Ok, apparently I have no social awareness. I met up with a girl over the weekend at a club and apparently she didn't want me to show up (she was with her friends). She didn't tell me not to come but I couldn't tell that she didn't want me too. Anyway I went, made her uncomfortable, her friends didn't like me and acted hostile towards me. Now she doesn't act anywhere the same as before. I know all this because I had a talk with her, needed to know if it was something I caused (better to know than be ignorant, right?). Now, I doubt she's interested in me because making her uncomfortable had to of killed all attraction (assuming any existed before). I might hit her up in the future but I definitely need to give her some space. But thats beside the point, what I need to know is how do I fix my social incompetence? I need to do this if I want to have any success in the future with women (this is probably where all my problems are).
"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"
Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."
You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.
She's been waiting forty minutes.
Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.
How to fix social ineptness?
- Thread starter Kal0051
- Start date
"Nervous Around Beautiful Women? There's a Rule for That"
I could talk to any woman I wasn't attracted to. Charming, funny, relaxed. Then a gorgeous woman looked my way and I'd become a sweating, babbling mess.
The fix took me years to find and ten minutes to learn. Nervousness and excitement are the same physical state — pounding heart, adrenaline, flushed face. Your brain just picks the label. And you can pick a better one.
Rule 16 shows you how. You feel the nerves, relabel them as excitement, and let that energy pour out as enthusiasm. Women notice the guy radiating it. They always do.
Sir_Turtle
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Best solution that I've ever heard and one that i use to help myself. Talk to everyone. You want to get good at talking and entertaining? practice. every time you get into an interaction with someone talk to them.
Learn to pick up on subtle hints on when people don't want to talk, get a feel for whats normally friendly and whats overkill.
learn to break off a conversation before it goes down hill. Learn how to be goal oriented.
Learn to pick up on natural opportunities to talk, when someone makes a comment near you.
TALK to EVERYONE even the "socially awkward/ugly" people you'd rather not talk to, when they do and say things that make you uncomfortable you can learn from that and NOT do those things
The best way to get better at interactions with people is to interact with people.
Remember,girls are people, getter better with people and you'll get better with girls.
Learn to pick up on subtle hints on when people don't want to talk, get a feel for whats normally friendly and whats overkill.
learn to break off a conversation before it goes down hill. Learn how to be goal oriented.
Learn to pick up on natural opportunities to talk, when someone makes a comment near you.
TALK to EVERYONE even the "socially awkward/ugly" people you'd rather not talk to, when they do and say things that make you uncomfortable you can learn from that and NOT do those things
The best way to get better at interactions with people is to interact with people.
Remember,girls are people, getter better with people and you'll get better with girls.
I know most of that, what I meant was that I couldn't pick up on the fact she didn't want me there (although at first she was enthusiastic about introducing me to her friends). And I didn't realize I was making her uncomfortable.
Jazzman19
Don Juan
I know what that is like Kal0051, I have some of the same problems. My biggest issues are not stopping a conversation topic when it should be stopped, and not sensing when someone is giving off the "please walk away so I don't have to be rude and tell you to walk away" vibe.
I am going to ask an honest question- did you have a lot of friends growing up? I did not, from 13-18 years old. I had issues with OCD/Anxiety, and my friends didn't know how to deal with how the disease made me act before I got it under control. Because of this I became a bit withdrawn, pretty much afraid of being "hurt" by people. What got me out was my ex-fiancee of all people. She loved who I was as a person, and worked with me on my social issues.
Since we were engaged for one year, from when I was 17-18 years old, she made a point to MAKE me socialize. When I did, she would point out in a polite way when I was acting social "inept" in certain situations. By doing that, she broke me of a lot of bad habits. The only two I haven't broken are the ones I listed earlier; the first because I love to just talk to people as much as I can, and the second because I don't always pay close attention. Perhaps a buddy who is socially gifted and is easy-going with you might help as a "wingman" in this situations?
I am going to ask an honest question- did you have a lot of friends growing up? I did not, from 13-18 years old. I had issues with OCD/Anxiety, and my friends didn't know how to deal with how the disease made me act before I got it under control. Because of this I became a bit withdrawn, pretty much afraid of being "hurt" by people. What got me out was my ex-fiancee of all people. She loved who I was as a person, and worked with me on my social issues.
Since we were engaged for one year, from when I was 17-18 years old, she made a point to MAKE me socialize. When I did, she would point out in a polite way when I was acting social "inept" in certain situations. By doing that, she broke me of a lot of bad habits. The only two I haven't broken are the ones I listed earlier; the first because I love to just talk to people as much as I can, and the second because I don't always pay close attention. Perhaps a buddy who is socially gifted and is easy-going with you might help as a "wingman" in this situations?
I don't have the same problems as you. My problem was just that at the time I didn't realize things that I do now. She said she's fine with it and only told me because I asked but who knows because she's "confused".Jazzman19 said:I know what that is like Kal0051, I have some of the same problems. My biggest issues are not stopping a conversation topic when it should be stopped, and not sensing when someone is giving off the "please walk away so I don't have to be rude and tell you to walk away" vibe.
I am going to ask an honest question- did you have a lot of friends growing up? I did not, from 13-18 years old. I had issues with OCD/Anxiety, and my friends didn't know how to deal with how the disease made me act before I got it under control. Because of this I became a bit withdrawn, pretty much afraid of being "hurt" by people. What got me out was my ex-fiancee of all people. She loved who I was as a person, and worked with me on my social issues.
Since we were engaged for one year, from when I was 17-18 years old, she made a point to MAKE me socialize. When I did, she would point out in a polite way when I was acting social "inept" in certain situations. By doing that, she broke me of a lot of bad habits. The only two I haven't broken are the ones I listed earlier; the first because I love to just talk to people as much as I can, and the second because I don't always pay close attention. Perhaps a buddy who is socially gifted and is easy-going with you might help as a "wingman" in this situations?
