How do you get rid of a BPD woman?

[drmeathead]

well said...

i would advise against any legal action with these women. they lie manipulate and distort so well that the man may find himself in legal trouble before it is all over. i never laid a hand on my ex bpdgf. she had hit me several times. one time after she did i attempted to leave and she attempted to tackle me, diving at my legs. she bumped her head and arm off of the hard wood floor in the process. this became my fault. another time she cornered me and began yelling. i tried to walk past her and she wouldnt move stating that if i forced my way she would hit herself in the face and call the police. another time she sucker punched me and i attempted to call 911. i had the 91 dialed and she knocked my cell phone out of my hand sending it across the room.

my advise is to question the bpd as to why they are hitting you. ask them if they love you why are they hitting you.

this is a tough situation to be in. even tougher to leave because they wont "let" you till they are ready to move on.

i agree that they cause untold amounts of emotional damage. it is unfair that they destroy the life of a person that just wants to love them with a pure heart. can they be held responsible? to an extent. when the liberals emptied out the inhumane mental hospitals, these are the types of people that were put into mainstream society. it is a shame.

KontrollerX you seem to have done research on this issue. what was the incidence and prevalence of bpd in the 1920s 30s or 50s. it seems to me that back then a girl acting in such a way would be put in an assisted living environment where she belongs.

 

[KontrollerX]

"i would advise against any legal action with these women. they lie manipulate and distort so well that the man may find himself in legal trouble before it is all over."

I understand the advisement but I would say do take legal action against these women as much as currently possible but just make sure you record phone calls and have witnesses to events first that you can pull from and prove your case.

BPD can disrupt entire social systems their manipulations are so pervasive and insidious and effective.

Combine that with an ultra feminist pro women culture with men being the bad guys you have a recipe for disaster. A woman like this involved with any man is very literally like a child being placed in front of a button that could set off a self destruct sequence to destroy the world if only he were to press it and knowing children as we all do having been one ourselves at one point we know that they just can't resist pressing that shiny button.

The problem is its your world she destroys not the whole world if you're not careful so have evidence and witnesses that will back you up when you are trying to expose the chameleon for what she is. A surprising number of law enforcement and other official people are not aware of these people's existance and their intense manipulation skills and false public persona. It can be an uphill climb to first prove that #1 the sweet looking soft voiced girl in front of them is a horrific mental and physical abuser of epic proportions and #2 they should believe a man (remember man is the enemy in this sick society) who is saying this.

Tape recordings and hell even video of her violence and rages will make the scales fall from the disbelievers eyes.

I just cannot stress that enough.

"my advise is to question the bpd as to why they are hitting you. ask them if they love you why are they hitting you."

My advice is to first restrain them from hitting you. Don't worry about her slicing her wrists or beating herself up in retaliation for this as if you are going to leave her she will probably do this anyway to get back at you or frighten you enough to keep you.

"i agree that they cause untold amounts of emotional damage. it is unfair that they destroy the life of a person that just wants to love them with a pure heart. can they be held responsible? to an extent. when the liberals emptied out the inhumane mental hospitals, these are the types of people that were put into mainstream society. it is a shame."

Well most of them aren't bad enough to be hospitalized but they do check themselves in when their minds get too wild and all that can be done for them is to tranquilize them and release them. Its so very saddening but yeah other than that there is not much that can be done and fulltime hospitalization is not necessary for most of them as most of them are high functioning in society. Its a scary thought but a BPD can be high functioning enough to be your boss, your kid's teacher or even a mental health professional. Scary but reality.

"KontrollerX you seem to have done research on this issue. what was the incidence and prevalence of bpd in the 1920s 30s or 50s. it seems to me that back then a girl acting in such a way would be put in an assisted living environment where she belongs."

I don't have any statistics that far back unfortunately but my guess is how BPD's were dealt with back then is with domestic violence to match their own when they acted up since I'd argue domestic violence was probably much more widely accepted back in those times. For genuinely gentle partners of BPD's back then another guess of mine is the partner or the BPD's parents then would decide to put her in an assisted living environment if the disorder manifested itself much too awfully for them to deal with.

One statistic I do have though for our current time is that there are almost approximately 2 million HPD and BPD women in North America.

