"I'm Not Looking for Anything Serious Right Now"
When a woman says it, guys hear a confession. A heads-up. A scheduling conflict.
Here's the translation: I don't feel anything. Right now. With you.
Watch what happens when a man triggers actual attraction. The busy career, the recent breakup, the "not in a place to date" — all of it evaporates instantly. The same woman who was guarding her freedom is suddenly free every night.
The "22 Rules" explain why. When the right switches flip, her timeline rearranges itself around you.
How to tell if she is a BPD girl ?
- Thread starter jophil28
- Start date
"She Laughed All Night. Then She Ghosted You. Here's Why."
Dinner ran three hours. She laughed at everything. You walked her to her car thinking this one's locked in.
Then: nothing. Two texts. No reply. What happened?
You did what most men do on a great date. You filled every silence, answered every question, and left her with nothing to wonder about. No mystery. Nothing to sit with when she got home.
Rule 3 of the "22 Rules" changes the ending: tell her a little, hold back the rest, and let her imagination do the chasing. The ghosting stops too.
JustDoItAlways
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- May 28, 2002
- Messages
- 914
- Reaction score
- 7
It seems like this rollercoaster women, BPD issue keeps coming up and more guys are posting their stories.
The biggest hint that you will get early on that your girl is trouble, is a b1tch, has Borderline Personality Disorder or Histrionic PD is:
- Lying.
These types and the worst kind of girls lie for a living, especially BPD and HPD types.
You should never let your girl lie to you. Call her on the first little white lie that she tells you. If you don't, the little white lies turn into little grey lies which turn into black lies which turns into BIG BLACK LIES.
A normal girl will lose respect for you when she can get away with lying. She will slowly escalate the lies until you call her on it. If you call her out soon enough on them, she will stop and you will have a good girlfriend.
BPD and HPD girls, however, will flip out when you call them out on their lies. If you consistently do it early on the right way, they will just move on. Because they can only be with guys that let them get away with their lies.
So there you have it. The DJ principles work again. The DJ principles just draw the good girls to you while they drive away the bad girls and the nut-jobs. Stick to the principles.
The biggest hint that you will get early on that your girl is trouble, is a b1tch, has Borderline Personality Disorder or Histrionic PD is:
- Lying.
These types and the worst kind of girls lie for a living, especially BPD and HPD types.
You should never let your girl lie to you. Call her on the first little white lie that she tells you. If you don't, the little white lies turn into little grey lies which turn into black lies which turns into BIG BLACK LIES.
A normal girl will lose respect for you when she can get away with lying. She will slowly escalate the lies until you call her on it. If you call her out soon enough on them, she will stop and you will have a good girlfriend.
BPD and HPD girls, however, will flip out when you call them out on their lies. If you consistently do it early on the right way, they will just move on. Because they can only be with guys that let them get away with their lies.
So there you have it. The DJ principles work again. The DJ principles just draw the good girls to you while they drive away the bad girls and the nut-jobs. Stick to the principles.
I said it in the last thread, and I'll say it again.
Be careful not to label people this or that. That kind of thinking is very very destructive to relationships. It is called assuming. It is one of the most destructive behaviors to a relationship. Nobody is this or that.
You may turn down a very great girl because you thought she was an "attention *****" or BPD or any number of things because she displayed the "symptoms."
BPD is a diagnosis invented by psychiatrists who have to make a living and need something explain to their clients without speaking in general terms. A label or diagnosis is helpful in any medical profession. Imagine if you walked into a mental health service, and they said, "we don't know what you have, but you do have the symptoms you are telling us."? It is simply a diagnosis to help their profession. BPD can not be chemically tested for, nor does it exist. It is a man made 'disease.'
Everybody has personality flaws to different degrees.
Simply date her and watch out for red flags.
Be careful not to label people this or that. That kind of thinking is very very destructive to relationships. It is called assuming. It is one of the most destructive behaviors to a relationship. Nobody is this or that.
You may turn down a very great girl because you thought she was an "attention *****" or BPD or any number of things because she displayed the "symptoms."
BPD is a diagnosis invented by psychiatrists who have to make a living and need something explain to their clients without speaking in general terms. A label or diagnosis is helpful in any medical profession. Imagine if you walked into a mental health service, and they said, "we don't know what you have, but you do have the symptoms you are telling us."? It is simply a diagnosis to help their profession. BPD can not be chemically tested for, nor does it exist. It is a man made 'disease.'
Everybody has personality flaws to different degrees.
Simply date her and watch out for red flags.
cordoncordon
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Jun 2, 2006
- Messages
- 2,889
- Reaction score
- 109
Just to add to this.
