how to deal with jealousy

[cooldragon23]

i am new to the whole relationship thing and i just had had a few questions.

my grilfriend likes to go out to the city and hang out with her best friend. i really dont care but the one thing is her friend likes to hang out with alot of guys all the time. Last time my gf went they hung out with 2 guys that her friend knew. I didnt really like that but i guess its not that big of a deal.

she is going again today and they are going to meet with her friends boyfriend and possibly other guys but she doesnt know. I asked her i could join her and she just says ah no. and i asked her why and she says cause she is hanging out with her friend and i dont need to come. i really couldnt go but just wanted to know why its a big deal if i go. It just seems shady to me and from knowing her friend who moves from one boyfriend to another.

i know i shouldnt ask her too many questions and be jealous but it bothers the crap out of me. we dont spend alot of time together i c her maybe once or twice a week and i make more plans but she is busy. But when it comes to going to the city with her friend its no big deal. That makes me more mad. i dont know if i should just let it go or just not deal with the headache...

 

[Igetit!]

i am new to the whole relationship thing and i just had had a few questions.

my grilfriend likes to go out to the city and hang out with her best friend. i really dont care but the one thing is her friend likes to hang out with alot of guys all the time. Last time my gf went they hung out with 2 guys that her friend knew. I didnt really like that but i guess its not that big of a deal.

You say it's not a big deal,but it may be a sign,a symptom of a big deal.


It's like lighting a firecracker. There are a few sparks before the big BANG.

she is going again today and they are going to meet with her friends boyfriend and possibly other guys but she doesnt know. I asked her i could join her and she just says ah no. and i asked her why and she says cause she is hanging out with her friend and i dont need to come.

Well that's not good. And I take it that the amount of time her and her friend hang around these guys together exceeds the time you two spend with each other.



Her interest level is low. If she'd rather spend time with her friends than see the guy who's supposed to create attraction and chemistry in her,something's wrong.

i know i shouldnt ask her too many questions and be jealous but it bothers the crap out of me. we dont spend alot of time together i c her maybe once or twice a week and i make more plans but she is busy. But when it comes to going to the city with her friend its no big deal.

She's NOT busy man. "I'm busy" is a lie.


If a person is addicted to drugs,haven't had a "fix" in a few days,then an opportunity to use comes up,you think they're going to say,"Oh I can't,I'm busy"?



A woman wants to be with a man/around a man because of how he makes her feel.



If she keeps making excuses to not be around you,then it means she doesn't FEEL any attraction,or the feeling is extremely low.

That makes me more mad. i dont know if i should just let it go or just not deal with the headache...

Well if she has any feelings for you at all,even if the flame is low,it can be re-ignited.


Now if the fire is out,then it's out,but there's even a glimmer of attraction there,it can be raised.



Check out the info in my signature. If you follow it...TO THE LETTER,it should help raise her interest level,but... it's NOT EASY TO DO.




It will require you to do some things you won't want to do,some self-denial.


But if you're strong enough,it could put your relationship back on track.



Later man.

 

[sageproduct]

Yeah dude, it seems like low interest level to me. No advice from me though, sorry.

 

[Ease]

Low interest level was the first thing that occured to me too.

About the jealousy: you deal with it by being 100% indifferent and uneffected by it, and you do it right back at her.

do not show it effects you at all, and start hanging out with other girls with friends. Or just other friends without specifying who. Let her wonder.

About increasig her interest level, id say the problem is that your trying to make plans too much and she is busy too much. Stop calling her completely, for example dont contact for a week. If you do communicate, do not make plans. Make plans, then cancel. Say you will phone her later, then dont. More stuff like this, be an uncaring ******* who isnt really that interested in the relationship. This is a good technique for interest level revival after being too easy, not recomended for long term or sustained use however.

Try some of these things^.

 

[SBW]

Yes. I got into something a while back with a young lady who was like this.

There was a bit of an age gap between us and she just had to have the time to hang with her friends. I respected and played along for a while but TBH, it was probably the wrong thing as she was kidding herself about a number of things, incl her relative maturity and her ability to cope with a serious relationship.

Pretty soon after the first heady few weeks, I got very good reason and stopped kidding myself that the whole thing stood any chance of working and for once in my life, walked away and switched off my phone.

 

[cooldragon23]

i mean with her if she calls and i dont call back when she calls me she gets pissed. if i dont talk to her for a few days she will get pissed and get all crazy and get mad.

i do make plans and alot of times she has an excuse and sometimes well go watch a movie or eat. last week she took the initiative and wanted to see me just cause which was cool.

in our relationship i never call her first but i always make plans first. but alot of times she doesnt want to come out cause she got this and that which is very annoying. i guess its a sign of low interest and maybe i deserve better

 

[Tiguere]

who cares if she gets pissed. you come first in all of this. never forget that.

