How do I ask her out? Never done this before

[Turok117]

Hey everyone.

I know you see the title and think "just do it", or something, but please just hear me out.

See, there's this girl I like on my course. Same tutor group and all that. After we got to know each other I was dropping a few innuendos, she was laughing at stuff I said, etc etc. I don't know if she feels the same way about me as I do about her.

I might have missed a chance at asking her out today, we were walking back from a martial arts class and before we parted ways to go back to our dorms we said a few words (see you tomorrow etc) and she kind of did a little pause thing where she looked like I should have said something... needless to say I didn't ask her anything. Every step back to my flat I was kicking myself.

The problem is my confidence has recently been at an all-time low - even more so than normal. Surgery, consequent depression combined with a lifelong lack of female attention in a romantic sense means I have exactly zero skills with telling women I like them, etc. Recently I've been able to pick myself up, my anti-depressant course is finishing and I have bought a 6-month gym membership for self-improvement ... and maybe to get a little more attention (currently skinnyfat, bad face, consistently rated as the lowest on the 'would-do' list when with female friends)

I just get the feeling she's out of my league and if she says no it will be really awkward in tutorials.

Basically my question is this: have I bottled my chance of getting this girl, or is there still a chance? Was there ever one?

I'd really appreciate any help or advice you guys have to offer on this

Also is there any way to change your name on this forum?

 

[Alex DeLarge]

There's still a chance. Just ask her out next time.. If she says know, move on. I've been in the same situation before with girls before I found this site. There were so many things I noticed I did wrong in my past.

DO NOT kick yourself over this. You clearly learned from this experience (IE: You knew she was dropping the hints to ask her out). When you meet another girl, you will act upon these signs.

I would say to definitely focus on overcoming the depression stuff before you go out into the field to meet girls though. I went through 2 years of depression a while ago and I didn't date one girl during that period. I'm really glad I spent more time on myself to overcome this than spending time romantically with women, as it would hinder that process.

And never think a girl is "out of your league" that's just chump talk for "I'm not confident enough". Confidence is all mindset. If you're an average income guy, yet you feel like a million bucks.. You are worth a million bucks!

If it's looks you're talking about, that's all bologna! Sure a guy with the looks of a model can have more women CHOOSE him (ex: give him the look, talk to him etc..), but is he going to ATTRACT? If he's not confident, then no he won't.

 

[Rubato]

I don't know if she feels the same way about me as I do about her.

There are 2 ways to find out. Ask. Or do. I wouldn't ask. Asking makes you look needy and it puts her in a position to say no.

Doing gives her an opportunity to act on feelings she may already have.

I might have missed a chance at asking her out today

Regret feels worse than rejection. Keep that in mind. Some guys keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again. Learn from this. No matter how much you think it will hurt, regret will hurt you more than rejection. You will find out that rejection does not hurt as bad as you think it will and after a while, doesn't hurt at all really. You don't even know the girl very well.

The problem is my confidence has recently been at an all-time low - even more so than normal. Surgery, consequent depression combined with a lifelong lack of female attention in a romantic sense means I have exactly zero skills with telling women I like them, etc.

There are 2 ways to look at this and you're looking at it from the negative perspective. You are looking towards the future from a frame that things are probably not going to change, and if they do, it won't be anything significant.

What if instead, you looked towards the future, taking note of the positive changes you've made (anti-depressant, you're post surgery, gym membership, ect) and consider that you're beginning a new phase of your life. Literally, a new era for you where things will be fundamentally different for you in whatever ways you would like.... that sounds pretty freaking exciting to me!

consistently rated as the lowest on the 'would-do' list when with female friends

Don't play these games. Don't ask your lady friends about it. Don't listen to them when they tell you about it. Why are you letting them rate you anyways? Shouldn't you be rating them?

I just get the feeling she's out of my league and if she says no it will be really awkward in tutorials.

Stop thinking like this. What are you planning on doing that would make your tutorials awkward? Are you going to pull down your pants in front of her and tell her to suck your d$ck?

First, the only girl who is truly out of your league is the girl you place there. Your level of personal confidence dictates who you are capable of attracting. You know what's funny? If you actually got to know this girl on a personal level, you might find out she's a very low value person and someone you wouldn't like anymore! So don't say she's out of your league unless that's where you want her.

And showing the little amount of interest necessary to spending time with the girl outside of your tutorial sessions isn't going to make anything awkward unless you let it. What's she going to do, get upset that someone thought she was attractive? She's a girl, she'll be flattered and happy with the attention whether or not she reciprocates.

Basically my question is this: have I bottled my chance of getting this girl, or is there still a chance? Was there ever one?

Dude, who knows? You haven't done anything, so no one can tell you.

The only way to find out is to man up and do something!

I said back at the beginning, don't ask, do. Don't ask the girl

"do you like me"
"will you go on a date with me"
"do you think i'm cute"

ect, ect ect,

I'm sure you talk to this girl since you're in some tutorial thing with her. Find out something she likes. And then suggest you do that sometime that's NOT connected with your sessions. Like, the Lion King was showing in 3D last week. Make a comment about that. If she gets excited about how much she loved that movie when she was little and how cool it was, then say something like "that's awesome, i loved it too, blah blah blah - let's go see it together this weekend". Even better, see if she likes coffee or tea. What girl doesn't? Mention something about an eclectic coffee shop or some new tea or coffee you tried, something. Get a response from her about how it's cool or she likes it too. And then say "Hey, let's go get some of that tea/coffee/poison this weekend! What's your schedule look like?" And then be the one who sets the day and time.

There is a subtle difference that's important in that last sentence, you make a statement, you didn't ask a question. Using the model "Let's do X at this time and on this day" is not a question and places you in the position of leader.

Don't make a big deal about it, because dude, it's not a big deal. If she says no, it's not like there aren't literally 3 billion + other girls in the world... and that's a lot. If she says says yes, then you know how something to do with a girl.

Hopefully this helps