How to deal with ex

[brian123]

I was engaged up until 6 months ago when my ex (9/10) basically flaked out on me (she began experiencing mental issues, said her psyc told her not to be in a relationship for a while), but she told me how great I was, how much she'd miss me etc.....

I have been in no contact with her for the last ~ 5 months and have been dating/working on myself etc....

A few weeks ago, she randomly approached me at a bar and began some small talk with me. After a min, I essentially blew her off.

Yesterday, she sends me a message on myspace saying


Hi Brian,

I know you probably don't want to talk to me ever again, but I just want you to know that I'm sorry about everything that has happened...I hope you're doing well.

<Her name>



I am just looking at her as another possible plate to spin. Any idea how I should respond? I was thinking along the lines of

"Not sure why you wanted to send me that message, but if you want to communicate with me, I'd highly advise you explain your intentions and actions"

Any advice?

 

[decades]

I would forget about her as a plate. Don't go there. You have broken No Contact. I would immediately go back into NC mode. I believe that she will make your life miserable if you stay in contact. She devalued you by dumping you and ending the engagement. Now she wants to have you but in a way that is good for her and not good for you. She will likely dangle the prospect of sex with her but never deliver on it, frustrating you in the process. You run the real risk of her hurting you by telling you who she has been seeing, etc. Bad idea to try and start something up again. She is contacting you not because she feels sorry for you but because she wants you as an orbiter and fall back guy. Don't be that guy.

 

[brian123]

I would forget about her as a plate. Don't go there. You have broken No Contact. I would immediately go back into NC mode. I believe that she will make your life miserable if you stay in contact. You run the real risk of her hurting you by telling you who she has been seeing, etc. Bad idea to try and start something up again. She is contacting you not because she feels sorry for you but because she wants you as an orbiter and fall back guy. Don't be that guy.

Well to be clear, I didn't break it. She contacted me both times, and I didn't respond back to her last message (she actually sent it 2 days ago)

 

[decades]

Well to be clear, I didn't break it. She contacted me both times, and I didn't respond back to her last message (she actually sent it 2 days ago)

you are in contact. doesn't matter who broke it. Your life has been disrupted and now you are wondering what to do. She even has you thinking about reviving a relationship with her. Now I don't know your situation but it may be you can handle her and she can't get to you. But remember, she will hold the upper hand on you in every single interaction you have. It will be the unacknowledged elephant in the room. And if you go back you will feed her ego in a way that makes her say "gee Look how great I am, this guy I dumped is now back and available to me in any way I want."

 

[brian123]

you are in contact. doesn't matter who broke it. Your life has been disrupted and now you are wondering what to do. She even has you thinking about reviving a relationship with her. Now I don't know your situation but it may be you can handle her and she can't get to you. But remember, she will hold the upper hand on you in every single interaction you have. It will be the unacknowledged elephant in the room. And if you go back you will feed her ego in a way that makes her say "gee Look how great I am, this guy I dumped is now back and available to me in any way I want."

Very good advice. If I put the ball in her court and tell her to explain herself, aren't I the one with the upper hand? IF anything were to happen, it would be her who would have to come crawling back to me. I checked my calendar, she contacted me 6 months to the day after we BU.

 

[TheBaconator]

Very good advice. If I put the ball in her court and tell her to explain herself, aren't I the one with the upper hand? IF anything were to happen, it would be her who would have to come crawling back to me. I checked my calendar, she contacted me 6 months to the day after we BU.

You may have the upper hand in a sense, but going back to an ex that has already hurt you can turn bad very quickly. You may feel that you are over her right now but it is very easy to fall back for a person whom you had invested a great deal of time on and grown accustomed to. IMO 6 months is not enough time in which you can have meaningless sex without reviving some old feelings if you had a LTR with said person.

This is the risk you face if you decide to pursue any type of relationship with her, be it a LTR, a FWB or even a ONS. Best thing you could do is let your past stay there.

 

[Mavrick]

You need to remain poised and confident. You need to portray to this woman that you know who you are and you know where you're going. She needs to know that you're going with or without her.

Most relationships go through breakups, and at that point you need to show that you are fine with or without them, and you did this because she came back. They always do when you act the way you did.

I'd also hate to mention that most relationships that end with a breakup and then get back together usually ends up in marriage. haha I've seen it so many times. Now, don't use this to get your hopes up because this girl has done absolutely nothing to have you back in her life, and you, my friend will not make it that easy for her. Now is the time to show how independent you are and how you know your going somewhere.

We crave that which we can not attain, but we disrespect that which we can't escape. With that said, you must remain a challenge. Do not make it easy for this woman. If she gives up, then you know that it wasn't meant to be. If she still persists, then you may have something worth having.

We value what we are fortunate to get; we discredit that with which we are stuck. So, let it show that she would be fortunate to have you. You don't need her, and always keep that in mind.

 

[KontrollerX]

110% agree with persistant exaction.

Don't send her the message you have planned to send her.

It only gives her validation that she is worth responding to.

Any chick head over heels for a guy who is going through a rough time in life will only want her man to be closer with her not push him away I don't even care if her psych doc story was true as again no chick head over heels for a guy is going to push that guy away when she's going through a tough time.

Go back to no contact.

Continue to move on to the bright future without her.

 

[brian123]

Went out tonight for a concert. Caught her out of the corner of my eye. I could tell she saw me. Right away she froze, and began to make a v-line for me (I could tell she was happy to see me). I pretended I didnt see her and kept walking.

Later on in the night she came over and tapped me on the arm, I just gave her a blow off hello and turned to my friend to talk.

 

[K2000kidd]

it sounds like your trying to game her
and hoping you may win her back
just my 2cents

 

[brian123]

it sounds like your trying to game her
and hoping you may win her back
just my 2cents

Yea, alot of me is still trying to game her and get her back. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but if I make HER win me back, then I figure that is the best option.

 

[decades]

Yea, alot of me is still trying to game her and get her back. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but if I make HER win me back, then I figure that is the best option.

You are still young and can overcome a lot of your AFC tendencies, and learn to be the DJ who gets the great women. There are fantastic new women out there for you but you have to power through this with NC, to get there.