How to keep up/turn up the tension (call or don't)?

[jnMissouri]

Skip to the bold section below for the short version and my actual question.

She’s a HB10. We've worked together for over a year. I was tied up and don't usually sarge at work, but she has grown on me. She had come on strong when I first started but didn't sarge at work like said. I recently initiated ever so slightly via email and she got the hint, bit and started coming by to talk to me flirting, hinting she was available, etc.

So I started to reciprocate by going to her desk, setting it up so we could talk privately/I could bust on her more. She loved it, she gave me signs during the interaction and an obvious look a few hours after that was clear as day that she was liking it and “game on”. Then she played me cold (she’s got game!) by blowing me off next time I went to talk to her. I thought she was playing hard to get for a bit, turns out she was…

She was assessing for affect (it was obvious) in the days following the blow off. After I played it cool and aloof for a few days SHE came forward and started to give me pretty obvious signs that she was still interested and wanted me to talk to her again. She escalated by coming up with a glaringly obviously BS reason to stop by to talk to me again. I’m sure it was because I was 1) not coming back onto her other than reciprocating what she was putting forward again 2) I was at least reciprocating so she felt some hope that I was still interested and was willing to put herself out there a little more to make sure I got the hint.

I called her on it playfully and told her I shouldn't be talking to her since I don't want her to file a complaint against me. She was like, why would I file one against you? I told her I know about the guy who randomly sent her sexual comments via work email (she's a hb10...). She was like, that was different, and she is not allowed to talk about it. So I asked her if she would file a complaint against me if I asked her for her number, and she perked up with the, why do you want my number bs. I rolled my eyes and smiled at her, and we talked for a few more seconds, at which point she told me her cell is on the emergency contact list. I laughed and was like, really? I handed her a pen and paper and she playfully got up and walked away, saying, it's on the ecl (there’s a long story behind this, I said that to one of her girlfriends when she wanted to transfer a call to me just days prior, so I’m sure that’s what that was about …that tells me they’ve been talking about me wink wink).

Next day she stopped by constantly to talk to me (more than before), find out more about me, etc. Of course I played hard to get and withheld the info. That drove her nuts but she took the opportunity to tell me what she was into to while I made her keep guessing.

She was constantly looking at me when she walked by, stopping to chat, asking me about my taste in music, where I’m from, etc. She also stopped by for help for some bs reason too. I had slid the pen and paper toward her in a playful way and she smiled and walked away (she wants me to get her number off the company contact list. She is wary of putting it on paper for me since she could get in trouble). She is def interested since she reinitiated with me and didn’t say no, just telling me where I could find it. Well, and the other interactions.

Attraction is high IMO, and she I running game on me, beating me to ending interactions first, pushing and pulling, etc. I’ve noticed if I disengage she will reengage and keep escalating until I get the hint that she wants me to re-engage. If I don’t move forward enough she will come forward more to give me a sign.

In any case, I told her I would talk to her soon, with the intent of making her anticipate my call this weekend and building tension, remaining a challenge and being unpredictable since I won’t actually be calling. This is like I said, to turn up the tension and be a challenge instead of being predictable. She looked relieved/glad/receptive that I would be calling her, almost as if saying, “good, finally!”. In any case, point is, I don’t think it’s a test, since the above body language/writing her number down creates a paper trail which could get her in trouble/and she didn't tell me no, instead telling me where to find it. Her body language has always indicated she was wary of putting it in writing since we work together.

Instead of calling this weekend I was thinking I would stop by her desk next week and invite her out just as friends (sending mixed messages), with the caveat that she doesn’t try to get in my pants or take advantage of me. Some ambiguity in this statement to send mixed signals on purpose. Then, next day maybe text her? It’s unpredictable and challenging.

Or am I better off calling her this weekend? Right now I’m in control. If I text or call she doesn’t call/text back, which is what I’d expect since it’s time for her to play cold again) SHE has control. By not calling I am remaining a challenge, making her think about me, being unpredictable and remaining in control.

 

[Fireballs]

Alot of people will tell you not to sh!t where you eat and I agree. The only time that I would persue a girl that I worked with would be if I was working somewhere I didn't see a future at or a temporary job and she was super hot.

If you're working somewhere that you want to stay at permanently, then you need to forget about this girl. It's just not worth it, I've been there.

If this job doesn't mean much to you just ask her out. Stop with all the phone number games and just say to her ''I think you would make a good friend, I'm going to (insert place) on (insert day) at (insert time) you should join me.'' Then escalate on the ''date''...