 

[cooldragon23]

you all make some great points. I really dont like the fact that if she hangs out with her friend i cant go. though i couldnt go i just wanted to see what her response would be.

the hard part is to not try to be jealous and i try not to show it but i end up ****ing anyway. Like asking her too many questions when she goes out. i usualy dont ask too many questions but when it comes to this i do and she picks up on it. i am going to try my best to stay cool but at the same time relationships keep giving me headaches.

what i wanted to ask u guys was do u care if your girlfriend hangs out with other guys. whats ur stance on it and what do u guys do in situations like this

 

[zekko]

what i wanted to ask u guys was do u care if your girlfriend hangs out with other guys.

It depends on the situation. I definitely don't think my girlfriend should be spending a lot of time alone with some other guy. If it's in a group of people as you describe, it just depends. I trust my gut on things like this.

Here's the part that would disturb me about your situation:

she is going again today and they are going to meet with her friends boyfriend and possibly other guys but she doesnt know. I asked her i could join her and she just says ah no.

Why is that her friend is allowed to have her boyfriend along, but you are not allowed to come? That seems kind of odd to me. If she was just hanging around with her girl friend I could understand it, but if it's going to be her friend's boyfriend also plus some other guys, a bunch of people hanging out, what would it hurt if you came?

 

[sav]

phat you make some good points but i disagree with you on a couple of points..

first, i agree with the fact that you shouldnt care too much about what she does.. but my current girlfriend knows that if she cheats and i find out about it (and i will) that im out.. she knows i trust her until she gives me reason not to. with that said, the OP's post suggests something fishy is going on here.. i've had a FB that would use the same exact excuse on her BF and come chill with her 'girlfriend' and her 'friends' aka.. me...

its a tricky situation and ur walking a fine line... go with what ur gut tells u.. she'll use the lines such as 'ur being paranoid' etc.. there's no reason she should be refusing to hang out with u... low interest, chillin with other dudes.. come on.. the writing is on the wall.. if she's not already she will cheat on u.. keep ur emotional distance.. she may come around..

 

[sav]

1 more thing,

jealousy is a womans trait.. what you are is suspicious.. not jealous.. you arent jealous of her friend that gets to chill with her.. you are suspicious.. big difference.. oh and what you should do is chill with ur friends.. and a bunch of random single females she'll change her tune fairly quickly.. as will you

 

[pete101]

does this also apply to a girl if shes going clubbin/partying with her girlfriends and doesn't want u there when u ask to come?

she gives u a reason of how she cant enjoy herself if im there.

 

[pete101]

also with different nationalities does tweaking the amount of jealousy you show important?

for instance i've dated scandinavian girls before and theres 1 thing u definitely do not do and that is show any sign of jealousy, however i've also dated eastern european, serbian and russian women who are more traditional and if u do not show some jealousy they feel as if u do not care about them cos they wonder why u are ok with them going out partying and not worried they'll meet another guy. these girls seem to need a small level of jealousy just to show u care otherwise they leave u for someone else.

 

[HeyPachuco!]

Sometimes and very rarely now, I tend to get a little jealous over my ex.

The thought of someone drilling her, doing things to her, makes me want to get a semi-automatic late at night and going down in history, a landmark to jealosy (I get the odd thoughts of fvcking her still.)

It's been about 5months since we broke up. I saw some recent pics of her, she looks stressed out, maybe because of the emotional turmoil I put her through. So that makes me a tad better.

But, contrary to the thread. Yeah, it pains me (when I do think about it), that someone else could be/ will be/ has been inside her.

I lost count to how many times we had sex (countless times), and I know I was her best. Not because she said it, but how she acted towards the sexual side of the relationship. I felt like I trained her and now that she has learnt all the tricks, she can perform her best for her next guy. Sucks.

But, I have NO jealousy reactions anymore towards females. Since reading various things here, its taught me a valuable lesson.

I dont know if I'd call it jealousy for what I have with my ex, probably just dislike or hate. It's eating me up.

She would tease me, if there was a bruise on her thigh and say, "Oh it was where I was being held too tight ..." - As little as it is and a joke, those sought of things used to pester me.

 

[cooldragon23]

its been 2 days since i have been in contact with her. I didnt call or text her since she went out with her friend. she hasnt called or texted me either. I have been freaking out with all kinds of thoughts but i think im done. i am surprised she hasnt called or anything but in a way i am not..

