How do I stop being a performer?

[Cyfer]

17 here. I used to be completely socially autistic. Now after a physical and mental transformation I've feel I've gone to the other extreme and become a performer.

So I've gotten great at being the centre of attention. It's great for meeting new people because you're instantly likeable, and you're automatically seen as confident and a leader.

But this isn't who I want to be. It means you constantly have to be high energy and superficial so that you're constantly jokey. It's hard to build up solid relationships being a performer and in a group people get tired of it, because you've built a whole identity where they almost feel required to laugh at anything you do.

How do I stop being a performer? How do I become a leader?

So social engineering has worked for me before, now I want to engineer a different personality. So far I can see 3 main things I need to do:

1. Be more reserved, so I always refrain from talking about myself and my experiences, and instead listen to the other person.
Difficult when you meet strangers: you often need to be prompting the conversation and building trust quickly
2. Go out of my way to praise others.
I could get shadowed by other people, especially in a group environment
3. Never talk about what I can do, show it instead. For example today I was out with friends and we got a frisbee hooked on a branch. I climbed the tree to get it down since I'm good at climbing and athletic. But this could be anything like wit, strength, charisma etc
But people might think I'm boring/useless if opportunities where skill is needed don't show up

What do you guys think? Regardless of the downsides I put in italics, I'm still going to have to try this out and see how it feels.

 

[cof33]

iam still curious how do you got that transformation?a spell?

 

[SamTheHobit]

Very interesting post because I know exactly what you are going trough.

I'm In the same situation. But I feel like sometimes I come off as annoying so lately I talk a lot less and it makes me look deppresed.

So I honestly have no idea what to do its like I cant win. Im trying to find a balance. And god forbid me being myself because I don't even know who that is.

But would like to see what others have to say about this.

 

[Bokanovsky]

You are a "performer" because you are trying too hard to impress other people. You feel like you have to be this super outgoing, extraverted, social guy and it seems like you are overdoing it, coming across as superficial and fake. This is a pretty common phenomenon in the West and North America in particular, where there is a lot of cultural pressure to be seen as social and outgoing (and being quiet and introverted is seen as a personality flaw).

You have to start caring less about what other people think of you and doing what you feel like doing. Do you feel like being the life party at that particular time and place? Go ahead. Do you want to be an observer and stay out of the conversation? Nothing wrong with that. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't feel obligated to fit a certain mold.

 

[Smok1nAce]

to add to Bokanovsky
you just have to be yourself, if your coming of as depressed you proley are deep down inside.
The word "Social Value" to women is different then men. To women social value is being the life of the party and knowing everybody, and the latest trends.
To a man social value is being dependable and having trustful people you know, and can count on, this is difficult especially when your young because most boys never learn this, it comes over time or with building repor with people you see over years.
Look at Don Drapper, (although where not in the 60s/ this is jus a TV show) He is an alpha male..yes, is he the life of the party...proley not. Actions Speak louder then words.
Just handle your business and build trust with the right people.