How Flexible are your requirements from a chic?

[slickaz]

How flexible are they?

What i mean is, if you wanted someone who is honest, open and trustworthy.

What happens when you find out that she may a slight dodgy, or not telling you the entire truth because the truth 'is no big deal' or 'doesnt really matter'.

But you find that it actually matters to you, how would you handle this?

any more info?
Kontroller? Interceptor? Id appreciate you guys input as well, not that i dont appreciate anyone elses, its just these guys have always given me good solid advice everytime.

 

[Interceptor]

It probably means she has gotten used to not feeling safe and accepted for who she is.
I would want to know why she isnt feeling safe and secure enough with me to not be telling me the whole truth. And I would want her to know that theres a difference between us working things out, and me using this a tool to judge and condemn her.
I wont judge and condemn.
So if she is feeling like I will do those things, I would strive to show her that I wont. If I love her, then I want to create the space for her. To allow her to be who she is, and not have to hide.

Ultimately, I would have to see what is the REAL motivation.
Is she doing things out of fear?
Or is it love?

Is it something that is a deal breaker?
Or is it something that really isnt a big deal?

Not everything is a crisis.

And more importantly, our past doesnt define us.
There would have to be some sort of understanding that clarity between us is best, because we are a TEAM. We are supposed to work through things, and when in a relationship we will be exhibting our humanity and 'growing pains' in front of our partner. We see our blind spots finally, and we work on correcting them. We have to count on each other. Thats how it works...

Not her hiding herself from big, mean ol' me, waiting to pounce on her and judge her and attack her.

If I truly dont want to be judged, condemned, criticized, etc..
then it is fair for me to not do the same to my partner.


Relationships are about Love, Acceptance, and Healing.

Both partners have to create that space for each other. And create a refuge for each other. Thats the point of it.


If the way she operates is fundamentally good, in that she truly loves me, and respects me, and makes me a priority,appeciates me, and doesnt take me for granted, then not everything she may do is some sort of offense, and attack.
I have to be alert and aware to see if I am being triggered, or it is a real genuine concern.
I have to have good discernment and be able to tell what kind of a threat it really is.

I would also have to feel that there is a strong desire for her to be the Best partner she can For Me.



If we function from a place where we want Understanding when we are hurting, lost,and confused, and want to express that to our partner, then its fair that we have to extend that to our partner as well.
Its not supposed to be a double standard, where we expect patience and understanding, and compassion, but extend none of these things to our partner when she's in need.
It doesnt work that way. And the sooner we start the process of developing the accurate and mature perspective of creating that space, the more fairness , and stronger bond there can be in that environment.

Work on creating the 'Space'. Work on creating a "Refuge" for your partner. And explain how clarity can be used to further and deepen the relationship, and be a safe place for both partners. Obviously, this is different than being naive, and a fool, and being taken advantage of. I am not talking about being a spineless push over.

Repeated true offenses are not what a healthy loving relatonship is about.


Love, acceptance, and healing.
Our partner must feel safe revealing themselves to us. And so must we.

Its about give and take.

And always think 'what if the shoe were on the other foot?' before we make a decision.
Judging a partner as if we were judge, jury, and executioner is not a loving way to operate. Although we are within our right to make observations of behavior, we cannot "conclude" a person.
Past behavior does not define a person.
It can be an indicator. But it doesnt mean they will be like that in the future.
And observe if your partner truly wants to grow, evolve, and learn better more mature ways of relating with you, and coping with these challenges.

Look, couples ARGUE. They just do. Its a part of life. It will always be like that.
Partners have differences. And different perspectives on things.
The key thing is to work on dealing with these challenges from a Loving operating system. Not one out of anger or fear, etc..


Finally, no one is Perfect. Not even us.
The sooner we accept that, the better everything can be.


These are challenging questions, and they are a necessary step in finding our our preferences and setting our boundaries too.
I hope this helps.

 

[sodbuster]

If you believe truth is important and she thinks "truth is no big deal" I'd say you have issues[if it's her fundamental belief, if it's an isolated incident,you may have a chance] If she said,"I don't want to talk about it" etc. She doesn't trust you yet. You'd have to give more specific details for us to fully grasp if there is a problem or not.But IF lying is her right because it's "no big deal to lie" you are done and just don't know it yet.

 

[WaterTiger]

Was it a big lie? "No! I didn't sleep with your company softball team!" (When you have photos of her doing just that...)

Or a little lie? "This dress? I've had it for months!" (When she bought it the day before...)

Interceptor is also correct that fear causes lying. Fear of your anger or rejection will make us lie like crazy. Spank a child for getting in the cookie jar & from then on he'll look you straight in the eye and tell you he's never touched them... with sugar on his lips and chocolate finger prints all over the jar.

Make her understand that lying is NOT ACCEPTABLE! :nono: That if she has to lie about her behavior then something is very, very wrong! Explain to her that lying makes HER unworthy to be with you.

 

[LovelyLady]

IMO, there is a difference from wanting to keep something private because trust has not been established, and saying untruths to protect an opportunity to deceive a person about the true nature of your relationship with them or others.

Is the lie you are talking about from the situation in your other thread - where a woman you've been seeing got a ride to meet you from her ex, when she had clearly told you she was getting a ride from her girl friend?

These are what many people call the "gray areas" of dating... when you are not yet monogomous, but you are watching for indications of trustworthiness. It is a critical time.