I lived with a certified BDP for about 1.5 years. She was diagnosed with it and has been under therapy of some sort for most of her life.
Like many of you she seemed perfectly normal when i first met her. Pretty, well spoken, funny. And she came on like gang busters when I first met her. Sex right away, declaring her love for me within a week or two. Saying how i was her knight in shining armor. Hooked me immeaditely.
Soon I began to see many red flags. Drinking, many failed relationships, many different jobs, strange stories about her past, changed her hair style and color many times, could go from one hobby to the next like the drop of a hat and never revisit the old one again. She began to have depression, raging like you have never seen someone rage. I mean could literally go on for hours screaming over nothing. And then the next day be the sweetest person you would ever meet.
Soon when she began to doubt my true love for her she made up stories to attract sympathy. Saying she was raped in a parking lot, saying she was attacked when she took out the garbage and even had perfectly placed slice marks on her head to "prove it". Of course since I had found out so many of her past stories were lies, i really didn't believe these either and of course those turned out to be false as well. All to get my "attention".
After a while her daily drinking became so bad, her raging so bad, I was ready to move out and on with my life. Thats when she took a knife and in front of me slit her wrist wide open. Thankfully she sliced it parellel and not across, or she would have died right there. I mean her wrist was wide open, cut all her tendons, everything. She also o d'd on her her meds to try and kill herself.
She really tried to get help. I mean she realized what she had and didnt want to be that way but there was nothing she could do according to her.
Finally when i left for good, she hit and sliced herself and then called the police saying I attacked her-which I didnt. I was arrested, put in jail for two days, humiliated. I eventually got everything cleared but only after paying court costs, lawyer fees, and attending anger management class for 15 weeks at $50 a pop. If anyone knows me they call me the most laid back person they know. I never get angry, which is why that class was such a joke, and the instructor knew that after a week or two and gave me a glowing report to the judge.
She also stole my car, slandered me to everyone she knew. All because I left her.
There are a million other stories I could tell about her in the time we were together, but suffice it to say they are all very similar to the ones I gave here. Lets just call it a neverending soap opera.
I was sucked in. I thought I could "fix" her. When i got out of that relationship eventually it felt like all the life had been sucked out of me. Thats what they do, suck the life out of you and then move on since they always need new forms of excitement and drama to keep them from thinking about their own depression.
I am telling anyone now, if you have any inkling that your gf or wife has borderline personality disorder, run like you have never run before. I have had numerous psychiatrists tell me BPD is the one disorder they are actually scared of. It is untreatable.
Just get the heck out.
I lived with a certified BDP for about 1.5 years. She was diagnosed with it and has been under therapy of some sort for most of her life.
Like many of you she seemed perfectly normal when i first met her. Pretty, well spoken, funny. And she came on like gang busters when I first met her. Sex right away, declaring her love for me within a week or two. Saying how i was her knight in shining armor. Hooked me immeaditely.
Soon I began to see many red flags. Drinking, many failed relationships, many different jobs, strange stories about her past, changed her hair style and color many times, could go from one hobby to the next like the drop of a hat and never revisit the old one again. She began to have depression, raging like you have never seen someone rage. I mean could literally go on for hours screaming over nothing. And then the next day be the sweetest person you would ever meet.
Soon when she began to doubt my true love for her she made up stories to attract sympathy. Saying she was raped in a parking lot, saying she was attacked when she took out the garbage and even had perfectly placed slice marks on her head to "prove it". Of course since I had found out so many of her past stories were lies, i really didn't believe these either and of course those turned out to be false as well. All to get my "attention".
After a while her daily drinking became so bad, her raging so bad, I was ready to move out and on with my life. Thats when she took a knife and in front of me slit her wrist wide open. Thankfully she sliced it parellel and not across, or she would have died right there. I mean her wrist was wide open, cut all her tendons, everything. She also o d'd on her her meds to try and kill herself.
She really tried to get help. I mean she realized what she had and didnt want to be that way but there was nothing she could do according to her.
Finally when i left for good, she hit and sliced herself and then called the police saying I attacked her-which I didnt. I was arrested, put in jail for two days, humiliated. I eventually got everything cleared but only after paying court costs, lawyer fees, and attending anger management class for 15 weeks at $50 a pop. If anyone knows me they call me the most laid back person they know. I never get angry, which is why that class was such a joke, and the instructor knew that after a week or two and gave me a glowing report to the judge.
She also stole my car, slandered me to everyone she knew. All because I left her.
There are a million other stories I could tell about her in the time we were together, but suffice it to say they are all very similar to the ones I gave here. Lets just call it a neverending soap opera.
