How the &^%$ Do I Tell My Girlfriend this???

[gravityeyelids]

Ok so i've been with this great girl for like half a year now and she's beautiful and fantastic and has a great personality and everything. She's prettier than most girls wearing makeup when she doesnt wear makeup, and when she gets done-up she's a knockout. She's not self-conscious, which is normally a huge turnon. However, she doesn't care about her appearance usually. And it's killing my attraction for her. She'll show up to hangout in a baggy shirt and crummy old gym shorts, doesn't usually wear any type of jewelry, never does her hair or really even brushes it unless she's going out, and usually only showers every other day. She is not a girly girly and is really into the outdoors, etc.

I just see all these other girls around that look smoking hot, and even her roommates dress sexy and it kills me because I know my girlfriend can be better looking than them, but I still want them more than my GF

I am a very well groomed guy. I take care of my appearance, workout every day, eat really well, dress great even when im just running errands or lounging around.

She's resentful of all the girls who "paint up" their face with makeup and wear tight clothes, even though she has a great figure. Shes really smart so she likely thinks they're shallow and dumb (which many of them are). I always make comments of how I love it when she dresses up nice and puts makeup on, so she knows, but she doesnt know how much it bugs me. How do I tell her this without being an *******? I just feel like I put so much effort into my appearance and she isn't doing anything to maintain attraction on her end. It's not quite a relationship killer- but it's close.

I know some of you are going to tell me im a shallow guy who should pay attention to her inner beauty. But **** off. If my **** isn't hard for my girlfriend on a regular basis than this is a problem. I don't wanna jump her bones any more. I don't want to dump her because shes fantastic in every other way. Please help.

 

[GetFit66]

Gimme yo woman she's meant for me

 

[gravityeyelids]

Gimme yo woman she's meant for me

Hah at first I liked it and was happy to have a girl that didn't care what people think. But after a while it wears on me. I guess I like the more done-up girls. She says she doesnt care how I look and dress, which is know is Horse**** because whenever I show up looking and smelling and feeling like a million bucks she's all over me playing grabass and trying to get me into bed.

It's probably something that I just need to accept or move on to another girl. It's a fundamental difference between us that is probably not going to change. It's driving me nuts though, and I wish it werent.

 

[GetFit66]

It's really quite a small thing in the big picture, other than on a superficial level, does it really matter ?

 

[gravityeyelids]

It's really quite a small thing in the big picture, other than on a superficial level, does it really matter ?

It does if it's killing my physical attraction for her and is making me want to bang every other hot girl on campus besides her. I'd say that's more than a small thing. Physical attraction is part of what keeps the fire burning, esp once the honeymoon phase is over.

 

[JoeMarron]

Red flag. If she knows you like it when she dresses up and she still doesn't do it then she obviously doesn't have high enough interest in you. I'd go ahead and tell her at this point. If she gives you an attitude, drama or anything like that then start distancing yourself from her. She'll either start changing to please you or she won't care and the relationship will be over. Don't be scared to demand want you want from your girl. You'd better believe if you were doing something she didn't like she'd call you out on it in a heartbeat.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Unfortunately, you want her to be something that she's not. I don't blame you as I would feel the same way, but she's not likely to change.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Don't feel bad about wanting her to dress better. When you're in a relationship with someone, both people should be mindful of doing stuff that keeps the other person attracted to them.

The main problem here, though, is that you knew how she was from day one, and now you're trying to change her. And, quite honestly, the other part of the problem is you lied to yourself by trying to act like it wouldn't matter, when in reality it does. So now, you have to either talk to her about it and hope she changes up her style, or you have to realize that it DOES bug you, and find someone new to date.

What I have found is that, if a girl likes you, she's usually open to suggestions about any change ups you'd like because she wants to keep you. The first suggestion I'd have would be to buy her some stuff you'd like to see her in. She's more likely to wear something new if you buy it for her - it ain't gotta be expensive either. Go to a Ross's or a Marshalls and pick something out in her size.

