How to deal with my girl's guy friends

[Curiosity&theCat]

Hello. I've been with my girl for a year now, and she has about three guy friends that she has been close with. One of them, she had a huge crush on in high school, the other one is sort of rich, and another one...she says is just a friend. Now she's done things with one of the friends. They still talk here and there on snapchat. The one that is sort of rich fell out with her for a while because he called her inappropriately and basically tried to make her feel like she wasn't doing anything with her life because of getting a boyfriend, basically chasing guys instead of getting her life together (he claimed in reference to me). She over time felt bad about their argument and got back in contact with him so they can reach good terms again. I didn't really like that, who would...now they talk occasionally, and she tells me here and there when they do, but he's said things to her like "sounds like you guys aren't together." He calls to talk about his business.. Is what she tells me..and tonight, he sent her a DM on Instagram around 10:30pm asking if she's free to speak..she told him she's busy, but I've sort of expressed my discomfort in her and these guy friends. I sort of cut off my lady friends and told her that I'd imagine it being a bit annoying if my lady friends were calling at those late times. I'm not asking her to cut them off..but now I'm really getting turned off by it...what should I do...how do I handle this??? It seems like something that is not going away or dying down, because if it's not one guy, it's the other...

 

[Desdinova]

I sort of cut off my lady friends and told her that I'd imagine it being a bit annoying if my lady friends were calling at those late times. I'm not asking her to cut them off..but now I'm really getting turned off by it

Women who think they can keep their male orbiters while entering serious, committed LTRs are not worth your time and energy. She's already seriously involved with THREE OTHER GUYS who will always be higher on her priority list. She will give you the standard BS of "I've known them longer than you, and I don't think I should be getting rid of my friends simply because they're guys".

Women with guy friends are a pain in the ass. Those guys are going to c0ckblock you every chance they get. They're going to cause extra drama in your relationship. On top of that, you're never going to trust this bytch because she has other men hanging around her.

The fact that you ditched your female friends and she didn't ditch her male friends should tell you that she has absolutely no intentions of taking this relationship to the same serious level that you've committed to. If you're genuinely looking for a serious, committed relationship, you're attempting to do it with the wrong woman.

Find someone who's not going to place male orbiters on a higher priority than her commitment to you.

 

[The Duke]

Its a tough situation. The problem is all of her guy friends are distractions to the success of your relationship.

If she is the type that prefers male friends over female friends and you think you can trust her, then stay in this and see where it goes. If she is very forthcoming with her correspondence with them and you don't feel she is hiding anything then thats a good thing. BUT, you can bet those guys are chumps and are praying for the day they get their shot.

Some girls keep a group of admirers(guys) to stroke their ego, validate, and help their fears and doubts go away. She knows these guys will tell them what she wants to hear.

Don't be intimidated by them. Its you she is fuhking not them. If she is going to cheat on you then she will do so regardless and it probably won't be with one of her "admirers"! If those guys had what it took she would be fuhking them not you.

But expressing your insecurities to her won't help your cause any.

 

[dude99]

Hello. I've been with my girl for a year now, and she has about three guy friends that she has been close with. One of them, she had a huge crush on in high school, the other one is sort of rich, and another one...she says is just a friend. Now she's done things with one of the friends. They still talk here and there on snapchat. The one that is sort of rich fell out with her for a while because he called her inappropriately and basically tried to make her feel like she wasn't doing anything with her life because of getting a boyfriend, basically chasing guys instead of getting her life together (he claimed in reference to me). She over time felt bad about their argument and got back in contact with him so they can reach good terms again. I didn't really like that, who would...now they talk occasionally, and she tells me here and there when they do, but he's said things to her like "sounds like you guys aren't together." He calls to talk about his business.. Is what she tells me..and tonight, he sent her a DM on Instagram around 10:30pm asking if she's free to speak..she told him she's busy, but I've sort of expressed my discomfort in her and these guy friends. I sort of cut off my lady friends and told her that I'd imagine it being a bit annoying if my lady friends were calling at those late times. I'm not asking her to cut them off..but now I'm really getting turned off by it...what should I do...how do I handle this??? It seems like something that is not going away or dying down, because if it's not one guy, it's the other...