In early dating we make judgements about , as WaterTiger says, someones "worthiness". Is he/she worthy of my trust? Am I safe to open up to this person and give them my love?

When people lie to us, they rob us of the opportunity to be truly free in our ability to love them - because they have undermined our ability to make an informed decision regarding our hearts. When the lie is exposed we feel all our judgements from that point of the llie on are at risk of being made on deceptions our hearts and minds thought were truths. While we may be able to intellectualize all the reasons why the lie occurred, the emotional damage is still very real.

Lies undermine the safety and security in a relationship that is essential to trust. When trust is damaged, of course the potential for movement into a more meaningful relationship is undermined - because trust and intimacy go hand in hand.

When someone offers up their justifications for lieing - and they are fear based as Interceptor has said - usually lies are told out of the fear of them not getting what they want.

It is an indication that their want is more important to them than honoring your need to be able to be informed so you can take care of your emotional safety. I say need, because I believe all people, male and female, need to feel safe in the giving and receiving of genuine love.

Just because a person admits to you that they lied, and offers up their fearbased explanation, does not suddenly mean they are now funtioning from a core operating system of honestyand integrity in their dealings with you.


It usually means they have done a recent loss assessment calculation and decided it is then more beneficial for them to be honest now as the honesty serves them better than the lie did before, so then they "fess up" - but it is still all about them having their needs met.

This confession/explanation of the "why" of the lie is rarely a new loving, honoring, respectful and conscious provisioning of your emotional/relational safety - but rather still comes from a place of them getting their wants and needs met - it is just that the truth now serves that purpose for them better than the lie did earlier.

Note that their neediness is so strong that they are willing to put your emotional safety at risk - as well as the overall level of trust and intimacy of your relationship with them, at risk as well. It is a sad thing, truly.

Now, we can forgive. The ability to forgive is a sign of spiritual and emotional maturity, but forgiveness does not automatically mean we should contine in a relationship with someone. We can feel compassion for their functioning out of fear, we may even feel pity for that exposure of their humanity, but it does not automatically follow that just because we forgive someone and feel compassion for their fear, we automatically trust them as if the lies did not occur. It does not mean that the heart simply opens itself up to loving them even more.

Lies and deceptions - particularly ones that introduce a third party into a romantic relationship dynamic, do not aid in building romantic attraction - nor in the critical path of surrender that is required by both men and women when love of a great depth is to be shared and experienced.

Love is intimately tied to respect, trust, freedom, safety, and security. Lies undermine love in everyway.

Liars will have us think that love is unconditional - but romantic love is conditional. It is the unique nature of authentic romantic love that conditions are to be met - or we would just go around falling in love and giving our hearts away frivolously/indiscriminately to any and everyone, without any recognition of love's value - or the value of what is truly shared between a man and a woman when they love well.

Often adults will carry an unconditional love paradigm of Mommy or Daddy over into their adult relationships and then fault their partner for not loving them unconditionally, as a Mommy or Daddy (idealistically) would. So then the liar often switches the responsibilty of the damage to the relationship on to the shoulders of the partner not loving them enough and not accepting them unconditionally - and thereby they bypass taking responsibility for how their lieing undermined the potential, and/or actual, stability of the relationship. A Parent-Child love dynamic is not the same as a healthy adult Man-Woman dynamic.

It is really important to be awake and aware, so we are making informed decisions - and empowering the people around us with the truth, so they can make informed decisions as well. The fact is people do get hurt in love, people do disappoint us, we disappoint them. Being mindful of motivations is important - our own as well as others.

Everyone has a dark side, everyone has a past that has choices in it they would not have made if they knew then what they know now.

It is important to be careful that any "forgiving" that takes place is not actually a silent agreement that you are then both allowed to deceive in the future. In other words, if you forgive her for lieing to you now, she owes you a forgiveness of you lieing to her later. Relationships built on silent agreements are not built on accountability and are not conducive to authentic loving, but rather are designed to serve comfort levels of stagnation, rather than genuine growth.

Instead of sharing our fears, our faults, our weaknesses, our failures, our needs - we sometimes lie. The courage it takes to say "I need..." to another person makes us vulnerable to rejection, ridicule and yes - vulnerabe to having intimacy occur - which can also be scary. Yet if we pretend the need does not exist - or we do not bring it to our partners, then there is no chance of having a thriving relationship.

It is important that we not give more to a relationship, vulnerability wise, than is wise - and it is also important to note that exposing our need and desire for intimacy with someoone is a valid need - now whether or not that person is capable of meeting us at that level of trust, trustworthiness, and intimacy is something that needs to be defined on an individual basis. It is up to each of us to decide those boundaries for ourselves.

 

[Colossus]

You need to have some non-negotiables in your life.

Everybody lies sometimes. But a relationship is not a place for lies. It's like building a house with sh!tty materials. Sooner or later they will fail and the shoddy workmanship will be revealed. If she is withholding a truth that matters to you, YOU need to decide where to draw the line. She is either trying to protect herself, or she is trying to protect you from information that may hurt you. Don't misconstrue the latter as noble, either.

Personally, if I found out my gf was withholding the truth or blatantly lying to me, that would be grounds for dismissal. You cant have a relationship based on lies or half-truths, and you cant be intimate with a girl whose own word you don't trust. Think about it.