How to handle cravings of sexual variety within a relationship

[Mahym]

So I've been lurking and it brought me to ask a question.

I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago because I found out he had propositioned an ex-plate (if you will) after she had flirted with him on facebook and offered for them to get together during the weekend that I would be out of town. (I logged onto what I thought was my facebook and came face to face with the message in his messenger)

I confronted him about it and he didn't deny anything, he apologized and told me that it had nothing to do with me or our relationship, but that he has this need for variety. He says that he feels nothing for her (he let her go to be with me when we decided to become exclusive), that it wasn't premeditated and that he just took the opportunity because it was there. He doesn't want to end things between us but he said he would understand if I couldn't deal and that he would deserve it. Although nothing had happened, he said that he couldn't lie and tell me that he wouldn't have had sex with her if she had decided to go along with it (she hadn't given him an answer at the time).

The ironic thing is that I have the higher libido in the relationship, so this isn't due to lack of sex. I'm also more adventurous too. He's told me that he's quite satisfied with our sexual relationship and that this is completely separate from that. Strangely, I'm almost more upset about the fact that he was hiding things from me, rather than by the cheating (perhaps because it hadn't actually happened?)

I've since told him that I need him to give me time to process and we're supposed to talk again at the end of the week. I've done my research since then, I understand that this craving is more common than most women realize. I'm tempted to see if we can salvage the relationship, but I guess I'm just wondering if someone has any personal insights or experiences to share. I don't know that I want or could handle an open relationship, but are there other options? Have you been in this situation? How did you handle it?

Thanks

 

[wifehunter]

Forget about real 'relationships' if you have a problem with this. No one will want a relationship with you if you're having relations with every tom, d!ck, and harry.

Just because you can have, and eat, every cake in the cake store...doesn't mean you should.

 

[HoneyHitter]

Forget about real 'relationships' if you have a problem with this. No one will want a relationship with you if you're having relations with every tom, d!ck, and harry.

Just because you can have, and eat, every cake in the cake store...doesn't mean you should.

Did you even read OP's post?

 

[AJ84]

He was totally honest with you about his interest in sleeping with other women.

Keep that in mind when deciding to continue to emotionally invest in this person as the only reason he even fessed up is because he got caught and now an open relationship option is on the table.

I personally have not experienced an open relationship but the two couples I have known who did this, did it from the beginning, not after a period of exclusivity and emotional investment.

Not sure it that makes a difference but I would imagine it would be harder to go from exclusive to non-exclusive without some erosion of the relationship.

 

[Mahym]

Thanks for your response.

I know that opening up a relationship is not the way to save a failing one, so even IF it were to be on the table it couldn't be now. I wouldn't trust him.

I'm ok with him 'wanting' to sleep with other women, I'm not certain I could be ok with him actually doing it.

I guess I'm wondering if there's another way to repair the damage now that he actually admitted how he feels. He had not spoken of this 'craving' with anyone except his therapist and is ashamed of it and of his behaviour. He seems to want to work things out between us.

 

[AJ84]

Thanks for your response.

I know that opening up a relationship is not the way to save a failing one, so even IF it were to be on the table it couldn't be now. I wouldn't trust him.

I'm ok with him 'wanting' to sleep with other women, I'm not certain I could be ok with him actually doing it.

I guess I'm wondering if there's another way to repair the damage now that he actually admitted how he feels. He had not spoken of this 'craving' with anyone except his therapist and is ashamed of it and of his behaviour. He seems to want to work things out between us.

It's natural to think about sex with another person while in a relationship, men and women do this. The opposite sex doesn't cease to be attractive when we are in relationships. Being ok with him wanting to is fine and not being ok with him actually doing it is fine as well. That's understandable. Thoughts and actions are two different things.
It's good that he is talking about it with you and with his therapist as its a sign that he sees it an an issue. But what I would see as a concern is the fact that he told you he would of slept with her if he had the opportunity. That's a very honest statement I would take at face value.

Both of you may want to look at the state of the relationship and if there was anything that was lacking that perhaps lead to this. Not that I'm blaming but sometimes when stuff like this arises it opens our eyes to what's actually going on in the relationship and can either open the door to improving it or come to the realization that the relationship is not what either person wants and can end on a more healthier term.

It seems that he is open to communicating so perhaps some heart to heart talk will help both of you decide the best next steps.

 

[Mahym]

We're supposed to meet up next week once I've had some time to sort through things. If nothing else, this will have forced us to be honest and open, whatever comes of it.

Thanks for your insight.