How to break up when living together..?

[Jin]

Hey guys... havn't been here in awhile but its time for a refresh...

long story short.. we've been together through alot of **** together for about two years... I'm 24 right now and shes 26.... its getting really good now that we've figured each other out... but the problem is... I still want to travel and do crazy ****... not in a screw alot of chicks thing but other stuff... like skydiving and going to thailand to do some kickboxing and ect...ect...

shes seriously in love with me.. and its not a secret between us that her feelings are much stronger for me that mine are for her... but she still talks about marriage and "our kids" and stuff like that... but I have no plans to marry anytime soon.. much less have kids... shes like 26 and shes feeling that biological clock tick away and feels she "has to get married soon" and all that crap... I'm more of the life-time partner kinda idea without the legal contract thing... I mean if i feel like getting married one day to a chick, I have no problem doing it... but I think two people should stay together if they want to.. and shouldnt stay together just because they are "married"...

and I don't really have a reason to break up with her other than I want to be on my own again... for no other reason to just do other stuff I feel I wouldnt be able to do if I was with her... I guess I'm just guilt tripping myself because I'm gonna feel like **** if I do break it off... and even crazier is that things are awesome right now between us!!..lol..

the only salvation I have is that I'm working in Canada right now (I'm american and shes canadian) under the table.. but I have to get a work permit to stay here and get another job... if that doesn't happen then I will have to go back to the US..

any advice or tips of breaking it off smoothly... and without her hating me in the process..?

Best,

Jin

 

[wayword]

Well, she shouldn't hate you as it is because it's simply one of those circumstantial problems beyond both of your control.

At 26, if she ever plans on having a family, she needs to get serious with her relationships now, as her fertility window is closing. And potential fathers don't just pop up everyday - so it's not something women should put off till the last minute.

But at 24, you are not at that stage yet...

Therefore, you have both reached an impasse and deal-breaker. Although it's nothing personal, per se. This issue is actually VERY COMMON and causes a lot of break-ups - but shouldn't leave any hard feelings. Just emphasize that it's circumstantial and not personal.

 

[Jin]

One other question I have...

should I tell her now that I want to split..? I think that would not be good as the next month and a half would really suck... living together knowing that I'm leaving at the end..??

but I don't want to lead her on as well..

any suggestions in this area..?

Best,

Jin

 

[Phyzzle]

without her hating me in the process..?

There is no nice, sweet way to say "I don't want to be involved with you anymore." Don't keep your hopes up on having a friendship, and coming back to this chick 5 years from now and saying "okay, I'm ready. Let's get back together."

You've gotta make a list of everything she owns and everything you own. Get organized.

And don't wait til the day the lease runs out, then tell her "BTW, I'm dumping you" as you're moving out.

Just say you don't want to have kids this decade, and she deserves someone who does.

 

[princelydeeds]

Let your time play out there. Be nice to her keep things moving in the same direction. When its time for you to come back to the states just let the relationship fizzle. Blame it on the distance. No use hurting her when there will be a very natural break in your relationship anyway.

Keep one thing in mind, sometimes distance can spark a relationship. You might get away from her for a little while and start missing her. Living with someone at 24 is way too much pressure. Spend some time apart before you totally kick her to the curb.

 

[penkitten]

princely has a point.

 

[Phyzzle]

When its time for you to come back to the states just let the relationship fizzle.

No, that seems sadistic. Don't give her false hope and string her along while she sits by the phone for 3 months. Just get it over with.

But Princely does have a very good point. I've seen guys post here saying, "everything is perfect with my beautiful, woshipful girlfriend, so what's the best way to kick her a$$ to the curb?"

I mean, WTF do you want dude?

As Tony Montana said, "I wish I had problems like that!"

(But if you gotta dump her, my advice still stands.)

 

[dietzcoi]

It will depend on what she is like. You know best. If you think she will throw fits, trash all your belongings, call the police on you, etc, etc, you WILL have to lie, return to the USA quietly and calmly, and then break up with her once you are safe. If she is reasonable then you might be able to talk it out.

I have seen both of the above situations occur and beleive me the friend who was with the psycho has BIG problems escaping the situation. So before you take the Oprah-like advice of telling her up front, be sure you have an idea of how she will react.

Under no circumstances do you give in to her and get married and have kids.. you will regret it forever..

DIetzcoi

 

[RedPill]

Alright, let's recap the situation:

• You've been dating her since you were 22.
• You want to have your youthful fun, as you should. And yes, this should include banging various women. Suppressing your desire for this is unhealthy.
• This woman is trying to force her agenda, the AFC provider agenda, on you.
• It's known by BOTH of you that there is not mutual interest in the relationship.
• You feel you need some sort of reason to break up with her other than because you want to get rid of the ball and chain that she's become. Now is not a time to feel, it's a time to think. This is YOUR life we're talking about.
• The above list I've created totally negates your statement that "everything's awesome."

Jin, I think you are already aware of all the junk I just pointed out, but you're afraid of the fact that once you ditch her, she's gonna be very upset because her unrealistic expectations of you were just trashed, after two years of creating this idealized fantasy involving you. She'll never want to see you again. You have a choice, as we all often do, between doing the easy thing and doing the right thing.

You'll never regret doing the right thing.