 

[jnMissouri]

Alot of people will tell you not to sh!t where you eat and I agree. The only time that I would persue a girl that I worked with would be if I was working somewhere I didn't see a future at or a temporary job and she was super hot.

If you're working somewhere that you want to stay at permanently, then you need to forget about this girl. It's just not worth it, I've been there.

If this job doesn't mean much to you just ask her out. Stop with all the phone number games and just say to her ''I think you would make a good friend, I'm going to (insert place) on (insert day) at (insert time) you should join me.'' Then escalate on the ''date''...

That's exactly how I invite girls out, lol. I hear ya, and like I said, I usually don't sarge at work. She is...attractive ;-) and seeing her daily has made her grow on me.

I'm quasi on my way out, and I was quite shocked to learn most people meet at the one place I've avoided sarging most of the time: work. I did when I was younger, and it wasn't that bad.

I might just send her a ****y/funny text not expecting a response and ask her out in person. I really feel like being unpredictable is the way to go with her since she's a 10 and has clingy guys after her all the time I'm sure.

 

[jnMissouri]

On the other hand, if I don't text soon, she might react negatively (try to make me jealous, feign disinterest for fear of rejection, etc. May be best to text her Monday or just stop by her desk.

 

[jnMissouri]

Espi, excellent threads, thank you. In the second thread, post #20, the guy made a good point which my above post (#4) touched on.

If she is texting YOU, you should respond. Your goal is to get the girl chasing YOU, and, by initiating contact, this girl is doing just that.

If a girl clearly has high interest, ignoring her will send the wrong message. The tricky thing is that girls will often pretend to be more interested than they are in order to test your neediness. Trust your gut, and when it doubt, slow things down.

Her interest level has been continually increasing, she has been initiating with me more and more at work. She was even jealous of other women in the office I was talking to Friday (not on purpose or flirty, just comparing costumes), but she got wind of it and started following my friends and I around and joining the conversation with each girl I was talking to and trying to nervously/clumsily make it seem like they are taken (you could tell something was going on because her comments and questions to these girls were just out of context, the most likely explanation would be that she was jealous and trying to neg them so I wouldn't be interested, or just flat out giving them the look).

I'm torn. On one hand I don't want to let the line go slack or risk having her pretend she is not interested on Monday because she feels rejected, or trying to make me jealous, (since I will talk to her on Monday anyways I think the risk if the above is low, as she should have some renewed hope when I talk to her Monday again, and be more receptive since I am sure she is dying to talk to me now) but in the other, she is a HB10, and thus what I've been doing (****y/funny, withholding info about myself, building anticipation) has been working.

Friday I purposely told her I would talk to her soon with the plan of not calling. The goal was to make her think about me when I don't call and pull back, be a challenge, not be predictable. I gave her enough indication Friday that I was interested, just like she has done with me when she has played hot and cold. And just like I started to wonder "what happened, our last interaction was positive, she was showing a lot if interest and then suddenly cold and I can't stop thinking about her!" I'm certain she is doing the same now.


I was planning on just talking to her at ork tomorrow to ask her out so I will be showing interest again soon while also being a challenge and unpredictable since I didn't call her, I just don't want to be like every other clingy guy who can't wait to call her. But since she is already into me, it's a fine line since if I play too hard to get, she could pull back and be guarded from now on. What is best in this situation?

Oddly enough, this article on this very site suggests to do EXACTLY what I am doing, though I'm sure it is in the context of street pick up rather than where you see each other daily at work. I would assume the same principles apply.

http://www.sosuave.com/halloffame/133-when-to-call-woman.htm

 

[jnMissouri]

Espi, excellent threads, thank you. In the second thread, post #20, the guy below made a good point which my above post (#4) touched on.

Your goal is to get the girl chasing YOU, and, by initiating contact, this girl is doing just that.

If a girl clearly has high interest, ignoring her will send the wrong message. The tricky thing is that girls will often pretend to be more interested than they are in order to test your neediness. Trust your gut, and when it doubt, slow things down.

Her interest level has been continually increasing, she has been initiating with me more and more at work. She was even jealous of other women in the office I was talking to Friday (not on purpose or flirty, just comparing costumes), but she got wind of it and started following my friends and I around and joining the conversation with each girl I was talking to and trying to nervously/clumsily make it seem like they are taken (you could tell something was going on because her comments and questions to these girls were just out of context, the most likely explanation would be that she was jealous and trying to neg them so I wouldn't be interested, or just flat out giving them the look to stay away).

