How to turn from a loser who is nothing to something?

[SlyDonJuan]

Maybe you people never heard of me cause I rarely post anything. But I have been reading the posts written by the people at this site and I find it wonderful and fantastic.

But I have a serious problem here. Since I have entered college from last year, things got worst.! As a 19 year old guy,I have been ostracized from my peers. I just do not understand why do they give me silent treatment and ignored me. I have been facing this so-called f*cking problem since high school and I don't have a clue why!

Everybody seems to have their own friends together but I don't. The people around me especially my previous schoolmates/classmates and my current collegemates do not wish to associate with me since I have the image of a total loser who has no friends.

Of course, I have few friends but I can't always go to them when I am bored or looking for entertainment. When I look at my peers, they always seem to have something on going for them. They are having a happy life going out and have fun. And me? Staying at home doing nothing but playing with Playstation or surfing the net.

So it's 11.00 a.m on friday, and everyone is out. But I have no where to go. Why? Few friends and I am regarded as a total loser. I can't tolerate this any longer. Of course, I know my peers would probably think that I am different from them cause I am not a jerk like they do. So I have been isolated from them.

In other words, I am nothing while a jerk is extremely impressive and should be looked up to. And what pretty upsets me is, I am a person who has few friends so I can hardly get access to getting any girls.

I need to get more friends so I could widen my circle to get more girls. And based on the current situation, I don't think anybody is going to date me since the aura of desperation is circling around me.

Everyone around me regards me as a useless id|ot who has no friends or gfs to the extreme that my own family members said that to me!!.

Oh well, I just don't get a chance to use what I have learnt here. It's been a while since I have actually pickup someone. And for my so-called enemies in school and college, they are having a good time laughing at me for facing such terrible situation in my life. They are happy !.

Guys, I am asking all of you out there who reads this post to help me out. I am totally sick and tired of this problem. I need more friends and gfs. I am f*cking upset with this problem!. ARGH!!!

P.S. = RKTEK, if you happen to read this post, ignored it cause you are probably going to refer me to an articles which you have told me the other day

 

[ELITE_WOMANIZER]

well. the latest studies show that confidence and athletic ability are what popularity is based on for men.

teens are drawn to machoness, and confidence. so the first thing you need to do is be a confidant person no this "im a loser" attitude. and you need to take kick boxing or something and become a hard ass.

then you should have better luck making friends.

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feel free to email me for advice at frogman1@hotmail.com. i dont want to make you the best at laying women, i want to make you the best of the best at laying women.

 

[Idorus]

You are 19...
go take some salsa dance lessons and you'll make plenty of friends and girlfriends

being the cool guy at your school isnt as important as having something to do at night

 

[Sting]

So far, the advice to the initial post in this thread has been pathetic.

Let's look at your situation:

1. 19 years old
2. Graduated from high school
3. Freshman/sophomore in college
4. Low self-esteem
5. Handicapped social skills
6. Desperate for social acceptance
7. Jealous of people have social acceptance
8. Regarded as a loser by practically everyone, including his own family

With that said, no amount of feel-good, "you gotta have confidence" inspirational advice is going to change your situation. Consequently, I'm not going to waste *my* time, nor yours, in trying to give you any. What I will give you is a blueprint, or at least a template, of the model you should follow to turn your life around.

First, unlike many people who give advice, I'm not going to tell you that you need to drop your loser attitude. You can't do that right now, because if you could, you would. That will be the last thing in your life that will change when you begin to turn your life around, and you probably won't even notice when it does.

Let's start with the physical. The world cares more about superficial appearance than anything else. Describe yourself. Give us an honest description of your physical appearance.

Height? Weight? Acne? Big nose? Huge ears? Hair color? Hair length? Strong or weak jaw?

How do you dress when you go out into the world? Do your clothes fit you well?

