How do you leave one of the good ones?

[OnTheWayUp]

Hi all,

Been very busy with work and self-improvement for the last few weeks, so I haven't really had time to post much.

Romantically speaking, I'm in a position most men would kill to be in. I have a decent-looking (6.5), sane gf who does everything I could ask. Okay, she's a little entitled sometimes, but she's sweet, feminine, compliant, initiates contact a lot, eager to have sex, eager to experiment, supportive, affectionate etc etc. We have never had a single argument in 4 months of being official and 7 months of seeing each other- a statistic that astounds many of my male friends at uni. She's one of the good ones, and will make a fantastic wife in a few years.

But not for me. I'm moving to another country in a month and a half for at least 3 months, likely longer, and feel I have to break up with her, even though I like her. Knowing how easy it is for me to get girls these days and how many millions of decent ones there are out there, I find it an untenable proposition to effectively go celibate for 3 months or more. Rather than drag out the decline of our relationship and add the unnecessary drama of her fearing I might sleep with someone else, whether overtly via an open relationship or covertly, I have decided to end things in a month's time whilst we're still on good terms. She's a genuinely good person, and whilst being dumped is obviously not going to be fun for her, I want to make sure that she comes away with a minimum amount of tears. I care for her, and she's definitely someone I want in my life as a friend.

How do I dump her in the most tactful, mature, graceful, and least unpleasant way possible?

Further thanks go to Iceberg and perseverance for their incredibly wise advice via PM.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Im not so sure there are millions of decent ones. At least not in any one country, maybe china or india.

I am- your view of women is too jaded. There are 3.5 billion women in the world. If even 0.01% of those are quality (and this is very harsh), that makes 3.5 million. That's a lot of options. Either way, this isn't really the point of my thread. I want to leave her in the best way possible, how do I do it?

 

[OnTheWayUp]

On the way up do you really think there are millions of decent women out there?

Anyways, hopefully this girl isn't already in love with u bc if she is, then she's gonna be stubborn and she'll do anything she can to keep the relationship alive. When I was younger and this happened to me, usually i'd take the chicken way out and try to get them to stop liking me by being a d*ck or just avoiding their calls till they got the hint, but i find that these kinds of tactics tend to backfire and will only lead to more complications. And i also found that sometimes doing these things made them want you more lol

I would try either being honest with her and tell her that neither of you can get what you want out of this, or - what i did last breakup - just tell her that you're not quite ready for a relationship right now and that you'd really appreciate it if you guys just stayed friends for the time being. Make up something about how you just got out of a really hurtful relationship and that lately you've been feeling really scared to get into anything too serious too quickly. Works every time!

Thanks for your perspective, bradd, you're insightful as ever.

Yes, I know for a fact that there are lots of quality girls out there. As there are so many sad stories of men getting hurt by rubbish women on SS, it's easy to understand why you might not get that impression. However, as we men get older, acquire more status, money and experience, more and more of them become available. My current girlfriend is great, but it's too easy to justify a long-distance "relationship" which involves minimal sex on the grounds that "I might not be able to get anything better."

It would be a complete lie to say that I've just got out of a hurtful relationship or that I don't want to get anything serious. She'd know that, so that approach wouldn't work. It's not so much that I'm specifically looking to avoid anything serious (although I'm not looking to settle down and start a family any time soon); long-distance would simply be unsustainable due to lack of sex. I'd rather end it now on good terms than drag out an unnecessarily dramatic, non-sexual, non-optimal relationship in which I would always be fighting against myself not to get action on the side. It's not a bad reflection on her (she's been awesome!), more that I need a girl to give me sex as a basic prerequisite for keeping my interest. Short of asking her to abandon her career for me and follow me abroad - something I'm not willing to do - there's very little we can do to salvage things.

Perhaps the best thing is just to tell her that honestly?

 

[MisterD]

Just be honest with her, it's not fair to both of you to continue this relationship for reasons you've already mentioned in this thread.

But don't kid yourself. To find a feminine, (single) hot, high quality girl with a personalty that meshes with yours, and is completely open sexually, is not a walk in the park.

 

[Desdinova]

How do I dump her in the most tactful, mature, graceful, and least unpleasant way possible?

You can't. She's going to be upset and there's no way around it. Her personality and IL will dictate how she responds to the breakup. She may end up hating your guts or she may sadly understand. There's no way to predict or control the outcome of the breakup.

The only thing I can tell you is to be sure that this is what you want before you inflict damage on the goods.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Just be honest with her, it's not fair to both of you to continue this relationship for reasons you've already mentioned in this thread.

But don't kid yourself. To find a feminine, (single) hot, high quality girl with a personalty that meshes with yours, and is completely open sexually, is not a walk in the park.

