How do you get closer to one girl than the others and still retain control?

[squirrels]

Let's say I want to try the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

Obviously this involves some level of exclusivity. The problem is that while I'm fine just dating or fooling around with 3 or 4 different girls, when I try to get closer to one in particular, I feel like I'm losing my competitive advantage not having other girls to fall back on. All the old AFC conditioning I've worked to eliminate starts kicking in again.

How can I avoid this? What's a good way to look at being "steady" with one girl that keeps me from losing the dominant male frame and putting too much power in HER hands? Usually the girls I end up with are fairly strong women...they're easy to deal with from a single perspective, but when I start thinking about bf/gf, I feel like I'm slipping a little too far out of frame.

Thoughts?

 

[NewMan]

Are you talking about giving her to much power? or are you talking about not maintaining the other women in your rotation?

 

[blueguy]

I don't get into a relationship unless I'm in control of it in the first place and she's proven herself to me over the course of many months to the point where I can see more advantages of being exclusive with her than in dating around. Any time she disproves that, I withdraw a little. This has the same effect on her as if you were still dating other girls. It is part of the game, and it is called self-respect. If she disrespects me too much, I withdraw a lot, and we're not exclusive anymore. Any girl who's really interested in me hasn't gone that far as she's already tested the repercussions of prior bad behavior. If she has, she is not as interested as before. You keep the power in the relationship by withdrawing and adding more to your pool again. Don't worry about getting closer to a girl if you're already in control, and she has more vested interest in you by having initiated the talk. You can't lose control of a relationship if you don't allow yourself.

 

[Sir Drinksalot]

Two friends of mine are in control of their marriages more than any other men I know. Consequently, they have two of the most respectful and solid relationships.

The thing that makes their wives work hard at keeping them is because they think they HAVE to compete. Even though they're happy in their situations, they both act like they have "one foot out the door." They'll drop small hints about how they'd love to be out dating again. They openly flirt with other women in front of their wives one minute, and get seriously lovey dovey the next with no warning.

One of them keeps a packed suitcase hidden in his house. This is in case he and his wife get in a serious argument, he can just grab the bag and drive away. This will, theoretically, make her crazy for as long as he's gone. "He's been planning this." "Is he going to another woman?" etc.

The result is two wives who are happy but nervous, and consumed with keeping their man. This is a good situation for the man.

 

[Phyzzle]

when I try to get closer to one in particular, I feel like I'm losing my competitive advantage

Then don't try. Surely you should know by now: if she wants you to be exclusive, or closer to you, she will bother you about it.

"So . . . where is this relationship going?" When a girl asks me that, I say, "whoah, what's all this about a 'relationship'!? Is that what we got here?" That's what I say, even if we've been together for months and I think she's awesome.

I then tell her that if she's nice to me for another month, she can start calling herself my gf, but I let her know that I'm doing this reluctantly. Just because she keeps pestering me about it.

But given how (many) women love to have a desirable bf at all times . . . why isn't she pestering you yet, eh?

 

[squirrels]

Then don't try. Surely you should know by now: if she wants you to be exclusive, or closer to you, she will bother you about it.

"So . . . where is this relationship going?" When a girl asks me that, I say, "whoah, what's all this about a 'relationship'!? Is that what we got here?" That's what I say, even if we've been together for months and I think she's awesome.

I then tell her that if she's nice to me for another month, she can start calling herself my gf, but I let her know that I'm doing this reluctantly. Just because she keeps pestering me about it.

But given how (many) women love to have a desirable bf at all times . . . why isn't she pestering you yet, eh?

She's dropping hints...asking questions about who I'm dating, suggesting trips together, etc...but you're right. I think the big thing is my personal fear of attachment. It's easy to game women when they don't matter, when each one is just another conquest.

But when I start to care about one of them, I start to worry too much about the prospect of losing them. As a result I never really let them get close. In fact, usually when I hook up with girls at my house, it's on the couch, and they don't sleep over. The one time a girl spent the night in my bed (and this is a girl I've been sexing for years), I felt VERY uncomfortable...and only let her stay because she was sh!t-drunk and I didn't want her driving.

I guess I just know that women can be seduced out of relationships...and I know that even though I'm doing pretty damned good there's always someone out there better than me. Even if I DO aspire to that level, I'm worried that if I grow to like a girl too much, sooner or later she'll meet THAT guy and leave me for him. As a result, whenever any kind of mid-to-long-term thing even comes into question, I become concerned. Maybe too concerned.

Doesn't help that a lot of my hobbies are suspended due to weather and physical condition...usually when I start getting worried about this kind of thing, I jump on my bike and carve up some back-roads. But that outlet isn't available to me right now because of this damned cold weather.

I should take a trip somewhere.

 

[kyphan]

Your life is not this woman. Or ANY woman. Your life is (should be) full of many things - a career you're pursuing that you enjoy, hobbies and interests, friends you see regularly, and right now some other women. She wants you for all those reasons, all those things you do and what you represent. If you go exclusive with her, you are only changing ONE thing - the number of women you are dating.

In other words, your life is not changing much at all, you just have to focus on one person.

The best part? You KNOW if things do not work out you can go back to being single and have little in your way of finding a few more ladies. You should not be afraid to be in a relationship if you're confident it's what you want next. All those other women out there are being put on hold - and you always know in the back of your mind that you can go right back to pursuing other women. As long as she understands that you are not afraid to lose her, you are in the driver's seat. It's that simple. Keep doing what you want to do with your life, keep your hobbies, keep hanging out with your friends, and keep it in the back of your mind that you are not afraid if things do not work out with her.

 

[Phyzzle]

The one time a girl spent the night in my bed (and this is a girl I've been sexing for years), I felt VERY uncomfortable...

Damn. I gotta say, that's pretty severe.

I'm worried that if I grow to like a girl too much, sooner or later she'll meet THAT guy and leave me for him.

"I'm worried that if I walk up and start a conversation with her, she'll reject me and get annoyed and tell her boyfriend that I'm harrassing her."

You can't win if you don't risk losing, right? Heck, if she does fall for you, even for life, she could be hit by a stray bullet, living in Baltimore. There's always the chance that things will go wrong.

But there's a lot of things you can do to keep a girl for life. Don't get close with young chicky-boos, make sure she's past 25. Just keep the challenge up, let her always have that seed of doubt. My mom was once apparently a '9' who liked to party, but she's been totally with my dad for 35 years. He never gushes over her. He's still a challenge. It's really not that rare.

 

[Mind_Body_Soul]

Dude, you should always be in control. It doesn't matter if you are dating 1, 2, or 3 girls when you meet one you think you want a relationship with.

If the girl is really worth it, ditch the other hoes, if the relationship turns out to be a dud, you can get 20 more in no time. Don't use the other chics as a crutch.

Do whatever the f.ck you want. You want to date one girl, date her. You want to date multiple girls, date them.

Don't be exclusive because the girl wants you to be, be exclusive because you want to be. If you aren't ready for that, don't discuss it.

 

[Mind_Body_Soul]

I'm worried that if I grow to like a girl too much, sooner or later she'll meet THAT guy and leave me for him.

That's just insecurity talking. You are not defined by a girl. You are defined by yourself. If she leaves you, she's losing, not you. If she leaves, consider yourself lucky that you found out now and not XX years down the road that the girl is a selfish slut.