If you can't do that (the mirror always lies, as does your ego), here's a good exercise for you. Have a "friend" of yours take your picture on an average day. Don't tell him/her why, just get a bunch of pictures at various times. Once you have them developed, analyze them with a critical eye. If you can't (or more likely your ego won't let you), compare your picture to a guy in Esquire, GQ, Details, etc... You won't measure up. That's okay. Once you acknowledge that fact, you're on the road to changing how the world sees you.

If your problem is physical (e.g., you look like crap naked), you will need to dedicate yourself to a fitness regimen for at least six (6) months. The fitness forum here has great advice, and thereare hundreds of websites out there (my favorite is www.testosterone.net), that have routines, diets, etc... that will transform you in that length of time, provided you stick with them.

If you problem is clothing, empty your closets and dresser drawers of everything -- and I mean *everything* -- you own. Put it all to the side. Go to your checking account, and figure out how much you can afford to lay out on a new wardrobe, from underwear to outerwear (e.g., jackets). If you've got $200, that's a decent start, because that amount should buy you 2-3 decent sets of clothes. Don't worry, you don't have to buy everything at once, just enough to begin transforming your wardrobe from the past to the present.

At this point you're probably wondering when I'm going to get to the part about improving your social skills and getting friends. Guess what, I'm not. You have to learn to stand, then walk, and then finally to run. How others *see* you is the first, and most important step. You won't get past the "loser" filter of most people unless you look like you're a winner. Half the battle with people (especially women) is waged *before* you open your mouth.

Begin with the foregoing, and keep us apprised of your progress through this thread.

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It could happen to you, just like it happened to me, there is simply no immunity, there's no guarantee...

 

[Ralph Bellamy]

So what do you suppose it is about you that makes you such a loser, everyone's practically unanimous? I need more info here.

I agree with Sting, to a point. Saying you need confidence and letting it go at that is inadequate. But his regimen of clothing, exercise, etc. is only a start. Surely you can find a new group of friends, how big/small is this college anyway? Your circle of friends can't be the extent of the student body, even junior colleges are bigger than that. And act like you don't give a rat's ass who's popular and who's not. That attitude helped me tremendously when I was in college, I made friends *very* easily and women volunteered numbers...*good looking* women. College is the golden age, dude, if you do everything right.

 

[Don-Wan Kenobi]

Sly,

Let me get this straight: ever since high school, you can remember feeling like an outsider. Everybody else seems to have their own friends and something going for them on a Friday night, while you feel like a desperate loser having no friends and nothing to do with yourself. You are not a jerk, in fact you distance yourself from the jerks that use to give you a hard time. It pains you to think that they could be having a good time, laughing and enjoying themselves while you sit alone in your dorm room (like you are doing right now) in front of your computer.

You are sick and tired of feeling ostracized, of being given the silent treatment by girls, and of not being one of the guys. You sound frustrated, lonely, and (what may not be so obvious to you now) angry.

Here is how to change.

1. (group) First of all, it would be naive to assume that you are the ONLY one on campus living life like this. Most colleges have mental health service programs that put together weekly or bi-weekly groups of students your age, facing similar social problems. The groups are mediated by a therapist or therapists who specialize in and have dealt with the many other students who have been in your shoes. Go there and sign up - usually these services ARE NOT expensive, and possibly FREE.

2. (good friends) Communicate and hang out with the good friends you DO have as often as you can. Let them know how you feel. Let anyone who is close to you and kind to you know what is making you upset. Reason being, if you seem depressed or pissed off around your good friends and they do not understand why, they'll invent a reason why and want to have less to do with you.

3. (toxic people) Distance yourself from people who do not treat you well, and from people who put you down. Critical and abusive parents, jealous friends, users, bullies, and insecure backstabbers exist in all of our lives. It is important that you identify these people and limit the amount of time you spend talking to them and being with them. They will not make you feel better. Most of them do not know how to make themselves feel better and are looking to latch onto and drag anyone down with them that they can. Sometimes they disguise themselves as dates and girlfriends also. If you are fluent in Donjuanese, you'll know what to do when I tell you to "NEXT" these people.