A very sad figure to be sure.

 

[drmeathead]

there were many times i did think that a good smack in the mouth would put an end to these rants but hitting a woman isnt right.

it is scary. the tongues of the these women are such vicious weapons. yet they are masters for saving it for their partner. to the rest of the world they come of as nice even some what subdued. unless you have video or audio evidence you really are in a pickle.

 

[Luveno]

If the girl in question has been diagnosed with BPD, you must understand that she craves attention and will try to get it even if it causes her harm. This is why many women with BPD cut themselves.

Considering this, you would think that taking any active role in getting her to stop contacting her would only fuel her unhealthy need for attention. Calling the police would only make her feel like her actions were working - they got you to do something.

So, the right thing to do in this case is to completely ignore her. She should no longer exist to you.

She will eventually get bored and move on, or on the other side of the coin she'll try to commit suicide to get your attention (which you should not supply).

Avoid the drama. Cut her off.

 

[KontrollerX]

"If the girl in question has been diagnosed with BPD, you must understand that she craves attention and will try to get it even if it causes her harm. This is why many women with BPD cut themselves."

Thats one reason but the primary reason they cut themselves is to feel alive.

It has been described to me by a BPD friend of mine personally who was a recovering BPD and fellow moderator on the forum I moderated that BPD's go through times of feeling such emptiness and non selflessness that the only way they can feel connected to reality and alive again is with the pain that cutting or other types of self injury brings them.

The Histrionics are the primary attention gatherers of Cluster B as this attention is replacement for the oohs and ahhs that they missed out on from their parents as babies but they don't self injure.

BPD's attention gathering is different in that it exists mostly to keep lovers from abandoning them. They could care less about the attention itself unlike the HPD's.

 

[drmeathead]

you cant just leave them be. the simple dj axium of sometimes you give them the stick, sometimes the carrot, and sometimes both doesnt work as a bpd will throw the stick and carrot at you so to speak.

the bpd wont go away until she is quite sure she has the next one lined up. it is the swinging branches theory to the max. i broke up with my exbpd gf probably 100 times. i finally stopped. it became easier to just give in than to be on the phone till 5 am. hell even when she would demand to be taken home, i would get a call to talk or come get her. then i would usually get yelled at for leaving her in the first place. at the time it didnt make any sense and was maddening as i had no idea what bpd was.. now looking back it makes perfect sense.


they cut to feel. they do all things to the extreme to feel. they feel empty inside. they would be sad if they didnt destroy the person they are with.

 

[jophil28]

Ultimately the point of this thread was to advise KC on tips and tactics to dump his EX BPD g/F. The discussion has widened and delivered some valuable insight. Perhaps it was both helpful and disturbing to re-live the feelings and memories for those of us who have had the life changing and soul crunching experience of being emotionally attached to one of these critters....
Whether you label them Mad or bad, Evil or sick, aware or fogged out, it comes back to this - Women with Cluster B personality disorders are unfit to be in an LTR and we all need to be vigilant about even going on that second date, Because by the end of the second date she has "gone to work" on you.

The difficulty with sicko women is that they are more common than we know or believe, and furthermore, Pers Disorders rarely exist in a pure and singular form. Co-morbidity is the norm. A Cluster B is likely to have some BPD mixed in with a slab of NPD and perhaps a good slice of HPD plus some Avoidant and some Dependent and usually some Paranoid stuff as well. THis is why diagnosis is so difficult.

So we are likely to date ,and be drawn to, that sweet charming intelligent professional who hints at her poor treatment at the hands on men. She tests your willingness to be drawn into her reality very early while acting SO demure and coy and shy but flirty at the same time, She may hint at sex or talk about her 'Brazilian' that she had recently - all said with the Porcelain China Doll delivery in full swing..
THe early tests are very subtle - she is "testing the waters" .THis is classic BPD SOP.

I do not think it really matters whether she is clinically BPD od NPD or whatever, What matters is what we do to get away at the first sign of her mindgames and beieve me the mindgames start VERY early in the piece.

The key for me is developing the skills to separate the BPD mindgames from "norma'l" woman talk ..

 

[STR8UP]

Reading this thread has got me wondering.

