How to: Fall in love?

[Abcd]

I'm 27, i've benefited from this website in years gone by for the purpose it seems to be intended for... answering the question of How to pick up women.

But truly, I think I am like most men (if not necessarily most men on this site) in that I really have no interest in picking up multiple women, in principle. I'm much more interested in finding one woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. This is a practical matter as much as anything else: As I've gotten older and had friends come and go, I have fewer and fewer people around from times past that I really care about. Sure I make new friends and girlfriends wherever I go, but I would much rather have at least one partner who I can reminisce about my 20s with forever, rather than somebody I meet when I'm 35.

My problem is, I have now had steady relationships with two girls that started out on paper as potential "keepers" - great looks, passionate about things I care about in life, self sufficient, down to earth, etc - but I just can't seem to envision myself spending the rest of my life with these girls. After 9-12 months, I just end up feeling slightly bored when we hang out, slightly burdened, and only marginally sexually attracted. I find myself terrified by the thought of spending the rest of my life in this relatively bland scenario (not that I'm actually terribly bored or sexless, just that I would feel better off single and on the hunt again). This turns into a vicious cycle with me, I start to think about it and then I can't get it out of my head, which I think prevents me from falling in love in some ways. Now I've started to worry about this almost from the first date when I meet a new person. I never told either of my top two girlfriends that I loved them. Why? I can't separate the reasons in my head, partially because I am equally terrified of creating false expectations in 20-something girls' minds, partially because I really don't think I was in love with them.

But, I have reached a point where I really don't know what more I could want in a woman. If anything, perhaps these girls were lacking in some personality quality that I crave, but I can't even put my finger on it. Other than that, I couldn't have asked for more from either of them.

Do others among you have this problem? Am I ever really going to find somebody that I am still in love with after a year, or am I always going to be bored? I know no relationship is going to stay super romantic forever, but I feel like at least I shouldn't be bored? I wonder if my expectations are too high, or if I just haven't found the right person yet. Because for me, I would really prefer to get married in the next few years, rather than wait until I'm in my late thirties like many guys seem to prefer these days.

 

[samspade]

What's your hurry?

I'm not going to flame you for wanting to find a lifelong partner, but you sound more worried about it than you should be. Perhaps you are getting into LTRs for the sake of an LTR because of your desire to get married. When they don't pan out or you get bored, either of which are not only natural but likely, you wonder if you'll ever find one worthy of that commitment.

I'm not a fan of absolute dichotomies, but let me pose to you this simple question: Would you rather get married in the next few years to an okay woman because you want to get married, or would you rather marry at 37 a great woman because you really love her and want to keep her around - after having experienced plenty of others?

As a man you're going to be fertile for quite a while, and you have the latitude to marry someone younger (especially if you want kids). Again...what's your hurry?

 

[Abcd]

To answer your question: I'd much rather get married to a woman that I really love even it it takes until I'm 40. But my problem is, knowing the couple of LTRs I've had that on paper were great, and knowing my lack of enthusiasm after a year, I really am doubting whether I'll ever find that "special someone" that I am truly happy with and entertained by immensely for the rest of our lives.

Part of me thinks the whole idea of finding such a woman is a fairy tale / myth. Part of me thinks that I myself have a somewhat defective personality, ie. I am just not the type to be able to be entertained for longer than a year by any one person.

One thing that makes me a little worried about the latter possibility is that I am a successful entrepreneur, which I think requires a little bit of neurosis. Also I have lived in four countries, sometimes two at a time back and forth, which I used to think was just a result of my career but now wonder whether this is part of the same personality trait that always leaves me looking for something new.

What I'm looking for honestly is for any of the relatively skeptical men on this site (who in my experience abhor fairy tale notions of love) to tell me that I should wait because they felt like this at one time, but found an ideal mate.

Otherwise, I feel like I should just cut to the chase and marry an awesome girl that I may just be bored with after a while, but at least have the companionship and was able to enjoy life together while we're still young.

 

[samspade]

You're being difficult on yourself. Getting married takes no special talent or personality type. There are people who haven't done jack squat with their lives who have tied the knot. It ain't splitting the atom.

I'm married, and my wife is fantastic. But do I buy for a minute that she was "the One"? No f'ing way. We click very well, but one thing I've learned is that a wife and husband can't just 'click' like two ends of a seat belt. Clicking secretly means the man is maintaining frame and the woman is conforming somewhat. If I told my wife that we're quitting our jobs and moving to Australia, she'd do it with me in a heartbeat. It's not because we're "soul mates." It's because she wants to be with me, whatever I'm doing. But that kind of dynamic is tenuous if you let your frame slip as I'm sure you know. I learned these things cycling through different chicks, including some relationships, some flings, some casual sex. And there's plenty more for me to learn.

