"She Made Her Decision Before You Finished Your Sentence"

Three seconds. That's how long it took. Your shoes. Your posture. The way you held your drink. Whether you looked at the floor or looked at her.

She already filed you away. Interesting. Boring. Safe. Bold. Before you even opened your mouth.

Everything you say after that is just her confirming what she already decided.

So stop rehearsing lines. Fix the first three seconds. Stand tall. Look up. Smile like you mean it. Walk like you belong wherever you're standing.

The words come later. The impression comes first.

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How to deal with anxiety and the fear of failure?

bullethead

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I had a short 3 months relationship with this girl about 9 months ago. Back then we were in a step-up program where if we get a 3.5 gpa we go into a Ph. D program. During that term she cheated on me with a former friend 2 weeks before finals. I dumped her, but I was devastated. It affected my ability to perform well on the finals. Needless to say she got the 3.5 and I did not. She started the Ph.D program while I was allowed 2 more terms to reach the 3.5 cutoff. I made that 3.5 cutoff and will start the ph d program in 2 weeks, but now I associate every failure I have to her. Since I broke-up with her she slept with a lot of guys and many of my friends need to inform me of this. It went to a point where I couldn't take it anymore and confronted her in a club the last day of school. She was flirting with my former friend in front of me and I just exploded. I told him the she gave me a bj right before she hooked with him (true story). While I did sort of felt bad that I did that, that pressure that built up inside of me for many months was temporarily released. She sent me an email saying that I had no class and was pathetic 2 days later.She may have a point but I felt I needed to say something instead of holding it in. This was about a month ago. Now my self-esteem is a wreak. Every time I fail at something, such as being 5 mins late for work, not working hard enough at the gym, or not doing great on an assignment I feel extremely pathetic. Evey time I do something I have these anxiety attacks. I am returning to school in 2 weeks and I will see my former friend and ex. And the workload I have would be huge. I need to get rid of this anxiety but I can't for some reason. Today I had a huge panic attack at the gym. How do I deal with anxiety and the fear of failure that I associate with this girl?
 

"She's Out of Your League"

You've said it a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time you say it, you train your brain to freeze the next time she walks into the room.

Leagues are a myth invented by guys who are scared of women.

She's a person. She has bad breath in the morning. She picks songs she can't sing in the shower. She overthinks her own texts.

Walk over. Say something. The league dissolves the second you open your mouth.

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RedScorpion

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Not to push this line or anything, but this sounds a bit outside of a normal break-up process. Obviously this girl is being a huge *****, going far beyond being a douche about the breakup. But, I don't think having anxiety attacks is a natural part of the breakup, regardless of how it ended. You might need some sort of anti-depressant/anxiety medicine. Realize that you might not be fully in control of your actions. If your chemicals are all messed up, then it can make you feel like **** even if otherwise you should be relatively fine or merely saddened.

Myself, right now I'm on a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, for a few months now. Wasn't feeling motivated to eat before, couldn't sleep well. Doing decent currently, not awesome, but feeling like myself for the most part. Seeing the doctor next week to lower the dosage, then wean myself off them.

Obviously this whole process is up to you, and this is just my opinion. If nothing else, look up the 5 stages of loss. I think it may stem from having a lack of sense of control over the situation. When you want to control the situation, and you don't have an applicable input to change it, we panic, the level of panic varying on how important it is or seems to us. I know I've done it before. Not the greatest feeling. Part of it (and I'm still learning too), is to accept the things that you cannot control, and to let them go. It sucks, it really does. Oh yeah, one step I remember (from going through it myself) is to forgive them completely and utterly for everything. Good bad, whatever. I think you kind of forgive yourself in the process. And you kind of let go.

I'm still working on it myself so, it's something to work on.
 

bullethead

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RedScorpion said:
Not to push this line or anything, but this sounds a bit outside of a normal break-up process. Obviously this girl is being a huge *****, going far beyond being a douche about the breakup. But, I don't think having anxiety attacks is a natural part of the breakup, regardless of how it ended. You might need some sort of anti-depressant/anxiety medicine. Realize that you might not be fully in control of your actions. If your chemicals are all messed up, then it can make you feel like **** even if otherwise you should be relatively fine or merely saddened.

