How to defeat that nervousness that kills the spark?

[Babnik]

How do you do it? You can be a DJ in life, a winner in almost everything you do, and still be nervous with women and that nervousness and being uptight won't let your sexuality flow. You will not even get ho*ny.

I get this sometimes, and it kills that chemistry and spark. It doesn't even have to deal with chemistry or being inconfident.

Its just nervousness and its almost impossible to defeat it...

I've had girls tell me "So...are you gonna kiss me or not?" and at that point I KNEW she wanted me, but I was still nervous.

What are ways to overcome it?


P.S. This isn't a problem of being nervous around WOMEN. This is a problem of being nervous around women on a DATE.
Asking out, asking number, flirting upon first meeting her - not nervous. Being on a date - nervous. Maybe due to expections of things? I don't know...I need to get comfy with a girl before I can be sexual with her and it may take 3-4 dates but there is this anxiety that if I haven't done kino or kissing during those dates then she will lose interest.

 

[Zero Hero]

It sounds like you're not that nervous and just minorly nervous on dates which is expected. Your anxiety comes from thinking you have to follow certain "rules" which you really don't have to do.

 

[Teflon_Mcgee]

It doesn't even have to deal with chemistry or being inconfident.

Its just nervousness and its almost impossible to defeat it...

Wrong. It is a confidence/frame issue. Your nervousness stems from doubt in yourself. Trust me. If you have no interest or no stake in a girl you will not ever feel nervous or worried about any of your actions dealing with her. Adopt this frame with all women and you will begin to see magic.

 

[danielzxc]

I've had girls tell me "So...are you gonna kiss me or not?" and at that point I KNEW she wanted me, but I was still nervous.

What are ways to overcome it?

Well, just think how STUPID and how GAY she is going to think you are if you don't. She WILL think that. And she will lose a lot of respect for you, too.

 

[Babnik]

Wrong. It is a confidence/frame issue. Your nervousness stems from doubt in yourself. Trust me. If you have no interest or no stake in a girl you will not ever feel nervous or worried about any of your actions dealing with her. Adopt this frame with all women and you will begin to see magic.

Yes, I did that and it completely destroys the SPARK. I lose interest...and so does she.

See, not all women will show interest in a man who does not show interest. AIRHEADED and stupid girls tend to. I don't like that. I like mature girls. The ones that behave...mature...I can't explain it. There is this HERD of sorority-type girls that dress alike, have same exact interests, talk alike and etc.

And there are those that dress SEXY and HOT but professionally (like designer clothes), they have their own style.

They are the kind that won't be hitting on a guy...EVER. The only sign of interest is eye contact.

So, the question is how to loose being NERVOUS without losing the spark of interest. I mean, a girl being stupid is a TURN OFF for me. When I turn off - the girl will turn off as well.

I don't treat women as sex toys. I want one with a good personality too. Of course I get aroused and its very important, but I am picky! I just don't want a girl to just screw and play her easily because she is DUMB.

I want something WORTHY. Guess what? They are RARE, but they exist and I learned how to notice them.

I would go on 6 dates a week, and then call back maybe...MAYBE one because others are just SO airheaded...

 

[Themanthatcan]

Just know, that you're better than her.That's it.Problem solved.Be comfortable w/ yourself and no one can touch you.

 

[Babnik]

Just know, that you're better than her.That's it.Problem solved.Be comfortable w/ yourself and no one can touch you.

But thats not the case all the time. I don't DATE women that are worse than me, that are not on my level. I have interest in those that are on MY level.

 

[Delta]

PROCEDURE would help. as well as HAVING A PLAN.

simply knowing WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING ON THE DATE would alleviate a great deal of your nervousness.

knowing WHAT TO DO and FAMILIARITY with the playfield will help you feel more calm.

so have a playbook and checklist - just like a pilot:

eyecontact - check
bodylanguage/posture - check
kino - check
talk about something she's into and let her go off on it as you listen - check

with your goal at every step being ESCALATION.

she should never have to ask if you're going to kiss her. it's your job to have been pushing your way to that result in the first place.

