How to deal with guys who put you down in public

[Firefly]

I am a 33 year old guy from an Asian background. I am quite young looking, and also apparently look easy going and friendly.

Unfortunetly, this seems to make me the target of guys who are trying to look cool and "edgy" in front of girls by putting me down and insulting me.

When I was younger, I would get embarassed and upset by such comments, and simply shut down in conversation. Having since gained a little life experience, I have learnt not to get flustered by these comments. As a result, I am now able to calmly respond to such comments by establishing my own worth in these conversations and/or pointing out the weaknesses in the other guy's criticisms of me. However, I am not sure if this is the best way to respond or if this still makes me look a little nerdy and overly intellectual.

Here are two examples. I went to my cousin's wedding a few months ago, and one of the other guests tried to embarass me in front of the other guests by making fun of my (Vietnamese) name, pretending he couldn't understand my English, and when he found out that I had studied in Massachusetts, sarcastically asking me if I had studied at MIT (presumably because MIT has a bit of a reputation for nerdishness). I responded by not getting upset and calmly answering all his questions, and instead gradually bringing up my own credentials in response to his questions, such as the fact that I had studied at Harvard, was doing an internship as a clinical psychologist at a nationally recognised institution, and had previously been admitted to the Bar as a lawyer. This made the guy quieten down, and even get a bit embarassed towards the end.

On another occasion, I had a guy in his twenties at a party first ask me about my views on psychology, and then comment on how defensive psychologists were in defending their views. I responded by pointing out how most scientists, regardless of their discipline, were used to having to defend their positions, and then pointed out how if he had more experience aside from what he learnt in undergrad college classesm he would be aware of this. Again, this seemed to make him go quiet.

However, I am still not sure if this is the best approach or if such a reasoned approach still makes me look ineffectual or nerdy in front of the girls the guy is trying to impress. Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to improve my approach?

 

[xomel]

your background is full of accomplishments, you should be opposite from embarassed. praise them for bringing it up and making you look good in front of women. I can picture a girl my age (19) looking at someone who goes to harvard/MIT and maybe finding that nerdy... but at 33 you are a a prize to the women when youre that successful.

it sounds to me like youre coming out of these situations fine. As long as you still have the confidence to sarge on and keep hitting on chicks after you're in good shape.

besides guys who make fun of other guys in front of girls come off as mean.



also... I thought when I'd be 33 that guys would outgrow trying to make fun of other guys to compensate for their own insecurities. Maybe its the alcohol that make them silly like that, but DAMN when do people grow up?

 

[DarkLight]

While your probably shutting these fools down on the intellectual level... thus gaining value in that dept... you might be better served by simply TOOL'ing them.

Thats obviously their aim, by accentuating your character into its negative aspects (IE... intellectual smarts, into nerdy'ness). So why not return it to them on a more street level. By all means continue to use your intelligence for creativity and sharp wit... but make your rebuddles a comical backslap, that others can enjoy as well. You with me!?

You can either make the entire nature of your returns condescendingly funny, or just hit them w. your higher intellect and add a tool comment to the end of it (allowing the others in the group the opportunity to laugh).

For example, you write...
"I responded by pointing out how most scientists, regardless of their discipline, were used to having to defend their positions, and then pointed out how if he had more experience aside from what he learnt in undergrad college classesm he would be aware of this."

Then pat him on the head, like a little puppy. lol
... or tell him, "its ok, I enjoy your amateur perspectives, they're cute"
... or, "You know buddy, theres nothing wrong w. being a boy-scout, its quite noble actually"

Something on those lines.
Just a little street level tool'ing on the end of sh!t.
Gives the group an opportunity to laugh, and appreciate your higher intellect, through a cooler medium of communication (than the technically higher-brow redubbles your using now).

Peace'

 

[LA_Chico]

stab em bro

 

[Firefly]

stab em bro

Did you mean with my razor sharp wit, or are you speaking literally? :yes:

 

[Firefly]

I think you're still feeling a bit insecure and/or intimidated around other males...I think this about you because I know how it feels, so don't take it personally...

Regurgitating your accomplishments in front of competitors, friends, or mere aquaintances may make you seem a bit pompous and otherwordly...most people cannot relate to Harvard grads, and most people think Harvard grads hail from rich, snobby families...all the more reason to make fun of you, IMO...Harvard is great...don't get me wrong...and you've done a lot of great things...

So dump the verbal defense technique. Instead, befriend people in your group. Make them look like jerks. Stick out your hand and smile and introduce yourself; If they don't reciprocate, ignore them, for you've done all you can.

Don't get into a testosterone building contest...you'll likely alienate yourself from everybody. I'm not saying you have to take sh1t from anybody...but you need to be less defensive and more outgoing...and for Christ's Sake...don't go around telling people you have a Harvard degree unless asked...

That's cool. I understand that you are trying to give constructive advice, and that is greatly appreciated.

I normally don't tell people that I have a Harvard degree, and am usually pretty friendly and outgoing with people. Unfortunetly, there are guys out there who see such behaviour as meaning you are an easy target, especially when trying to impress girls. I am trying to get ideas on how to deal with these guys because I don't want to just stay silent and like a chump. I mentioned the techniques I have used in the past because I wasn't sure if they were the best approach - If you think it is the wrong way to go, do you have any suggestions on what I should do instead?

 

[Ripper]

Here's a good technique I picked up from watching my best mate. Last year at Uni he was consistently targeted by another of our 'friends' for the sort of treatment you've outlined. His reponse? Take it and run with it. Anything this guy said to him he exaggerated it. By doing that, he conveyed that he didn't take himself too seriously, could poke fun at himself and be witty in the process.
Example:

AMOG: Mate, I can't believe you pulled 'girl X' (fat girl)!! Still, get what you can...

Best Mate: Guys you don't even know the half of it! I had to perform a fvcking exorcism on my tongue when I got home!

Cue laughter...

 

[Mental]

I am a 33 year old guy from an Asian background. I am quite young looking, and also apparently look easy going and friendly.

Unfortunetly, this seems to make me the target of guys who are trying to look cool and "edgy" in front of girls by putting me down and insulting me...

Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to improve my approach?

Ok. Here's a few thoughts.

First off, I talk smack with friends. I'll pick on them, and they'll pick on me. Could this be one of those things, where they're 1) friends 2) just kidding around with you (not meaning to be nasty?)

Either way, if that's not your style, that's fine (there's something to be said for a guy who won't attack you back and takes the upper hand). I think you're handling things really well, so long as you show these things won't get to you.

I had a woman attack me (and all men) for being interested in a woman she doesn't care much for. I chose to quickly defend myself, and get out of there. If that's your choice, go ahead and defend yourself (you deserve it, you smart man, you!) and then leave the area, and go hang ot with more positive people.

 

[Firefly]

Ok. Here's a few thoughts.

First off, I talk smack with friends. I'll pick on them, and they'll pick on me. Could this be one of those things, where they're 1) friends 2) just kidding around with you (not meaning to be nasty?)

Either way, if that's not your style, that's fine (there's something to be said for a guy who won't attack you back and takes the upper hand). I think you're handling things really well, so long as you show these things won't get to you.

I had a woman attack me (and all men) for being interested in a woman she doesn't care much for. I chose to quickly defend myself, and get out of there. If that's your choice, go ahead and defend yourself (you deserve it, you smart man, you!) and then leave the area, and go hang ot with more positive people.

I don't mind getting picked on by friends if it is a two-way street that is the way we normally interact.

I am talking more about guys who I have just met in a social situation who are trying to put me down.