How can I kill my inner dork?

[Technical1]

Hi Guys,

I posted a rant awhile back. If you dont mind, heres some stuff about my situation, maybe you could read it over and tell me what you think you would work on, if you were me. Help me out, give me some advice.

I was a pretty cool and interesting person until I hit 15. Like I said in another post, I have alot of stuff going for me, good looks, good conversationalist, bilingual... blah blah.

But when I was 15 I just started reading books, about all kinds of stuff... I didnt really stop until I was 22, last year. All kinds of books... main interests were politics, history, philosophy, art, biology. I also had a case of Oneitis, and between Oneitis and BOOKS I managed to squander my years 16 to 22. You guys were getting ahead, (probably) I was getting , more or less behind.

But I'm not that much of a wreck as one might think. One of the biggest problems for me is that clubs and discos, and even bars to some extend, seem like really loud, forbidding places, full of moving people, and I have some kind of feeling of not fitting in there. Like, 'this is not my thing, I dont belong here'.
Can anyone have a good conversation in these places? I never have!

Im scared of cool guys: not in a real-life kind of way, but in a club. Some of you guys are cool guys. Guys who actually have spent years and years in situations like this: groups of young people, alcohol, music, general loudness. When I used to get in these situations, I would just get pissed off and leave: What were we even talking about again? What was the point of anything? Did anyone actually have a memorable experience? I didnt.
Besides getting laid, there seems like no point. And I couldnt get laid because the stupidity of it all pissed me off so much! And yet I must get laid!

And I am frightened off by the super-cool girls, (ironically, my sister is one of them, super cool life-of-the-party HB10 type attention *****). I am basically intimidated by the fact that while I was in exile in the world of knowledge, these people were appointing themselves kings and queens of the lord-of-the-flies postmodern social world. The problem is, they are in no way qualified to do anything, except that they have what it takes to win a series of high-school popularity contests. (****, I guess my generalized grievance against the world is really coming out here..kind of ugly..)

Does anyone understand me so far or feel the same way? I am intimidated by the whole party, WE-ARE-GOING-TO-ENJOY-OURSELVES-WITH-MUSIC-AND-FLASHING-LIGHTS atmosphere. I feel like I am being commanded and compelled to enjoy myself, like someone is screaming at me: PEOPLE HAVE FUN HERE, CAN'T YOU SEE THE MULTI-COLOR LIGHTS?!

Even though you can meet girls at other places like coffee shops, I SHOULD be able to pull girls at a disco.

Like I said in my other post Im probably an 8 or a 9, tall, pretty confident.
But I feel so ****ing uncomfortable there, the music hurts my ears, the smoke bothers me. I almost have a conception of myself as 'uncool' which makes me wilt when I enter the domain of the 'cool' person. I'm almost afraid to project myself as 'cool' because for so many years I strove to go in the opposite direction. What do you think?

I'm giving myself two weeks to read Pook and work on some inner-game issues while doing EC on the street, and eventually I will start cold approaching.

In a way, I imagine this post is just a person in transition, whining about the feeling of transition. Your perspectives on what I have said would really interest me though. I tried to be as honest as possible in the presentation.
Were you as much of a dork as I was? How well have you done for yourself?
All things take time, but this change cannot happen quickly enough!

thanks
Tech

 

[penkitten]

dear tech,
guess what?
dorks are wonderful.
they pay their bills on time, they never drink and drive and they rule the world.
perhaps there is a way, that you can loosen up and still be yourself at the same time?
your friend,
penkitten

 

[MooseGod]

I suggest you start drinking. Heavily.


On an unrelated note, you should watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Kinda the same idea with the "HAVE FUN DAMMIT THERE ARE FLASHING LIGHTS" comment...lol

But seriously though, most of the people in these clubs and discos are on X, coke, or at least drunk as sh!t. Do you listen to any music at all? Maybe you just haven't found your venue.

And cool people don't worry about whether they're cool or not. They just do/say whatever they fvcking feel like and don't need anybody's validation.