I was sucked in. I thought I could "fix" her. When i got out of that relationship eventually it felt like all the life had been sucked out of me. Thats what they do, suck the life out of you and then move on since they always need new forms of excitement and drama to keep them from thinking about their own depression.
I am telling anyone now, if you have any inkling that your gf or wife has borderline personality disorder, run like you have never run before. I have had numerous psychiatrists tell me BPD is the one disorder they are actually scared of. It is untreatable.
Just get the heck out.
Road Demon
Senior Don Juan
Hey Blueguy...
I guess you never had experienced a BPD female aka the great chameleon.
We all no matter how normal, exhibit some degree of psychiatric
dysregulation. These are called shadow syndromes, and are a normal part of
the idiosyncratic personality. They are not necessarily psychiatric. If
your blood pressure is 130/95, you technically have high blood pressure, but
it doesn't make you hypertensive. Get it?
A collection of behaviors that look like a disorder, but are not have come to be called "shadow syndromes". Many of us exhibit various shades of mental disorder, from passive-aggression to road rage to OCD to all manner of things. What is interesting about these "shadow syndromes" is that they are situation specific and have a very particular antecedent. In other words, they are not on-going behavior, but more reactive behavior. They are more acute response to extremely stressful situations or events.
Now BPD is different:
The disorder itself, while falling on Axis 2, cluster B of the DSM, is primarily a psychosocial one. That means it is a learned set of non-coping skills, failure to recognize social cues, exaggerated emotional responses, and general misperceptions. Fundamentally speaking, it is a distortion of social perception that presents itself as extreme behavior informed by what is referred to as s emotional dysregulation.
From a childhold developmental standpoint, the person who develops a BPD character
usually grows up in, or is consistently exposed to or lives in a highly
co-dependent environment...let's say, an emotionally needy and controlling
parent.
I guess you never had experienced a BPD female aka the great chameleon.
We all no matter how normal, exhibit some degree of psychiatric
dysregulation. These are called shadow syndromes, and are a normal part of
the idiosyncratic personality. They are not necessarily psychiatric. If
your blood pressure is 130/95, you technically have high blood pressure, but
it doesn't make you hypertensive. Get it?
A collection of behaviors that look like a disorder, but are not have come to be called "shadow syndromes". Many of us exhibit various shades of mental disorder, from passive-aggression to road rage to OCD to all manner of things. What is interesting about these "shadow syndromes" is that they are situation specific and have a very particular antecedent. In other words, they are not on-going behavior, but more reactive behavior. They are more acute response to extremely stressful situations or events.
Now BPD is different:
The disorder itself, while falling on Axis 2, cluster B of the DSM, is primarily a psychosocial one. That means it is a learned set of non-coping skills, failure to recognize social cues, exaggerated emotional responses, and general misperceptions. Fundamentally speaking, it is a distortion of social perception that presents itself as extreme behavior informed by what is referred to as s emotional dysregulation.
From a childhold developmental standpoint, the person who develops a BPD character
usually grows up in, or is consistently exposed to or lives in a highly
co-dependent environment...let's say, an emotionally needy and controlling
parent.
"She Laughed All Night. Then She Ghosted You. Here's Why."
Dinner ran three hours. She laughed at everything. You walked her to her car thinking this one's locked in.
Then: nothing. Two texts. No reply. What happened?
You did what most men do on a great date. You filled every silence, answered every question, and left her with nothing to wonder about. No mystery. Nothing to sit with when she got home.
Rule 3 of the "22 Rules" changes the ending: tell her a little, hold back the rest, and let her imagination do the chasing. The ghosting stops too.
Thanks for the explanation behind the organization of of psychiatric behaviors. I think that some people may confuse these "shadow symptoms" with a person who is extreme enough to be classified as Severely Screwed Up with these acquired non-coping skills, misperceptions, exaggerated responses, etc., or if you want to call it, BPD. But your reasoning perfectly explains how normal functioning people exhibit behaviors within BPD reactively. I think it is perfectly normal to hold a relationship with a girl who has these "shadow symptoms" unless she pulls more extreme behavior as cited above (slitting wrists, making up stories, raging, lying, etc.)
I guess what I am trying to say is that you will know when you have a severely screwed up girlfriend. She will do crazy stuff. It will be obvious. You may not see it at first. As you said, "the great chameleon." But time is the test of truth. You shouldn't drop her like a hat if she does something small (or a shadow symptom). I know if I did that I wouldn't have gone through my last relationship, which was great.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you will know when you have a severely screwed up girlfriend. She will do crazy stuff. It will be obvious. You may not see it at first. As you said, "the great chameleon." But time is the test of truth. You shouldn't drop her like a hat if she does something small (or a shadow symptom). I know if I did that I wouldn't have gone through my last relationship, which was great.
