How to balance validation and disinterest, and how to validate

[oldmanofthesea]

I'm looking for tips on how to strike the balance between validation and disinterest, especially very early (like first date through first six weeks of dating), and on the proper way to validate women.

I've read some things that say to NEVER validate. But if all you do is go between acting neutral and disinterested, I would imagine she's going to bail, especially if it's before you sleep together. I say "imagine" because this is new to me and I don't have much experience acting disinterested beyond experimenting with increasing the amount of time I wait to communicate between dates (and I have found in most cases that waiting more than two days reduces my success and results in her simply not responding back at all because she thinks I'm not interested). I know that disinterest is more than just waiting to call or not communicating much over text - it's also about the things you say like, "Oh you have cats? I've met a lot of crazy cat ladies - I don't know if this is going to work." etc. But the bottom line is that I need help understanding how to balance the push vs pull.

And the second part of the question is: When you DO validate women, how should you go about it? I've read so much conflicting info on this. Some say to never compliment directly. IE instead of "You have incredible legs" you might say, "Those jeans look great on you." Some say to never compliment on anything physical and instead compliment on something about their personality or what they have achieved. And some say never compliment at all.

 

[ohrein]

You shouldn't act disinterested directly, it should be through your actions and being a busy guy with a life to live. When you do end up in contact with them you should be acting interested and making them feel good. You just want the space in between contact to actually allow her that anticipation and day dreaming time until you meet or contact again. The only time you should be acting disinterested is if she does something you dislike, then you calmly let her know that her actions are displeasing or childish and leave space again. That will often get the strongest reaction because of the fear of losing you. But I don't think any of this should be a game you force, it should just be congruent with who you are.

 

[Trump]

I'm looking for tips on how to strike the balance between validation and disinterest, especially very early (like first date through first six weeks of dating), and on the proper way to validate women.

I've read some things that say to NEVER validate. But if all you do is go between acting neutral and disinterested, I would imagine she's going to bail, especially if it's before you sleep together. I say "imagine" because this is new to me and I don't have much experience acting disinterested beyond experimenting with increasing the amount of time I wait to communicate between dates (and I have found in most cases that waiting more than two days reduces my success and results in her simply not responding back at all because she thinks I'm not interested). I know that disinterest is more than just waiting to call or not communicating much over text - it's also about the things you say like, "Oh you have cats? I've met a lot of crazy cat ladies - I don't know if this is going to work." etc. But the bottom line is that I need help understanding how to balance the push vs pull.

And the second part of the question is: When you DO validate women, how should you go about it? I've read so much conflicting info on this. Some say to never compliment directly. IE instead of "You have incredible legs" you might say, "Those jeans look great on you." Some say to never compliment on anything physical and instead compliment on something about their personality or what they have achieved. And some say never compliment at all.

Bro you are completely falling into a women’s frame with all these questions. Dont listen to all that crap advice; ‘Act disterested, pretend to be busy, have a life, wait a week to call, make her validate herself, be mysterious, etc, etc, etc, etc. It’s all JUNK advice. It will screw you up royally.

You know what should guide you with girls? Your own sexuality sprinkled with a some sugar. As long as what a girls does fits into what’s you want, that’s all that matters. Once you start deviating from that, it will mess you up.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I appreciate the replies guys. I've had some challenges though, so clearly what I'm doing naturally is not working, so I'm trying to figure out what I need to change up to get better success.

 

[RangerMIke]

Bro you are completely falling into a women’s frame with all these questions. Dont listen to all that crap advice; ‘Act disterested, pretend to be busy, have a life, wait a week to call, make her validate herself, be mysterious, etc, etc, etc, etc. It’s all JUNK advice. It will screw you up royally.

You know what should guide you with girls? Your own sexuality sprinkled with a some sugar. As long as what a girls does fits into what’s you want, that’s all that matters. Once you start deviating from that, it will mess you up.

Act like a man... go for what you want, if she's game, then great, otherwise go find another chick to fvck. Never pretend to be anything... acting busy doesn't work, you have to actually BE BUSY with things that you are interested in so if a chick blows you off, you really don't care because you have other chicks to bang or things to do.

You have to get to the point where if a chick flakes on you... you almost are glad... because now you get to hit on other chicks or do something that you want to do. What you do is you think about what you would be doing if you didn't get this particular chick you wanted. And if it is something that sucks... plan something else, then do that if things go sideways.

 

[Murk]

Following on from Amante I noticed when I tell women I'm dating I get very good responses from them and stronger interest. I'm called a serial dater and I don't shy away from that at all, women will ask me quite personal questions about sex etc and become very sexual with me. Back in the day I used to be overtly sexual, I still do but women will open up sexual talk to me more often these days.

Anyway, I pay compliments to women, I try not to over do it though, there is no right or wrong answer, everyone is different and each situation requires a different approach, no one size fits all.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Thanks guys. Amante: That makes a lot of sense. I guess my only followup question is related to the man being wanted by many other women and having the girls you date be aware of this. I've read a lot about that..... but the common theme seems to be that you can't be overt about her knowing it - you can't just tell her (unless she asks first maybe) or do stupid obvious things like post a bunch of pictures of you with women on social media. So aside from just dating multiple women at the same time and hoping that you have an "aura" about you that says "I have options" as a result, I'm not sure how else to go about that.