I'm torn. On one hand I don't want to let the line go slack or risk having her pretend she is not interested on Monday because she feels rejected, or trying to make me jealous, (since I will talk to her on Monday anyways I think the risk of the above - while possible - is low, since I displayed interest Friday by telling her I would talk to her soon, hinting at calling her, and she should have some renewed hope when I talk to her Monday again, and be more receptive since I am sure she is dying to talk to me now) but in the other, she is a HB10, and thus far what I've been doing (****y/funny, withholding info about myself, building anticipation) has been working. No surprise, it seems to work best on the hottest women, whereas with 7's and such I have to tone it down since they are less sure about themselves and less pursued.

Friday I purposely told her I would talk to her soon with the plan of not calling. The goal was to make her think about me when I don't call and pull back, be a challenge, not be predictable. I gave her enough indication Friday that I was interested, just like she has done with me when she has played hot and cold. And just like I started to wonder "what happened, our last interaction was really positive, she was showing a lot if interest and indicating game on and then suddenly cold and I can't stop thinking about her!" I'm certain she is doing the same now that I've pulled back..


I was planning on just talking to her at work tomorrow to ask her out Friday so I will be showing interest again soon while also being a challenge and unpredictable since I didn't call her (hopefully she won't be non receptive because I didn't call/text), I just don't want to be like every other clingy guy who can't wait to call her. But since she is already into me, it's a fine line since if I play too hard to get, she could pull back and be guarded from now on. What is best in this situation? I will eventually text her out of the blue next week, when she doesn't expect it.

Oddly enough, this article on this very site suggests to do EXACTLY what I am doing, though I'm sure it is in the context of street pick up rather than where you see each other daily at work. I would assume the same principles apply.

http://www.sosuave.com/halloffame/133-when-to-call-woman.htm

 

[Harry Wilmington]

(Sigh) It's really not this complicated, guy. Ask her to go out with you some time at the end of a workday - like "Hey, I'm getting a quick bite to eat before I head home, u hungry?" - then take her out and make sure you choose a place that's close to where you live. Talk, be flirty (since she's already being flirty with you), and during the meal mention something interesting at your place that she should "check out some time." If she's feeling the vibe, she'll take that comment and say something like "well, we could check it out after this if there's time;" if not, she'll say something like "sure, that would be great." Either way, it's a way of trying to get her to your house without being so direct since women work best off passive suggestions. Assuming she wants to go to your place, take her there and yada yada yada until you kick her out.

It's this simple. Really - you're in your head too much about this.

With that said, I've done the "Hook up with girl I work with" scenario and, while I don't recommend it, it can be a perfectly fine option if you're not attached to the outcome. Meaning: if it works out, great, but if it doesn't, you're not going to get all heartbroken and act weird around her at work.

 

[jnMissouri]

Your situation seems a little bit out of context in the respect that you work together. That's a bit of a different dynamic.

I would simply stop focusing on her in the workplace. It's like Mystery used to advocate about "isolating the target."

Let's say a guys meets a hot chick in a club. She's likely going to be surrounded with lesser-attractive female friends and beta orbiters; so the key, per Mystery, is for the DJ to establish a brief rapport then invite her to step away from her friends and drink with him in a more private spot.

I can see myself applying that same isolation principle. They key is to not only isolate but ELEVATE her interest.

I'd just be straightforward: "It's getting old talking to you at work. I'd like you to join me for a drink tomorrow night after work at the Rusty Cage. Will you meet me there?"

In my opinion, now having actually paid more attention to your thread, your WAY overdue in asking her to meet you outside of work.

So I should text her now to start moving the interaction out of work? If I text her now, I feel like I somewhat lose control, especially if she doesn’t text back (though I would only text a ****y funny comment not expecting a text in return, only asking her out if she responds and before she can end the interaction first, she runs game like that on me every time, and she doesn't do this with anyone else there). None the less, if I text her and she doesn’t respond, I could still ask her out at work but 1) I will seem to be chasing her 2) it is about time for her to play cold again, and she likely will since texting will be one step forward and time to go two steps back..

