How to grab attention?

[The LadyKiller]

Last year, I moved to a new area for work and am having trouble forming a social circle. Because our company is considered more of a campus (thousands of employees) and many of them are my age, our social pool consists of all of them. We are also in a slow area, so trying to find friends out-of-work - with our extreme work hours - isn't possible.

As said before, I need help working myself into a social circle. I have a few friends, but none are especially social (trying to go out to bars, parties, etc.) and they look to me to make things happen. I'm extremely outgoing/talkative and not afraid to take chances. Unfortunately, this hasn't paid off. People will be normal/nice at work, but I'm never invited to go out. I'm no dweeb; I am decent looking with an athletic physique, have a sense of humor and am good at my job. But something isn't there. Even on social media sites, I don't get feedback. I get the feeling that my co-workers see me as one to amuse/entertain and they are cool, but not someone to hang out with.

Recently, I tried gathering some people to go out. One of them suggested I hang out near where he lives because a few of them were going out for drinks after work. I went and was stunned - there were a good number of peers there. And I had no idea this sort of thing took place on a somewhat-regular basis. I've been here a year and this is the first time I was aware of this. At first it appeared as if some of the others were surprised by my presence, but things quickly restored to normal. While the night went well, I was disappointed about how out of the loop I remain.

One solution might be to "rock the boat" in an attempt to move things forward and gain some notoriety among my peers. Normally, I don't offend anyone and try to keep a positive mindset at all times. This might need to change - perhaps time to start being more edgy. Such as...If someone is giving me attitude, I ask them why on the spot, things like that. At the same time, I don't want to make pointed criticism at my peers, but becoming very opinionated might not be bad. If I learn how to do this the right way. I want to draw their reactions!

I realize this is a confusing post, but do you have any advice on how to stay in people's minds more? How to generate reactions rather than general indifference? I want to expend my social circle and have some fun in my new location.

 

[FairShake]

One solution might be to "rock the boat" in an attempt to move things forward and gain some notoriety among my peers. Normally, I don't offend anyone and try to keep a positive mindset at all times. This might need to change - perhaps time to start being more edgy. Such as...If someone is giving me attitude, I ask them why on the spot, things like that. At the same time, I don't want to make pointed criticism at my peers, but becoming very opinionated might not be bad. If I learn how to do this the right way. I want to draw their reactions!

I realize this is a confusing post, but do you have any advice on how to stay in people's minds more? How to generate reactions rather than general indifference? I want to expend my social circle and have some fun in my new location.

The idea is to connect with them, not put them on edge. I think you need to have somewhat deeper conversations. Not too deep at first or with everyone but deeper than you are getting. Find some commonalities that you share with them. Some goals, some pastimes, some opinions, some history. Even little things.

Honestly people like other people with more similiarities than differences. They like some differences but not too much. That's why you don't get along with EVERYONE. Just the people like you. Who really wants to disagree all the time? Especially at happy hour! No, see what you guys have in common.

 

[The LadyKiller]

The idea is to connect with them, not put them on edge. I think you need to have somewhat deeper conversations. Not too deep at first or with everyone but deeper than you are getting. Find some commonalities that you share with them. Some goals, some pastimes, some opinions, some history. Even little things.

Honestly people like other people with more similiarities than differences. They like some differences but not too much. That's why you don't get along with EVERYONE. Just the people like you. Who really wants to disagree all the time? Especially at happy hour! No, see what you guys have in common.

Thanks FairShake. I agree, that is a good plan. I should have included one other tidbit: While your idea is spot-on, a lot of my peers come off rather protective, at least towards me. They're nice and civil and happy to small talk, but the second I cross that line, they shut down. I can continue to work on this, but the "crossing the line" is the problem I run into when trying to get to know my co-workers better.

It was why I suggested "rocking the boat" although that's not an ideal strategy.

 

[The LadyKiller]

Perfect example update: I went back home for July 4. It's a couple of hours away from my work - about 2 hours - and I was able to spend time with family. But one reason I went home was because I didn't hear about any big July 4 parties with people from work. I asked around, but people said they were working (our company is open 24-7 and a lot of people work holidays)...

...lo and behold, of course there was a party last night. My Twitter account is packed with people commenting about it.

While these people weren't my best buds, they're people I know and get along well with. One of the guys was the same one who invited me out a few weeks ago.

This is exactly what the problem has been. I get along fine with people at work, but everyone will say "nothing" is going on. And what happens? Party. I've been working here a year and been to 2 parties, so there's definitely been more going on. How do I change whatever perception of myself is out there? I don't even know what it would be!

 

[FairShake]

Are you sure you get along with them?

I used to think I was everyone's best friend too. But my co-workers never invited me out. Mostly because I was came across as racist, sexist, obnoxious, vulgar, inconsiderate, and a know-it-all.

I found out because I asked. Most people will be happy to point out your flaws if you have noticeable ones. Then I humbled myself and became "less." It worked wonders for me.

Just a possibility.

 

[The LadyKiller]

Are you sure you get along with them?

I used to think I was everyone's best friend too. But my co-workers never invited me out. Mostly because I was came across as racist, sexist, obnoxious, vulgar, inconsiderate, and a know-it-all.

I found out because I asked. Most people will be happy to point out your flaws if you have noticeable ones. Then I humbled myself and became "less." It worked wonders for me.

Just a possibility.

It's a good thought. In my case, however, I'm going to have to ask. No one is tipping their hand voluntarily. I figure I'd have to pull someone I get along with (who has ties to the "popular" group) aside and get the low down.

Like you suggest, I think something is up and want to fix whatever that perception is.

 

[FairShake]

I think asking is a good idea.

I personally knew but I wasn't aware to the extent that people held me negatively.

EDIT: One little hint. Being weird and different but a mellow weird and different was my key. I still have weird and odd opinions and reactions but I don't put them in peoples' faces as much. Plus I can behave quietly normal around people before I really connect with them. Once I do connect with them I can be weird but keep it mellow.

 

[The LadyKiller]

I can take a guess as to what my negative perception is; my peers think I'm arrogant. Being very upbeat/talkative, etc. + me being curiously calm/collected going into tough assignments that they would dread + our superiors have said I do a good job = peers rooting for me to fail. This is a complete guess and I will make it a point to ask a friend familiar with the "majority's" thinking tomorrow about what the real perception is. I want to know what the problem is once and for all, since I will be here awhile.

Thanks for the hint. Mellowing down might be part of the solution, but we will see.

 

[The LadyKiller]

I think asking is a good idea.

I personally knew but I wasn't aware to the extent that people held me negatively.

It's been a few weeks, but I went ahead and tried this. I went to one of my friends who is well-connected with girls and the "popular" clique at work.

Unfortunately, he is not aware of any perception going around about me - and he is not afraid to be honest if there was something. He suggests that maybe it's the girls who are in the wrong; he feels they're an entitled bunch who act snobby more than they should.

I know it's not all in my head. So maybe it's something only the girls know?

 

[Zerro]

He suggests that maybe it's the girls who are in the wrong; he feels they're an entitled bunch who act snobby more than they should.

That is probably it right there. At my work for some reason it's only the older women who are cool and friendly with me, the younger ones have gotten to be pretty snobby and cold for who the hell knows what reason. Really I don't care anymore, the young ones are pretty useless for furthering my career anyway and I get enough action outside of work now that I'm not tempted to screw around within the company.