How to move on from your beta past?

[Genos]

Lately, I've made a great deal of improvements with regards to my career prospects, physique, developed my knowledge through reading, etc. - in general have done a great deal of self-development. My social skills are the best they've ever been as well - I'm comfortable with approaches and putting myself out there with people whom I've never met.

And yet, my mental game is quite poor. Because of the various super beta mistakes I've made with girls in the past (confessing feelings, telling a girl she was my first kiss, stalking a girl's online profile causing her to block me, various missed opportunities, etc.), I feel like I don't deserve to be with women. Girls have shown their interest in me (and now, with the knowledge I've gained from this forum, I can actually recognize that they're interested), but I always keep them at arm's length, I'm afraid of getting too close. I don't want to invest too much for fear of hurting myself or them.

How do I get past this mental block? I just don't feel entitled to meet new women, given how I've screwed up in the past.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Practice makes perfect. You simply need to get more engaged with more women and train yourself all over again. Hell you're young and have plenty of time, stop lamenting about your past...all of what, 4-5 years of it? Get real man. Plenty of pu$$y out there that has never met you before and has no idea who the real you is, so be whatever it is you want.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

The thing I ask myself about the past is, 'What the f*ck am I gonna do about it'.

The thing I tell myself about the past is, 'Remember it, but only to change the future'.

We only ever really have two choices; implement change, or accept what we can't change.

Keep going man. As Saul said, practice works wonders.

 

[Yewki]

It can be hard to "practice" the whole concept of getting better with women, so I would recommend making very specific but small goals to complete.

You would tailor the goals to where you are right now, but as an example you could make a goal to 1) make eye contact and smile at a girl you find attractive. That's it, no other strings attached. You would just practice that until you felt somewhat comfortable then go on to another goal, like 2) do #1 and then say at least one word to the girl. Continue the process until you're content.

 

[Genos]

I wanted to revive this thread, because I've been having the same issues in my recent approaches/interactions with women, and need some more guidance. I'd also like to note that, in response to the above posters, it's not simply a lack of practice, the issue goes a bit deeper than that.

Lately, I've had this problem in thinking that I simply don't deserve to date and be intimate with a woman...All my prior mistakes, missed opportunities, and lack of appropriate social skills echo in my mind when I think of being with a girl. A second, related issue is that I fear I may hurt women I get close to (as I've hurt women in my past by being totally socially clueless, especially when it comes to love/relationships/intimacy).

These two things together make it difficult for me to move forward with peace of mind in dating. I always think about how I messed up in the past, and that I'm just not entitled to be with a woman because of that. If had only known back then what I know now, things would have been much different.

To clarify, I have no problem being happy and interacting with women normally. I can approach and talk to pretty much any woman in any context and have a successful conversation, get them laughing, get them interested, etc...all skills I've learned and practiced since coming to this website. I'm by no means an Adonis, but my looks are pretty alright and I've even gotten compliments from girls before. The issue is purely mental, and it arises when I consider the possibility of asking a woman for her number or on a date - I always hold myself back from doing so. In my past, I've left several women with bad impressions of me because of the dumb mistakes I've made, and that hurts too...but more concerning than me appearing awkward or being rejected is that I may put them through the awkwardness of having to reject me.

Obviously, all this adds up to a truly screwed up mindset, but it's what I've been living with for a little while now...the memories of my past failures stick in my mind so strongly, that I can't really keep up my confidence in the present. How do I improve my mindset?

 

[dustmuffin]

I think you need to forgive yourself for your mistakes. Don't hold on to them. You screwed up, your corrected them, flush the thoughts out of your brain and be the best you can be. :rockon:

 

[skinnyguy]

Once you stop being desperate for puss and realizing that women would be lucky to date you, it's easy from there on. It will come eventually.

 

[amazingswayze]

Reality Check!

simply don't deserve to date and be intimate with a woman...All my prior mistakes, missed opportunities, and lack of appropriate social skills echo in my mind when I think of being with a girl. A second, related issue is that I fear I may hurt women I get close to (as I've hurt women in my past by being totally socially clueless, especially when it comes to love/relationships/intimacy).

You deserve to date, IF you believe so. You've been studying SoSuave for a while now. You're improving yourself for no reason? Nonsense. You need some sense of entitlement. Not saying you should be a narcissist, but you need a basic level of confidence to get by in this world. You must have low self-esteem. It seems like your problem is that you don't place any value on yourself. Start realizing how special you are. How far you've come. The positives. Make this a habit, and watch those negative thoughts vanish.
:box:

Obviously, all this adds up to a truly screwed up mindset, but it's what I've been living with for a little while now...the memories of my past failures stick in my mind so strongly, that I can't really keep up my confidence in the present. How do I improve my mindset?

You already know that you can't change the past. Work with the present. Make the future as bright as possible. The only way to forget about the past is to be happy with your present. Stop dwelling. Go out and experience life. These posts get you nowhere.

 

[Speculator E]

The thing I ask myself about the past is, 'What the f*ck am I gonna do about it'.

The thing I tell myself about the past is, 'Remember it, but only to change the future'.

We only ever really have two choices; implement change, or accept what we can't change.

Keep going man. As Saul said, practice works wonders.