"While we're still young"? Sorry dude, that dog don't hunt. You're 27. I know it feels like the sands are slipping through the hourglass, but believe me - you have plenty of time. Don't couch your happiness on whether or not you find "someone special." BE someone special.

 

[Abcd]

I agree getting married ain't hard, it's staying happily married that's hard... I think a lot of people are "relatively happy" in their marriages, but I am not the kind of person that is happy being "relatively happy" - I would much rather be having a great time.

Regarding finding "the one" - I am NOT after that. Obviously the idea of a one true soulmate is a fairy tale and just logically dumb.

All I'm looking for is somebody that I'm really happy to hang out with on a daily basis, who makes my life more interesting in general rather than less. So far, the people I've met seem awesome on paper, but somehow I just feel like they barely boost my overall enjoyment of life, and in some cases impede it. No matter their qualities on paper, I struggle to see their net contribution to my well being as being positive, let alone strongly positive.

Would you say you are vastly happier with your wife than you would be without? I would expect so, but what worries me a little is your statement that she would move to Australia if you asked... I feel like that is relatively easy to come by, what seems hard to come by to me is a girl that I would move to Australia for.

 

[5string]

I agree getting married ain't hard, it's staying happily married that's hard... I think a lot of people are "relatively happy" in their marriages, but I am not the kind of person that is happy being "relatively happy" - I would much rather be having a great time.

Regarding finding "the one" - I am NOT after that. Obviously the idea of a one true soulmate is a fairy tale and just logically dumb.

All I'm looking for is somebody that I'm really happy to hang out with on a daily basis, who makes my life more interesting in general rather than less. So far, the people I've met seem awesome on paper, but somehow I just feel like they barely boost my overall enjoyment of life, and in some cases impede it. No matter their qualities on paper, I struggle to see their net contribution to my well being as being positive, let alone strongly positive.

Would you say you are vastly happier with your wife than you would be without? I would expect so, but what worries me a little is your statement that she would move to Australia if you asked... I feel like that is relatively easy to come by, what seems hard to come by to me is a girl that I would move to Australia for.

No!

samspade is correct. You are the man, thus you lead and she follows willingly.

Even to Australia.

 

[samspade]

I feel like that is relatively easy to come by, what seems hard to come by to me is a girl that I would move to Australia for.

Move to Australia for you. Let me be as succinct as possible. You are not a female. And there are just some things that females may do that men should not. One of them is to turn your life upside down for a woman, follow her somewhere, or relocate to be with her. Double standard? Sure. But you also don't pee sitting down or bleed once a month. You should not be looking for a woman you'd move anywhere for.

Am I vastly happier with a wife than I would be without? Nope.

 

[Burroughs]

Abcd read this

http://www.the-spearhead.com/2010/10/08/stop-looking-for-a-wife-you-wont-find-one/

 

[macagent]

.... I would much rather have at least one partner who I can reminisce about my 20s with forever, rather than somebody I meet when I'm 35.

How romantic...

My problem is...

Your problem is that your premise is completely wrong. You will not be married "forever" -> take a look around. You will be reminiscing about your 20's by yourself, with a beer, in the basement, while she's "out with the girls". You'll get divorced somewhere around 40-45, and then have to meet someone when you are past 35, and probably saddled with a kid...

Skip the marriage part until you are actually 35, then marry a 28 yr old hottie. Go enjoy yourself until then.

 

[Zunder]

To me you can not, as a man, love a woman without yourself feeling some form of neediness, wanting, fear of loss .......

So then I gues my question to you all is: Is love an AFC emotion?

Edit: I am not saying you can't hide or repress these emotions - after all a lot of 'Game" is doing exactly that - but I cant see how you cant deep inside feel alot of AFCish emotions if you feel love for a woman.

 

[samspade]

To me you can not, as a man, love a woman without yourself feeling some form of neediness, wanting, fear of loss .......

So then I gues my question to you all is: Is love an AFC emotion?

Edit: I am not saying you can't hide or repress these emotions - after all a lot of 'Game" is doing exactly that - but I cant see how you cant deep inside feel alot of AFCish emotions if you feel love for a woman.

Love is not in itself "AFC." It's an emotion we are all capable of experiencing.

How it manifests itself in our behaviors is the difference. Whether you're feeling in love, infatuated, angry, lonely, etc., your outward behavior is AFC, or it isn't.

Emotions aren't voluntary, but we are capable of governing our behavior. I think this is why a lot of people criticize Game as being "fake." It seems to the uninitiated that we are not being "true" to ourselves. In reality we are always tinkering with our facade, for our own well-being.

 

[AlNess]

I'd much rather get married to a woman that I really love even it it takes until I'm 40. But my problem is, knowing the couple of LTRs I've had that on paper were great, and knowing my lack of enthusiasm after a year, I really am doubting whether I'll ever find that "special someone" that I am truly happy with and entertained by immensely for the rest of our lives.