My last LTR was pretty much perfectly normal up until the time I told her it was over. At that point she turned into a basketcase. I seem to remember her threatening suicide, telling BLATANT lies to cover up her actions (she told me she was sick and went to the hospital but couldn't say what was wrong with her, when she was actually at some dude's house), crawling on the hood of my car so i wouldn't leave, and driving 30 minutes to my place and beating on my front door when I wouldn't answer my phone.

Maybe just the behavior of a desperate woman threatened with losing her main source of intimacy, but never in a million years would I have guessed her capable of those kinds of things. I saw a COMPLETELY different person from the one I spent the previous TWO YEARS with.

 

[drmeathead]

jophil,

its a tough call man. with a bpd you seem to hit it off right away. it is what you want. she displays high interest. you think you are set. if you dont know any better you think you are quite on your way to something good.

AFTER you have been hit with the BP hammer, you are gunshy. if it seems good you are waiting for the set up for the other shoe to drop. if there are small red flags you pull the plug (unless of course you havent learned your lesson).

dating post bpd is a terrible place to be. no matter what you cant get back to who you were previous to the bpd ex. it gets better with time but it still doesnt seem to get all the way back.

 

[aliasguy]

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This topic is heavy. BPD has several forums as their topics, many just for the poor folks trying to DEAL with these people. It's not surprising that this thread has mushroomed.



As for the OP's original question of how to "get rid" of the b*tch, the ANSWER IS:

"No contact." Don't answer her calls. Don't answer her texts. Don't answer any email or snail mail. Don't respond to a rock through the bedroom window.

Don't EVER initiate ANY communication.

Just ignore EVERYTHING. When she finally figures out that you are no longer going to be a source of "supply" to her, she'll move to the other victims.

It might take a while, but it's the ONLY way.


No police reports, no attempts to reason, no NOTHING else will do it. Really.

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[KontrollerX]

Reading this thread has got me wondering.

My last LTR was pretty much perfectly normal up until the time I told her it was over. At that point she turned into a basketcase. I seem to remember her threatening suicide, telling BLATANT lies to cover up her actions (she told me she was sick and went to the hospital but couldn't say what was wrong with her, when she was actually at some dude's house), crawling on the hood of my car so i wouldn't leave, and driving 30 minutes to my place and beating on my front door when I wouldn't answer my phone.

Maybe just the behavior of a desperate woman threatened with losing her main source of intimacy, but never in a million years would I have guessed her capable of those kinds of things. I saw a COMPLETELY different person from the one I spent the previous TWO YEARS with.

I can't speak for her having other mental disorders but I can say she probably wasn't a Cluster B as you would've experienced all the craziness jophil, myself and others have went through shortly after she was sure that she was your girlfriend.

Once they hook you either emotionally or committment wise thats when the vampire fangs come out.

Your ex sounds like the female equivalent of a massive AFC Str8up no matter how cool she may of seemed to you in the relationship considering the behaviour she exhibited when you broke up with her.

Its understandable she would be this wild to you as unlike us men I'd argue that attractive to moderately attractive chicks usually don't have to deal with a lot of rejection in life like we men so they never learn to adequately kill their own inner AFC and when she lost you this crazy sh!t was the only way she knew how to deal.

"No police reports, no attempts to reason, no NOTHING else will do it. Really."

While I'd agree that filing a police report could up the drama level it is better to be safe than sorry with these women and that means to strike first if you sense she's going to take things to higher and higher levels.

When scorned they are known to call the cops and say you raped them or put a restraining order on you.

If a man strikes first its a harder uphill battle for these chicks to prove you're the bad guy not them.

 

[jophil28]

Once they hook you either emotionally or committment wise thats when the vampire fangs come out.

THis is a VITAL point to remember men. At this point, when you are thinking and acting like she is your G/f, most sane women close the gap and soften their defenses even more and collapse their boundaries.THis is when you and she feel like "a couple." A kind of calm satisfation with life is sometimes experienced. A relationship with closeness and enjoyment of each other may follow.