 

[RangerMIke]

Things like this often end up complicated and advice can often seem conflicting because people are trying too hard to come up with a specific rule of some kind that can be followed and repeated over and over again for success. Those people are taking a very simple principle and are just running way too far and deep with it.

Men like to fix things with tools... we often want to know what 'tool' (i.e. rule) will work with what chick problem. But this doesn't work with chicks because chicks are a lot better at relationship cr@p than we are. While we are trying to figure out how to hit a curve ball, or dribble a soccer ball, chicks from when they are old enough to tell the difference between boys and girls start to study how to emotionally manipulate us... read our body language, and guess what we are thinking.

They are relationship ninjas... so by the time boys hit puberty, and chicks discover the power their bodies have over boys... the adolescent male is fvcked... unless he happens to have a male authority figure in his life that knows how to properly treat women.

You really can't play games and win with chicks. The only thing you can do is be the very best man you can be and not care if you win or lose... and walk away when it's not fun anymore. If the chick likes you, she'll do things that indicate her interest and hope you do something... then it's up to you to make another run at her. But if you are doing things correctly, you likely will not want to waste time with chicks that are making things difficult.

 

[devilkingx2]

I like to make sure to directly state most of my likes and dislikes throughout conversation and in our interactions, this way she knows what to do and what not to do

I act normal (read: however I feel like) normally, when she does something I like I give her extra praise and affection and generally try to be nicer, when she does something I don't like I give her a warning then if she keeps doing it I start ignoring her and talk to other girls, if she makes a habit of doing stuff I don't like or doesn't care/seem sorry for pissing me off then I'll drop her for good

for example when a girl says something I like, like "I love anal" I'll say something that implies that we'll be talking for a long time in the future like "let me clear every saturday for the next year hold on"

and when a girl says something I don't like, usually something dry or boring or one word answers, I'll be like "oh I guess you want this conversation to be over" and then get ready to go do something else unless she saves it

 

[devilkingx2]

but they want all of these things from a man who is wanted by many other women. THAT is what makes these actions meaningful.

I think some people take this too far and make it sound like all women are closet cuckold fetishists (or rather the female variant, cuckquean)

 

[devilkingx2]

How often do you find yourself desiring a woman that no other man wants?

personally I despise competing and avoid it whenever I can, I'm not the kind of guy who AMOGs or lets other guys try to AMOG him, if you want her go get her I'll find another

I have never once seen an episode of the bachelorette and thought to myself "man I love a woman surrounded by other guys" hell I used to swipe left on tinder when girls had pictures of themselves surrounded by a bunch of other dudes (obviously not if they were strangers in public or part of a team or something)

I remember back in high school (5 years ago, 10th grade ish) my friend adam wanted nothing to do with this one girl we both agreed was pretty good looking because she was always around other guys and he said something like "that's a disaster waiting to happen" so I don't think it's a totally uncommon sentiment

your girl having options means you have to be on your best behavior or chad will be fvcking her tonight instead of you, even assuming you never fvck up with women, why would you want things to be harder and less relaxed for you? why would you want the girl to have leverage?

 

[Murk]

It’s not the actual dating multiple women, it’s the fact other women desire you that a women likes. It’s the social proof, it’s the “oh, she likes him, he must be worthy”, it’s the fear of missing out too.

I don’t think it applies as much to men, I agree a women with many orbiters and guys surrounding her and going on dates, does not appeal to me. But I want my women to be desired by other guys, I want guys to check my girl out. As much as it annoys me, I like coming back from a bar or toilet and some guy is try to talk to my girl. It’s validating your choice of women. That’s the basis of this.

 

[devilkingx2]

It’s not the actual dating multiple women, it’s the fact other women desire you that a women likes. It’s the social proof, it’s the “oh, she likes him, he must be worthy”, it’s the fear of missing out too.

I think that for a girl who already likes you, jealousy can be a powerful motivator

as for girls who aren't solidly into you yet I think it's a correlation =/= causation situation

something that would make any individual girl like you would make others like you too, and if other girls don't like you then it's likely that on an individual level this one girl won't either

if she likes you for your good looks, wit and charm, is she the only girl in the world who likes those things? definitely not lol

But I want my women to be desired by other guys, I want guys to check my girl out. As much as it annoys me, I like coming back from a bar or toilet and some guy is try to talk to my girl. It’s validatinf your choice. That’s the basis of this.

I agree sort of, I want my girl wearing booty shorts even though I know it turns other guys on and they love it and like to stare too, but that's because I am also a guy, I have the exact same enjoyment of and desire to see a nice ass, if she dressed in a way that didn't titillate other guys, it wouldn't titillate me either

that's why I never understood those religions that cover up the women, sure she's not appealing to other guys, but she's not appealing to you either, so what's the point?