She basically has 3 boyfriends. You and the other guys.

I found the best way of handling a situation like this is to go spin more plates. Date more women. Scale back the attention she gets from you and demote her to plate or FB.

Don't get mad or butt hurt. It will only encourage her to spend more timewith her other two guys to punish you.

If you talked to her every day, or saw her every day, now only talk to and see her once a week. Stop returning her phone calls. In the same day and texts. Only talk to her once a week. Or less if warranted.

She will Immediately notice your lack of attention. She will know why. And never never never fight with her about it.

Spin more plates. See more women. Get busy. She will see your value increase when you prove to her, her value in your eyes has decreased.

Don't get butt hurt. Don't fight about it. So your thing. She will get it. If she is a quality woman she will adjust her behaviour accordingly. She knows this bothers you. Stay in your frame and she will make a change and you won't have to say a thing

 

[dude99]

Spin plates is poor advice when he's in a relationship. That's just cheating.

I look at it this way. If she is spreading her attention to multiple guys and doesn't respect the OPs feelings in reguard to having orbiters then he can have his orbiters also.

If your lady is disrespecting you then you don't have a relationship.

Spin away.

 

[dude99]

I mean I understand the logic, its just in practice it has the potential to go very, very poorly for you and her. I don't view it as particularly moral anyway, even if it is an "eye for an eye".

What I might do instead is go out more and start hanging out with new people, women included. That is IF the disrespect wasn't starting to get to me, which in this case it likely is.

One year is a great time to pull off the band aid, its basically the last best chance you have to escape relatively unscathed.

I hear you. At the very least if i was i his shoes i would withdraw 90 % of the attention she was getting from me.

 

[RangerMIke]

@dude99 is correct. She sees other dudes, so what... go date other women. That's the only way to go, well either that or go MGTOW... Really I totally get MGTOW, women can be a majoe league pain in the @ss, if you let them. Getting into exclusive relationships with women will take years off your life, just accept the fact that women are not loyal and incapable of loving you the way you love them and your expectations of them will drop.

Men can control our emotions... if we do not want to fall in love we CAN do it... it is something you can and should control. Never let yourself get so attached to what a woman does that you lose perspective.

 

[El Payaso]

Your "girl" is sucking off other guys behind your back and kissing you with those same lips.

 

[The Duke]

I just got done reading an article that applies here about social media and how it takes its toll on relationships.

Basically posting pictures and status updates on faKebook invites others into your relationships. It also creates the need for validation. Her male friends she keeps around do the same thing. That's why I call them a "distraction" more than anything. She should be coming to you to be validated. She should come to you to put her fears/concerns at rest. Not them.

 

[Curiosity&theCat]

Its a tough situation. The problem is all of her guy friends are distractions to the success of your relationship.

If she is the type that prefers male friends over female friends and you think you can trust her, then stay in this and see where it goes. If she is very forthcoming with her correspondence with them and you don't feel she is hiding anything then thats a good thing. BUT, you can bet those guys are chumps and are praying for the day they get their shot.

Some girls keep a group of admirers(guys) to stroke their ego, validate, and help their fears and doubts go away. She knows these guys will tell them what she wants to hear.

Don't be intimidated by them. Its you she is fuhking not them. If she is going to cheat on you then she will do so regardless and it probably won't be with one of her "admirers"! If those guys had what it took she would be fuhking them not you.

But expressing your insecurities to her won't help your cause any.

So, what if I have done so in a way. What approach should I take now? Do I just complete switch up the swag. Hang with her a bit, and act like I'm cool with everything?

 

[Curiosity&theCat]

Your "girl" is sucking off other guys behind your back and kissing you with those same lips.