4. (therapy is for normal people) Consider individual therapy. Since you are in college and your problem is NOT uncommon (oh, how so many college freshmen and sophomores are miserable) whoever you see will have an idea of what it will take from you to make life happier. Sometimes college health services offer free or cheap individual mental health services, another benefit of being a student. And oh yeah, if you do go that route, beware that some therapists suck and that there is no rule against finding another one. They have to keep all of your information confidential and anonymous, which means that you can tell them you beat an old lady when you were thirteen and they keep that between you and themselves. Oh, and don't get talked into pills. That's a sign you have the wrong therapist.

5. (attitude) Eventually, you are going to develop an attitude where it is easy to say "ah, fvck it" when you don't have plans for a friday or saturday evening. You'll find plenty of ways to keep yourself occupied. I'm an avid bookstore patron, I listen to and compose all kinds of music, I have a membership to a gym that's open really late, I love to cook (that one will get the friends over if you're good at it), and I devour any kind of literature related to health science and mediicine. Oh yeah, I enjoy getting a good night's sleep every once in a while also. It may seem like you're the ONLY one NOT having fun in the dorms and that's because dorms are loud and crazy places and all you see and hear on a Friday night are the little hoochie-mamas screaming and the thoroughly inebriated jocks running up and down the halls, crashing into things. The lonely 19 year olds sitting in front of their computer monitors on a friday night tend to make less noise than the jocks and cheerleaders and so you may be less aware of them.

6. Lift weights.

7. Lift more weights. Be smart about it. Don't just copy what the other guys are doing in the weightroom. Read some of Flyguy and Diesel's posts in the Health & Fitness Forum.

8. Join a group (outdoors, music, sports, art, yoga, dance). This is going to be hard for you because it will SEEM like the others are avoiding you and that you are radiating some kind of a loser-idiot aura. I can assure you that you are wrong about this

Stop thinking "What am I doing wrong" and Start thinking "Okay, what would it take for me to approach this group of people or this individual and start a conversation? How should I go about it?" Eventually, you'll become a natural at this and you'll be able to make acquaintances wherever you go. You have to start somewhere and for someone with zero experience, don't put too much pressure on yourself to change immediately.

9. Bury that playstation, or sell it and use the money for a gym membership. Lift weights.

10. If you think you LOOK like a loser (and your looks have little to do with your problem, I promise you) then DO something about it! If you're fat, lose some weight. If you've got an ugly hairstyle, spend a couple of dollars to have it changed. If you dress like a fool, spend some time looking at how men dress and model after that. These changes won't magically draw the world to your doorstep, but it will make you feel better about yourself and give you one less excuse as to why you don't have friends. Oh yeah, and anything that makes you feel more attractive, makes you look more attractive, and makes other people want to get to know you.

11. Having a girlfriend will not solve this problem. It will make you feel like you can better handle being alone when she's not there, but the minute the relationship is over you'll revert back to this state-of-being. Don't go running to women and hope that their attention and their affection will change things. It won't make things any better. If you're saying "Well, I guess I don't have a problem with that because NO woman will talk to me!" - guess again. You can "DJ" without having many friends and there are many receptive women out there. It just takes a little confidence. Some of them are great to be with but others will take advantage of a guy with your issues and make you feel worse.


I'm gonna stop here. This is a start. The reason women give you the cold-shoulder is because you are a man. If you try to be "friendly" with a lot of women you are going to get a lot of cold responses. They may suspect that you are interested in them and they may be tired of being approached. This won't change ever, unless you start telling them you're 100% gay (but that won't help you get laid, my friend). No Don here has a 100% success rate with chicks. Every Don here gets the brush-off at least once in a while. The reason you are not "one of the guys" yet is because the other guys do not know you and have no reason to get to know you. They may think that you have nothing in common with them. My observation is that most men don't go too far out of their way to make friends with other men once they have a circle. Same with women. When a man approaches a woman or when a woman approaches a man, you can suspect that at least one of them will want the other as "more than a friend" and that accounts for awkwardness you have been experiencing. Most people are "comfortable where they are" and feel a little uncomfortable around people they don't know well. Doesn't mean they hate you or are repulsed by you. They don't know that you are NOT comfortable where you are or that you feel VERY uncomfortable around people you don't know well.