If I don’t text her now, I am being unpredictable and a challenge. I’m not being needy. I am showing I have all the time in the world and am in no hurry. I am in control of myself. By not calling her now, she will be thinking about me and why I haven’t called, when I will call, IF I will call. It will create some doubt, while my interaction with her Friday indicated that I was interested and going to call her so as to give her some hope and something to analyze while she wonders why I haven’t called. In any case, it creates anticipation since she doesn’t know what is going to happen next. While other guys would be calling her 10 times a day, I am the one she is thinking about because I am the one that is unavailable, whereas the others are readily available. Also, this way, she is in some doubt (doubt+ hope = passion), and when I ask her out Monday, she should be more receptive since 1) I am reinitiating and she is probably dying to talk to me since her attraction should be up/tension has built 2) she knows I pulled back once already when she blew me off playing hard to get before, and will be less likely to blow me off since it’s an opportunity to interact after not having called her and she won’t be as likely to risk blowing me off so soon again

The risk is that she might 1) think you don’t like her and feel rejected and pull back since she doesn’t want to be rejected and thus might reject me. I don’t think that should be the case here since I was flirting with her Friday and told her I would talk to her soon. She should be analyzing whether you like her or not just like you did when you thought she blew you off…you kept looking at all the interaction, especially the last one since it was positive and wondering what happened.

It's frustrating because the advice here (like the article I posted) is to wait, be unpredictable, and while I think she will respond well to that, it is a different dynamic like you said. Maybe best thing to pay less attention to her at work tomorrow other than light flirting and just text her during the day (or evening?) and go from there. It will be easier to flirt with her via text than at work too.

 

[jnMissouri]

(Sigh) It's really not this complicated, guy. Ask her to go out with you some time at the end of a workday - like "Hey, I'm getting a quick bite to eat before I head home, u hungry?" - then take her out and make sure you choose a place that's close to where you live. Talk, be flirty (since she's already being flirty with you), and during the meal mention something interesting at your place that she should "check out some time." If she's feeling the vibe, she'll take that comment and say something like "well, we could check it out after this if there's time;" if not, she'll say something like "sure, that would be great." Either way, it's a way of trying to get her to your house without being so direct since women work best off passive suggestions. Assuming she wants to go to your place, take her there and yada yada yada until you kick her out.

It's this simple. Really - you're in your head too much about this.

With that said, I've done the "Hook up with girl I work with" scenario and, while I don't recommend it, it can be a perfectly fine option if you're not attached to the outcome. Meaning: if it works out, great, but if it doesn't, you're not going to get all heartbroken and act weird around her at work.

Yeah, do this easily outside of work, but at work I am just out of context/my element. I usually meet women online and F-Close them first date. Doing this at work is a little different.

 

[jnMissouri]

You work together. That's a bit of a different dynamic.

But the same old DJ maxim applies:

In order to keep a girl you have to risk losing her.

Let's say a guy meets a hot chick in a club. She's likely going to be surrounded with lesser-attractive female friends and beta orbiters; so the key, per Mystery, is for the DJ to establish a brief rapport then invite her to step away from her friends and drink with him in a more private spot.

If you never isolate this chick and express interest in her, you're gonna keep being co-workers and nothing more.

I'd just be straightforward: "It's getting old talking to you at work. I'd like you to join me for a drink tomorrow night after work at the Rusty Cage. Will you meet me there?"

If she declines, she becomes a mere co-worker.

If she accepts, she becomes a potentially romantic partner.

A yes or a no is better than staying stuck in neutral.

Thanks for the info. I will isolate her next week (as planned) however; I think there is more to the dynamic to be considered.

She's a 10, guys always are available for her:

Will not texting her today give/keep the control in your side? Yes
Will it be unpredictable (esp since I told her I would TALK to her soon)? Yes
Will it be challenging? Yes
Will it make her wonder if you are interested? Yes



Will texting her today give/keep the control in your side? No
Will it be unpredictable? No
Will it be challenging? No
Will it make her wonder if you are interested? No


Again, I was planning on asking her out per my OP, I'm just wondering if the above tactic I am using is going to increase or decrease her attraction. It seems in THIS specific case you think it's best to bend the rules a little bit. Why is that? Thanks for the feedback/back and forth.

 

[jnMissouri]

Well, I just texted her, so your advice about toning down the attention at work will be crucial, especially if she doesn't respond, I have a feeling she will respond slowly, and only after I tone down the attention at work tomorrow (she has game so she will wait to respond, but if I go cold at work, based on her previous interactions, I think she will likely come forward again. I already feel like I made a mistake for all the reasons I stated above earlier. On the other hand, I am kind of glad I moved it to something outside of work today, so that we have something outside of work. Bah! I still feel like my original plan was better. Now I'M the one waiting to hear from her...

 

[DragonBlood]

Jesus there is too much thinking going on here. Sounds like you ALREADY lost her will all this mind ****ing you are doing to yourself.

Just ask her out and be done with it. Ask out two or three more girls on the way home while you are at it!

 

[jnMissouri]

lol, she just responded to my ****y funny comment, game on. I really need to get over this oneitis. That's what I get for being in a rel up until recently. I sure do miss this.