy your crap products.

Sneaky way to advertise your stuff in the middle of the post.

 

[zorg198]

Guys

In starters i used to read a lot of this kind of articles and forums see if my ex will contact me back. some of them say one or two month , some of them say six month.

Let me tell you this, first of all when i see thread like this is pisses me off , why? because it a load of cr@p... why i event want to hear from my ex after two month, six month? who cares? if the main focus of NC is to see if your ex will contact you , well i had to break it to you - you all are a idiots with no self respect and self value. when you wait a person who dumped you and moved on to another dude within weeks or a month what that tells you?

Move on with your life....

Joe.

 

[nismo-4]

Harry Wilmington, it's great to see this kind of stuff posted here. I would simplify it.

NC does not work on women unless they have a strong interest in you. Hell, everything works on women who have a strong interest in you! Even lame jokes and bad dancing!

I prefer to call NC, for all intents and purposes, erase and replace. Delete from every platform, block online included. I think it's better to burn the bridge, especially if there was no sex involved. Why go back? To be an orbiter? I'd rather not.