this escalation is the task at hand. working your way toward TAKING WHAT YOU WANT. you are not there in a STATIC situation just to be there. you are a man on a mission and you are laying the ground work to fvck her. you are less nervous because you have a plan that needs to be carried out. you're going somewhere, working up to something.

focusing on WHAT YOU WANT during the date is also good general principle. q: what should we do? a: what do you WANT to do? q: what movie to see? a: what movie do you want to see? etc. focus on YOUR DESIRE is good here. makes you decisive and seem passionate and having an opinion.

delta

 

[Delta]

But thats not the case all the time. I don't DATE women that are worse than me, that are not on my level. I have interest in those that are on MY level.

it helps to psych yourself up like this though. because you will not be intimidated by what is inferior to you.

even if she is on your level or ABOVE, do not acknowledge this mentally.

you lie to yourself.

just a like a soldier lies to himself that he's not going to get hurt and that he's going to be fine.

he doesn't know that. he has no guarantee. he can come home in tiny giblet pieces.

but he says that to himself to function.

delta

 

[DarkLight]

Wrong. It is a confidence/frame issue. Your nervousness stems from doubt in yourself. Trust me. If you have no interest or no stake in a girl you will not ever feel nervous or worried about any of your actions dealing with her. Adopt this frame with all women and you will begin to see magic.

Value.
But, don't misunderstand... still be a charming fvck!

Peace'

 

[WhitePimp]

I touched on this idea in a previous thread I had about Fear. Maybe it's different for everybody but I would completely embrace that nervousness and let it flow through my body and have it drip out of pores (metaphorically though, profuse sweating is gross). I wouldnt look at is as being nervous or scared or whatever, but rather, reframe it and look at it as being excited because you're with someone you find absolutely amazing and beautiful.

The "lose interest" approach never worked for me because I would reframe myself so much that I really would lose interest and yeah, I'd have success, but it was so methodical and boring that it wasn't fun anymore.

I would say to you that the nervousness you feel is because you are a person who loves what he is doing and is excited by every new experience he can get...it's not nervousness or fear, but rather you giving meaning to what you're doing on the date and loving every aspect of it, even the "nervous" feeling.

 

[lone star]

-

I think you got "stage fright" - i.e., you know she is watching you and judging you and that makes you nervous.

Solution: Imagine her waking up in the morning with her hair a mess, or going to the barthroom. That will bring her down to the "human" level in your mind and you will be able to act more naturally.

 

[Bvbidd]

EtOH

 

[hui]

are you Russian?

 

[Babnik]

are you Russian?

Yes. I always get away with mistakes I make by saying Eastern European dating scene is different. It works!

 

[Babnik]

PROCEDURE would help. as well as HAVING A PLAN.

simply knowing WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING ON THE DATE would alleviate a great deal of your nervousness.

knowing WHAT TO DO and FAMILIARITY with the playfield will help you feel more calm.

so have a playbook and checklist - just like a pilot:

eyecontact - check
bodylanguage/posture - check
kino - check
talk about something she's into and let her go off on it as you listen - check

with your goal at every step being ESCALATION.

she should never have to ask if you're going to kiss her. it's your job to have been pushing your way to that result in the first place.

this escalation is the task at hand. working your way toward TAKING WHAT YOU WANT. you are not there in a STATIC situation just to be there. you are a man on a mission and you are laying the ground work to fvck her. you are less nervous because you have a plan that needs to be carried out. you're going somewhere, working up to something.

focusing on WHAT YOU WANT during the date is also good general principle. q: what should we do? a: what do you WANT to do? q: what movie to see? a: what movie do you want to see? etc. focus on YOUR DESIRE is good here. makes you decisive and seem passionate and having an opinion.

delta

Rarely on the first date though! Thats no plan...

 

[Delta]

you may not get to the fvck on the first date but you're escalating towards it... regardless of where you end up, you're moving it forward. not just sitting there and seeing what happens.

the idea is PROGRESS.

and if you're working on that progress, you're less nervous because you are working on a task.

delta

 

[hui]

In Russia things are quite different..I my-self am Indian studing in Saint Petesburg,might have LETI....We must meet if u ever plan to come over here.
I'll be in Russia for another 2 years!