how not to fall

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#1
Brothers, I've been hurt because I fall in love too quickly. What are some techniques or how do you keep from falling when the woman is working on you hard.
Are there other methods besides trying to spin other plates.
 

jophil28

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#3
Jean Valjean said:
Brothers, I've been hurt because I fall in love too quickly. What are some techniques or how do you keep from falling when the woman is working on you hard.
Are there other methods besides trying to spin other plates.
"Spinning other plates" is limited in it's effectiveness. It MIGHT save you from getting oneitis for a low quality woman , but it won't help much if you are actively seeking a good woman for an LTR.

There is nothing wrong with falling in love. There is something VERY wrong when you fall in love with a woman who does not deserve your devotion.
Being "deserving" implies that you have consciously qualified her over time and she has passed your tests and meets your standards and expectations. That process is one which is YOUR responsibility to design and implement by being aware of what you want in a woman and what characteristics or behaviors would disqualify her..

Further, you need to have a firm deal with yourself that IF she should violate any of your rules or expectations, then you will either walk away or demote her to FB status.
IF you have developed 'feelings' for her, the latter option is probably impossible.
 

Mr. Me

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#4
>> I've been hurt because I fall in love too quickly. What are some techniques or how do you keep from falling when the woman is working on you hard.>>

I would examine, not the symptoms, but the cause. IOW, I'd peer inside to figure out why I fall so quickly. Is it loneliness, or neediness, or a fantasy romantic notion regarding the lady? Is it filling a void? Identify the real cause and then you're on the road to treating it. Also, get real with what love really is. "Falling" is more about infatuation then real love. To love a person, you have to know them well. You can't love someone you don't know. "Love" is a term that's easily bandied about: I love that movie, I love my cat, I love my apartment, I love my job, I love you. Well, to truly love another person means:

A. You know them well enough to love them as a person. Not your *perception* of the person, but the actual person and
B. You don't need them to be with you. It's not love if you're in need of being with them. Real love means that you want them to do whatever makes them happy, even if it means not being with you.

I'd also look at why you're getting hurt... you're either pushing the woman (since you develop feelings so quickly) and she gets turned off and dumps you, and you get hurt, or you're getting involved with the wrong women: Women who aren't that interested and/or are using you or have a less then loving disposition or have issues or major character flaws. But when you're getting hurt, it does mean you're doing something wrong.

Slow down by not thinking about the girl all the time. Focus on other aspects of your life and keep them first and foremost. It's YOU that you give all your top priority to, not her. Your career, your "Me" time, your hobbies, interests, you. Just see a girl once or twice a week, tops. That will give you space that will help you stay focused instead of swallowed up, and also, will keep the girl more interested by not being overwhelmed or suffocated by your interest in her.
 
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#5
Mr. Me said:
>> I've been hurt because I fall in love too quickly. What are some techniques or how do you keep from falling when the woman is working on you hard.>>

I would examine, not the symptoms, but the cause. IOW, I'd peer inside to figure out why I fall so quickly. Is it loneliness, or neediness, or a fantasy romantic notion regarding the lady? Is it filling a void? Identify the real cause and then you're on the road to treating it. Also, get real with what love really is. "Falling" is more about infatuation then real love. To love a person, you have to know them well. You can't love someone you don't know. "Love" is a term that's easily bandied about: I love that movie, I love my cat, I love my apartment, I love my job, I love you. Well, to truly love another person means:

A. You know them well enough to love them as a person. Not your *perception* of the person, but the actual person and
B. You don't need them to be with you. It's not love if you're in need of being with them. Real love means that you want them to do whatever makes them happy, even if it means not being with you.

I'd also look at why you're getting hurt... you're either pushing the woman (since you develop feelings so quickly) and she gets turned off and dumps you, and you get hurt, or you're getting involved with the wrong women: Women who aren't that interested and/or are using you or have a less then loving disposition or have issues or major character flaws. But when you're getting hurt, it does mean you're doing something wrong.