You're kidding, right? lol I mean..what do you suggest I do?

 

[Curiosity&theCat]

I wouldn't worry about the "rich" guy. He sounds to me like a classic chump in friend zone denial who crossed some boundaries that she set for him. And now that I think about it, it amazes me how many guys here have been put into the friend zone, yet they refuse to believe any woman who claims a guy is just a friend.

You really haven't said much about the other two. I'm still in contact with a few girls I had a thing for in high school, but there's no crush anymore. I'm still in contact with a few girls I "did things" with, but that doesn't mean we still do things.

I know guy friends can make a guy uncomfortable, and that sometimes women do stupid sh*t, aren't faithful and like to have guys orbit them. But, you can't be insecure and/or run for the hills every time you meet a girl with guy friends. I hash these things out case by case. A few times I realized a guy friend here and there was gay, which is why things in the past didn't work out between them even when there was a crush. That may not be the case for you right now, but not everything is always sinister and has to be looked at as such.

She does have a gay friend too! I'm not worried about the gay friend...now one of the friends, I went to school with and I played football with..he's the one she did things with...They have a pretty healthy snapchat friendship, and she has often desired me to become good friends with him, and get in the studio with him. We both do music. Now, the other one, that isn't the rich guy..he's called her at 10p.m. when we were about to ****..she made me answer the phone (this was the first interaction with him). He didn't answer, but we called back. She put me back on the phone, and he was saying "oh that's my girl" when I asked how he knew her and why he's calling...then she (right behind me) yelled "omg what are you talking about." So that night, I was kind of pissed and ready to leave...he then said "Oh I'm playing, I'm trying to find out when your album comes out." Clearly, she's talked to him about me and my music. I ****ed her after that that night, but the next day I brought the issue up and how I felt about it. She called him on threeway...he said "she's just a friend, nothing serious." Now, after that, we'd have our times where we'd be on a date, and he'd call...so this happened like 3 times and pissed me off, so I told her like wtf..is this about to be an open relationship?...she said no, then told me she cut him off 'cause she doesn't want to risk us... A few months later, we're on a date..she's snapping pics on snapchat, and I see him in her recents with the smiley face...meaning they talk more often...I brought that up, then she revealed to me he'd hit her up because he was in town and wanted to take her to get wings..and said "Oh, because you have a boyfriend, you can't go out?" I feel like these are real mind ****s, because she knows that **** isn't cool, and I'm not cool with it, but she's like "Oh I'm sorry, I should've told you, but I didn't want you to be mad, and it wasn't that big of a deal...not like I'm hanging with him, or went out." That morning..I told her off...she ended up breaking up with me..and we spent about 6 hours not talking until she called me back apologizing...then I set boundaries again, but clearly, I'm still dealing with this issue weeks later.

 

[Curiosity&theCat]

I hear you. At the very least if i was i his shoes i would withdraw 90 % of the attention she was getting from me.

Nice. Should I do this without warning?

 

[The Duke]

So, what if I have done so in a way. What approach should I take now? Do I just complete switch up the swag. Hang with her a bit, and act like I'm cool with everything?

Here's how I handle it....I state my concerns from a place of how it harms the relationship. Not from a place of insecurity. Remind her a time or two. Let her know that you can go and do the same thing with some girls.
Stay in tune to your relationship. If you see some distance developing take a closer look. If you are happy with this girl and she is meeting your needs then stop worrying about it. You'll know when things are not right. She should always be very forthcoming with her dealings with these guys.

Not everybody in this world is a cheater that runs out and fuhks whomever.

 

[ubercat]

On the other hand a girl without a ton of orbiters makes for an easier life. I d be seeing other girls socially and if something develops well she had her chance.

 

[dude99]

Nice. Should I do this without warning?

Yes. March to the beat of YOUR drum. Not hers.