I'll add more to this. Yes. Practice makes perfect. But keep making mistakes. Mistakes are how you learn. You sound like you are afraid to make more mistakes? Therefore it keeps you from trying and making progress. You need to accept it and keep trying. Good luck.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Hey there, guy:

I see you're 22. When I was 21, I spend a year studying up on all the things I needed to do in order to get women. When I went into my senior year in college, I thought I'd be able to ace this thing... lo and behold, though: I started going out with a girl - a friend of mine I had known for 3 years (so yes, people, it IS possible to date a friend IF you know what you're doing)... but I was so used to the version of myself that was BAD with women, that even when I was getting results to the contrary, a part of me was still saying "This girl can't REALLY want you like you want her to... if you make a move and it's the wrong one, you'll be SO humiliated..." As a result, I ended up losing that girl and got depressed about it for quite a few months - not just about her, but about still not having this whole "dating" thing down like I wanted.

What helped me get through it? Well, first I had to let my feelings hit rock bottom. It wasn't pretty either - days in bed, and I ended up slacking on my class work and actually failed out my first senior year in college. I don't recommend you going this route, lol...

After that, I decided to "get myself on paper." I went back and thought about every single mistake I ever made in my dating life with women, from saying the wrong thing, to not recognizing when a girl liked me, to when I did AFC stuff like writing poems and telling them I liked them too much... and I wrote all of this stuff down. Actually, I ended up making it into an eBook that teaches guys how to NOT do all the wrong things I did when trying to get girls. (Available at the link in my signature.)

Anyway... by doing that exercise, it gave me something to reference whenever I started feeling my old ways creep back up. For example, if I felt myself wanting to buy a girl a gift, I could look at the notes I wrote about how getting gifts for girls in the past didn't work, and it would remind me to NOT do that. Or, if I thought about calling a girl right after a date, I'd remember how doing that in the past resulted in a girl NOT wanting to date me anymore, and so I wouldn't do that action.

It also allowed me to remind myself that all of these scenarios started out with women who actually LIKED me at one point, or were, at the very least, open to giving me a chance. Even the girl I mentioned earlier - she was open to coming over to my apartment, watching a movie with me, feeling on her boobs... all that stuff, and yet I was the one who ended up messing up everything by not having confidence. But the point is, these girls gave me a SHOT. And if they were giving me a shot, it means, on a subconscious (or, in some cases, conscious) level, they had an attraction to me.

Lastly - and this is the hardest part for a recovering nice guy - I had to realize that I was not responsible for their feelings. Much like you, I worried about getting with a girl, realizing I didn't like her, and then having to hurt her feelings by breaking up with her. The reason I felt that way was because I wanted to be able to control the feelings she would have should those things happen, i.e. if we broke up I didn't want to see her cry, I wanted her to still view me as a "good guy," etc... over time, though, I realized that I couldn't control what her reaction was. All I could do was be the guy I was and, should those moments arise, know that I would do the best I could to handle them as best I could without malice. Now, if I tried to let her down gently during a break-up and she starts going postal, her reaction has to do with how she was raised to handle things when they're not going her way - it has nothing at all to do with you, other than you giving her a blow to her ego when you say you're not interested anymore.

So, that's what I can offer you as suggestions. Oh, and check out the link in my signature - I have a podcast with over 260 episodes (all free) that you can listen to in order to start changing your mindset about dating. Hope this helps!

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

To add further, another secret is genuinely not to care. This is the mother outcome independence, or in essence is the same thing. This also takes training and goes along with making mistakes and well, just getting over it.

Practice talking to people that do not cause intimidation. Especially chicks who might be hooking on to you, but you are not fussed with. That's not to say use people. Just be comfortable talking and flirting. It's not a crime.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

You don't forget. You use all of the cringe-worthy memories to fuel your drive and ambition to new heights so that you will never be the same again. You use all of that to look back at realize 'look at what I've done! Few people in the world can fall as hard as I did and climb back up so high. I deserve this.' And guess what?

You do deserve it. You deserve everything you have ever wanted, because now, you finally earned it.

Realize your greatness, Konduit. Realize it, revel in it, and relish every moment of it. And once it's all over, reminisce about it. I am the greatest. And so are you. Remember that.

 

[Poon King]

All your problems come from over-valuing women.

Its amazing how well you do with women once you remove the pedestal. And as long as the pedestal is there.. nothing you do to improve yourself will change your beta loser mentality. You can become rich and famous and handsome and still be a b!tch because you view women a certain way that they really don't deserve. These b!tches are not better than you and there is no reason to be afraid of them.

Men need to realize women exist only for three purposes:

1. Baby factory
2. Entertainment
3. Sexual pleasure

Once a man realizes this and TRUELY believes it.. he becomes alpha. Until then.. he is a pandering, beta b!tch slave who needs female approval to feel at peace. Its both ridiculous and pathetic at the same time. :crackup: :crackup:

 

[BrainDamage92]

Everyone starts off as beta. The ones who are not beta by default are sociopaths and narcissists.

These people have little to no emotional intelligence so I dont envy them. I was kinda like that, my emotions were burried deep. I keep them closer to the surface nowadays.

Its all about developing the cold common sense and the emotion to equal levels, with slight advantage of the cold intellect, couse thats what makes us men


and stop watching porn, srsly