Slow down by not thinking about the girl all the time. Focus on other aspects of your life and keep them first and foremost. It's YOU that you give all your top priority to, not her. Your career, your "Me" time, your hobbies, interests, you. Just see a girl once or twice a week, tops. That will give you space that will help you stay focused instead of swallowed up, and also, will keep the girl more interested by not being overwhelmed or suffocated by your interest in her.
Great advice!
Thanks,
Tictac
 

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#6
Mr. Me said:
>> I've been hurt because I fall in love too quickly. What are some techniques or how do you keep from falling when the woman is working on you hard.>>

I would examine, not the symptoms, but the cause. IOW, I'd peer inside to figure out why I fall so quickly. Is it loneliness, or neediness, or a fantasy romantic notion regarding the lady? Is it filling a void? .
Yes I have to stop being a "hopeless romantic" I pictured the last girl as my Maria as in the most beautiful sounds in the world I just met a girl named Maria. Thought she was the love of my life gace up everything for her marriage, family, finances now I am all alone and broken.

Partial needy seld esteem problem I guess and part believing in the fantasy of love at first sight and would do anything, clim any mountain, ford any river for love. Though all it was just a pretty girl that liked me, gave me the look of love and we danced alot, then I fell. Hope I can prevent it from happening again and be more discerning and practical next time if it ever happens again.
 

Trader

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#7
Jean Valjean said:
Brothers, I've been hurt because I fall in love too quickly. What are some techniques or how do you keep from falling when the woman is working on you hard.
Are there other methods besides trying to spin other plates.
What is love to you?

Is love just a *good feeling* that you have? If you view it as such, then of course you are going to fall in love quickly with almost any girl. You are chasing a feeling, a high.

If you view love as commitment and responsibility as well as those *good feelings* you won't fall in love as quickly.

After all, commitment and responsibility is a huge investment on your part - you won't invest so much unless you are sure she deserves you, and she is exactly what you want. You become damn picky.
 

Mr. Me

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#8
>> Partial needy seld esteem problem I guess and part believing in the fantasy of love at first sight and would do anything, clim any mountain, ford any river for love >>

Hey, first off, thanks for being honest with yourself.

You know, the thing about self-esteem is that, like the name indicates, it's self given. We really don't get it from other people, pretty girls or not. We already have it inside us. It's just that for people with low self esteem, they need an outside trigger to rev it up. In your case, it's the chick. Just learn to be your own trigger instead. If a pretty girl isn't in the picture at the moment, it doesn't change your value any. If a pretty girl came into your life tomorrow then you suddenly have esteem? Nonsense. So, act the same, feel the same, full of esteem, whether there's a girl with you or not.

Neediness can't be filled by other people. It repels them instead. It's academic: If you can't fill your own needs, then how can you possibly enhance your partner's life? Keep your needs to yourself and be your own best friend in doctoring them. I find a good first step is simply to ask yourself why you feel the way you feel. The answer you find, may turn out to be just a feeling, not a fact. And feelings can be changed. Change your thoughts, and you'll change the way you feel.

And, yeah, that fantasy notion of love. That's why they must call hopeless romantics "hopeless". Reality can't sustain fantasy and so, reality loses every time. Instead of going from girl to girl always looking for that Hollywood version of love and ending up with a string of broken relationships, you'd be much better served becoming an independent, self sufficient non-needy individual with a full interesting life. That kind of man attracts the more emotionally stable woman. You can go in slow with such a woman and build a better, stronger base for a relationship, should it lead to one. Much less drama and heartbreak this way.

Then, once real love develops, you can be a bit romantic from time to time. Women want romance only from men whom they want romance from, when they're ready for it, not a moment before, and certainly not from new men in their lives that they barely know (it comes off as disingenuous to them, unless the woman herself is the hopeless romantic type or low self esteem type, but WHY would you want an unstable woman like that?). Romance, my friend, is like a spice. Use sparingly. Otherwise it satiates, fills them up and dulls their taste buds for you.
 
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#9
Trader said:
What is love to you?

Is love just a *good feeling* that you have? If you view it as such, then of course you are going to fall in love quickly with almost any girl. You are chasing a feeling, a high.

If you view love as commitment and responsibility as well as those *good feelings* you won't fall in love as quickly.

After all, commitment and responsibility is a huge investment on your part - you won't invest so much unless you are sure she deserves you, and she is exactly what you want. You become damn picky.
Amazed at what I can learn from dudes a bunch of years younger. Thanks. You're right I chase the emotional high. First time I took my ex gf to the park we were twisted up like pretzels together - I felt like I could die and go to heaven, best Saturday of my last 20 years. Yes I was chasing that and the way she could kiss and the fantasy of a beautiful blue eyed Italian girl ....