You could also try going the "mutually agreed upon maintenance" route. After a few months of dating both partners may start realizing there are things about the other person that are bugging them, but they don't mention it because they are afraid of hurting the other person's feelings. So, instead, you go to her and say "hey - we've been dating for x-amount of time, we should sit down and do a relationship check up just to see where we're at."

During this conversation, you can bring up the things you really like about the person (i.e. "I love that you're so giving, you're great at making me feel cared for") as well as things that you feel could be changed up (i.e. "I love you for who you are, and I think your inner beauty is great. I just think you could accentuate that with some different clothes. I like when you dress up or wear cute tops, and I don't want to change you, but I also know that I get really turned on when you wear clothes that are more girlie because you look sexy in them.")

Note: if you go the second route, which I highly recommend, be prepared to hear some criticisms about yourself. This is not a bad thing - if it's coming from a loving place, it's good to give her a forum where she can discuss grievances about you so neither of you are secretly holding back things that bug you about the other. But it's a great way to make sure the other person knows where you're coming from. Hopefully, it will help you to get your girlfriend to think about her clothing options when she comes around you. Heck, you can even offer to go to the store and help her go shopping - but remember, if she doesn't decide to change up, it's in her right. It's also in your right to find someone else if you feel it will really be a hindrance to you.

Hope this helps! For more great tips, check out my daily podcast in the link below!!

 

[zinc4]

Ok so i've been with this great girl for like half a year now and she's beautiful and fantastic and has a great personality and everything. She's prettier than most girls wearing makeup when she doesnt wear makeup, and when she gets done-up she's a knockout. She's not self-conscious, which is normally a huge turnon. However, she doesn't care about her appearance usually. And it's killing my attraction for her. She'll show up to hangout in a baggy shirt and crummy old gym shorts, doesn't usually wear any type of jewelry, never does her hair or really even brushes it unless she's going out, and usually only showers every other day. She is not a girly girly and is really into the outdoors, etc.

I just see all these other girls around that look smoking hot, and even her roommates dress sexy and it kills me because I know my girlfriend can be better looking than them, but I still want them more than my GF

I am a very well groomed guy. I take care of my appearance, workout every day, eat really well, dress great even when im just running errands or lounging around.

She's resentful of all the girls who "paint up" their face with makeup and wear tight clothes, even though she has a great figure. Shes really smart so she likely thinks they're shallow and dumb (which many of them are). I always make comments of how I love it when she dresses up nice and puts makeup on, so she knows, but she doesnt know how much it bugs me. How do I tell her this without being an *******? I just feel like I put so much effort into my appearance and she isn't doing anything to maintain attraction on her end. It's not quite a relationship killer- but it's close.

I know some of you are going to tell me im a shallow guy who should pay attention to her inner beauty. But **** off. If my **** isn't hard for my girlfriend on a regular basis than this is a problem. I don't wanna jump her bones any more. I don't want to dump her because shes fantastic in every other way. Please help.

Hey, 2 things here:

My GF is the same way.....high quality secure woman don't feel the need to show off as much when in a relationship....the really insecure ones are always dressed and made up to the hilt and looking seductively sexy....it's all that they can measure themselves with...and those kind are only good for sex, not relationships...but it is quite the paradox...and i am the same as you..it kills my attraction a little when my GF isn't dressed sexy all of the time...but it is very very superficial.

Also, you are both very comfortable with each other from the sounds of it and the honey moon phase has worn off an reality has set in...it's very difficult to stay that attracted to the same person for a long time....even if she was dressed sexy all the time, there would likely be another reason in your mind.

And in my opinion, you are also like me in that you are not really ready to only be with one girl or this wouldn't phase you as much as it does and you wouldn't be wanting to bang her friends as much.....

I wouldn't get down on myself if i were you....some people just aren't ready for LTRs...i am one of them..you should take a break from her and follow your urges now while you are young or this will always be a problem no matter the girl and no matter what she is or isn't doing.