Myself, right now I'm on a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, for a few months now. Wasn't feeling motivated to eat before, couldn't sleep well. Doing decent currently, not awesome, but feeling like myself for the most part. Seeing the doctor next week to lower the dosage, then wean myself off them.

Obviously this whole process is up to you, and this is just my opinion. If nothing else, look up the 5 stages of loss. I think it may stem from having a lack of sense of control over the situation. When you want to control the situation, and you don't have an applicable input to change it, we panic, the level of panic varying on how important it is or seems to us. I know I've done it before. Not the greatest feeling. Part of it (and I'm still learning too), is to accept the things that you cannot control, and to let them go. It sucks, it really does. Oh yeah, one step I remember (from going through it myself) is to forgive them completely and utterly for everything. Good bad, whatever. I think you kind of forgive yourself in the process. And you kind of let go.

I'm still working on it myself so, it's something to work on.
Thanks man. Yea I am seeing a councilor about this. But I personally, meds would be the last resort. I think you nailed it on the head about being in control. I hate this process.
 

RedScorpion

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I hear ya. I'm going through a similar thing, kicked the girl I like out of my life for various reasons. Going through I think bargaining-depression right now lol. Kind of a process of wishing you could change just a few things about them and then it'd work. Like if mine wasn't a cheating flirting *****... argh lol. But y'know. Sucks moving on, especially when you don't have someone else lined up. That's the second key I guess.

About the meds, yeah I know, they were a last resort for me as well. Was getting to the point where I'd break down over nothing/stupid stuff, feeling almost suicidal, and I'm like, what the hell is wrong with me? This isn't how I am. And after a few weeks of this up and down, I gave in and got em. I can't say they make me happy, but I seem to bounce back alot quicker to normal. Negative is a bit of apathy. I don't know if it's because of the drugs or myself. I can't say they're miracle cures or guaranteed, but I can say they did and have helped out, and to not be afraid of em.
 

floydb25

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Gotta agree with the other guy. This sounds like there's an underlying issue at work. This isn't normal by sane people standards. There's too much going on.

What probably happened was, the traumatic event you went through was the trigger, but it was always there. Something big had to happen to set it off. This is generally how mental issues work - they're actually with you all along, lurking in the distance, setting up these scenerios for you to fail and hate the world. It's weird and crazy, in the subconscious. But, they come out eventually... Typically after they guide you towards disaster. You're basically ****ed from the beginning.

I was fine for the first, say, 15 years of my life - then a traumatic event happened, and the depression came in. Then, as I got involved with more and more trouble / bad people, and the depression worsened - I started getting major panic attacks. But, I had these things all along. Somewhere in the subconscious, I was being guided towards trouble: bullies, jerks, crazy *****es, skanks, losers, etc. I know deep down, looking back with a clear head, that I was seeking these people out, and hurting myself due to low self worth. That is why you seek these people out. Of course, I just blamed them for everything - when I was the crazy / dysfunctional one who got caught up in this crap, and fed my own misery / self hate over and over. I was eventually diagnosed with panic disorder, clinical depression, and I know for a fact that I have purely obsessional OCD. These are all pretty spot on.

To go Dr. Phil on you - you probably sought after her due to these underlying issues of low self worth, and so forth. She's just a scapegoat for your craziness. I mean, she's clearly a ***** / *****, and you're obsessed / depressed / panicking after only 3 months, and 9 months have passed. This isn't normal. Be honest with your own level of craziness, here. You sought her out - probably knowing she was no good - so you can feel miserable. Like I said, its crazy. You don't even realize it. But it IS connected. This is exactly how it works.