She will get the message when you are suddenly too busy and dhe becomes the 8th or 10th or 20th thing on your list of priorities

 

[TheCuckSlayer]

You're kidding, right? lol I mean..what do you suggest I do?

No, he's not joking. Welcome to Sosuave.

OP, this is a huge mess already. You NEVER deal with a situation like this by telling your girl that you're "uncomfortable" with her guy friends. That's all beta, blue pill bullsh1t that will land you with the "controlling and insecure" label.

If you're really set on trying to make this work (nothing anyone says here will ever dissuade an OP from trying to make things work if they've already set their mind on it), then I'll say...

1) If these guys are physically around with all of you hanging together, just be cool, befriend them if you genuinely like them.

2) Otherwise, go out and do your own thing. Talk to girls, make other friends, hang out with other ppl (guys and girls). Demote her a bit in your life priorities. Either she'll come around, or, if she truly was kissing you with the cvm sucking lips of other dudes, then...the whole thing was trash in the first place.

 

[wifehunter]

Walk... Find someone who is concerned about building trust. If she changes her tune, give her a chance to qualify herself.

Things HAVE to be on your terms, or you may as well be alone.

 

[BeExcellent]

To me this isn't a guy friends situation. I've had close male friends all my life. When it's a friends only thing the other guy would never say something like "oh you have a boyfriend so you can't hang out"...that's an orbiter looking to one up the boyfriend and stir the pot. He's shaming her. Not good. Maybe she doesn't see it but that's the deal.

True guy friends are men who have other women in their lives. My close guy friends are people I would double date with for example, or have him & his girlfriend over for dinner, stuff like that. I had one guy friend years ago who we would work out together. We'd go running, I'd hear all about his girl situations, then we'd go to my boyfriend's house and the guys would lift together. In other words my guy friend had girls he dated himself, and would bring his girlfriend and hang out with me & my boyfriend.

I had a lover from college that helped put on my wedding years after we had dated. My husband & I used to go to dinner with him & his wife when we were in his town.

These are the sorts of guy friends that are not an issue. These are men who are rather obviously involved with other women and are non threatening. My husband never worried about those type friends at all. They also were not men I spent lots of time conversing with because they had other women in place for primary female companionship and sex, and I had my own man to hang with as well.

What you have in my opinion is an opportunistic orbiter potentially, that is different than a male friend in a fundamental way.

Your girlfriend wants you and the friend to play music together? Unless this dude has his own girlfriend he dates and she is a known quantity or is going to come hang out also I would think that's awkward.

Nothing like a chick creating a little competition between you and friend dude. Not cool.

If you have expressed your disagreement with her assessment of the one guy as just a friend and she has told you she hid going somewhere with him from you, that's straight up uncool. Why not have enough character to be honest on her part and not lie for pete's sake. I'd tell you I'm having lunch with Joe so you couldn't accuse me of lying for one thing and more importantly to let you feel comfortable and be transparent.

But that isn't what's going on either. If she feels the need to communicate on a regular basis with available men it's an issue. I'd advise withdrawal of attention. Enough that she notices. When she asks frame it about the detrimental effect this habit has on the relationship and this isn't behavior that suits you. If she doesn't adjust demote her to FWB and date other girls.

A woman who really values you shouldn't do things that threaten you in any way or cast herself in a questionable light. I mean would she like her behavior if you hung out or had regular contact with other girls?

No? There's your answer.

 

[RangerMIke]

Your "girl" is sucking off other guys behind your back and kissing you with those same lips.

I can't tell you how many times I've had sex with women then found out they had boyfriends and husbands. I would NEVER intentionally do this, but it happens. I have had married women fvcking hit on me at parties they were at with their husbands. A married women who is a friend of mine hit on me at an event I was at last night.

Expecting loyalty from women, in this culture, where women cheating is lauded as her 'empowerment', is laughable. If a man cheats on a woman he is a pig.... if she cheats on him then he must have done something wrong... regrettably this is the world we live in.