 

[gravityeyelids]

Red flag. If she knows you like it when she dresses up and she still doesn't do it then she obviously doesn't have high enough interest in you. I'd go ahead and tell her at this point. If she gives you an attitude, drama or anything like that then start distancing yourself from her. She'll either start changing to please you or she won't care and the relationship will be over. Don't be scared to demand want you want from your girl. You'd better believe if you were doing something she didn't like she'd call you out on it in a heartbeat.

Oh **** you're right. She must not like me enough! Shoot why didn't I think of that?!? You're right, I'll just tell her i dont think she's pretty anymore cause she dresses like crap. Hopefully she doesn't give me ANY attitude for telling her she's being unattractive. Because then I'll have to start ignoring my girlfriend that's in love with me.

Sorry dude but you're way off the mark on this one. This girl is crazy for me.

Atom Smasher, Harry Wilmington, zinc4 thanks for the input...you guys are right. I'm gonna try to keep reminding myself of everything I love about her and try to frame it as a good thing. As GetFit66 made clear....lots of guys would kill to have a girl that doesn't obsess over her looks and focus on the superficial stuff.

That being said, i'm going to make a point to be very sexual and charming with her when she dresses nice, tell her how sexy she looks when shes done-up nicely....and at the same time i'll be a little bit less sexual and interested when she doesn't put a lot of effort into her appearance.

 

[gravityeyelids]

And in my opinion, you are also like me in that you are not really ready to only be with one girl or this wouldn't phase you as much as it does and you wouldn't be wanting to bang her friends as much.....

I wouldn't get down on myself if i were you....some people just aren't ready for LTRs...i am one of them..you should take a break from her and follow your urges now while you are young or this will always be a problem no matter the girl and no matter what she is or isn't doing.

Yea, i'm kind of uncomfortable being in a relationship to be honest. hah i like being single too much. I like the chase. If she wasn't such a great girl with a perfect personality (not needy or dramatic or anything) i would think about breaking it off with her. But i'm happy with her and it would absolutely crush her since we're having a great time with each other.

 

[skinnyguy]

I think the problem is that girls get bummy when in relationships. When single they have to look their best at all times. Same works for guys. My cousin's husband looks a homeless person with all his facial hair and raggedy clothing.

 

[JoeMarron]

Oh **** you're right. She must not like me enough! Shoot why didn't I think of that?!? You're right, I'll just tell her i dont think she's pretty anymore cause she dresses like crap. Hopefully she doesn't give me ANY attitude for telling her she's being unattractive. Because then I'll have to start ignoring my girlfriend that's in love with me.

Sorry dude but you're way off the mark on this one. This girl is crazy for me.

So if she's behaving in a manner that shows high interest then clearly you haven't made it clear enough what the issue is. If she truly is crazy about you then she'll make an effort to change for you. Obviously you arent gonna be that blunt about it. Like others have said youre gonna have to either bring it up to her and hope she changes, accept her for who she is, or move on and find someone who you're more compatible with.

 

[pinkfl]

Don't feel bad about wanting her to dress better. When you're in a relationship with someone, both people should be mindful of doing stuff that keeps the other person attracted to them.

The main problem here, though, is that you knew how she was from day one, and now you're trying to change her. And, quite honestly, the other part of the problem is you lied to yourself by trying to act like it wouldn't matter, when in reality it does. So now, you have to either talk to her about it and hope she changes up her style, or you have to realize that it DOES bug you, and find someone new to date.

What I have found is that, if a girl likes you, she's usually open to suggestions about any change ups you'd like because she wants to keep you. The first suggestion I'd have would be to buy her some stuff you'd like to see her in. She's more likely to wear something new if you buy it for her - it ain't gotta be expensive either. Go to a Ross's or a Marshalls and pick something out in her size.

You could also try going the "mutually agreed upon maintenance" route. After a few months of dating both partners may start realizing there are things about the other person that are bugging them, but they don't mention it because they are afraid of hurting the other person's feelings. So, instead, you go to her and say "hey - we've been dating for x-amount of time, we should sit down and do a relationship check up just to see where we're at."