If you're doubting that you'll ever find someone you can be ultimately happy with, then live your life as if you honestly never will. You probably will find someone along those lines; if it doesn't happen until you're in your 40s, that's fine. The key is to NOT look for it. I'm 38, and didn't meet my wife until I was 34. We were together a little over 3 years before we got married 10 months ago (we officially got engaged after being together for 1 year and 9 months). When I met her, I wasn't "looking" for a wife, or even a LTR for that matter. I was just doing my own thing, hanging with different women, and having typical single guy fun.

As for finding a woman you are "truly happy with and entertained by immensely" for the rest of your lives: be careful and realistic with those terms. Don't have any preconceived utopian notions. As much as I love my wife, and as I happy as I am to be with her, I still realize that there are certain voids in my life that a wife just cannot fill (such as those involving my career, level of physical fitness, creative ambitions, etc; these are all on me). A wife is not to "complete you," but instead, is to share your completeness with you.

 

[Desdinova]

I think the only way you can get a real perspective on what qualities to have in a woman is to actually live with one or two. Most of the women I've lived with were fvcking lazy and I ended up doing all the cleaning and cooking while she either sat on her ass or went out with friends.

Any woman I move in with in the future has to be top notch. She needs to know how to be independent before she can move in.

I wasted six years of my life living with a 5hitty woman. I'm not willing to risk doing that again. There should be absolutely no rush when you're choosing someone to spend the rest of your life with. You'll be better off alone than living with a lazy selfish cvnt.

 

[Burroughs]

study Chris Rock...he has broken down 'love' better than you ever will

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M902ZJHzaLE

 

[Laszlo]

It feels like I wrote every single word of that.

I'm in my third relationship now. We've been together for nine months. My first relationship lasted a little bit over 6 months, and my previous one for almost two years.

The first two ones ended because I lost interest, and I'm feeling it creeping up on me again. I just feel suffocated. The beginning was full of attraction and excitement, but I'm losing a grip on it. Nowadays it just feels like all her happiness depends on her being around me. "I love you so much, I love you, I hate not being around you, bla bla bla". Maybe that's the way it should be, I don't know. But I sure as hell don't feel that way. Whenever I'm not around she gets bored. I hate that. The text messages that read "I'm bored" makes me feel worse than being rejected. I don't know if she's being selfish or if I'm the one who's selfish. Probably both. But I never get bored. I enjoy alone time. But that's because I got hobbies. Too many of them actually. And I got a business to run.

I just don't have the need to be with her 7 freaking days of the week. 1-2 evenings per week is perfectly fine. 3 is more than enough. And I don't even necessarily want to spend the night together. I like to be alone, it gives me time to think. You never get the room to do that with women around. "What are you thinking about, what are you thinking about, what are you thinking about??". Drives me crazy. Don't get me wrong. I every other way, she's an amazing person. All of the girls I had relationships with were amazing. But that doesn't seem to be enough.

And the topic of getting married. Not even on my horizon. And I'm 29. Children? No way. I don't want them. Maybe that'll change one day, but maybe that day it'll be too late, I don't know. That's not my problem right now. My problem is in sticking with one woman without getting bored or suffocated.

Maybe I should just be friends with women. But then you lose the sex part. Tried the friends with benefits thing a few times. Doesn't work. My sex is too good. In all seriousness. David Shade actually talks about this in one of his tapes (I think it's in Bring out her inner slut). There are apparently things you should not do with women in the context of sex, if you don't want to pursue a relationship, because they won't be able to let you go. True story. But then, what's the point? What's the point if you don't give your woman your everything, be it a one night stand or a relationship?

 

[Alex DeLarge]

Love is one of those things where you hate it when you have it, and you crave it when you don't. Kind of like a hard drug if you're a junkie.. Or booze if you're an alcoholic. The sh1t doesn't exist. Love is some bullsh1t word made up to sell people chocolate on Valentine's day.

It is supposed to be.. Man works and establishes himself, woman provides ability to reproduce and take care of offspring. THAT'S IT. Purely evolutionary. Fvck all that "It was love at first site" bullsh1t.

 

[Juan Don]

fvck love. that word just complicates things to the nth level

 

[backseatjuan]

How to fall in love:

Find a woman, be with her for more than a week. Start noticing how you are attracted to everything she does. Bingo! You're in love!


Now, this could be done with an ug that has no interested in you whatsoever. Be careful. Try to find a woman that's beautiful, interested in YOU, will treat YOU right, will respect YOU, and be YOURS alone.

 

[YAboi]

Go to scribd.com , sign up and then upload any ebook you have and then download and read ''The Way of The Superior Man'' by David Deida. Problem solved.

 

[YAboi]

heres the link to the book. Just click file and save as to download ------> http://smilyanov.net/download/pdfs/The%20Way%20of%20the%20Superior%20Man.pdf