 

[Jitterbug]

You need a creative outlet. Pick one to your liking: creative writing, drama class, singing, playing an instrument, painting, dancing. Mine is dancing. Real dancing, not random club foot shuffling, booty shaking and head banging. The idea is to lose your inhibitions and express yourself (NOT to impress others, however).

I was nerdy once upon a time and wasted many years like you did. Now I'm comfortable in any environment and am right up there with the loudest folks having fun.

 

[Teflon_Mcgee]

It sounds like your main concern is meeting girls in bars/clubs.

Stop it. It's a different game in the clubs. It's not about conversation. It's not like in the movies where all of the sudden tings calm down and the guy starts a witty conversation with the chick.

Bar/clubs is about social proof (not nessassary (sp?)), peacocking, kino, and throwing desirable vibes. Dancing in a club is important too.

It's a visual/physical game. If you can pull it off then do it but if not don't sweat it.

Just recently my fiance told me she wanted to see me pick a girl up at the bar. I asked why not at school, or the coffee shop, or the library, or the supermarket.

I'm much more congruent for these situations than I am for a bar now.

I used to be like you. I thought bars/clubs were the places you had to pick-up to be a real DJ. And while I became somewhat successful, it wasn't because I had good game. It's because I knew how to play the game.

I could look and act the part. But I never enjoyed it as much as being able to actually be smooth around a stranger in the store.

Quit worrying about the clubs. Get a friend or two and go enjoy a drink. If you meet a girl then cool. If you develop a natural affinity to the bar/club scene then even better.

But in the mean time, stop romanticising the clubs.

 

[MikeYikes122]

The solution to your problem isn't "killing your inner dork". Your problem reminds me of one my boss came to me with the other day.

My boss is a 33-year-old man. He plays online video games and collects comic books. He has something like 30,000 comic books sitting around in his basement. It probably goes without saying that he is an AFC and hopelessly single at all times. There's some speculation among us that he hasn't gotten laid since college.

Anyway, he said to me and a couple of my coworkers the other day that he was "such a nerd" and that he would never get women if he didn't drop his nerdy hobbies.

My advice to him was that you're into what your into. If you're into comics and World of Warcraft, then so be it. You like comics and WOW. If you're into reading books, then you're into reading books. So be it. That's your personality, and that's what you enjoy. If someone thinks that is a waste of time, fvck them. What do they know? Now, there is having a hobby and enjoying something, and then there is being obsessed with something. No one should spend so much time on a hobby that it is distracting them from regular life.

There's really no such thing as being a dork. I've come to know a lot of people in my 25 years on Earth, and generally everyone does something or has something in their past that they're embarrassed about.

As for your issues in the bar, you should first drink a little bit like another poster suggested. I also have a feeling you might be in your early 20s. Is there a chance that you haven't gotten used to the bar atmosphere yet?

I'm probably one of "those cool guys" you're talking about. I don't like to honk my own horn, but I dress well and usually look pretty comfortable in those kinds of settings. I don't dance a lot or anything, but I'm sure I give off that vibe you described. I used to feel uncomfortable like you described, but I just kind of got used to it and learned how to act. The best advice I could give you is that you should always try to keep moving in a bar/club setting. Keep moving. Don't stand posted up next to a wall and don't herd around with a group of other guys. You're just going to feel awkward if you do that. Bring only one or two friends with you. They could be girls or guys. A big group of guys will just look like they're out trolling for women.

As for approaching chics in bars/clubs, I've come to find it's really not as easy as people make it out to be. There are tons of things that can distract you and a girl you are trying to talk to. There is usually loud music, too many people and just too many things going on to focus in on conversation. That's the case for me at least. Though, a good place to talk to chics is in lines. Hit on girls who are standing next to you in line for the bathroom or standing next to you in line to get into the club. Their b!tch shields will be down in those settings, and it's generally a lot easier to kick up a convo.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but if it's real loud or obnoxious in a bar/club, I usually don't even try to hit on girls. I just let them approach me. There is a pretty good success rate that way, and usually you'll get one or two bites in a night. You say you're attractive, so that might work for you too.

