How does a man have a successful marriage in 2021 and beyond

[zekko]

Lots of good advice given so far. But I really do believe that you need a bit of good luck to have a successful marriage, no matter what else you do. You can increase your odds, but it's still a roll of the dice.

 

[TheProspect]

A lot of fear-based and risk averse thinking disguised as rationalism in this thread.

Here’s a radical thought: Life is inherently meaningless beyond basic survival and propagation of genes.

I believe once our basic survival needs are met, it is then up to each of us as individuals to determine what the purpose and meaning of life is, and subsequently where we derive our fulfilment from. Of course, this is completely subjective.

Whose to say whether another’s definition of a meaningful life is right or wrong? It’s subjective. If you think you can find and derive value from marriage and kids, have the balls to go for it. If you think you can find and derive value from maximizing your power and wealth, knock yourself out. If you think dedicating your life to the service of others is your calling, then go for it.

We are all attempting to fill a void in one way or another. And we all have different aspirations and inclinations that set us all on our unique paths. I don’t think it serves each other to disparage each other’s viewpoints....

The only thing I’d recommend for the men of this forum, regarding this topic, is to primarily pursue fulfilment over pleasure & happiness... and a fulfilling life for the most part is subjective.

The final thing I’ll add is this:

If you’re making life decisions out of fear, and deviating away from what you feel will bring you the deepest fundamental value, because you’re afraid of loss or being hurt, you are living a fearful life... not a fulfilling one.

And so what if you suffer loss or pain along the way? You took the chance despite being fearful of the risks involved—that takes REAL fvcking courage. At the end of the day, no one is making it out of life alive. Personally, I’m not going to live my life avoiding what I would truly find rewarding and fulfilling just because it might not work out.

Be smart with how you pursue your fulfillment, but be courageous too. Fvck fear.

Gentlemen, I advise you to optimize your journey for fulfillment, whatever that looks like for you. Don’t let someone’s fear-based opinion get in your way.

 

[BadBoy89]

Having kids with a woman you aren’t married to is foolish. Not only are you on the hook for child support (which many kids never see anyways) but she can keep you out of the kids life easily. And you still have to pay.

A woman can keep a man out of the kids life just as easily if they are married. It doesn't guarantee security.

The only issue I have with marriage is having the law giving the woman emotional, financial, legal, and psychological power over the man. I'd almost be pro-marriage if the woman wasn't able to harness this power by signing a piece of paper.

Women aren't about "love" and "marriage". They are about power and resources. And what better way to get Power than to show the world you were able to secure a man under the law because you are so sexy? Not only that, if the man wants out, you have to ability to DESTROY him.

If that's not dopamine fix every minute of every day, don't know what is.

 

[SW15]

It would be difficult. You might need 2 devoutly religious people to do it.

I think you dudes need to get your life in perspective. Search gray divorce an how more common they are over the past few years...

Yes, later in life divorces are becoming more common. There is a contigent of people who can look quite good into their 40s and 50s. Those people are not going to stick around a bad relationship.

For years I wanted to get married. Now you couldn’t pay me to get married. Most women don’t even want to be in a relationship longer than a few months, then they get bored and are off to the next “hawt guy”. Or they’re old and stuck in their ways and cut off the sex spigot but have insanely high demands you must meet. Nah, I’m good on the marriage thing.

My feelings on marriage have changed over time. It's been a long time since I thought I wanted to get married. I thought for a while that I would live with a long term girlfriend. Now, I don't wish to live with a long term girlfriend. I believe that most relationships have a shelf life of goodness of 5 years. I agree with you that women tend to get bored. You're right in some cases it is only after a few months but I tend to think that the boredom sets in later than that, typically somewhere between 2-5 years in relationships that last beyond 6 months.

The cutting off of the sex spigot tends to happen when women feel bored but don't have the guts to leave the relationship at that point in time. Eventually, they often work up the guts. Remember, it is women who are the ones who file for divorce.

I'd be curious to know who ends non-marital LTRs more: men or women? I've not seen any information on that.

The point is- 80% of small businesses fail. If we took the attitude many have regarding marriage and applied to those statistics, there is no reason to start a business either.

Self-awareness is crucial. A lot of people are not good fits for starting a business and they should just be employees. A lot of people aren;t good fits for a life long relationship with a state court enforced contract.

Having kids with a woman you aren’t married to is foolish. Not only are you on the hook for child support (which many kids never see anyways) but she can keep you out of the kids life easily. And you still have to pay.

Agree.

Meanwhile, with this fact of reality, most people throw all logic aside and convince ourselves that they'll beat the marriage odds. All your divorced friends and family thought the same thing... and look at them now.

As a bachelor, you have the choice to leave an unbearable situation. As a married man, you have to sleep with the same woman the rest of your life. Unless someone is lonely or is a hostage to "keeping up with the Jones's" ... the idea of voluntarily enslaving oneself seems odd.

Some might argue, "oh but what about having children." Good point and I do believe that a child needs involvement from both parents. However (and I'm this will raise some hair) why have children? If we're honest with ourselves... this is usually a result of feeling some void in our own lives and bringing a child into this world as our "second chance" or fulfils some need in our lives of being needed.

You make an excellent point about people's divorced friends and family members. I have divorced family members both in my general age bracket (late Gen X/early Millennial) and my Boomer parents' cohort. As an early Millennial, I have other Millennial friends (not among my closer friends) who have gotten divorced.

One of the defensible reasons cited for getting married is for having children and raising them. I'm a big believer in two parent households. Over the last 3 decades, rational men have had to realize that if they have kids with a woman, it is more likely than not than they will no longer be in a romantic relationship with the mother of the child by the time the first child turns 18.

I've never felt a strong desire to have kids. I did not have a pleasant childhood. I have dealt with childhood traumas in therapy.

 

[Von]

Marriage like launching a business has NOTHING rational about it.

You gotta play the game and be ready to be a rock with a goal to leave something after your own existence, leave your mark.

On a rational level: rich people tend to be married (stats proof), they use all that time freed from dating to build a business.

Marriage is not easy, it's a will and a belief, it's a desire beyond yourself, and a blind commitment to a community (starting from the 2 of you).

How to make marriage work? Like any LTR or business; work, will, faith, communication,love.

Each of you must be willing to compliment each other, and stop looking externally for answers "quick fix"

 

[RickTheToad]

why not lol

For one, you're not dealing with the family law court. If you have a issue in business, as long as you didn't do anything illegal, you'd be in civil court. Regardless, in both civil an criminal court, you have rights; not so much in family court.