Not a walk in the park, certainly, but I'm confident that as my sexual value continues to increase, there will be enough quality girls out there. Thanks for your input- I think honest is best as well.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

You can't. She's going to be upset and there's no way around it. Her personality and IL will dictate how she responds to the breakup. She may end up hating your guts or she may sadly understand. There's no way to predict or control the outcome of the breakup.

The only thing I can tell you is to be sure that this is what you want before you inflict damage on the goods.

She has a sky-high IL at the moment. She hasn't said she's in love with me, but all the signs are there, as I said in the OP. It's going to be tough for her, but I want to make the break up as smooth as it can be. For both of us- I have to say, I'm not particularly happy about leaving her either. I'm just being realistic that long-distance won't work.

Her personality? She's very chilled, doesn't take too much seriously. The best thing about her is a total absence of craziness- she's very mature for a 21 year old. She was a nerd in school, a late bloomer, and remains super intelligent today. She's a classical musician who enjoys dressing up for smart parties and loves the British royal family I am her first serious bf. She is definitely very inexperienced with men; whether or not she was a virgin before we slept together for the first time like she claims is, like with all girls, impossible to know for sure.

On the basis of the above, Desdinova, how do you think she'll take it? I think she be hurt, but will understand. When we talked about the future the other day and I outlined the options (a very difficult, but necessary conversation), she said that she had been anticipating that I wouldn't want to go long-distance. I think she'll try and stay in touch and hook me back in if and when I come back to this country. Maybe we'll even get back together? Who knows.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

I am- your view of women is too jaded. There are 3.5 billion women in the world. If even 0.01% of those are quality (and this is very harsh), that makes 3.5 million. That's a lot of options. Either way, this isn't really the point of my thread. I want to leave her in the best way possible, how do I do it?

And 5% of those top quality women are single. We're down to 175,000 in the whole world!!! haha :nervous:

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

She is definitely very inexperienced with men; whether or not she was a virgin before we slept together for the first time like she claims is, like with all girls, impossible to know for sure.

It is not impossible. In general, they bleed. It is also painful and uncomfortable the first time. I have not had a virgin before but some of my friends have. Every single one of them bled.

 

[Trump]

Good news is there is nothing wrong with your ego.

Why break up with her? Never understand why guys do that, it's like they are turning down free sex. But anyway, IMHO, I would tell her you are going away for 3 months and she how she reacts. Could be she can't wait till you leave so she can sleep with another guy, not that she would, but you never know bro.

Let her bring up the issue of what will happen if you will sleep with another girl, let her ask what you are going to do by yourself, let her be worried. If she doesnt ask any questions or say any of these things, she doesn't care and you are fine.

If she does, then tell that you since you can't take it, you may sleep with others, and she what see says. She may think about it and say ok, she accepts.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Good news is there is nothing wrong with your ego.

Why break up with her? Never understand why guys do that, it's like they are turning down free sex. But anyway, IMHO, I would tell her you are going away for 3 months and she how she reacts. Could be she can't wait till you leave so she can sleep with another guy, not that she would, but you never know bro.

Let her bring up the issue of what will happen if you will sleep with another girl, let her ask what you are going to do by yourself, let her be worried. If she doesnt ask any questions or say any of these things, she doesn't care and you are fine.

If she does, then tell that you since you can't take it, you may sleep with others, and she what see says. She may think about it and say ok, she accepts.

Pretty simple rebuff to this: I don't want to sleep with others whilst being official with her from distance, whether that's overtly in an open relationship or covertly. No-one deserves that, least of all a girl who has been so good to me. Whilst I'm all for taking advantage of poor quality girls who decide themselves to sabotage their relationships by cheating with me (it's happened several times), I find the idea of cheating when I am in a relationship abhorrent. I don't want to have an officially open relationship because I think it would be too difficult and too much drama to maintain. She would constantly be worried about me sleeping around; I would constantly have a bad conscience sleeping around when I know that this girl is falling in live with me. Hours spent on skype are no substitute for a real physical interaction. Far healthier to end it on good terms now.

 

[Trump]

Pretty simple rebuff to this: I don't want to sleep with others whilst being official with her from distance, whether that's overtly in an open relationship or covertly. No-one deserves that, least of all a girl who has been so good to me. Whilst I'm all for taking advantage of poor quality girls who decide themselves to sabotage their relationships by cheating with me (it's happened several times), I find the idea of cheating when I am in a relationship abhorrent. I don't want to have an officially open relationship because I think it would be too difficult and too much drama to maintain. She would constantly be worried about me sleeping around; I would constantly have a bad conscience sleeping around when I know that this girl is falling in live with me. Hours spent on skype are no substitute for a real physical interaction. Far healthier to end it on good terms now.

Bro it's not making sense. You are A-ok with sleeping a girl who is a relationship, yet you find cheating in a relationship abhorrent? Do you mean cheating in a relationship is abhorrent if you do it, but it's ok if a girl cheats with you because she is poor quality and doesn't know better?