I will not be so stupid again,
 
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#10
Mr. Me said:
>>

Neediness can't be filled by other people. It repels them instead. It's academic: If you can't fill your own needs, then how can you possibly enhance your partner's life? Keep your needs to yourself and be your own best friend in doctoring them. I find a good first step is simply to ask yourself why you feel the way you feel. The answer you find, may turn out to be just a feeling, not a fact. And feelings can be changed. Change your thoughts, and you'll change the way you feel.

And, yeah, that fantasy notion of love. That's why they must call hopeless romantics "hopeless". Reality can't sustain fantasy and so, reality loses every time. Instead of going from girl to girl always looking for that Hollywood version of love and ending up with a string of broken relationships, you'd be much better served becoming an independent, self sufficient non-needy individual with a full interesting life. That kind of man attracts the more emotionally stable woman. You can go in slow with such a woman and build a better, stronger base for a relationship, should it lead to one. Much less drama and heartbreak this way.

unless the woman herself is the hopeless romantic type or low self esteem type, but WHY would you want an unstable woman like that?). Romance, my friend, is like a spice. Use sparingly. Otherwise it satiates, fills them up and dulls their taste buds for you.
Mr Me you are so right. I will re read your post many times. My last gf is somewhat BPD and an attention seeker so that is who I wound up smitten with. You're right the emotionally healthy woman takes time and qualifies you.
Much less drama. All I got from my beautiful ex gf was drama now I like you now I don't and heart break.

Thank you! I may go back to my old tried and true faithful ex wife because my last girl friend just about broke all my dreams of love and the super high I first got with her and plunged me into the abyss of no contact and a sad lonely existence. (like hers - she has no self esteem and told me)
 
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#11
Mr. Me said:
>>

Neediness can't be filled by other people. It repels them instead. It's academic: If you can't fill your own needs, then how can you possibly enhance your partner's life? Keep your needs to yourself and be your own best friend in doctoring them. I find a good first step is simply to ask yourself why you feel the way you feel. The answer you find, may turn out to be just a feeling, not a fact. And feelings can be changed. Change your thoughts, and you'll change the way you feel.

And, yeah, that fantasy notion of love. That's why they must call hopeless romantics "hopeless". Reality can't sustain fantasy and so, reality loses every time. Instead of going from girl to girl always looking for that Hollywood version of love and ending up with a string of broken relationships, you'd be much better served becoming an independent, self sufficient non-needy individual with a full interesting life. That kind of man attracts the more emotionally stable woman. You can go in slow with such a woman and build a better, stronger base for a relationship, should it lead to one. Much less drama and heartbreak this way.

unless the woman herself is the hopeless romantic type or low self esteem type, but WHY would you want an unstable woman like that?). Romance, my friend, is like a spice. Use sparingly. Otherwise it satiates, fills them up and dulls their taste buds for you.
Mr Me you are so right. I will re read your post many times. My last gf is somewhat BPD and an attention seeker so that is who I wound up smitten with. You're right the emotionally healthy woman takes time and qualifies you.
Much less drama. All I got from my beautiful ex gf was drama now I like you now I don't and heart break.

Thank you! I may go back to my old tried and true faithful ex wife because my last girl friend just about broke all my dreams of love and the super high I first got with her and plunged me into the abyss of no contact and a sad lonely existence. (like hers - she has no self esteem and told me)
 
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#12
The more women you date, the more dulled your infatuation with them gets. You also get to see that many women are not interesting, and the minute they open their mouths, they're a complete turn-off. Many of them are poor housekeepers and lousy cooks. Some are lousy in bed, and are not as they appear with their clothes on.

You also need to realize that women are just female humans. They 5hit, Their used pads and tampons will make your bathroom smell worse than a polecat's ass.

Also, once you date many women, you'll realize that deep down, they're all quite identical.

These are all perfectly good reasons NOT to fall too deeply for a woman.
 
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#14
There are some great posts here. One thing for you to think about is that your habit of falling love too quickly and getting hurt may in fact be the reason you ultimately get hurt.

Many of the things we are told not to do on this site are in fact very similar to things we do not like women doing to us either, for example:

• Falling in love too quickly – suggest lack of value, lack of options.
• Being overly accommodative – again suggests lack of value.
• Over communicating – suggests neediness.
• Being overly emotional – suggests a damaged character.

Remember girls are like racehorses, they can give you some of your greatest joys and greatest disappointments, and best not to centre your life around either of them.

Countermart
 
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