"She Liked You in March. It's October Now."
Attraction runs on a clock.
She flirted for weeks. Touched your arm. Found reasons to be alone with you. And you were careful. Respectful. Waiting for the right moment.
The moment had a shelf life. It expired around month two, and by the time you asked her out, she'd quietly filed you under "little brother."
One of the hardest lessons inside the 22 Rules: women rarely wait. Interest either grows or it decays, and nothing decays it faster than a man who never moves.
Make the move while she's still inventing reasons to be near you.
Jazzman19
Don Juan
Ah ok, no problem then. I will bow out and let another answer this, since its an area I am not familiar with. Good luck though!
Mr_rogers
Senior Don Juan
Yeah, I totally can relate with the OP. Asperger's Syndrome sucks.
Luke Skywalker
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Why don't you go into detail about how things broke down on your social failure. What happened? Were you just a stiff / low - energy there and just killed a vibe? Or how exactly did it fall apart? Are you an introvert?
This is exactly the reason why I hate people sometimes.
This is exactly the reason why I hate people sometimes.
"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"
Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."
You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.
She's been waiting forty minutes.
Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.
I'm assuming your talking about this specific incident. Well, there were 2 things. One, I didn't get the hint that she didn't want me to go, she's not the type of person to just say no. And two, I didn't see that I was making her a little comfortable which in turn caused some of her friends to act hostile towards me, and they then tried to keep her away from me. I should have seen both of those things (I can now) and just not have gone or left when I overstayed my welcome.Luke Skywalker said:Why don't you go into detail about how things broke down on your social failure. What happened? Were you just a stiff / low - energy there and just killed a vibe? Or how exactly did it fall apart? Are you an introvert?
This is exactly the reason why I hate people sometimes.
Luke Skywalker
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How long were you interacting with her? 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 1 hour, a few hours?Kal0051 said:I'm assuming your talking about this specific incident. Well, there were 2 things. One, I didn't get the hint that she didn't want me to go, she's not the type of person to just say no. And two, I didn't see that I was making her a little comfortable which in turn caused some of her friends to act hostile towards me, and they then tried to keep her away from me. I should have seen both of those things (I can now) and just not have gone or left when I overstayed my welcome.
And the middle age social retard gives advice.Luke Skywalker said:How long were you interacting with her? 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 1 hour, a few hours?
This old guy, Luke Skywalker has a very bad reputation. Lives at home with parents, virgin, chooses not to have friends... etc. You've been warned should you want to take his advice.
lol, not really looking for advice on this subject, not really something someone can help with by giving simple advice. I just answered his question.Alle_Gory said:And the middle age social retard gives advice...
Kal, watch out who you listen to buddy.
O.K. Back up a step or two. The question you should be asking is, why didnt she want you to be there in the first place?
As far as being clueless goes; just get in the habit of always being aware of others reactions. We naturally know how to read body language. If they are showing negativity towards you, then, you need to give them value. Tell a story or a joke, buy a round of shots, something. Or, just walk away, but you're better off turning the situation around by doing something to make people like you more.
As far as being clueless goes; just get in the habit of always being aware of others reactions. We naturally know how to read body language. If they are showing negativity towards you, then, you need to give them value. Tell a story or a joke, buy a round of shots, something. Or, just walk away, but you're better off turning the situation around by doing something to make people like you more.
"She's Out of Your League"
You've said it a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time you say it, you train your brain to freeze the next time she walks into the room.
Leagues are a myth invented by guys who are scared of women.
She's a person. She has bad breath in the morning. She picks songs she can't sing in the shower. She overthinks her own texts.
Walk over. Say something. The league dissolves the second you open your mouth.
darkstarrr
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maximum exposure to any and all different kinds of social situations will help you overcome ineptitude
Luke Skywalker
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...and how exactly am I giving advice here by asking the poster to clarify what occurred on the interaction he's writing about here?Alle_Gory said:And the middle age social retard gives advice.
This old guy, Luke Skywalker has a very bad reputation. Lives at home with parents, virgin, chooses not to have friends... etc. You've been warned should you want to take his advice.
You are not interested in helping this dude out so I guess you are happy he is suffering with his social problem since you are more interested in attacking me than helping this dude out. That makes you a useless troll.
Do you want me to hunt every post you make and put a hateful remark and start a fvcking war? You are asking for it.
It's a free country, go ahead.Luke Skywalker said:Do you want me to hunt every post you make and put a hateful remark and start a fvcking war? You are asking for it.
It's a free country but not a free forum. There are rules here and posters can (and have) been kicked out for not adhering to the forum rules.
While I admit that it is strange that Luke is giving advice (Go figure), he has a right to give it.
Fighting and flamebaiting however is not tolerated.
You don't like someone here then put them on your ignore list.
To access your ignore list
1. Click on user CP
2. Look on the left hand side. Go to Miscellaneous
3. Click on "Buddy / Ignore Lists"
4. Add person you want to ignore
5. Click on update ignore list button
While I admit that it is strange that Luke is giving advice (Go figure), he has a right to give it.
Fighting and flamebaiting however is not tolerated.
You don't like someone here then put them on your ignore list.
To access your ignore list
1. Click on user CP
2. Look on the left hand side. Go to Miscellaneous
3. Click on "Buddy / Ignore Lists"
4. Add person you want to ignore
5. Click on update ignore list button
That is something harder to do than it sounds. Have to work on that more.learn to break off a conversation before it goes down hill. Learn how to be goal oriented.
Were you invited or just show up? If you just show up with out friends there yourself it would make her uncomfortable.
"I just moved here from Florida."
That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?
She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."
She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.
I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.
Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.