During this conversation, you can bring up the things you really like about the person (i.e. "I love that you're so giving, you're great at making me feel cared for") as well as things that you feel could be changed up (i.e. "I love you for who you are, and I think your inner beauty is great. I just think you could accentuate that with some different clothes. I like when you dress up or wear cute tops, and I don't want to change you, but I also know that I get really turned on when you wear clothes that are more girlie because you look sexy in them.")

Note: if you go the second route, which I highly recommend, be prepared to hear some criticisms about yourself. This is not a bad thing - if it's coming from a loving place, it's good to give her a forum where she can discuss grievances about you so neither of you are secretly holding back things that bug you about the other. But it's a great way to make sure the other person knows where you're coming from. Hopefully, it will help you to get your girlfriend to think about her clothing options when she comes around you. Heck, you can even offer to go to the store and help her go shopping - but remember, if she doesn't decide to change up, it's in her right. It's also in your right to find someone else if you feel it will really be a hindrance to you.

Hope this helps! For more great tips, check out my daily podcast in the link below!!

Best advice I've seen on this forum.

Yes. Long term relationships take effort and work. It's easy to get complacent.

Also, another recommendation is to say "I want to go out somewhere nice for a date. Let's get dressed up". Giving her a REASON to get dressed up might help matters as well.

 

[The Duke]

Gravity- she's probably not the right type of girl for you. But girls like her are the most loyal and play the least amount of games. Its all a bunch of trade offs and compromises. You have to decide what you can and can't live with. Don't expect someone to change who they are because in the end she won't be happy and neither will you.

 

[Atom Smasher]

It's all about conditioning, similar to training a dog.

You need to create subtle discomfort about her being sloppy (slight removal of attention, looking at other girls), and reward her for looking nice.

If she dresses up nice I would tell her it really turns me on when she dresses up for me.

This is one of those things that I like to establish early in a relationship, that for me it's important that she tries to look nice for me specifically, that a man feels appreciated when his woman makes herself look nice for him. I actually bring it up myself when the time is right.

 

[dasein]

1. Start involving more dressup type stuff in your social life together, going out to dinner at nicer places, dancing and clubs, fundraiser events, more stuff out in public as opposed to "hangout." Give her lots of positive feedback on these events. Needn't be that expensive if planned well. Show her later how turned on you were. Tell her it really turns you on to see her dressed/made up. Then ask her to wear specific things. Gifts should be simple, understated jewelry at first, pearl or small diamond earrings, a simple chain necklace or bracelet. Buy her clothes on gift occasions. Go cologne shopping together on a "lark." Have done this before in the past, it's fun and can lead to some incredible sex after.

2. I don't think it's that she's necessarily a different person. This is just cosmetic stuff here in all likelihood, not innate parts of her personality. It is simply not that hard to look well or better than sweatpants and t-shirts. Tomboyish women don't have to change their nature entirely, just pay a baseline level of attention. The showering stuff is a good start. If she shows up unshowered, put her in the shower with you, showering together is good.

3. But the showering thing is not a good sign generally, could signal boredom or lack of sexual satisfaction. Only you are in a position to gauge here. When they start wearing granny panties, watch out. Putting some spice into things via the activities in "1" can be a remedy. I have a bad feeling that if you ever have kids together, she will venture further into slob land if this is not corrected. No idea if that's on the map or not, but if it is, get this rectified before marriage/kids.

4. Don't understand how this, other than the showering part, could be killing your attraction. How does she dress for work? Surely she doesn't wear sweats to work. She sounds great, and as others state, many here and elsewhere would love to have a woman like this. Keep that in mind when picking your battles. Good luck.

 

[HalfPUAHalfAFC]

They guys here telling you to take her out someplace and get all dressed up is right on, but, unless I missed it, they're leaving an important detail out.

So, make plans for a dinner and a show, or something like that. Dress to the nines. Yes, maybe buy a nice dress for her to wear, bring it home, and show her the tickets you bought. Tell her you two are going out on the town.