I would recommend taking medication IF a therapist does, and diagnoses you with such and such. I'd advise against not taking it. I regret not doing it sooner. I held off for years and years - until I finally realized I couldn't do it anymore. It was a last resort. I refused to take it. But it just got worse and worse. I'm really suprised it ended with depression, to be honest. Thought I was going insane.

My panic attacks went away once the medication started working, and I used to have several per day. The depression is far less worse than it was prior. I was miserable, had no will to live, just stared at the wall, and had no motivation. Which, of course, just attracted me to dysfunctional people. Medication has helped a lot, but its not child's play. Make sure you actually have mental issues, and are diagnosed properly.

Think about when you have an issue that requires medical attention. If you don't get it healed early - its just going to get worse, and spread to other parts of your body. Mental issues are the same way. If you are sick, and don't do anything about it, its not going to go away on its own. Getting over this girl isn't going to heal your problems, because she never caused them. Not to the extent that you describe, anyway. Most sane people get over this stuff - they don't obsess, taunt, dwell, go crazy, feed the misery, become jerks, etc, etc. Only crazy people do that.

If your family has a history of this stuff - its also more common to pick up. There's also usually an age range where they come in full effect. Teen - adolescent years are the prime, but they can go further. My mom has everything I do, and my dad had some, as well. And all the crazy *****es I dated did, as well. I had everything already in place to set it off, like you do. Damn crazy people!

So yea, I wouldn't worry about this girl. You're just crazy. :rockon:
 

"How I Made Sure No Woman Ever Friend-Zoned Me Again"

She calls you when her car breaks down. When she needs help moving. When some guy she's actually dating treats her badly.

You're the listener. The reliable one. The guy who would treat her so much better, if she'd just open her eyes.

She won't. You trained her to see you as the low-effort option — the friend who requires zero risk and zero investment. Every favor dug the hole deeper.

The "22 Rules" break the pattern. You'll stop auditioning for a role she already cast and become the man she chases instead. It starts with Rule 1.

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bullethead

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floydb25 said:
Gotta agree with the other guy. This sounds like there's an underlying issue at work. This isn't normal by sane people standards. There's too much going on.

What probably happened was, the traumatic event you went through was the trigger, but it was always there. Something big had to happen to set it off. This is generally how mental issues work - they're actually with you all along, lurking in the distance, setting up these scenerios for you to fail and hate the world. It's weird and crazy, in the subconscious. But, they come out eventually... Typically after they guide you towards disaster. You're basically ****ed from the beginning.

I was fine for the first, say, 15 years of my life - then a traumatic event happened, and the depression came in. Then, as I got involved with more and more trouble / bad people, and the depression worsened - I started getting major panic attacks. But, I had these things all along. Somewhere in the subconscious, I was being guided towards trouble: bullies, jerks, crazy *****es, skanks, losers, etc. I know deep down, looking back with a clear head, that I was seeking these people out, and hurting myself due to low self worth. That is why you seek these people out. Of course, I just blamed them for everything - when I was the crazy / dysfunctional one who got caught up in this crap, and fed my own misery / self hate over and over. I was eventually diagnosed with panic disorder, clinical depression, and I know for a fact that I have purely obsessional OCD. These are all pretty spot on.

To go Dr. Phil on you - you probably sought after her due to these underlying issues of low self worth, and so forth. She's just a scapegoat for your craziness. I mean, she's clearly a ***** / *****, and you're obsessed / depressed / panicking after only 3 months, and 9 months have passed. This isn't normal. Be honest with your own level of craziness, here. You sought her out - probably knowing she was no good - so you can feel miserable. Like I said, its crazy. You don't even realize it. But it IS connected. This is exactly how it works.

I would recommend taking medication IF a therapist does, and diagnoses you with such and such. I'd advise against not taking it. I regret not doing it sooner. I held off for years and years - until I finally realized I couldn't do it anymore. It was a last resort. I refused to take it. But it just got worse and worse. I'm really suprised it ended with depression, to be honest. Thought I was going insane.