Also, know you don't have this problem, but let's say you go away for 3 months and miraculously no girl is willing to sleep because the ones you meet are all married or under 18 or such. You would have broken up with your gf for nothing.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Bro it's not making sense. You are A-ok with sleeping a girl who is a relationship, yet you find cheating in a relationship abhorrent? Do you mean cheating in a relationship is abhorrent if you do it, but it's ok if a girl cheats with you because she is poor quality and doesn't know better?

Pretty much, yes. I think cheating is something every man has to develop his own moral code on- and stick to it. It's completely ok to sleep with a cheating gf because her relationship is fundamentally not your responsibility- it's hers and her bf's. It takes two to tango and it is super easy for her to reject you. I draw the line at sleeping with male friends' gfs- bros before hos. Cheating is a sign of poor self-control and poor character. That's why I don't indulge in it myself when I'm in a relationship. Does that answer your question?

Also, know you don't have this problem, but let's say you go away for 3 months and miraculously no girl is willing to sleep because the ones you meet are all married or under 18 or such. You would have broken up with your gf for nothing.

This is a complete non-issue. I will be going out and making new friends through my guitar sufficiently to meet enough girls to find ones to sleep with. Maybe a new relationship will form with another decent girl, maybe not. I'm cool either way.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

ok onthewayup sounds like you want to break up with her the honest way. I applaud your character for choosing this route, but i have to include a little caveat that honesty is not always the best policy when dealing with women, and sometimes a white lie is ok if you want to spare their feelings.

That being said, i think you want to do this honestly. In that case,

1. make sure she is the first one to know, so she doesn't find out through mutual friends.

2. pick a neutral location and tell her in person, DO NOT do this over text or email or a phone call.

3. don't go into detail about why you're breaking up with her. Let her know that while you care for her immensely as a friend, the long distance thing isn't working out and that you can't continue the relationship if both of you are unable to get what you want out of the relationship. I would still include here a little about how you're not ready for a relationship, a white lie never hurt anyone and this may alleviate some of the pain she may feel.

4. DO NOT take her back. If she is in love, she will desperately try to get you to do this. Don't let her, you will only prolong her suffering.

5. If she does cry, you have to be an emotional rock for the both of you. Have plans set with friends for afterwards. Don't be one of those guys who goes out with her after the breakup to make her feel better, this will only confuse her and maker her suffer more.

Ending a relationship with someone who cares for you is never easy. But have the courage to follow through with your decision, and this will make both you and her happier when the relationship is over. Be true to yourself and your emotions and do what's best for both you and her.

best of luck and let us know how it goes!

bd

This is a very helpful post, thanks again bradd for your wisdom. I love SS at times like these- it allows you to look at emotionally difficult situations with so much rationalism and detachment. Man I care for this girl, but this relationship needs to end for all the logical reasons we've discussed.

point 1- completely agree.

point 2- again makes a lot of sense. Do you think it's worth meeting up for a drink/ coffee and ending it in a random coffee house/ bar somewhere? I can't think of many more neutral locations, short of a train station or something like that. That seems far too cold to be viable.

point 3- agree that there's no sense prolonging her agony. It was a mistake on my part to make our previous "relationship future" conversation go on for an hour or so. I'm unsure about this white lie business, I think it's pretty clear from the context that I am perfectly ready for a relationship, it's just that the distance makes things unworkable without drama.

point 4- agree that taking her back whilst i'm abroad is completely senseless and contradicts everything I've said in this thread. I remain open to the possibility of getting back together if and when I return to this country, however. I will not tell her this directly, as I don't want to string her along, like I said. If she wants to remain friends (highly likely) and we get back together say 6 months down the line, I'd be ok with that. I'm also ok with moving on and seeing if I can do better- there's always a better girl.

point 5- easier said than done, but I agree. I found myself getting very emotional in our relationship status talk the other night. I want to do this as calmly and undramatically as I can.

 

[DonJuanabe]

I would avoid the "I'm not ready for a relationship" -- that is such a cliche. Just tell her you are leaving for at least three months, likely longer, and you don't want to do the long distance relationship -- it is too difficult and it's not a real relationship. I agree though, do it face to face though I would go over to her place -- if she is going to cry and be in anguish it is unfair for her to be in public.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

I would avoid the "I'm not ready for a relationship" -- that is such a cliche. Just tell her you are leaving for at least three months, likely longer, and you don't want to do the long distance relationship -- it is too difficult and it's not a real relationship. I agree though, do it face to face though I would go over to her place -- if she is going to cry and be in anguish it is unfair for her to be in public.

