How to get over approach anxiety?

[Magnatolia]

Hi all,

When a situation is perfect or an opportunity happens, I can usually say something. So this weekend I'm at the bar and I turn to my left, nice looking girl so I say 'hey hows your night going?'. Her response was short but at least I opened. Then a while later I'm talking to a female friend and at the table next to us is an attractive girl sitting by herself. I did freeze for about 10-20 seconds then turned and asked how her night was going. Got about a 20 minute convo between the 3 of us. Her bf was the guitarist of the band so no go zone lol.

So that was rare, I normally can't get into the right state where I just talk to girls. I've had probably 3 nights where I've been so in state that I talk to loads of girls. One night I said hello to about 10-20 girls, most of them gave me a polite response back to which I normally leave. Probably not a good idea but I just expect a girl to say something like 'good hows yours going?' but if they just tell me their night is good I sense that is disinterest.

It's not even really appraoch anxiety as the thoughts are not 'what if she rejects me'. But more like 'what if she finds me boring' or 'other people might think I'm an idiot'.

So yeah I'm looking for ways to get in state, to be completely comfortable and confident. What can you recommend?

 

[bachelor]

To get over AA you need to keep approaching. Approach sets even if you don't want to. Open for the sake of opening. Before I even go to the club, I usually open street sets. I like to do 2-3 warm up sets before I even start warming up. Once you get a solid hook, you will be glad that you were opening!

 

[ready123]

I normally can't get into the right state where I just talk to girls. I've had probably 3 nights where I've been so in state that I talk to loads of girls. One night I said hello to about 10-20 girls, most of them gave me a polite response back to which I normally leave. Probably not a good idea but I just expect a girl to say something like 'good hows yours going?' but if they just tell me their night is good I sense that is disinterest.

It's not even really appraoch anxiety as the thoughts are not 'what if she rejects me'. But more like 'what if she finds me boring' or 'other people might think I'm an idiot'.

So yeah I'm looking for ways to get in state, to be completely comfortable and confident. What can you recommend?

first, your thoughts are just more subtle forms of rejection, so you ARE worrying about rejection

second, the thing about state is you can't worry about it. if you're not in state, there's nothing you can really do in the moment. over time if you make an effort to have fun and get outside your head, you'll get back into state

approach anxiety is something you get over through barreling through despite the negative emotion and doing it over and over. eventually your mind reframes the experience as something to not give a sht about

and the other thing is you're giving up too easily. you're trying to look for IOI's from the jump and blowing yourself out by letting your state be attached to her initial reaction. use the 3 minute rule. she's allowed to be indifferent or *****y for the first 3 minutes after the opener. you just keep plowing through. with some of these girls you're gonna turn them around

 

[r0cky]

Go here for getting in state: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=150083

Go here to help you with your AA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlIrvu78NO0

 

[ketostix]

first, your thoughts are just more subtle forms of rejection, so you ARE worrying about rejection

second, the thing about state is you can't worry about it. if you're not in state, there's nothing you can really do in the moment. over time if you make an effort to have fun and get outside your head, you'll get back into state

approach anxiety is something you get over through barreling through despite the negative emotion and doing it over and over. eventually your mind reframes the experience as something to not give a sht about

and the other thing is you're giving up too easily. you're trying to look for IOI's from the jump and blowing yourself out by letting your state be attached to her initial reaction. use the 3 minute rule. she's allowed to be indifferent or *****y for the first 3 minutes after the opener. you just keep plowing through. with some of these girls you're gonna turn them around

This is excellent advice. Also I think your conditioning yourself to give up on an approach too soon. Not receiving obvious IOI's is not the same thing as receiving IOD's especially within the first few minutes. Of course if you keep recieving indicators of disinterest you should eject. Just approaching usually isn't enough to seal the deal. You have to reach hook point. Take a sort of "make the h0 say no" Gunwitch approach. Eventually you'll learn through practice from pushing sets as far as they'll go when you should give them up or when you have a live one to reel in.

 

[faiNt`]

Pretty much only thing you can do to get over it is DOING IT. That's the bottom line really. You want to get better at ANYTHING you REPEAT THE ACTION until you reach the desired "level" if you will.