My panic attacks went away once the medication started working, and I used to have several per day. The depression is far less worse than it was prior. I was miserable, had no will to live, just stared at the wall, and had no motivation. Which, of course, just attracted me to dysfunctional people. Medication has helped a lot, but its not child's play. Make sure you actually have mental issues, and are diagnosed properly.

Think about when you have an issue that requires medical attention. If you don't get it healed early - its just going to get worse, and spread to other parts of your body. Mental issues are the same way. If you are sick, and don't do anything about it, its not going to go away on its own. Getting over this girl isn't going to heal your problems, because she never caused them. Not to the extent that you describe, anyway. Most sane people get over this stuff - they don't obsess, taunt, dwell, go crazy, feed the misery, become jerks, etc, etc. Only crazy people do that.

If your family has a history of this stuff - its also more common to pick up. There's also usually an age range where they come in full effect. Teen - adolescent years are the prime, but they can go further. My mom has everything I do, and my dad had some, as well. And all the crazy *****es I dated did, as well. I had everything already in place to set it off, like you do. Damn crazy people!

So yea, I wouldn't worry about this girl. You're just crazy. :rockon:
haha holy **** you just blew my mind. Haha reading this def helped. I like you perspective... I may be crazy. But I refuse to believe it. The problem was, I received horrible advice on how to handle this situation. This girl is nuts, she would purposely flirt with other guys in front of me, and I was told to act like it didn't affect me. It did. And I held it in. The reason I believe I am still reeling from this pain, is that I am upset that I let it get to a point where it caused me to fail immensely. That is why I feel pathetic. And right before I confronted her, I thought I was going to fail at school again. But I didn't. I passed. I don't understand. I was always a happy kid growing up, I never had any issues, or family history. I just believe that I got shiit over so bad and lost control. But this is something I def want to discuss with my Councillor.
 

floydb25

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Please do, for your own good. Don't be thrown off if the counselor avoids the crazy ***** story, because that's usually just a symptom to a much larger, underlying issue (or 10). That's why they try to dig deep, and find the root causes - then go from there. There is probably a connection - akin to girls seeking out abusive boyfriends. We only see the symptom, since its what we're focused on and blame for everything, but they look deeper for the actual cause.

Make sure you have a good therapist, too, and take the proper medication. Not every pill works for everyone, and some of them come loaded with ****ty side effects. I had to go through 3 before finding one that actually works.

For now, take it as a health issue that needs to be addressed, then go from there. That's why we see doctors, right? To get checked out when we have problems. Therapists are just mental doctors - not physical ones. Same ****, different area. Don't hold off until you can't deal with it anymore.

Having an open mind is a must. Don't assume anything, or excuse what's going on. Of course, we all do that. I was in denial for the longest time.
 

bullethead

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floydb25 said:
Please do, for your own good. Don't be thrown off if the counselor avoids the crazy ***** story, because that's usually just a symptom to a much larger, underlying issue (or 10). That's why they try to dig deep, and find the root causes - then go from there. There is probably a connection - akin to girls seeking out abusive boyfriends. We only see the symptom, since its what we're focused on and blame for everything, but they look deeper for the actual cause.

Make sure you have a good therapist, too, and take the proper medication. Not every pill works for everyone, and some of them come loaded with ****ty side effects. I had to go through 3 before finding one that actually works.

For now, take it as a health issue that needs to be addressed, then go from there. That's why we see doctors, right? To get checked out when we have problems. Therapists are just mental doctors - not physical ones. Same ****, different area. Don't hold off until you can't deal with it anymore.

Having an open mind is a must. Don't assume anything, or excuse what's going on. Of course, we all do that. I was in denial for the longest time.
Thank you for the advise. Here is my drawback. I had a two real close friends who went through a heartbreaking breakup, they went to a therapist, therapist gave him meds. They went crazy or fell off the face of earth. I have another friend who got depressed when his mother died. He received medication and now, 5 years later, he is still taking them- and he has lost a lot of feelings in life. I have yet to see a success story of friends who took medication. But I will keep my mind open, as long as I can find my root cause, I think it would be a big step in the right direction.
 
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