How to get rid of approach anxiety

[legolas]

I had a moment of insight recently. All the problems we're facing with women are NOT usually the problem, they are just symptoms of the problem. What this means is the problem itself (i.e. approach anxiety) is really the effect NOT the cause. The cause is usually a mental pattern, a set of steps that we go through in our minds that leads us to have the problem (approach anxiety). Becoming aware of this pattern is the first step to dealing with it. The question that has bothered me for a long time is: Why do we have approach anxiety?? What is there to be anxious about?

I mean right now 99% of you out there have no problem approaching a stranger who works in a store, even a high-end store, and ask a question or even have a conversation. The stranger can be both male or female and in any age range. Right now 99% of you have no problem approaching a stranger on the street when you're lost and need directions. (Ok I know guys hate to ask for directions but stay with me here) This person could be a guy or a girl, even a really hot girl.

What is different when it comes to approaching a girl in a bar?

You should ponder this question for yourself and see what you get. I'm posting my thought process here as guidance.

So one of the things that I think is different is the purpose of the approach. On the first and second case, I'm approaching to ask a question but my purpose is to get more information about something else and NOT the person themselves. Thus the person is irrelevant. Also I'm not exposing myself to the possibility of being judged (I'm just lost or looking to buy something) On the third scenario I'm approaching the girl so I can get her number and/or ask her out and there is a HUGE possibility of me being judged negatively, or even ridiculed (again this is my thought process) I may have experienced this in the past and my mind doesn't want to expose me to the same mental anguish and pain.

But again this makes me wonder. Why would I be judged in this situation? What are the prerequisites for being judged so harshly? I mean how am I setting myself up to be judged? What kind of judgment warrants ridicule? Am I blowing this up out of proportion or is there something else to it. This sounds like another symptom and I need to dig deeper to find the mental process that is getting me there.

So I backtrack down the rabbit hole. The only way I could be judged or ridiculed is if I was doing some kind of performance. Boom I just hit another big one. Am I considering approaching a girl like some kind of performance, some kind of show that I do so I can impress her and impress the onlookers? Then it hits me, when I approach a girl I"m going in with the mindset of "I have to say something that will blow her away or risk being considered a nobody!" No wonder I have jitters...I'm going in for a performance!! I also realized that one of the things I do with girls is try to figure out a lot of things about them with just one look. Meaning I'm doing a cold-read without ever meeting the person! This leaves me exposed to the well-known halo effect and it causes me to judge them prematurely and dismiss the "sl*tty looking" ones while being almost in awe of the beautiful ones.

 

[ExcelNPrevail]

Good Explanation. I for one like it.

But, AA as much as a big deal that we make it seem to be....just really isn't. Its a false belief within itself to even fear of the approach. It really is.

I mean think about....You look at a girl you want to approach, your scared as hell, you think of what to say what to do...but one of these days you'll break that AA shield and unleash your full potential.

And once you break that shield you'll finally see how stupid fear of the approach is. While its completely understandable.. why we fear it......its just so false, its like a f***kin illusion.
For me there were no "words of encouragement", I didn't attend a bootcamp to get over it. I did it solo.

:box:

 

[Lexington]

Another thing I've noticed about approach anxiety is that it is a symptom of an underlying fear of failure in general. It doesn't only apply to girls.

Have any of you ever talked yourself out of certain goals that are very possible but difficult? I certainly have. In the past I'd shoot vaguely for "high grades" because I was too afraid to set something as lofty as straight As.

With girls and with life in general, you simply have to make peace with the fact that you might not succeed. Of course, you should proceed with the determination to succeed, but you will always risk failure. But rather than focusing on the possibility of failure, accept it and keep your focus on attaining the goal.

 

[legolas]

Another thing I've noticed about approach anxiety is that it is a symptom of an underlying fear of failure in general. It doesn't only apply to girls.

You bring up a good point, but I think fear of failure in itself is really fear of being judged and/or fear of being embarrassed. There is a particular attitude or mindset which causes ALL the problems with fear of failure and other fears. You could only have AA if you do a few things in your head:

1. You place way too much importance and emotional value on the interaction BEFORE anything has ever developed. This causes way too much pressure to perform and you get anxiety.

2. You've placed way too much of your own self-worth on the line as if this one conversation will make you or break you. What's funny is if the situation turns out positive, you'll get a small boost of confidence which usually evaporates when you being to worry about what the next step is.

3. You've developed an emotional attachment to the outcome and now even if you move forward despite the fear, you'll have to do a lot of wound licking to heal the emotional "scars" left from the rejections.

Usually the approach to fixing AA is to simply go and do it and hope that with time you stop caring about rejections. This is known in psychology as systematic desensitization. It kinda works....sometimes

The better approach is to simply reframe the experience as learning instead of performance. That way failure is only feedback.