When she's finished getting dressed and presents herself to you, grin slyly like you're thinking of how much you want to roger her right then and there and say simply, "Honey, you look great. Let's go." Take her hand and lead her out the door.

At some point in the evening, like when passing a mirror or window with a good reflection, stop and grab her from behind. Your chin on her shoulder and a little nose-breath in her ear and your crotch firmly pressed on her ass. Your arms around her waist. Look at each other in the reflection for a moment, not too long, and say something like, "You are one hot smoking *****." Kiss her neck.

Moderate kino the rest of the night plus plenty of good eye contact. Get her bedroom eyes going.

Take her home and bang the living hell out of her. Make it memorable and make it so it is obvious you couldn't wait to get your hands on her.

Have her sleep with her head on your shoulder but do NOT initiate any lovey-dovey small-take. That's her job and if she does, just play along a little. Not too much or you'll head down beta alley.

What have you accomplished?

1) You had her dress up for you on your lead.

2) You told her how hot you think she looks dolled up.

3) You responded with action, the sexual kind, that was produced by your male sexually responding to her female sexuality.

4) You showed her what being sexy does to you and she was rewarded for it.

If she's a smart girl, this should signal to her that she should try a little harder to look nice for you.

Here's what you didn't do:

Nag

Whine

Cajole

Order her around

Act like a wuss

Etc.

TLDR: Give her an excuse to get dolled up and looking hot, show her a good time, reward her for looking sexy like a man wants, and hope she responds the way you'd like.

 

[backbreaker]

if you have to tell a woman to dress up the relationship is over. even if she does change it won't last. and what if you get married? do you think she's going to be wearing fvck me pumps after you are married for 1 year lol? better get used to pay less flip flops buddy

think about this ****. this woman gives zero fvcks about you to the point where she can't even put water on her ass everday. women shower for dates they don't even want to go on and you are in a relationship for a year and she can't get in the shower? I shower like 2-3 times a day you should want to be clean for you. that goes beyond being a woman she's just.. she's nasty. why would you want to date a nasty girl (the bad nasty lol)

point is, the relationship is over. you are in the beginning of the 4th quarter of a blow out just trying to play out the clock now. You are just too PC/Attached to leave right now. but that's what you need to do.

 

[Sneevox]

Bro, it has nothing to do with her interest.
Listen to this, I dated a chick I met in a college theatre production (crazy bait, right?) and she NEVER dressed up or wore makeup.
Reminded me of my f*cking mum, mate. It was humorous.

Here's the craziest part: She was head over heels in love with me.
I'd fvcked her on numerous occasions and even dated her for about a month before I moved across the country.

She told me that she thought it was for "insecure" girls, and that wearing makeup was "fake".

Anyways, there's an off-chance that it has nothing to do with her thinking she doesn't need to look nice for you, but there's also a chance that it was what happened with this girl.

Here's what happened: I actually started to get attached, so I very, very slowly opened myself up to her. Eventually she realized I wasn't a superficial d!ck, and she started to ease back on wearing nice clothes because she believed I would see "her" instead of a chick that dresses poorly because she thinks I don't care.

Eventually she realized that I hate when she wears nasty clothes.

I told her one day. Here's what I said, "Why are you wearing those shorts? You could look so much prettier."

Of course, she was the usual predictable woman, with, "What, you don't think I'm pretty?"

So I replied, "No, not really. Those shorts are ugly enough to counter your pretty lil face."

To which she replied, "Well, I just figured that if I'm hanging out with you I wouldn't have to worry as much about my looks, but I guess I was wrong."

Luckily, I'm fvcking beautiful, so I was able to reply with, "What, you think I just roll out of bed looking this gorgeous? Hahaha"

All she can really do from there is roll her eyes and laugh.
There is one thing I have to mention, though. I don't necessarily "plan" these conversations. They just go where they need to go and I learn what to say and what not to say over time.

Needless to say, I broke up with her at some point since I'm in Canada now and she's still in Ohio.