How to frame myself upon reintroduction

[mister.ritenow]

THE PAST: To make a very long story short, I started to have feelings for a long-time friend and decided to tell her despite differing opinions on how to proceed, which I’m glad I did because I needed to get that off my chest to get closure. She reacted really well for a rejection and was considerate, but ultimately fed me the usual lines about how she isn’t ready for a relationship, thinks I’m a great guy, doesn’t want to hurt me, wants to stay good friends, she feels so bad etc. Strangely, she never said she sees me as just a friend or that she isn't attracted to me, and actually seemed turned on when I told her I am attracted to her.

So I tell her I respect her decision and I start the process of moving on (date others, focus on my health, focus on work). For the next 2-3 weeks we are still in contact but noticeably diminished, which was good because I was starting to get used to the situation and didn’t have the pressure of catching feelings during a hangout. It was nice to know that she wasn’t creeped out enough to abandon our friendship (which means something to me, as we are good friends and colleagues), and that she was giving me enough space to move on.

THE PRESENT: Now, we are closing in on week 4 and we are sitting on different footing. I’ve managed to lose upwards of 25 pounds since a couple weeks before spilling the beans (wrestling habits die hard) and have managed to go on a few dates as work permits, obtaining some promising leads on plates to be spun. Confidence rising, Oneitis decreasing, then all of a sudden comes this past weekend...

As of a few days ago she is contacting me more and more, sending text messages 2-3x the length I have grown accustomed to and wants to get together for dinner later in the week. Usually when I flake on a text because I’m busy at work or playing head games, she just lets it be or doesn’t follow-up, but now she pushes the envelope, responds quickly and is more playful than usual. Basically, she is acting like she did before I told her how I felt, maybe even more available.

THE PROBLEM: I was just making progress crawling my way out of this oneitis and these glimmers of hope, albeit understood for what they very well may be, are dangerous to my ability to move forward. Assuming I’m not going to bail on our friendship in the absence of a physical relationship (save your breath, I’m not one of those posters who isn’t capable of having female friends) because we’ve been close for years and I value the relationship, both personally and professionally (business relationship), how should I navigate this situation? I’m not as attached as I was, but would nonetheless follow an opportunity to get physical.

QUESTION: Regardless of your theory on why she is making such a strong comeback (I’d love to know your experiences/thoughts with this), what can I do to maximize my reintroduction and frame myself as the most desirable version of myself that is possible when we go out to dinner? Who knows, maybe my detachment from the outcome I wanted will make me appear like less of a safe option? What would you do if you wanted to maintain control but still keep the avenue open.

Sorry for the novel, but you guy are usually good advisors when I am trying to stay focused. Your responses are much appreciated in advance.

 

[ZTIME]

I agree with ruler and you having a classic case of oneitis. However, if you choose to run from this one girl, you'll just end up having the same problem with the next one. The trick is to change your mindset and gain confidence.

So you had a friend that you now want to fvck. So what? One of 2 things will happen. You'll fvck her or you won't. Nothing more and nothing less. Now you'll need to adjust your frame. Here's a couple of pointers.

Go to the damn dinner. But if you're having text conversations with this chick, make sure you tell her in a funny way to bring her wallet, or that you're an expensive date. Anything that makes her realize she's going to be spending money. If the dinner is still on....fine.

Don't mention your weight loss or anything like that. If she brings it up: usually "you look great, what have you been doing". Just say thanks and I've been drinking milk. Smile and move on.

During dinner conversation, often drop hints about having sex, always in a playful manner, but always look and listen for her reaction. You'll know if she's changed her mind. Make it very clear that you are pursuing an FB relationship.

At the end of dinner Don't you dare foot the whole bill!! Either ask her to go to your place or to a bar for a couple of ****tails. If she goes, she still has interest even after you've been clearly hitting on her. This means that you have now changed the dynamic of how she thinks about you. If she says no I've got to go or I have to work tomorrow, you say "Cool, No Problem", say goodnight, and never call or text again.

Don't let sh*t like this control your life. You're 25 and have just lost 25lbs!! keep working out, getting fit, and gaining confidence. And understand that when it comes to women you're either going to get a yes or no. Nothing more nothing less, so don't sweat it.

Good luck and if you do end up going I'd love to hear what happened, so please keep us updated.

 

[gravityeyelids]

I'm gonna disagree with the majority here and say that you've handled the situation relatively well and you have a decent mindset on this one.

I had a similar situation where i just blantantly told this girl i was friends with. I knew i wouldn't get her, i just told her to clear the air, and after that we really never mentioned it and we're still really good friends and she's dated a couple of my good friends and i don't have any feelings for her.

In your case, I say go for it but proceed with caution. You MUST keep your frame that you've been developing. ASSUME that it won't work out, and be skeptical of her quality. SHE is chasing you, so make her the one who has to prove herself worthy to you.

What you need to do is feel it out. Realize that you've made yourself into a man with options whom women find attractive, and then re-evaluate her from this perspective. Question what it is that attracted you to her, objectively evaluate the things that you dislike about her and amplify those in your head to make up for any clouding of your judgement that your feelings for her have created.

You need to feel her out and make sure this is what you want to do. If you do decide to try to get physical:

Much like any other seduction, you need to strike a very precious balance between sexual/dominant and laidback indifference. Dinner is kinda awkward and not always the best option. Maybe suggest a more action-oriented date where you can mess with her and work up some kino. Kino without being overly aggressive/creepy is your strongest weapon to get out of any potential friend zone. You need to completely distance yourself from the old AFC neediness and maintain an air of calm indifference towards her. But you also need to make her aware that you are a sexual man that will go after what he wants. But don't be too forward. Be playful and touchy but let the tension for the kiss build up so fvcking high that she just basically grabs your face and makes out with you.