However with a BPD chick, this point triggers off some serious panic. The mindgames begin. She is panicked by the overwhelming burden of commitment because (to her mind) commitment means that when she is eventually abandoned she will be annihalated, emotionally. To ward this off she creates drama and starts to act disrespectfully -she may flake, or whine and gripe . She may flirt or cheat on you or just walk out of the club on you if you talk to another woman. THis is the drama queen getting warmed up.

She may cut you out of her friendships with others and exclude you from her "other" life. However she may also become more demanding of you but contribute less and less to the relationship. Your anxiety and confusion will rise and you try to re-create "the way it was" in the first month. She may accuse you of being needy, possessive, controlling, and demanding. This really means that she is becoming increasingly panicked by her misperception that intimacy equals engulfment and she is blaming you for her feelings of discomfort. She continues to pull you along on the roller coaster. About now you may feel still hopeful but disturbed by her contadictory behavior. You still want to be with her MORE that you want to split.
You may try to create equilibrium or stasis but she increasingly becomes more unstable and seems intent on wrecking the relationship. (this seems to be to establish enough "distance" to allow her her to feel safer ) She changes her mind regularly. Breaks it off - comes back, Dumps you in the FZ and then wants to F**k you three days later. Calls you at 2am wanting booty after calling you at noon "to say goodbye" ,, and so it goes downward into madness .

THis is 2% of what happened to me with a BPD woman . Someone said that you never get back to the way you were - I agree.

 

[drmeathead]

i hear ya. one night she told me to leave a bunch of times so i finally did. before i got out of the lobby i got a call begging me back. so i come back and we argue again. this time she slaps my face and throws my **** into the hallway. so i leave. 10 seconds later she chases me down in the street asking how i could leave.

other times she would demand to be taken home. i would take. then she would call me on the phone either wanting to talk to me or asking me to come get her.

several times she broke it off with me only to ask me back out of pity for me.

 

[jophil28]

i hear ya. one night she told me to leave a bunch of times so i finally did. before i got out of the lobby i got a call begging me back. so i come back and we argue again. this time she slaps my face and throws my **** into the hallway. so i leave. 10 seconds later she chases me down in the street asking how i could leave.

other times she would demand to be taken home. i would take. then she would call me on the phone either wanting to talk to me or asking me to come get her.

several times she broke it off with me only to ask me back out of pity for me.

Sounds like you had a fine example of Western Womanhood too.
Yes, the push pull game is SOP for the BPD lovelies. IT is their way of maintaining control via creating adrenalised chaos ( I know - it sound wack but these women are wack)
HOwever, the Push pull stuff from a BPD chick is severe and relentless. ONce they think that you are hooked (invested ) they enter into this phase. I call it " GO away until I want you back"
THe vast majority of men who date have NO experience or skills in dealing with mentally disturbed women - especially Cluster Bs. SO we tend to tolerate their crap behavior because we ,a) do not understand what we are dealing with, and b) we think that she has so much else going for her that we are willing to navigate thru this crap and hope that it is a temporary storm .

 

[Latinoman]

Wow! Some of you might remember me. My life was totally trashed by a UBPD woman some 20 years my junior. It damned near killed me in the most literal sense. She was my addiction of choice and when she left me for another without warning, my world came undone in so many ways. I guess it was the ultimate oneites. When she said that " I love you with my whole heart and soul" and then 3 days later was sleeping with some white trash repair guy, I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't grasp what had happened and was destroyed. I lost 45 lbs, had to deal with accusations in the work place, and nearly ended my own life. Pretty pathetic actually. That was almost 2 years ago.
Fast forward to today. I have done exstensive research on the BPD female once I was logical enough to realize that her actions were not "normal". The "Facing the Facts" site became my second home and helped fill in the missing pieces. I can attest that these women can gut you and never break stride. They live for the drama that your pain can bring, while always being the "victim" in the scenero. The difficulty we as men have in being caught in their web is that indeed we see only what they think we want to see as they will become the dream you share with them. That is until they move on to thier next fix. The only way you can survive after they have destroyed you is absolutely NO CONTACT no matter how they "hoover" you.
In some ways you are correct, you never really get totally over the pain and doubt they instill in your soul. But I do know this, if you don't get back to your game, spin plates, realize your own self-worth they will leave your life a shamble. In some ways I must thank my BPD for she gave me a mirror in which to see the weakness, the self-doubt, the need for sharing my life as no other woman could have done. Looking back, I indeed was the fool, but now realize that I was in a game without knowing the rules.
I am currently dating a number of women and am again in control of my life, on my terms. But I tell you true, I never will allow any woman the entrance into my soul as I did with her. Spook.