Road Demon
Senior Don Juan
Hey Blueguy, your very welcome.
I have been in relationships where the females have issues like anxiety, obsessive compusive behaviors etc, but it do not affect their everyday functioning. Nor was it considered extreme behavior. I had good and healthy relationships with them; I maintain healthy relationships with these ex-girlfriends today.
The BPD female was whole another planet. She was so enchanting at first, attractive (she had the finest bubble butt I have ever seen!) and the sex was great. What happened was just so similar to the stories of the other posters (no cutting though). It happened a few months into the relationship, and lasted about 13 months when she 'pulled the carpet out from under me.' Reading the accounts of other posters it is almost like these BPD females come from some sort of a mold. I cannot honestly say that the BPD ever really cared for me or is even capable of 'love.'
The BPD are often not even aware that their is a problem , which is unlike many other mental conditions. They blame everyone else.
j
I have been in relationships where the females have issues like anxiety, obsessive compusive behaviors etc, but it do not affect their everyday functioning. Nor was it considered extreme behavior. I had good and healthy relationships with them; I maintain healthy relationships with these ex-girlfriends today.
The BPD female was whole another planet. She was so enchanting at first, attractive (she had the finest bubble butt I have ever seen!) and the sex was great. What happened was just so similar to the stories of the other posters (no cutting though). It happened a few months into the relationship, and lasted about 13 months when she 'pulled the carpet out from under me.' Reading the accounts of other posters it is almost like these BPD females come from some sort of a mold. I cannot honestly say that the BPD ever really cared for me or is even capable of 'love.'
The BPD are often not even aware that their is a problem , which is unlike many other mental conditions. They blame everyone else.
j
drmeathead
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2004
- Messages
- 490
- Reaction score
- 6
- Age
- 47
http://nook.bpdcentral.com/nookboard/index.php?topic=49987.msg467918#new
a must read for anyone who wants to post on this issue. advisors and advisees
a must read for anyone who wants to post on this issue. advisors and advisees
Fair enough.jophil28 said:I will say this one last time -
I have had NO contact with her since early October.
That means no contact !! No calls, texts or visits. I am not waiting for something to 'snap' into place and for her to be 'fixed" , she is my EX !!
PLease do not continue to badger me as if I am still seeing her and can't stop dating or chasing her !!
I have NOT seen her nor want to see her because she f**ked up my head and my heart .
I am trying to "RECOVER" from her endless mind games and the emotional fallout .
I am not trying to find ways to fix this relationship .
Jophil
What about forgetting about her the same way she has forgoten about you?
By the way, I meant to ask you...I know she is 49. How old are you?
Sometimes knowing the person's age can slighly change the advice given. For some reason I was under the impression you were in your 30s. Now, I don't know if you are in your 40s or 50s.
jophil28
Master Don Juan
I am 56 years old with a reasonable 'together' history of dating women. 90% of my past breakup were initiated by me. THis latest woman is like NO other. SHe had such a powerful "pull" on me from the get go',She threw herself into our sex life with me like and observer ! She has a little girl body in a 50 year old container. She is like f**king a 50 year old with her daughter's body. No cellulite ,no stretchmarks . Looks life a 23 year old in the candlelight in bed, The lust drug is a powerful drug!
She seems to be operating from a different Manual to most other women . Shil is so fragile and 'China Doll' like -I am afraid to upset her unless she "breaks'. A big dose of oneitis!! AT MY AGE !!
One day at a time. =
SHe debates every point , needs to win and have the last say, distorts and twists everyday conversations into fierce competitions and NEVER backs down or say "I am wrong " It is like emotional "armwrestling" but NO violence and no cutting and no overt anger. SHe is always operating under the radar.
She seems to be operating from a different Manual to most other women . Shil is so fragile and 'China Doll' like -I am afraid to upset her unless she "breaks'. A big dose of oneitis!! AT MY AGE !!
One day at a time. =
SHe debates every point , needs to win and have the last say, distorts and twists everyday conversations into fierce competitions and NEVER backs down or say "I am wrong " It is like emotional "armwrestling" but NO violence and no cutting and no overt anger. SHe is always operating under the radar.
"She Laughed All Night. Then She Ghosted You. Here's Why."
Dinner ran three hours. She laughed at everything. You walked her to her car thinking this one's locked in.
Then: nothing. Two texts. No reply. What happened?
You did what most men do on a great date. You filled every silence, answered every question, and left her with nothing to wonder about. No mystery. Nothing to sit with when she got home.
Rule 3 of the "22 Rules" changes the ending: tell her a little, hold back the rest, and let her imagination do the chasing. The ghosting stops too.