 

[trd323]

You never get rid of AA completley, but the difference between a confident man and someone that is new to women is that the Approach anxiety is why you approach.

The butterflies in the stomach and all the "weird" emotions you feel when you see an attractive girl is the feeling that you wait all week or all day for, that girl that takes your breath away is the most exciting feeling I get.
And that is why I approach

 

[Magnatolia]

Ok but the thing is my AA literally stops me dead in my tracks. I completely freeze up. Now, if I'm at the bar getting a drink and a girl rocks up next to me I can just pivot smile and ask how her nights going. I don't panic, don't think about it because it's a .5 second thought process.

Different story when I see a girl and want to approach. It's like a 3+ second thought process and my mind can fire off lots of thoughts and actions in that timeframe.

So yeah its all very well to just do it, but its a bit hard when your body literally stops. I've had situations where I've literally walked towards a girl, walked away, walked towards her lol.

Plus I never know what to say after she tells me how her night is. What then? Do I just pick a random topic out of the air and start with that (avoiding cliques like weather of course).

What sort of topics do you usually go for until the conversation starts flowing? Once the conversation gets into that stage I'm set. Or if I'm chatting to a really outoing bubbly girl. I've got friends like that and we can talk for ages.

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

Ok but the thing is my AA literally stops me dead in my tracks. I completely freeze up. Now, if I'm at the bar getting a drink and a girl rocks up next to me I can just pivot smile and ask how her nights going. I don't panic, don't think about it because it's a .5 second thought process.

Ur brain knows that there isn't really a risk of rejection or ego. Ur brain can relax. Thats prolly why ur not afraid, u know that she is friendly.

Different story when I see a girl and want to approach. It's like a 3+ second thought process and my mind can fire off lots of thoughts and actions in that timeframe.

Ur brain is def considering "Flight" rather than fight. Ur stopping, because ur prossibly very afraid of her reaction or that u might not be able to handle the rejection associated with it. Don't let those 3+ seconds of negative thoughts seduce you, as there are a million more reasons ur brain will tell u of why to not step over there.

So yeah its all very well to just do it, but its a bit hard when your body literally stops. I've had situations where I've literally walked towards a girl, walked away, walked towards her lol.

Don't worry, i've been there too.haha. Its all in ur head. The feelings u feel when ur anxious to approach, its all in ur head. Its not reality. Only what u see is reality, not how u feel...as what would happen. Also, don't try to "resist" the fear, as it'll only get stronger if ur fighting. Work "With" it. meaning that talk to urself of why its ok to be nervous and that this situation u can handle all the accomplishments to the game that will help. Take in the nervousness and then u'll get through it.

Plus I never know what to say after she tells me how her night is. What then? Do I just pick a random topic out of the air and start with that (avoiding cliques like weather of course).

What sort of topics do you usually go for until the conversation starts flowing? Once the conversation gets into that stage I'm set. Or if I'm chatting to a really outoing bubbly girl. I've got friends like that and we can talk for ages.

There's lots to talk about that u can come up with at the night time. But its prolly that its not that u don't know what to say, its that u might be afraid of if u say something, she'll lose interest. Def remember dude, as long as u keep talking and keep going, ur fine. Remember, ur at the club or bar: u can go into:

The bar, if u know anyone here, how long u've been there, how long she's been there, her first experience at the bar, the music they usually play, the staff, who she is, about how sexy she is to you(No joke, but got to be done right. Girls only like being told they're sexy when u mean it and u look them right in the eyes), many more topics. Just make sure u say them with enthusiam as to not bore her, also....touch more at night too, as the verbals are useless if u dont' do non-verbals, and also...let her to talk and have a fun vibe about u. good luck!

 

[AllInADaysWork]

In all honesty, look down at your lonely **** and tell it the depression ends now.

You don't get over it, just rush it head on and let the flow of the conversation take its course. Mention something shes picking up or buying, or ask her for advice about something around the area/product which would propel the conversation. If shes interested, usually the women will help the conversation flow (if its coming off rough). If not you could always keep it short and simple asking for her number. Something along the lines of:

"Hey, you look really cute and would like to get to know you better. Can I have your number?"

Make sure you say this in pace and not like some bumbling idiot umm and awwhhh every two words. Everything in moderation.