 

[Murk]

It’s not going to make a girl want you, it’s going to make her want you MORE. The initial attraction has to be there, it’s just further validation when you’re in demand, and confident enough to go out and attract women.

 

[devilkingx2]

Nobody WANTS to compete, and it is your free choice not to compete. You are free to go find yourself a fat, ugly, b1tchy, undesirable woman and live in your uncompetitive bliss right now, never to worry that anyone will steal her away, but to argue that such a view is typical of men or women in general is foolish. Most people, men and women alike, most often find themselves attracted to people that others consider attractive as well. It is not a theory. It is a fact of life.

well it depends on if you mean wanted by other guys in theory or in practice

I like a girl with big boobs, big boobs are popular with men, so in theory every time I hit on a girl with DDs I am talking to a girl theoretically desired by other men (because you can only speculate on what she does when you're not around so you don't know if she's lonely from being ignored by men and you're the only guy talking to her or if she has 10 sideguys and gets hit on daily) so in that sense I agree

however most of my examples are obviously in the practical sense, you'd want to be on the bachelor not the bachelorette, you don't want to be competing with 10 other guys for this one girl and having to do so makes her less desirable

a girl I would like is likely to be liked by other guys too, however once she's so desired that I need to beat the other guys off her with a stick and she can replace me in an instant my d!ck goes soft

 

[devilkingx2]

So again, I ask you, how often do you find yourself attracted to a woman that no other men find attractive?

How do i know what other men find attractive in the moment?

Also funny enough, historically speaking me and my friends have always had wildly differing tastes in women, so there's been plenty of times where i was like "ooh she's cute" and my friends were like "no way bruh" and vice versa

Do you really think most women will date an undesirable guy just for the benefit of no competition? Are you really trying to sell that?

No I'm trying to sell:

as for girls who aren't solidly into you yet I think it's a correlation =/= causation situation

something that would make any individual girl like you would make others like you too, and if other girls don't like you then it's likely that on an individual level this one girl won't either

if she likes you for your good looks, wit and charm, is she the only girl in the world who likes those things? definitely not lol

If you were on a deserted island with one girl would you become less attractive because no other women are around to want you? Would she be less attractive?

If you were in an engineering program so there was like 5 girls and 95 men, would you be less attractive than if you were in nursing with 5 men and 95 girls?

 

[MrWood]

no idea about this thread... but:

1. I actually refuse to stand in a circle with 5 other (usally married guys) around the 1 or 2 HB in a fubction/meeting/gathering setting
Girl is getting way too much attention for you to register in her view of all the handsome AFC betabucks... other women that might come by will see you are just another hungry wolf begging for a scrap from HB

2. Women will see you looking, glancing and interacting with -HB7 and instantly put you well below her +HB7, you will never climb above in her mind,
and all of her friends


1. dont be a pack wolf
2. only go for GOLD

 

[IKO69]

The only tip you need is to not care. While you are talking to a woman if in the back of your mind you are assessing whether you are showing too much interest, or need to show a lack of, then you've already blown it. You are treating this other person as if they are superior to you and you are a piece of ****. Whether you realize it or not this is putting her on the pedestal behavior - you can't do that. You have to go in knowing you are prize and while not necessarily come across as if you are doing her a favor by letting her talk to you, you have to know are worthy. How do you know if you are worthy? What are you doing with your life. If you are doing things with your life, aka you have a purpose, this will naturally rub off. I'm not saying to not be interested in other people, just don't downplay yourself as a piece of **** and don't spend your time analyzing every single thing. Just go in, do and say what you think is best (within reason) and let the chips fall where they may. If things don't pan out you'll know better for next time.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Just go in, do and say what you think is best (within reason) and let the chips fall where they may. If things don't pan out you'll know better for next time.

Thanks for the reply. This is very much in-line with what others have said. The problem is that whatever I've been doing hasn't been working for me and I don't know better for next time because women are not honest, logical, and sincere in their reasons for breaking up with you. It's always some generic BS like "Things moved way too fast" (this from a girl who said she loved me about 3-4 weeks into dating and wanted to hold my hand everywhere), "I'm not ready for a relationship", "I felt overwhelmed" blah blah blah. Every compliment I gave to her was genuine and sincere. So given that, I really have no way to know if I'm showing interest too much, or too little. Or hell, it could be something else completely.

So between a couple of failed 2-month relationships that played out as explained above, and a recent string of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd dates that didn't go anywhere, this is why I'm digging for a possible common thread as to what I've been doing wrong.

 

[nismo-4]

I agree. I just think guys should understand that there is a reason why a woman will like a man who does something, yet will dislike another man who does the same exact thing. Who a man really is will either inject meaning into his gestures or will take all meaning out of it, which alludes to what you're saying.

I agree with this, though it all goes to how attractive the girl perceives you to be in her eyes. If you're attractive, your ability to design levels for Candy Crush is sexy to her.

I'd rather take investment advice from Warren Buffett than some random dude who gets lucky on occasion (and parrots off things millionaires say)

Most women like when men do stuff after they're successful, and not just trying to get there. But there are always X-factors.