How old are you? Im assuming you are in your 40s.
Anyway...your situation is different. She did not try to destroy your life by ATTACKING you. I suspect you would have the same outcome, regardless if it came from a "normal" woman. You see? The issue here is how YOU reacted to CHEATING. Instead of dumping her azz and moving on...you fell into depression.

She did NOT stalked you or called the police on you or made threats of comitting suicide. She simply cheated on you. Guess what...MOST women cheat. No matter if they are BPD or not.

 

[Latinoman]

I am in my late 40's. Your point is well taken. You are correct. My actions were one of desperation without reason. The reactions and actions I took are not ones that I am proud of in any sense. But I do take ownership of those reactions. Fortunately, I consider it a valuable life lesson that will not have to be repeated. Oh by the way she did try to negatively impact my professional standings. I am not sure if trying to get my ass canned and my licences revoked without any grounds would qualify as "attacking, but sure made life interesting for a time. She was eventually Dx as BPD and refuse treatment. I do not agree that MOST women cheat. Perhaps I am being naive, but so be it. Thanks for your reply. Spook.

She indeed attacked you. Damn...this BPD stuff is very scary stuff.

I guess what I was trying to say is that it was extremely hard with you, because I sense you would have reacted the same way regardless if it was a "normal" woman or a BPD cheating on you. It was simply the way you reacted. That being said...ALSO dealing with the fact that it was a BPD trying to destroy your livelihood it had to be very hard.

Perhaps you should share more details...especially as it relates to she trying to destroy you. It might help others in here.

It is scary.

 

[drmeathead]

being in a bpd relationship just ****ing sucks. the old maxim if it looks to good to be true it probably is.

 

[aliasguy]

She indeed attacked you. Damn...this BPD stuff is very scary stuff.

I guess what I was trying to say is that it was extremely hard with you, because I sense you would have reacted the same way regardless if it was a "normal" woman or a BPD cheating on you. It was simply the way you reacted. That being said...ALSO dealing with the fact that it was a BPD trying to destroy your livelihood it had to be very hard.

Perhaps you should share more details...especially as it relates to she trying to destroy you. It might help others in here.

It is scary.

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latinoman---

dude, you would be RIGHT ON in your assessment if this was only about CHEATING, but the spook has been through something else in addition, that, unless you've been through it, you simply CAN'T understand. It's a SURREAL kinda thing.

It IS indeed scary, and I'm sorry for you, spook.

Every man should be watching out for this disorder. It's more common than one might think, and the "high functioning" BPDs can wreck your life. Really.

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[Last Man Standing]

LMS maybe you can provide the antagnoists role here and argue for no BPD or BPD is just less common and women are just asshats. your opinion is respected around here and you may open some eyes. i think many are quick to blame bpd and not "the girl".

DRmeathead, nice name BTW, you are a Meathead but at least you are a Meathead at the highest level - a DR.

The truth is never antagonizing - it just is!

Irresponsibility, as of late, has seemed to be related to some newfound diagnostic psychotropic illness, as defined by someone somewhere! Let me tell you something, there is nothing new under the sun! Labels are meant to categorize - and categorize they have - but for what purpose? The purpose is to legitimize your behavior as a disease and thus every disease needs a cure, but not any cure will do but only one which has been "officially" approved by the Federal Drug administration (FDA);thus, only a "medical" cure is appropriate to lessen or eradicate such illness - - and so we now have the DRUG companies selling their snake oil to alleviate you from your sad state, but they only can do so if it is "officially" diagnosed as a disease - as ordained by the FDA!!!!

Do you see where I am going Drmeathead, anyone?

 

[drmeathead]

i gotcha. your thoughts make sense. if i hadnt had personal experience with a borderline i would agree with you. like a prev poster said...you have to live it to truely understand the madness. it isnt a fake. maybe the drug they say that can cure it is but this bpd **** is for real.