 

[verysuave]

Hi Guys,

I posted a rant awhile back. If you dont mind, heres some stuff about my situation, maybe you could read it over and tell me what you think you would work on, if you were me. Help me out, give me some advice.

I was a pretty cool and interesting person until I hit 15. Like I said in another post, I have alot of stuff going for me, good looks, good conversationalist, bilingual... blah blah.

But when I was 15 I just started reading books, about all kinds of stuff... I didnt really stop until I was 22, last year. All kinds of books... main interests were politics, history, philosophy, art, biology. I also had a case of Oneitis, and between Oneitis and BOOKS I managed to squander my years 16 to 22. You guys were getting ahead, (probably) I was getting , more or less behind.

But I'm not that much of a wreck as one might think. One of the biggest problems for me is that clubs and discos, and even bars to some extend, seem like really loud, forbidding places, full of moving people, and I have some kind of feeling of not fitting in there. Like, 'this is not my thing, I dont belong here'.
Can anyone have a good conversation in these places? I never have!

Im scared of cool guys: not in a real-life kind of way, but in a club. Some of you guys are cool guys. Guys who actually have spent years and years in situations like this: groups of young people, alcohol, music, general loudness. When I used to get in these situations, I would just get pissed off and leave: What were we even talking about again? What was the point of anything? Did anyone actually have a memorable experience? I didnt.
Besides getting laid, there seems like no point. And I couldnt get laid because the stupidity of it all pissed me off so much! And yet I must get laid!

And I am frightened off by the super-cool girls, (ironically, my sister is one of them, super cool life-of-the-party HB10 type attention *****). I am basically intimidated by the fact that while I was in exile in the world of knowledge, these people were appointing themselves kings and queens of the lord-of-the-flies postmodern social world. The problem is, they are in no way qualified to do anything, except that they have what it takes to win a series of high-school popularity contests. (****, I guess my generalized grievance against the world is really coming out here..kind of ugly..)

Does anyone understand me so far or feel the same way? I am intimidated by the whole party, WE-ARE-GOING-TO-ENJOY-OURSELVES-WITH-MUSIC-AND-FLASHING-LIGHTS atmosphere. I feel like I am being commanded and compelled to enjoy myself, like someone is screaming at me: PEOPLE HAVE FUN HERE, CAN'T YOU SEE THE MULTI-COLOR LIGHTS?!

Even though you can meet girls at other places like coffee shops, I SHOULD be able to pull girls at a disco.

Like I said in my other post Im probably an 8 or a 9, tall, pretty confident.
But I feel so ****ing uncomfortable there, the music hurts my ears, the smoke bothers me. I almost have a conception of myself as 'uncool' which makes me wilt when I enter the domain of the 'cool' person. I'm almost afraid to project myself as 'cool' because for so many years I strove to go in the opposite direction. What do you think?

I'm giving myself two weeks to read Pook and work on some inner-game issues while doing EC on the street, and eventually I will start cold approaching.

In a way, I imagine this post is just a person in transition, whining about the feeling of transition. Your perspectives on what I have said would really interest me though. I tried to be as honest as possible in the presentation.
Were you as much of a dork as I was? How well have you done for yourself?
All things take time, but this change cannot happen quickly enough!

thanks
Tech

These louds groups or cool people.. All their convo mostly consists of teasing, being *******s to each other. and somewhere along the line they would have dorky moments

 

[frivolousz21]

dont meet women in clubs.

use:

myspace
grocery stores
book stores
the GYM
walmart/target
gas stations
running errands


how do you do this?