I'm talking let your lips get within less than an inch of hers but don't kiss. Do this multiple times if you can swing it, and play it off like you're not even aware of what you're doing.

 

[mister.ritenow]

Thanks for your advice guys, much appreciated as always. Im just going to stay on the path to plate spinning and keep the fitness gains coming and we'll see what happens. Who knows, by the time she comes around, if ever, I might not even want it.

Anywho, dinner is Thursday night, I'll pop back in and keep you posted!

 

[mister.ritenow]

UPDATE: eagerly texted/messaged me all day, and moved dinner up to tomorrow.

Stay tuned for melancholy update regarding how bad this will hurt lol.

 

[mister.ritenow]

Hey all,

You guys asked for an update so here I am.

The dinner went much better than I thought, but not perfect. It was the first time we had seen each other since I told her the truth and she didn't seem creeped out at all about what had happened. We had a great time, chugged some good food and made some plans to hang out on Saturday AND next week, all her idea. In fact, she seems eager to keep hanging out.

During dinner, as well as in our conversations over the last few weeks, she is no longer mentioning other dates. I didn't mention mine either, which was probably a mistake but I told her I couldn't make dinner another night because I had plans (tactical lie haha). Maybe she is sparing my feelings or maybe she is coming around, only time will tell.

I did a much better job of showing my indifference, and that in combination with the fact that I look noticeably better appears to have sparked her interest a bit more. She kept texting me the night of dinner and most of the next day, while I was careful to tailor the length and timing of my replies.

Not sure where this is going to lead or if I'll come to regret this, but it's good to have her back in my life. If I can stay focused on being detached from the outcome, maybe this won't be as hard as I had thought. After all, I'm fitting in clothes from a couple years ago and will probably have some new plates spinning momentarily.

Either way, as long as I respect myself and don't get used, I'm confident I can move on with either result. Like somebody said above, it's either a yes or a no. I'll just focus on the things I can control.

Thanks for all the support guys, even if you think I'm beta lol.

 

[mister.ritenow]

oops, double post... good luck getting through this work day to the weekend!

 

[Wisconsin144]

Op Read Now

Do NOT, I repeat, NOT. Go for this woman, sounds identical to my recent relationship that broke me into ending up on sosuave (Which is kind of a blessing but you know). If she didn't want you then, she doesn't deserve you now, drop her ass and move toward other girls. She'll just play your head if you make any moves, guaranteed.

 

[Infern0]

THE PAST: To make a very long story short, I started to have feelings for a long-time friend and decided to tell her despite differing opinions on how to proceed, which I’m glad I did because I needed to get that off my chest to get closure. She reacted really well for a rejection and was considerate, but ultimately fed me the usual lines about how she isn’t ready for a relationship, thinks I’m a great guy, doesn’t want to hurt me, wants to stay good friends, she feels so bad etc. Strangely, she never said she sees me as just a friend or that she isn't attracted to me, and actually seemed turned on when I told her I am attracted to her.

So I tell her I respect her decision and I start the process of moving on (date others, focus on my health, focus on work). For the next 2-3 weeks we are still in contact but noticeably diminished, which was good because I was starting to get used to the situation and didn’t have the pressure of catching feelings during a hangout. It was nice to know that she wasn’t creeped out enough to abandon our friendship (which means something to me, as we are good friends and colleagues), and that she was giving me enough space to move on.

THE PRESENT: Now, we are closing in on week 4 and we are sitting on different footing. I’ve managed to lose upwards of 25 pounds since a couple weeks before spilling the beans (wrestling habits die hard) and have managed to go on a few dates as work permits, obtaining some promising leads on plates to be spun. Confidence rising, Oneitis decreasing, then all of a sudden comes this past weekend...

As of a few days ago she is contacting me more and more, sending text messages 2-3x the length I have grown accustomed to and wants to get together for dinner later in the week. Usually when I flake on a text because I’m busy at work or playing head games, she just lets it be or doesn’t follow-up, but now she pushes the envelope, responds quickly and is more playful than usual. Basically, she is acting like she did before I told her how I felt, maybe even more available.

THE PROBLEM: I was just making progress crawling my way out of this oneitis and these glimmers of hope, albeit understood for what they very well may be, are dangerous to my ability to move forward. Assuming I’m not going to bail on our friendship in the absence of a physical relationship (save your breath, I’m not one of those posters who isn’t capable of having female friends) because we’ve been close for years and I value the relationship, both personally and professionally (business relationship), how should I navigate this situation? I’m not as attached as I was, but would nonetheless follow an opportunity to get physical.

QUESTION: Regardless of your theory on why she is making such a strong comeback (I’d love to know your experiences/thoughts with this), what can I do to maximize my reintroduction and frame myself as the most desirable version of myself that is possible when we go out to dinner? Who knows, maybe my detachment from the outcome I wanted will make me appear like less of a safe option? What would you do if you wanted to maintain control but still keep the avenue open.

Sorry for the novel, but you guy are usually good advisors when I am trying to stay focused. Your responses are much appreciated in advance.

You don't want her as a female "friend" so stop with that BS right now.

Set an evening date, go out and make a move and stop dancing around like some girly man.

If you get rejected "Hey i like you but not interested in friendship so give me a call if you change your mind" then walk.

I actually think as long as you act like a man, you can seal the deal very easily here.

*Edit, just read your update....

yeah, you are pretty much toast at this point. Sorry.