I think its time to just end things unless there is a very good reason that would change my mind other wise. I definitly desreve a girl that wants to spend time with me and is more honest..i dont have any other girl that i am talking to and i am really not sure where i can meet other girls. most of my friends are either married or dont know or care to get girls. i am not too great myself so i gotta work on that. i fear losing her because shes all i have.

i mean last week things were fine but now this and i wont be surprised if this crap comes up again and i am tired of it. i could be just too jealous and i am worrying too much but i just dont like this. I feel lonely as **** right now and if i break up i know it will suck but i really need to just end this.. that is what i keep thinking..

i mean hanging out with her friends i cant join her since then no call or text uh i think its done in my mind...

 

[thecurtainfalls]

It's been about 5months since we broke up. I saw some recent pics of her, she looks stressed out, maybe because of the emotional turmoil I put her through. So that makes me a tad better.

LOL! That one made me laugh.

The concept of jealousy is a tricky one. I think the best way to approach it is taking the middle ground... let some things slide as long as they don't trip your suspicion too much... but if something really seems wrong, trust your gut and draw the line. Like someone else said, you're in this for YOU - nobody else. Having just got out of a 3 year relationship, I can confirm that this is a harder concept to understand while in the moment than most people realize. Speaking for myself at least, I know I regretted not worrying about myself and my own level of happiness with my relationship more, once it was over.

 

[sav]

it seems we are on the same page phat, just a little bit of deviation.. my gf knows i care about her but knows i dont put up with BS.. i dont dish out BS either.... i go out with my friends a lot and she's always welcome to come, unless its a 100% girls night out there is always an open invitation for me to come join her..

in this situation it just smells like a lot of BS is going on heh.


cooldragon23 it seems to me by the tone of your last post you know what it is you gotta do, u know that she's up to something... and like i said before, its not jealousy that is fueling whatever it is that ur feeling.. its ur gut telling you something is up.. dump this *****.. she probably has had a couple ****s in her that werent urs already.. believe me.. i've been the other ****.. the signs you have been seeing are 1 for 1 with the kind of behavior you should expect from a cheat.

dont call her... dont message her... if she calls u tell her that its over.. dont let her pressure you into a ****ty relationship, take it like a man cuz the longer you let this last the more miserable you will get.

 

[cooldragon23]

i am so mad and pissed i just want to punch the ****ing walls. still no contact and its killing me inside that out of nowhere this **** happened. i guess i gotta learn from this but man its killing my mood big time. i cant concentrate at work or school. trying to stay busy with friends but thoughts keep coming when i am by myself.

 

[Ease]

Im all for ending the relationship if your not happy.

But just as long as you know that its your own insecurity doing this. You could get with another girl but your going to have the same problem if this insecurity keeps up.

With a solid inner game and mindset, you think a real man would give a **** if his girl didnt contact him a few days? Or you think he would have any fear that his girl would rather party with someone else? If he found out she had been unfaithful, he would get rid of her ass and that would be it. Nothing else to it.

IMO shes acting mysterious and going out without you, i agree this isnt on and its ****ed up, but this gives you pretty much a green light to start spinning your own plates. Go out yourself and start looking and getting with girls. Itll cure the 'one-itis' and neediness you have going on. Its not manly to freak out worrying what your girlfriend is getting up to behind your back. Keep your options open and mind strong.

Dont be hard on the situation it happens to everyone, insecurity is a ***** and feels like a depression, like how you're feeling now. I dont have problems about my girl going out but i know she secretly has a thing for another guy. That gets me sometimes, even though our relationship is fine and she is loyal and affectioniate to me. But still in the end, its our own insecurity that messes our heads up.

Worst case scenario, **** some other girl.

 

[cooldragon23]

eh i guess my intuition was right..she finally decided to call and i called her up and asked her what happened the last 3 days and shes like nothing. then i ask her what happend on thursday and she starts saying why u asking me questions and why r u keeping tabs.

then she hangs up i text her saying i am done. she says thank u for breaking up with me. i ask her if she wants to breakup and she says yes she does and she was thinking about it the last 3 days and also when she came back that day from the city. and she tells me through text and doesnt even want to talk to me about it. She says the relationship wasnt working for a while and now after i actually ask her about it she finally tells me how she feels.
i am guessing she met a guy there and just doesnt want to tell me which i wouldnt be surprised at.

i am so pissed, angry, sad, hurt, and depressed. i cannot sleep. this is ****ing bull****. i am so down right now i knew she never gave a **** about me at all and i stayed in it for too long.