Completely agree about "I'm not ready for a relationship" being a worn cliche. I understand what you say about not wanting her to feel humiliated in public, but going to "her place" is somewhat problematic. We're both students graduating in 2 weeks, and I don't want to end the relationship in her room before that. Subsquently, she'll be living at home with her parents, and I don't feel I can just show up to her parents' house for half an hour, dump her, then leave. Has anyone got any better suggestions than a coffee shop or a bar?

 

[Trump]

Pretty much, yes. I think cheating is something every man has to develop his own moral code on- and stick to it. It's completely ok to sleep with a cheating gf because her relationship is fundamentally not your responsibility- it's hers and her bf's. It takes two to tango and it is super easy for her to reject you. I draw the line at sleeping with male friends' gfs- bros before hos. Cheating is a sign of poor self-control and poor character. That's why I don't indulge in it myself when I'm in a relationship. Does that answer your question?

This is a complete non-issue. I will be going out and making new friends through my guitar sufficiently to meet enough girls to find ones to sleep with. Maybe a new relationship will form with another decent girl, maybe not. I'm cool either way.

Im clearer about your reasoning, but the girl who has poor self control and poor character could also be testing you, see how much character you have sleeping with a girl who is in a relationship. One of the girls you sleep with could also be your bros gf and not tell you, set you up.

You could also be contributing to the breakdown of their relationship. A girl could have a momentary lapse and if you said no at that time it could save her relationship and then some. Yet if you said yes you could ultimately be responsible for causing the breakup.

But I wish I had that much confidence.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Im clearer about your reasoning, but the girl who has poor self control and poor character could also be testing you, see how much character you have sleeping with a girl who is in a relationship. One of the girls you sleep with could also be your bros gf and not tell you, set you up.

You could also be contributing to the breakdown of their relationship. A girl could have a momentary lapse and if you said no at that time it could save her relationship and then some. Yet if you said yes you could ultimately be responsible for causing the breakup.

But I wish I had that much confidence.

Interesting response again, Trump, thanks for your ideas.

On being tested by a girl with poor character: firstly, if a girl is going to sleep with me whilst she has a bf, she is only good for sex, and I care absolutely nothing whether pass her hypothetical tests or not. The concept of girls testing for character also seems to imply that girls like their men to have a moral compass, which in my experience is simply not true. Girls want masculine men- look at the success of bad boys. Any moral principles I have are for my own personal integrity and have nothing to do with attracting women.

If a guy is my bro, I make it my business to ask whether he is single or not, and who he is involved with. This means that it's extremely unlikely that I could sleep with his girl unaware that I am breaking my rule.

For the reasons stated above when we first discussed this, I have no problems whatsoever in "contributing to the breakup" of a cheating girl's relationship. It is fundamentally hers to worry about, not mine. I'm just a normal guy trying to get some action. If a girl cheats, frankly it already means her relationship is on the rocks anyway. I may even be doing both parties a favour by drawing the girl's attention to the fact that she is no longer in love with her bf, allowing them to break up quicker rather than drag it out unnecessarily. But ultimately her relationship is her concern, not mine, and all other reasoning is secondary.

If I'm confident in both my views on cheating and on my ability to get other girls easily, it is to a large extent down to what I have learned on SS. If you had asked me this a year or two ago, you would have got a very different answer. Stick with SS, and you too can change for the better.

 

[SharinganUser]

Im clearer about your reasoning, but the girl who has poor self control and poor character could also be testing you, see how much character you have sleeping with a girl who is in a relationship.

She wants a new **** and probably doesn't give to duck squirts about your character.

One of the girls you sleep with could also be your bros gf and not tell you, set you up.

If you don't know who your friend's gf is then that person is not your friend. Either that or you are extremely oblivious to your surroundings.

You could also be contributing to the breakdown of their relationship. A girl could have a momentary lapse and if you said no at that time it could save her relationship and then some. Yet if you said yes you could ultimately be responsible for causing the breakup.

But I wish I had that much confidence.

Never ever, ever buy into that "I don't know how it happened" kind of nonsense. Her cheating has little to do with anything to do with you. She could be mad at her bf, she might be in an obligatory relationship, she might be bored, she might be a slut. The list goes on and most reasons have nothing to do with you.

 

[Desdinova]

On the basis of the above, Desdinova, how do you think she'll take it?

I cannot tell you and I don't think you can be prepared for how she'll react. Some women have Satan buried deep inside their soul. You may never see it during the relationship but if she gets hurt, that beast may be unleashed.

I agree with everything bradd80 said except for...

2. pick a neutral location and tell her in person, DO NOT do this over text or email or a phone call.

If you're permanently removing a woman from your life, it doesn't matter how or when you initiate the breakup. What matters is that you get it done.

A lot of women will say "he didn't even have the ba11s to break up with me in person!" But women say this when they're pissed off. If you did break up with her in person, she's just going to find some other excuse to talk 5hit about you so it's a no-win situation.

In all honesty, my breakups have gone much better when I didn't do it in person.