TALK TO EVERYONE.....seriously..I bet you will walk by 3-5 single hot females everyday if you get out and about doing things..all you gotta do is say hi...or comment on the weather or whatever you can grab from what she is doing.

it really is that simple.

maybe you will get rejected 9 of 10 times or maybe it wont click or whatever.

well that 1 time it clicks your going on a date in a few days with a cute chick.

not only that your confidence with people will go up

 

[Technical1]

Thanks guys, there was some really good and SPECIFIC advice packed in which I really liked.

 

[MikeYikes122]

Also, just some follow up for the OP.

Cold approaching in public, in my opinion, is a lot easier. Girls' b!tch shields are down and they aren't expecting to be hit on. That puts the frame in your favor pretty quickly. I also think you're going to meet more quality females in public. Chics are usually at bars for a reason: either to get plastered or to get picked up by guys. Both of those things aren't exactly traits you want in your future wife. There's a good reason why a lot of guys on here will tell you that won't meet any future LTRs in bars or clubs.

My cousin is 22 and she is pretty hot, like a 9 or a 10. We're pretty good friends and she is pretty open with me about a lot of things. She's told me in the past that when she is out at bars with her friends she just immediately rejects any guys who approach her because she automatically assumes they are just trying to sleep with her.

Bars and clubs aren't really as good a place to pickup girls as you'd think.

Also, how old are you? I get the sense that you are in your early 20s and possibly in college. What I used to do in college was, I'd get a rapport going with all the attractive girls in my classes then meet them or run into them out at nightlife spots, like bars or clubs. The best way to pickup on a girl at a bar or a club is to previously know her from somewhere or have some sort of "in" with her before you approach her. The opener can be as simple as "Hey aren't you in my history class?" or "How long did I take you to get in the club? (for the ones you talk with in the line to go inside)" or "Are you Sarah's roommate?"

If you're in college, it's pretty easy to get a rapport going with a girl in class, meet up with her at a bar, then go home with her and hook up with her. That is a really good way to get a fvck buddy going in college. Hook up with them one night and it'll become very easy to hook up with them again.

The only downside to that tactic is that you'll graduate college and not know anymore chicks. But it is certainly fun while it lasts.

 

[Technical1]

Also, just some follow up for the OP.

Cold approaching in public, in my opinion, is a lot easier. Girls' b!tch shields are down and they aren't expecting to be hit on. That puts the frame in your favor pretty quickly. I also think you're going to meet more quality females in public. Chics are usually at bars for a reason: either to get plastered or to get picked up by guys. Both of those things aren't exactly traits you want in your future wife. There's a good reason why a lot of guys on here will tell you that won't meet any future LTRs in bars or clubs.

My cousin is 22 and she is pretty hot, like a 9 or a 10. We're pretty good friends and she is pretty open with me about a lot of things. She's told me in the past that when she is out at bars with her friends she just immediately rejects any guys who approach her because she automatically assumes they are just trying to sleep with her.

Bars and clubs aren't really as good a place to pickup girls as you'd think.

Also, how old are you? I get the sense that you are in your early 20s and possibly in college. What I used to do in college was, I'd get a rapport going with all the attractive girls in my classes then meet them or run into them out at nightlife spots, like bars or clubs. The best way to pickup on a girl at a bar or a club is to previously know her from somewhere or have some sort of "in" with her before you approach her. The opener can be as simple as "Hey aren't you in my history class?" or "How long did I take you to get in the club? (for the ones you talk with in the line to go inside)" or "Are you Sarah's roommate?"

If you're in college, it's pretty easy to get a rapport going with a girl in class, meet up with her at a bar, then go home with her and hook up with her. That is a really good way to get a fvck buddy going in college. Hook up with them one night and it'll become very easy to hook up with them again.

The only downside to that tactic is that you'll graduate college and not know anymore chicks. But it is certainly fun while it lasts.

Hey man, you nailed it, I'm 23 and in college. Your tips seem good, that corresponds to what Ive been seeing and experiencing in the real world.
I (mistakenly?) assumed that DJing was easier in Bars and clubs, but cold approaching in a supermarket is actually not hard at all! Especially in a college town like I live in! I really dont follow these guys with their bar-club stories because I just approach in public, but it works OK, even if I dont close.

