How to deal with the grieving?

[The LadyKiller]

For a couple of weeks, I've gotten to know a HB at my work, who is someone I'd definitely like to get to know better. We get along very well and we have more of a good-natured banter, keep-things-light relationship. We tease each other a lot and she likes my sense of humor.

Well, I just learned (facebook) her mom passed away. It looks like she will be back next week. In fact, I believe I work with her the first day she is back (because of course it ends up like that). So, what exactly do I say or how do I act?

I don't think my usual upbeat/humorous demeanor is ideal for this circumstance. In addition to the usual giving of condolences, do I get her a card as well (what would I write)? The only family member I've seen pass away so far was a grandparent a few years ago, and they were very sick and we knew it was only a matter of time. I got over it in a couple of days. I highly doubt she's getting over this as easily.

 

[TheCWord]

Nice of you to be concerned, LK. A card is appropriate. When my mother's best friend died recently I did some googling on how to comfort someone dealing with loss - and most of the advice seems to be to just listen. You can ask how they're holding up, etc. but not make any declarative statements like, "It gets easier" etc. Just let them be sad because that's how they eventually move on.

Continuing to be your fun self is actually a very good idea. It reminds her of all the other good things she has in her life.

 

[The LadyKiller]

Appreciate the insight. It's unfamiliar territory for me and probably for a good number of people here, so any ways to avoid making things worse is a plus.

 

[zekko]

This isn't really romantic/seductive advice, but one classy thing you can do is to send flowers to the funeral. I know when my mother died some people from work sent flowers, and I really appreciated the thought.

It may be too late for this with you, I don't know. And of course, I'm sure many here would object to feeding the florist industry, with all the social conditioning it is associated with.

That aside, when she returned I would just say "Sorry to hear about your mother" and then get on with life as usual. Women can get very emotionally involved with thier mothers, so it may be painful for her for awhile.

 

[Darth]

Get her a gift.

Anyone concerned with whether that would be "AFC" is a moron.

 

[Bible_Belt]

When you talk to her, a simple open-ended question like "How are you doing?" can go a long way in the right context. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about anything with you; that's up to her. As long as you somehow express that you care; that's all you can really do. It does not have to be an elaborate or formal gesture.

 

[The LadyKiller]

Appreciate the thoughts.

Zekko, that's a nice gesture, though (based on when the post was), I would have needed to fly the Concord to get those flowers to the funeral in time, so that wasn't doable. Darth, I agree when something like a close death is involved, some "AFC" things go out the window.

Anyway, it turns out that she is won't be back for close to another week, so I sent her a very nice, well-written text (no mailing address). She still found a way to bust on me :crackup:, but appreciated the note. Said the funeral was beautiful and she's taking things one day at a time. So Bible Belt, as you said I expressed that I cared, which was all I could do at this point.

 

[Uncharted]

A card is the most I would do.