 

[Latinoman]

I vote for princelydeeds advice for a number of reasons. One main reason being what dietzcoi said. I mean, we don't know what the reaction might be.

And let be honest...the relationship is going to end ANYHOW when you are forced to come back to the U.S.

If you have to come back to the States by let's say less than 3 months? Then wait until then.

If you get your working visa by say less than 3 months? Then wait until then.

But do not wait longer (stringing her along). And to avoid drama (e.g. she reporting you for working illegaly in Canada)...and trust me, women when hurt do some UNCHARACTERISTIC things. I know.

It is your call.

 

[Jin]

Hey guys..

thanks for the advice.. its funny as I was writing it I was thinking the same thoughts in my head.. "If its so awesome why do I want out!?"

have you guys ever been with a girl that was great but after awhile you felt it was time to move on.. and you had no real reason why... you just did..??

yeah.. thats me... lol...

And because I do know her.. I'm gonna have to go with dietzcoi... in the past shes been a little... how shall we say.. loco..? :nervous:

and no worries about getting married and having kids... I'm not smoking massive amounts of crack thank you very much.. :nono:

I'll have to wait it out and see what happens in about a month... i think I can last that long...

Best,

Jin

 

[Egoist]

I have been in the same situation before, man.

All I can say is, well, it hurts either way, but you have to cut it and move on.

be a man, tell her how you feel, tell her you need to move one with your life.

Leaving my gf of many years was the hardest thing i've ever done, but it allowed me to move on and become a better man. I still love her, she'll always have a place in my heart, but it was ultimately a right thing to do.


You have a choice. You can be a pu&&y and stay with her and become a miserable boy-husband.

or

You can choose to become a man and end it, and go out there and conquer the world, live, learn, etc.

Yes its hard, yes it painful, but ultimately going through that and dealing with it will make you a better, stronger, wiser person.

Because no matter what weaklings say, you have to follow your own path and destiny. Everyone else is just along for the ride.

 

[WestCoaster]

I don't know the advice to give, I do know you're a good example of why one shouldn't be tied down or looking to be settled down in one's early 20's. At first I was going to say, "Why would you live with a gal at 24" and so forth.

But then I remember my early AFC 20's. I thought about marriage more back then than I do now. Society was pounding its messages into my head, there was no sosuave back then, and like I said, I was a total AFC.

Here's a funny book I saw at the bookstore today, and it appears to be pretty true. Women won't like it, but that's not the book's target audience:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/03...=pd_bbs_1/102-3853266-1568908?ie=UTF8&s=books

 

[Jin]

Hey guys.. sorry for dragging this post up rom the bottom but I just got a chance to read all the replies today...

Well... my situation is unique in the fact that the guy I'm working for has an arrangement with the Staff Housing in that we get to stay for free.. so the problem is... if I break up with her right now... she will have nowhere to go.. and I can't go because I need this job and it ends after Labor Day weekend..
meaning I can't get away from her if I break up with her now.... which means we will still have to live together but in a really weird and uncomfortable situation..

this is one of those times where I have to tell her I have to do my own thing and then ten minutes later get on a plane...lol...

anyone been in a situation where you broke up but couldn't get away from the chick..? how did you deal with it..?

thanks for the input guys.. definitly helping me stay on track... I know I will end it... but as they say.. Its all about timing...

Best,

Jin

 

[penkitten]

being with someone you dont wanna be with, makes everything miserable.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

being with someone you dont wanna be with, makes everything miserable.

Been there. When you really think about it is all the "savings" you keep while staying together really worth as much as your freedom and peace of mind?

Just something to think about.

 

[penkitten]

Been there. When you really think about it is all the "savings" you keep while staying together really worth as much as your freedom and peace of mind?

Just something to think about.

thats exactly the point i was trying to make.
even if you have to figure out who keeps the place and who moves to keep the other from being homeless, at least you arent having to end up going home to someone you are broke up with for the sake of "until the lease runs out."

 

[In Like Flynn]

going to thailand to do some kickboxing

Is that what they call it these days?

 

[Cod3r]

thanks for the advice.. its funny as I was writing it I was thinking the same thoughts in my head.. "If its so awesome why do I want out!?"

have you guys ever been with a girl that was great but after awhile you felt it was time to move on.. and you had no real reason why... you just did..??

I'm in a slightly different situation than you, a little more extreme with my gf being alot older than yours, but me and you being around the same age... She's expressed she wants kids and marriage and all that, I feel the same way and want those things with her too... but scared cuz i'm sooo young (22) don't want to break up but don't want to string her along... her biological clock is serioussssly ticking lol 30's She even said she wanted me to bust inside her after her period where there is NO chance of anything... uh huh sureeee... no mistakes here... noooooo way... sorry offtopic but anyway

It's hard when you have no reason to break up with a girl other than wanting to try new things and just live life and meet other people. I swear i'm almost at that point, I love my gf to death but sometimes I just miss coming home from work and going to sleep or sitting down watching football instead of despearate housewives u know ?? Or not having to think about anyone else besides myself..

I do have to side with the girl tho, naturally she's going to want to take it further, no fault of her own... just human nature and it sucks that just the timing sucks and you can't go further.... she's probably a GREAT girl and doing that to someone you love is a horrible feeling... i can't imagine... i couldn't imagine breaking up with my girl... horrible feeling


-Cod3r