Thanks for the advice, it will come in handy. In fact I already have a girl who is offering it, I just decided to bite the bullet and spin that plate. Thanks to everyone who answered this and thanks Mike for both your in-depth answers.

 

[Stéphane]

What you mean you don't close, what's the f**** point in approaching if you don't intend on closing. I know it puts you outside your comfort zone, but you need to always close!

 

[MikeYikes122]

What you mean you don't close, what's the f**** point in approaching if you don't intend on closing. I know it puts you outside your comfort zone, but you need to always close!

There is plenty of reason to approach without closing, and just by the tone of your post I am getting the feeling that you don't cold approach that often in public. You don't really have anything to lose by just chatting up random chics in public. And if you've never done much cold approaching, you have to learn to get yourself out of your comfort zone until the comfort zone doesn't exist anymore.

There are also times when you can tell a girl just isn't feeling it. Why the hell are you going to try to even close then?

I also often approach just to get myself in a zone. Sometimes I'll approach a chic right away, even if I'm not all that attracted to her. The goal in that situation isn't to get a number, but just to get myself in a zone. Once I'm in that zone, it becomes like clockwork.

It's a lot easier to approach other chicks if you already knocked down an easy one. It's like warming up or taking a couple practice shots before a basketball game.

 

[Stéphane]

:crackup: yeah, you can totally hear the tone of my voice. I wouldn't even approach girls if it wasn't for sex. You either close or don't talk to them. I don't care if they got a boyfriend you make the ho say no.

 

[Technical1]

What you mean you don't close, what's the f**** point in approaching if you don't intend on closing. I know it puts you outside your comfort zone, but you need to always close!

Right, I agree with you. However I found out about this website 2 weeks ago, so I am not yet at the point in my game where I close regularly.

I am a Recovering AFC, not a Don Juan, so if I can talk to girl because I want to, and have things run smoothly, that feels like a victory for me. Small steps!

 

[MikeYikes122]

:crackup: yeah, you can totally hear the tone of my voice. I wouldn't even approach girls if it wasn't for sex. You either close or don't talk to them. I don't care if they got a boyfriend you make the ho say no.

^^^^ This is why I don't like to post on the regular discussion forum.

It's pretty easy to talk a big game over the Internet, especially for someone who just joined this site four months ago and is quoting Guntwich method verbatim (without giving him credit as well).

 

[Stéphane]

Dude i've been studying how to get women way before I got on this site. I read double your dating when I was in grade 9 ffs.

 

[Jitterbug]

Cold approaching in public, in my opinion, is a lot easier. Girls' b!tch shields are down and they aren't expecting to be hit on. That puts the frame in your favor pretty quickly.....

Seconded. When I was getting into the game, pretty much every material I read at the time instructed me to go to bars and clubs and work my stuff there. While I did get some improvements from that (like reducing AA and improving small skills), it was really hard. The same materials said that it's easier in night clubs as women dress up to go there to be picked up, but my experience is the total opposite. Outside of clubs, it's a lot easier to approach and engage them with any game you have. My only successes in clubs come from being introduced through a mutual friend and never a cold approach.

Not saying that it's impossible, and guys who are good in a club setting are getting results left right and center as we speak, but it's definitely not easier for the inexperienced, compared to other environments. The shields are on at full power and the competition is cut-throat.

I'll disagree about the quality women not going to clubs part though. I don't know any woman, quality or not, who doesn't go to night clubs at least every now and then (girls night out, etc) - except maybe the ultra conservative / religious ones (who aren't my type anyway). Just because you pick up your quality woman in another environment doesn't mean that she has never gone to a club to get drunk, get picked up or dance her head off.

 

[MooseGod]

Dude i've been studying how to get women way before I got on this site. I read double your dating when I was in grade 9 ffs.

I'm not going to point out the obvious here...