The biggest thing that you will need to change is attitude, and then you'll need to be a little courageous and try getting to know some new people. You can do this. You are not destined to be a loser the rest of your life, and I DOUBT that many people (with the exception of a few morons you went to high school with) think of you as one today.

There is no reason why you cannot be having as many friends and as much fun as any other young man at your college. You have just as great a chance of having a girlfriend as any other guy you know. If anyone tells you otherwise, they are full of sh`t and I will call them on it.

Robert

 

[SlyDonJuan]

Sting,

I am an average looking person. Unfortunately, I am not a jerk. So the jerks only stay with the jerks. And there is another so-called group called the 'nerd' group. Of course, they are usually perceived as 'square' and nothing. So the jerks and so-called cool dudes really look down on them.

I do not belong to the jerks or the nerds. I am alone. The jerks think I am nothing while the nerds think I am a jerk. So basically, I am not accepted neither here nor there. Anyway, for your information guys, I don't stay in the college dorm. I lived with my parents since I studied in local college around my area.

Don- Wan Kenobi,

So everyday, I go to college for lessons and come back home. Basically, it is a boring life. And I just do not know why. I have a so-called shyness in myself. I am a little reserved and I am only comfortable with people that I know. When it comes to social situations where strangers are involved, I get uptight but of course, I don't show it.

I tend to be silent at times and open up after I get to know someone better. So I will find it difficult to follow your steps to change. I know what you will say. You will probably think 'I don't care whether it is difficult or not, but if you want a better life, you must change no matter how difficult it is'.

And now since it is holiday for me before exam results are out, I have been taking up a volunteer job to get rid of my boredom. But as soon as work is over, back to home. And during friday,saturday nights, boredom sets in. Is this part of growing up? I think the problem here is because I have too much time in my hand so I am complaining about being bored.

Oh well, I am tired of this kinda life.....
'sigh'

 

[PrinceCharming]

Originally posted by SlyDonJuan:
Sting,

I am an average looking person. Unfortunately, I am not a jerk. So the jerks only stay with the jerks. And there is another so-called group called the 'nerd' group. Of course, they are usually perceived as 'square' and nothing. So the jerks and so-called cool dudes really look down on them.

I do not belong to the jerks or the nerds. I am alone. The jerks think I am nothing while the nerds think I am a jerk. So basically, I am not accepted neither here nor there. Anyway, for your information guys, I don't stay in the college dorm. I lived with my parents since I studied in local college around my area.

Don- Wan Kenobi,

So everyday, I go to college for lessons and come back home. Basically, it is a boring life. And I just do not know why. I have a so-called shyness in myself. I am a little reserved and I am only comfortable with people that I know. When it comes to social situations where strangers are involved, I get uptight but of course, I don't show it.

I tend to be silent at times and open up after I get to know someone better. So I will find it difficult to follow your steps to change. I know what you will say. You will probably think 'I don't care whether it is difficult or not, but if you want a better life, you must change no matter how difficult it is'.

And now since it is holiday for me before exam results are out, I have been taking up a volunteer job to get rid of my boredom. But as soon as work is over, back to home. And during friday,saturday nights, boredom sets in. Is this part of growing up? I think the problem here is because I have too much time in my hand so I am complaining about being bored.

Oh well, I am tired of this kinda life.....
'sigh'

You know what's good about this?

At least you know that you need improvement. That's always the first step. I met a friend in college who had been the same type as you almost all his college life, that was until he met me

Once I realized he was similar to me, I proceeded to slowly but effectively change him while I was changing myself. If you talk to him now, he is a wholly different person.

All it takes on your part, is your willingness to talk to different people, find out about them, until you find the one who is willing to help you change.

 

[SlyDonJuan]

No more replies.?

Come on dudes, why cant more of you help me out?

Anyway, I am now worried cause I cant seem to get more friends and @ss and it looks like no one wants someone who isnt wanted by others.

ARGH. This is driving a person insane

 

[LionFox]

Get a job.

Yeah, work. You will meet all kinds of new people, and chances are they if you are polite, and help them with their job, and work hard yourself they will automatically like you.

Get a fun job. I am a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer, and I still work for a 1 hour photo lab on the weekends. Why? Because it's fun, and all my coworkers are sexy females.

Also, Besides filling the lonely boring hours of your life, jobs will also give you cash. Which translates into money you can spend on the hobbies you will develope, like golfing on the weekends, playing tennis, or joining that gym. Or shopping for those killer clothes you will soon be stopping chicks dead in their tracks with.

Any small scale retail job is great (not a wal-mart or a super-K, those are living hell) You will always be meeting new people, you will be forcing yourself to be outgoing and friendly toward strangers, listening to their problems, trying to sell them things, and just generally improving your interaction with people. And that sounds like the skill you need to work on the most right now.

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

Sly,
I know how you feel as I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My advice: stop thinking about it so much and take action.

Stop being such a wimp and making excuses about not being a jerk etc. Who cares? You've identified a problem and now you've got to fix it. If you have nothing to do Saturday and Friday, then go to a strip club, this will help you get over your fear of women.

You've got to "Man Up". Be your own friend if you can't get any. Make a list of things you like to do (I suggest you write it out and post it here...but if I see you write play on my Sony Playstation on the list then I'll kick you myslelf). Everytime you start thinking of yourself as a loser you have to get up and do something on your list, whether it be watch a porno movie, go for a workout, go shopping, or drink at the local pub etc. Anything to break this pattern.

Guy, you've got to take small steps everyday and build from there. The first thing you have to do is stop beating yourself up and the next thing you've got to do is Man Up and taker responsibility. It won't happen over night but it will happen if you are consistent.

Also you should eat more red meat and stop watching Oprah.

 

[SlyDonJuan]

I am still pissed over it. I do not think working will work cause I have tried it before. And it looks like it doesnt help me in getting more @ss cause they are bored seeing me everyday here.

So all tricks, techniques and theories are f*cking useless cause I can't be a challenge. Oh well, is this fate?

 

[Aberration]

Sly,

I hear ya, I would say a few weeks ago, and even now, I have the same attitude and situation.

Seriously though, get over it. Quit being a pvssy about this. Go to a bar, find the most beautiful woman there, and make a goal of asking her out, that night. Period. Get off your ass, and just do it.

Believe it or not, there is this thing called "vibes". Your perception of yourself, is translated into your body language and how you speak to people. If you think you are a loser, so will they. Because that is what you project to them.

Stand tall, let your balls drop.

 

[THIAGO BRAZIL]

Hey, just because you dont have lots of friends doesnt mean you are a loser.
You need to focus on yourself first of all.

YOUR life
YOUR hobbies
YOUR college
YOUR workout
YOUR car
YOU
YOU
you are the center of the universe. Then you can expand it to another persons (friends, chicks).

BE SELF CENTERED.

 

[Barbillus]

Hey,

There is a lot of good advice in this thread.

You need to definently change yourself. If being yourself right now doesnt work. You need to change it.

I have made several posts/replies about improving one's social status... do a search. You need to improve your social status ASAP it seems. That will help you a lot.

The best thing you can do is to find someone who is in the "cool" group so to say and befriend him... just him... from that you will make friends with more people... and it just gets better from there.

 

[Itsatisfies]

Dude, stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something to change your situation, go to the gym, get big and strong, (confidence booster), take martial arts, (I would suggest Budo Taijitsu, this is also a confidence booster, you'll have confidence knowing u can kick some A$$) read books, take notice of your peers and their interactions in school, What you need in confidence, men and women like confidence in people, it suxxs a$$ to have a friend that has no faith in himself, his abilities, or anything he does, get a can do attitude my friend, remember the little train that could. Reach down grab some balls, be outspoken, stand up for what you believe in, don't let people treat you like sh!t, I'm only 5'6" and I weigh 160, short, but you know what? No one talks down to me, I demand respect with my prescence. Quit whining and do it, if you're home alone on a friday night know what you should do? Go out to a local bar and find a young lady that you wanna talk to you have said yourself that you have learned alot from this web site, go out there and put it in practice you will be receiving no A$$ at home, its like hunting man, you gotta go where the prey is, just get outta your room and do it, JUST DO IT, JUST DO IT, JUST DO IT, JUST DO IT, JUST DO IT, JUST DO IT, and oh yea, just do it.

Remember, no Balls No Glory

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There's a reason guys don't like crazy bytches, it's cause their crazy.

 

[BS]

hey, you have to realize your not going to change overnight or even a week. It will take a few months, even a year.

You have to start doing things.
Start cutting out tv/internet/video games.

Get a job, if your bored at night/weekends get a job that you can work those hours (a bar, restaurant, even a coffee shop).

Work Out
Read some books
do well in school
Get some hobbies (guitar, parachuting, whatever)

Basically, just get busy and you'll eventually start forgetting about everything that you posted in your first post. Maybe even change the way you look...grow your hair long, grow sideburns, whatever, get contacts if u have glasses. Just remember IT WILL TAKE TIME!

edit: there's a ton of good advice here and start following it...if you don't why bother even coming here, just keep feelin sorry for yourself.

One more thing, print out your first post, tape it to your wall and highlight the parts that you HATE and want to change. Everyday look at it and laugh, say "that's the old me". Each day you have to try and change the highlighted parts of that post, do something that you wouldn't usually do.

[This message has been edited by BS (edited 10-16-2002).]

 

[Blakis]

No, my friend.

I was like you. Was.


Think of it this way. how are you better than all of your stupid friends? and enemies.

If you cannot answer that, then I cannot help. I do not have the time to help someone who cannot do that.

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If you want to know, ask the right people.
Don Juans know what they want,
and get it.

 

[much2learn]

Sly,

I hear in your post echoes of myself from days gone by.

Perhaps the best thing I ever did was move out from home. After graduating high school I deliberately picked a university several hours away from my folks (and basically everyone I ever knew). I love them, but getting away from my parents, and being forced to survive on my own, did more to make me a man than probably any other single deed I've ever performed. And it provided a fresh environment where I could develop a whole new set of friends, friends who knew nothing about my high school life.

I realize moving out can be expensive, but in your case you might want to consider it. At least give it some thought.

 

[NoMore]

There is alot of good info here, it's almost overwhelming.

Have you ever taken on a large project and tried to do everything at once? That is why you see project cars for sale in the newspaper all the time. Someone will try and take on the whole job all at once and they get burnt out, run out of "time" for it.

Take it step by step. Focus on one thing that really pisses you off about your life and change it. You have to accomplish smaller goals...if you set your goal too high and never achieve it, it is way to easy to give up.

For example, I have never been very outgoing, and still have trouble around new people. One day i told myself that if I want to meet more women I needed to learn how to dance. Period. I had never danced a day in my life, but I decided that i was gonna do it, that was about 5 months ago. I can't dance to all kinds of music, but i told myself that i was going to learn to dance to techno/dance songs. I picked one song I really liked and forced myself to dance to it, even if I was feeling like crap with no confidence. Everytime I dance to techno/dance songs now, my friends always comment on how I was "tearing it up" or something like that. I feel I have accomplished this small task, so now i am moving on to a different kind of music to dance to.

It is amazing what you can do with yourself if you actually just put the effort and will power into it. When I used to get down, I would tell myself that I could be in alot worse situations and then list off the good things in my life. So far this has helped, I haven't really been down on myelf in the last year, and nobody wants to be around someone that is down on themselves anyway.